A Sense of Reality
by Jyxxie
Summary: In the bid to restore Al's body at the end of Brotherhood, Ed pays more than he'd ever intended, becoming a prisoner in his own body.
1. Chapter 1

_Summary_: In the bid to restore Al's body at the end of Brotherhood, Ed pays more than he'd ever intended, becoming a prisoner in his own body. Will contain light RoyEd in later chapters, nothing R-rated.

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><p>I had just announced to everyone that I'd be performing my last transmutation. I wasn't <em>entirely<em> wrong. It was the last one that the public would ever see.

"What do you _mean_ alchemy isn't enough?!"

"Silly little alchemist," Truth giggled condescendingly. "Haven't you thought about it, really? Did the idea just come to you on a _whim?_"

I stared at the white figure in front of me, wiping a bit of blood from my cheek as it tickled.

"All humans souls are brought into existence with their own Gate. It contains all they have seen, learned, and ever will be or do." A chuckle that sent a shiver down my spine. "It is not something that they can just _give away_. To do so would forfeit one's soul into nonexistence!"

"But I-I need to get Al's body back!" I gasped desperately. "I don't know what else to give!"

"His body, is that all? If memory serves me correctly, his soul is now here as well, safe and sound inside that frail little body of his." Standing, Truth walked forward, stopping near me with a malicious grin. "It seems you'll need to trade for his body _and_ soul. What will you give me in exchange?"

"I-I don't-" My breath caught in my throat as I tried to back up, but hit my personal Gate. I shivered again, flesh hands grasping it uselessly.

"No answers? How sad. Just minutes ago, you seemed to have every answer."

"Then you took it away!" I snapped, finding my fire again. I took a step forward. "Take everything. Make an even trade, let Alphonse return and keep me here."

"After making so many friends and saving the world and becoming a _hero_, you're ready to give all of that up?"

"You haven't been watching the Elric brothers?" A bitter laugh escaped my throat. "I'd give everything up for him."

Truth stood, watching me with a frown on his face for what seemed like an hour, though in this skewed blankness, was more likely mere moments. "An even trade. Luckily for you, no live creature can remain in this domain for very long." A chuckle escaped Truth again, despite the frown that was still present.

"Though, your payment can remain forever."

* * *

><p>Those were the last words I'd ever heard. I never heard Al call my name when we returned, or the cries of the others when they finally found us. They did find us, I'm sure. Of course, without the sight to verify it, I can't be sure.<p>

It's hard to orient yourself when you don't know what's going on around you. It's hard to come to your senses when they're gone.

_All_ of them.

I sit there as I always do, every day, only moving occasionally to stretch stiff muscles or skeletal aches.

That's really all I have, now.

Deep tissue feeling. Organs, I can feel those too. And that most useful one, that feel of gravity on them.

Useful. _Ha_.

I roll my head to the side, just to _feel_ it and remind myself that I'm still alive. That I'm not just stuck in an endless white abyss, with nobody there to talk to me or wave to me. I'm alone. I'm alive, in my own personal slice of hell, unable to hear, unable to see, unable to _feel_, or even smell or taste. All five of my senses had been stripped, and I hope to the god that calls himself Truth, that Al made it out fine. That my loss was _worth_ something.

What's-oh, right. I've done this before. I'm shaking.

I can feel the trembling throughout my body. I suppose it must be drastic, if I'm able to feel it so deep. It must have started out just as normal trembling. I can't stop it; it happens every time I start thinking about what happened.

But when you're a prisoner in your own mind, when you're trapped and alone, with nobody to distract you from your thoughts, nobody to tell you that it's going to be alright, nothing to focus your eyes on and nothing-there's just _nothing_-what else can I do?

I feel my lungs shudder with a heaving, gasping breath. My head is growing warm. My breath catches again, and as all three actions work in tandem-the gasping, the heat and the trembling-I realize that I'm crying.

I can't feel the tears.

I don't know if someone is there to see them.

I can't feel if they're being wiped away.

I don't even know if I can stop them.

All I can do is lift my legs until I feel that they're on the chair with me, wrap my arms around them and feel the pressure in my knees, then bow my head until it stops on its own, making contact with my legs.

As I choke and stutter on sobs.

Not for the senses that I lost.

But for the people I can no longer sense around me.


	2. Chapter 2

"Any changes today?"

"What do you think?" Al sighed, rubbing at his tired eyes. "I'm sorry, Winry. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"You're recovering too, Al." Winry sat next to him on the bed, placing an arm around his shoulder.

"Too?" Al turned his gaze to her, trying to figure out what she _meant_. "What do you mean, _too?_"

"Well, Ed's-"

"He's not recovering, Winry. That's-that's not something that you-" he steadied himself, taking even, deep breaths. Darn this body that still couldn't handle much stress. "He lost all of his senses. How do you recover from that? All he can do is sit there and cry all day. What kind of _life_ is that?"

Winry turned slightly, wrapping her other arm around him as she nestled her head into the crook of his neck. "I don't know, Al," she sighed, voice muffled. "I only wish there was more we could do for him."

"He can't even make full use of the recliner we-" he was interrupted by a knock on the door, Winry's head leaving the sanctity of her friend's embrace.

"I'll-I'll get it."

* * *

><p>I have no idea how long it's been that I've been like this. I can't keep track of time. I just sleep when I grow tired. I imagine my circadian rhythm is way off, but I can't be sure.<p>

I feel my body warm up and cool down. Whether it's the weather outside or if someone is putting a blanket on me, I don't know.

Some depressing voice in my head tells me it's only been a week.

It feels like an _eternity_.

I don't know how much longer I can take this with my sanity intact.

I bow my head forward again, to feel gravity change its directional pull, and leave out a most-likely exaggerated sigh.

Boredom doesn't even _begin_ to cover it.

It's meditation on steroids. Quiet room, peaceful environment; regress into yourself and just focus on your breathing.

Ironically, that's one thing that I still have control over.

Clear your mind of all thoughts and just be. In doing this, you learn to focus your thoughts and reach serenity.

But I can't wake up. I can't open my eyes and go back to being Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, Hero of the People, Roy Mustang's subordinate and one of the saviors of Amestris.

I'm stuck trying to blindly reach for nirvana.

Never to reach it, because I tried to.

I feel the shuddering gasp again, and I hit my head with my hand as I try to grasp my hair, though I don't feel it either in my fingers or my scalp.

Everything is so dead, so wrong.

I repeat with my other hand as I try to steady my breathing and stave off the tears again. I suddenly feel the gravity shift in my arms, not of my own accord, and receive the only message that tells me I'm not alone.

Whoever has been caring for me since the transmutation, I thank you. I try to say it, though I'm not sure if it made its way to you. I feel a low hum in my throat that usually means speech, but I'm deaf to whatever comes out and I just hope it's right, that I don't offend you and chase you away. You're all I have.

You pull my arms away from my head. Did you think I was trying to hurt myself? It probably looked that way, now that I think about it.

Or is it time for my bath? I can usually pick those out. My body temperature drops and then warms again as you wash me, and I can feel as you move my limbs and my head. How _humiliating_. I'm just a useless rag doll.

No no, don't cry Edward. That's what you're _trying_ to avoid. Although I'm not entirely sure what the point is of stopping the tears. It's one of the few things that I can still do and know _what_ is going on.

I manage to steady my breaths, though I don't feel any more movement. I'm alone again.

It surprises me, really, how quickly I retreat to the endless expanse of white that is my world. To retreat to my thoughts and memories and dreams until I feel something, or _imagine_ that I feel something, and return to my ghost of a reality for a glimpse of hope.

I hang onto every little thing… but it's not enough.

Sometimes, I find a way to get more.

I stand up slowly, stretching stiffness from my knees and back. I make a big show of stretching my whole body, nearly losing balance from absence of sight, and feel a yank on my left arm. Riiight. My lifeline.

My _food_.

I feel someone pushing me back into the seat and I sigh, leaning my head back against what I assume is a comfortable rest. I allow my thoughts to drift away from the IV that's keeping me alive, and wonder how Alphonse is doing. My breath catches in my throat as I realize, as I have so many times in this short but endless week; I'll never see or hear him again.

"Alphonse," I gasp, unable to hear my own words. I'm met with silence and no feeling, and I don't know if he's ever made it home or if he's just not in the room. "Is someone there?" I try to put more effort into the words with my lungs, but the lack of any response, any nudge or change in orientation leaves me feeling more alone than ever.

"I'm sorry," I cry quietly, sure that my words are as deaf to those around me as they are to my own useless ears. "I'm so sorry Alphonse…"


	3. Chapter 3

I don't know much of anything these days. Are they days or nights? It must be an endless day. I've always heard blindness is dark, but maybe I'm special, because mine is as white as Truth's domain.

I lift my arm to reach out into the white, feeling gravity pull at the limb but still unable to see it stretch out in front of me. I let it fall to my side again, weak from just the small effort. I must have been here for some time if my muscles have atrophied that much.

All I do, all I'm allowed to do or physically able to do is to sit here and dream of paradise in my white world. Dream of what would have happened if my alchemy were enough.

I never can see myself settling down. At least not right away, though. I like travel, to meet new people and help people, and learn new alchemy and culture and-and I can never do that again, all I have now is where I've been and who I've met and what I've read.

If I met someone new, I'd never know it. I have nothing to associate with a memory. Hell, I still don't know who's caring for me, if I know them at all.

Just one sense, just _one_ sense to let me know that I'm still a _part_ of this world, and not just floating endlessly in it. I would give my gate, my _soul_ to have just one sense back. But I could never draw the circle to get there, not without my eyes.

I can't find the chalk without my touch.

I can't know if I'm asking for the gateway without my ears.

And nobody ever responds to my words.

Only to my actions.

So I've started making them more prominent. Maybe they look for a sign of life, of intelligence? Maybe I'm in a _lab?_

I yank my left arm, feeling the tug of the IV in it. I tear it out again, only managing to do so by standing and walking back until I hit the wall, flail my arm, and finally feel the freeing of resistance on my limb.

But what now? Arms don't catch me as I slump against the wall, breathing raggedly from the effort. I hang my head, feeling shame. I'm a crippled dog, left in a cage so small that even when freed, I'm too weak to run away.

I feel the choked gasp again, and I curse in my throat and my mind.

I pointlessly reign in my rampant self-pity and regulate my breathing, and try to quiet the tumble of emotions that grows more chaotic with each passing day.

Doesn't my _caretaker_ usually come in and find me on the floor by now? My mind had drifted, it took me longer to get myself under control. I'm still stuck on the floor, with no idea of where I _am_.

Why am I still down here?

I slowly make my way to my feet, the wall at my side to steady me, to hold me up for the several times that I fall against it. I never would have thought standing would be so hard.

I finally make it to my feet, to _standing_, but I feel so exhausted that I fear I'll take one step and hit the floor.

Not that it would be the worst feeling, I'd have a nice sudden collision with gravity, and maybe I'd get a headache to focus on for a while.

I take a step.

Arms out, don't flail, keep your balance.

Another step.

Steady your trembling.

Another step!

How am I still standing?

Another-

Down I go, muscle memory causing my arms to shoot out in front of me and protect my head from impact. I feel the air exit my lungs, leaving me breathless and disoriented as I lay on the floor, unaware of how far I've traveled to _where_.

A terrifying thought fills my head.

If I'm too weak to walk

Too weak to stand

Too blind to search

How will I find my escape?

My breath hitches as I duck my head, too exhausted to hold it up or even _me_. My arms give out and I slide to laying chest-down on the floor, giving me just enough of a change in orientation to be marginally enjoyable in this excuse of an existence. I cross my arms under my head and knock one leg against the other, bringing them together, and close my eyes as I relax.

As though this is just a change of pace.

And not the confirmation of condemnation.

Even if I wanted to, I'd never be able to end my own life and escape.


	4. Chapter 4

"Colonel Mustang!"

"Just Roy is fine, Alphonse," Roy replied with a tired smile, leaving his tinted sunglasses on as he entered the Elric home.

"Sir, are you still-"

"No, my sight has been restored." Roy lifted the glasses enough to be hit with a violently bright blurry image, finding it safer to his eyes that they _gradually_ adjust to vision again. "They're still healing." He paused, glancing down at the again-healthy Alphonse in front of him. "As is Edward, I hope?"

Al cast his eyes down, turning his gaze to the living room. "He's… still here." Al led him into the room where Edward was seated, as usual, in the recliner, appearing as if he were only lost in daydreaming and not dead to the world.

"Edward?" Roy spoke, though he knew the blond wouldn't hear him. "Did you try to use the stone on him, Alphonse?"

"I did, sir. It restored Jean's mobility and your sight, but it didn't affect Ed at all." Al's youthful voice sounded heartbroken and aged with regret more than it should ever have been.

"Dammit." Roy walked over to Ed, watching him carefully as he simply stared ahead, doing nothing but breathing and the occasional twitch of his arm. "How often do you take him outside?"

"Take him-outside?!" Al's eyes widened. "We can't. We've tried moving him around inside already. He fights us all the time."

"Really, he does?" Roy frowned, deciding to make his own assessment. He reached forward, grasping Ed's hands and lifting them up. He was rewarded with widening eyes that searched uselessly about. "Right here, Fullmetal. Stand with me." Roy gave a gentle upward tug.

"He doesn't respond to-" Al gasped as Ed leaned his body forward and pushed with his legs, trying to stand but lacking the energy and falling into his metaphorical cage again. Neither man missed the sound of frustration that escaped his lips. "But how?!"

"Come on Ed, one more time," Roy encouraged, ignoring Al's words. He pulled again, this time pulling up as Ed put as much force into his withered legs as he could muster. Finally upright, Ed's eyes widened in amazement and a grin of triumph appeared on his face, lasting only moments before exhaustion took him and he collapsed against Roy who caught him easily, holding his weak frame upright as Ed managed a small smile.

"But-he never responded to us before!" Al protested, sounding incredibly hurt. "How did you-"

"Well, how did you try to get him up?"

"The same way you did!" Al paused, frowning as the memory returned to him. "No, I think we went under his arms and tried to lift him up. He fell forward and we didn't catch him in time… and he's fought us ever since." Al put a hand to his head, sighing raggedly. "This is all my fault, if he hadn't tried to restore me, if I didn't fail him when he finally did…"

"No, Alphonse." Roy's strong voice had gained a softness to it, silencing the younger Elric. "We can't control the past, only what we do with our future. Please, don't dwell on what happened. It won't do Edward any good. Right Ed?" Roy bent Ed's head back gently to gaze into golden eyes, breath catching when he saw the raw thrill and adoration in them. He'd-he'd never seen that before, and he suddenly couldn't remember a time he found those eyes more beautiful, unfocused or not.

He hid his emotion from Alphonse and he hoped himself as well, gently standing Ed in front of the chair once more. He took Ed's hands in his own once more, smiling sadly as Ed sat again, with Roy's help, much earlier than he'd hoped.

"It seems he just needs a little more encouragement," Roy noted, a softness touching his heart that he hadn't felt since...well, since the last time Ed succumbed to one of his short jokes and tried to murder his superior. "I trust you can continue where I left off, and try to build up his muscles again?"

"Of course!" Al answered, bite to his words as he left his insulted reaction unchecked. "I'm here for him. Winry and I both are."

"I would never think otherwise." Roy squinted at the blazing sun outside, dreading the front door already. He had always loved this beautiful weather, too. "I'd best be on my way. It was nice to visit you both."

"Yeah." Al smiled sadly. "I'm sure brother would agree-"

"Alphonse?"

"Did you hear that?"

"_More?_" A faint, raspy voice drifted over to them, and both scrambled to find Ed turning his head slowly, tiredly. "_More please?_"

"He hasn't spoken in… oh, Ed." Al ran over to him, giving him a warm, brotherly hug.

Which Ed reacted to, and none too well.

Ed gasped out, froze, and then tried to squirm around. He flailed his arms, hitting Alphonse square in the ribs with his elbow; he cried out in half-word gasps as Al tried to still his fighting brother by grabbing his arms and keeping them down.

Roy could see the problem. Al just didn't understand how to communicate with the boy. "Alphonse!" Roy used his commanding tone that he usually saved for subordinates; "Please step aside."

Looking like a beaten dog, Al backed off, leaving a panting and collapsed Ed, face contorted in fear and despair.

"Fullmetal, how many times have I told you to play nice?" Roy stepped forward, pressing on Ed's chest harder and harder until Ed's breath hitched and he swung his arm wildly, barely able to lift it all the way before it fell back to his lap. He calmed when Roy released the pressure, blind eyes searching frantically.

"You're not having any more luck than I was," Al said jealously, crossing his arms as he was once again ignored.

"Well, you liked this, at least." Roy lifted Ed's hands up again, but found that even with his help, Ed hadn't the energy left to stand. He stared at the misery on Ed's face and shook his head. "No, I'm not taking that from you. You're smiling again, dammit."

"Sorry," Ed mumbled, almost too low to be heard.

"No, don't be." Roy reached down, taking Ed's head gently in his hands and slowly rotating it from side to side in a 'no' motion.

Ed's first and natural reaction was to cringe and try to yank his head free, but devoid of the energy to fight, he simply sat there, eyes blank as they searched. Roy waited and shook Ed's head gently again, once more, and was rewarded with a gasp and a revelation.

"_No_." Ed's breath hitched again, and his eyes looked-they looked _up_, as if he _knew_ someone was in front of him and teaching him to communicate this simple word. "No."

"That's right, Ed," Roy said with a ragged, but joyful, sigh. "That's no." Roy released Ed's head, and surprising both men, Ed began slowly nodding.

"_Yes_." He repeated the actions, _yes_ and _no_ until his head finally fell forward with a suddenness that frightened Al and Roy-until one final word escaped Ed. "_Tired_…"

Roy laughed and took Ed by the shoulders, easing him against the back of the chair. "Sleep, Edward. You've earned it."

Al could see Roy's face light up as Ed drifted off to sleep with a small smile. It lifted his spirits and burned at him at the same time.

He'd been trying to take care of his brother, elicit a response for _months_-and Roy Mustang, the Colonel that Ed clashed with at _every_ encounter, earned so much more from Ed in the span of an hour. Was he wrong to feel cheated? To feel _inadequate?_ To feel… jealous.

"I'm a horrible brother," Al whispered, turning from the room. "I can't even save Ed, after he gave everything for me…"

* * *

><p>The entire ordeal was terrifying and exhausting.<p>

But liberating and _exhilarating_.

Because I finally felt someone not just reacting to me, but _interacting_ with me.

I don't know who was there, if it was the same person who had been caring for me. I suspected that it was someone different, because they didn't try to restrain me when I fought back out of fear.

He helped me to stand. He held me against him, like a small child. And then he moved my head to see my reaction.

I can't describe the feeling that came over me, that he _cared_ enough to work with me, even though I can give nothing back in return. I couldn't keep the emotion inside, but it didn't threaten to spill out as tears; rather as a happy giggle, which never made it out because I was too shocked and too exhausted.

And then he taught me _no_ and _yes_. The motions were easy to understand, but that he taught me at the same time he wanted to say no-at least, that was my assumption-

Someone had been able to communicate with me.

If only for a moment, I grasped reality and knew what was going on, despite my lack of senses. I understood.

I repeated the motion like a trained dog, too overwhelmed with the small victory to stop, until I finally lost control of my strained, untrained muscles and slumped, too tired to move any longer.

I felt myself pushed back in my cage, which seemed a bit larger than before.

And I think I had a smile on my face as I disappeared to dream.


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for the reviews, guys! And a thank you to QAS, as I learned new terminology today. Ed has proprioception and interoception, which will be more apparent in later chapters.

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><p>Days pass as I await the supportive embrace to take me in his strong arms again.<p>

I just assume he was male, as he must have been so strong, to hold me like it was nothing.

Unless I've wasted to nothing. And that's why I'm so weak.

Hell, what must I _look_ like?

I feel my arms lifted up and a slight strain on my shoulders as the person pulls invitingly. I obediently stand, feeling less difficulty every day at this action. But I dare not take a step forward, because this isn't the same person who lifted me the first time.

I know, because he doesn't catch me.

He didn't the first time, and I haven't given him a chance since then. He tries to pull me forward to take a step, but I lean back and let myself fall into the chair.

Maybe he's trying to help, but I don't trust him.

He's just my caretaker.

He's not the one who _cares_.

I don't want you, I want the one who cares.

As the words run through my mind, the support that held my arms disappears, leaving me standing alone, freely swaying dangerously as I try to steady myself in surprise. I inevitably fall back into the chair, but those supportive hands don't return, and it dawns on me.

Oh, no.

I didn't say that _out loud_, did I?

"I'm sorry," I gasp out, eyes wide as they search uselessly. "Please, I'm sorry!"

I summon enough strength to stand unassisted, reaching out to take a step forward blindly. I feel a sudden push, lacking any gentleness, and I'm back in my cage with a harsh halting of motion.

"I'm sorry," I try again, pulling my knees to myself and curling up, wrapping my imaginary tail around myself securely.

"Please, don't leave…" I await for a reaction from the outside world, but all is still and I drop my head onto my knees, the shuddering gasps threatening to bring fresh tears and soak the pants that I must be wearing.

The silence is deafening again.

The isolation is _overwhelming_.

I was a fool to believe in hope.

I have no senses, and no sense.

How can I have hope like this?

* * *

><p>The door swung open, allowing Roy entry. Alphonse pointed to the living room, a dark expression that looked so alien on his face; on the boy who was always so innocent.<p>

"Go to him, _Colonel_."

"Alphonse?" Roy questioned in surprise, obediently walking to the doorway to check on Ed. He frowned as he saw the blonde man curled up into a hopeless ball, closing himself off to the world more than was already done to him. "What happened?"

"Take him with you." Al shook his head, irreparable pain in his voice. "He doesn't-he wants _you_, not me. I can't give him the only thing he deserves. Only you can."

"Alphonse, what the hell has gotten into you?" Roy glared at the young man, not prepared for the outburst in reply.

"He doesn't _want_ me! I can't help him! He _knows_ it's not you helping him, and it's because I'm a _failure_ as a brother! He gave up his entire _world_ to bring me back, and I can't even give him a _hint_ of the happiness that you did!" Al's outcry had turned into _screaming_, but Roy stood fast. "He doesn't think I _care_, he _told_ me, he doesn't _want_ my halfassed help anymore, he wants _you!_" Al gasped and dropped to his knees, rage violently leaving him in a shudder as he broke into tortured sobs.

Before Roy could go to Ed, he knelt down to comfort Alphonse. He pulled the younger man into a gentle embrace, trying to find the right words. There are no right words for this.

"I'm sorry, Alphonse. There's nothing I can…" Roy sighed, holding the shaking boy tighter in his arms. "I can't take your brother from you."

"I want you to," Al whispered in a broken voice. "I can't be selfish and keep him with me out of guilt." _Sniffle_ "After all that he's given up, he deserves happiness. Even if-if I'm not the one to give it to him. Please, Roy, take him home with you. I need him to have happiness, please."

Roy rested his chin on Al's head, able to gaze at Ed's withdrawn state from their position. He closed his eyes and sighed, running his hand through Al's hair more as a comfort to himself than anything.

"I've seen the way you look at him," Al whispered, startling Roy out of his thoughts. "And I saw the way he looked at _you_."

"Al…"

"Don't deny it, not now. You admired him, even before, for his resiliency and his force of will. He never gave up, and you used that as a lifeline when you felt weak in the knees." Roy felt like he was having trouble breathing. "You saw a kid who had been beaten down but never stayed down. A child who became a man before he was ready to, but he _had_ to, and he thrived for it."

He was _suffocating_.

"And he always drew strength from you. Maybe you thought he shrugged off what you said, but he hung onto every word as the absolute truth, the guide to bring him closer to wholeness, not just in body, but in spirit."

His head was spinning.

"You need him just as much as he needs you," Al stated, the volition reverberating through his voice as he pulled Roy to his feet and faced him toward the living room. "Now go, Roy; make him smile."

Roy walked toward Ed as if in a trance. He stopped, took Ed's head in his hands, and eased the boy's head back. He waited as two lost eyes came to focus and searched around with such a startling lack of _hope_.

"You never gave up hope before. You're _not_ starting now."

* * *

><p>It can't be him, can it? My caretaker hasn't done this, but <em>he<em> has.

I nearly shiver as my head is pulled back slowly, as though inviting me out of my protective ball. I stare ahead, not wanting to leave the safety of my mind, the only thing I _know_ is concrete, to face false hope. I wait, but as I try to lower my head again, he holds it solidly. I search with my eyes, wondering if the strike of resistance in my heart makes it to my face.

I suddenly feel pressure on my head, pressing me back. My breathing grows difficult, and I try repeatedly to gasp for air, gaining limited access with just my nasal passages.

Panic grips me as I try to escape the restraint, finally registering when the weight is gone and I can breathe again. I lash out with my arm, feeling satisfaction as it stops suddenly in front of me-signifying that it connected with someone. I wait for another attack, but nothing comes.

Am I alone again? I lift my arm up hesitantly, reaching out. It goes so far before stopping, and I can't help but wonder if they're just watching me, or if they're trying to talk to me.

"Hello?"

My head is tilted back again, the motion that first brought me joy; but a moment ago, fear. Why couldn't I breathe? Was his hand over my mouth?

But I wasn't talking, was I?

I feel the pressure and the breathing impairment for a second time, but hold still as I try to discern what's _happening_. My head tilts slightly, and my heartbeat quickens-is that fear of the unknown, or excitement?

My breathing slowly grows heavier and he makes my head move back and forth, and I'm _so_ confused. He's not stopping, but I don't think he's trying to hurt me.

It is a _he_, right?

Because this kind of feels like it could be

A _kiss_.

I'll be honest, I've never had a real kiss. Only kisses on the cheek from mom and maternal figures in my life, and once as a kid from Winry. So I'm not sure, but I can't think of anything else it would be.

Testing my theory, I tilt my head to the side a bit more, pushing back against the pressure. As torturous or alien as it is, I can't feel my mouth, but I try to work the muscles as though I were just talking-

Oh hell, what'd I do?

There's a weight on my chest now, pushing me farther down into my chair; I'm more convinced now than ever that it's soft and padded. I can _feel_ my spine curve and my lungs struggle to keep up in their cramping cavity.

Finally, _relief_.

The weight, the suffocation, is suddenly gone. I'm left to catch my breath, my mind as hazy as my face surely is. I stare dumbstruck, two strong hands helping to slide me into a decent seated position from my haphazard slump.

_Was_ that a kiss?

I'm known for being a genius, a prodigy. My mind works circles around a lot of people. I'm so glad for that now, because I'm slow when it comes to romantic relationships.

What can I say? I spent my puberty fighting, not loving.

"Hello?"

I must sound so intelligent. After all of that, I utter the same word I had minutes ago, before the world started spinning and I was thrown from isolation into blissful chaos.

It must be enough, because there's a tugging on my arms, inviting me to stand again.

I'm stronger this time.

I can stand.

I don't fall forward.

I take a step, bump into his body, and wrap my arms around him.

He's back, and I'm not letting go.


	6. Chapter 6

I think I asked him if he was male. He nodded my head for me.

For good measure, I asked if he was female. Then he shook my head _no_.

But what if my mouth mixed them up? He might be a she.

It doesn't matter, because I'm not sure what my brain could have confused _kiss_ for when I said it, and was rewarded with the request.

I suppose a kiss is better when you can feel it, and taste it, and smell the other person. Hear their moans of pleasure, even.

But I don't have all of that.

All I have is the tremendous feeling of awe.

What kind of person is this, to put so much time and effort into someone as broken as I am?

To, dare I fantasize; _love_ someone who can't even know who they are?

How could he love me? I'm just a helpless, lost little plaything.

_Shit_ I didn't mean little! I'm not _small!_

I think I cursed aloud too, because I feel a sudden blow to my chest.

_That's_ new.

The hell?

Did you just _hit _me?

I reached out quickly, wildly, but was met with empty air. Confused and angry, I stand, somehow catching my balance as I walk forward with what I'm _positive_ is an irritated growl in my throat.

"Hey! You there?!"

Still no answer, but as I take a few more steps, weakness slams me. I'm stronger than I was, but still not strong _enough_. My knees cry, my legs buckle, and I go down.

But I don't hit the floor.

I'm floating in midair, upright but unsupported by my own legs. I focus and feel the smallest bit of difficulty breathing and realize I'm being held in a supportive, standing hug.

By _him_.

I wrap my arms around him again, and am rewarded with a tilting head and another kiss.

Another reminder of how much he must love me.

I don't know why he would, but I'm falling in love with him for it.

He always catches me. He's never rough about it.

And he seems to know _just_ what I need.

I know he's there right now. And somehow, I know he's watching.

So I smile.

* * *

><p>I don't understand why he left again. I'm with the caretaker again, but I dare not voice my displeasure.<p>

My caretaker is… faceless, naturally. I don't have a name, so I'm going to call it a _her_. Because _he_ can't be _her_. This might make it easier for my chaotic and detached mind to differentiate them.

She's not _awful_, but she's not him. She's not as strong either. But I trust her a little more than I did before.

I took a risk the other day, and walked when she pulled me forward. I made it a few steps before gravity and disorientation made me fall sideways, but she caught me before I hit the floor. I was frightened and gasping, and her embrace was decidedly less _gentle_ than his, but she caught me.

Now, I let her lead me around. I'm building up my strength, though I don't know what for. To live a long, healthy life?

_Ha_.

Each step is gravity tugging on my insides, on my bones, on my muscles. It's a haphazard guess of whether I'm balanced correctly or not, and even that is made more difficult by most of my left leg being artificial.

It's so quiet as I walk. Peaceful in a deceptively relaxing way.

As though I don't have to worry about where I'm going, and I'm free.

I'm still a prisoner, I'm no fool.

But at least _he_ is trying to get me back on my feet.

Because she never tried so hard until he came into my life.

But where _did_ he go?

Quiet, thoughts. Stop jumping around.

But that's all you have, Edward.

I know. Just… maybe he has responsibilities somewhere? A job?

For days at a time, Ed?

Maybe he has to travel.

Maybe you're just his _toy_.

Perhaps. But it's better than nothing.

My heart squeezes as the possible truth of him not _loving_ me crosses my mind, and I lose focus and nearly fall, but she catches me again. We're walking again, around in circles as always.

I'm getting tired.

I keep going, trying to improve my strength and endurance for him, for when he returns.

He has to return.

He's my reason to live.


	7. Chapter 7

I'm stirred from my thoughtful and pointless reverie by my arms being lifted and tugged upwards. As I do every day, I respond to it by standing obediently, awaiting her to lead me around the room.

She doesn't lead.

She doesn't move.

She still has my arm; it hasn't fallen to my side by gravity.

Why are we just standing here? I didn't say something stupid again, did-

My head is tilted back as a body bumps against me. I know my eyes widen on reflex as my heart leaps with the possibility-and I feel it again, the breathlessness as he steals my mouth from me again.

He's _back_.

I give him all that I can, and it must be what he wants, because resistance leaves my legs-he's lifted me off my feet as we kiss. I'm losing air fast, but that's not what's causing this dizzying feeling.

I am so damned drunk off of this feeling, off of want, off of _love_.

I wish I knew who he was, because I'm in love with him.

I fell for him, literally, and he caught me.

Free of the kiss, I laugh stupidly at the cheesiness of my own thoughts, wondering if he's confused by my laughter. He had to have noticed it, since I felt it rippling through me and leaving me with a giddy feeling.

I'm suddenly swaying unsteadily, and realize that my support is gone.

Oh shit, I didn't offend him, did I? I reach out, and feel him tug at that arm as it reaches him. He must want me to follow.

I walk with him eagerly, proud to show the progress I've made in my energy and balance. Which I lose as he leads me around a curve I hadn't anticipated, causing me to abruptly stop as I slip out of his hand and hit a wall.

I don't cry out, I don't gasp. I just stand there with what I'm sure is a confused look on my face.

"The hell?"

Both of my arms are taken this time, I presume to reduce the chance of another misstep like that, and I'm pulled through the room, around another corner, I bump _into_ something at waist-height, and finally, my nerves are fried and I resist his tugging, shaking my head as I gasp. The tug comes again, gentler this time, but I can't do it.

I pull my hands away, allowing myself to drop to my knees as I steady the spinning in my mind and the sudden, strange overwhelming of stress.

Where did this _come_ from? Why do I _have_ this feeling of anxiety?

I'm just going for a little walk, dammit!

I was the one who was eager for this, and now I'm _panicking?_

"Wait," I gasp out again, though nobody has tried to touch me yet. "Sorry," I continue, then repeat myself. "Sorry, sorry, fast, scared.."

I'm not lifted to my feet, but I feel my ribs being squeezed and my head tilted to the side, stopping as it made contact with… with _him_.

An encompassing calm comes over me as I'm held in his supporting arms, being given all the time I need to compose myself.

Steady your breathing, Edward.

Why am I panicking? Be rational, figure this out.

I feel my nerves settling as I use the scientific part of my brain.

Only, I'm not a therapist.

I'm an alchemist.

I was so eager before, to escape my prison.

I'm still locked away, but the prison just grew from a little cell to the whole compound.

There's new obstacles.

New _unknowns_.

I always liked to figure things out, things I didn't know.

But now…

Without my senses to interpret them, the unknowns scare the hell out of me.

_And that's why you're panicking, Ed_.

I was calm now, and probably worrying him. I lifted my head, slowly standing next to him. I feel him lift my hands again and give a gentle tug, as if he were asking for _permission_. While it's humiliating to need it, I thank him for it. I walk with him, feeling a new layer of confidence. I know what my fear is, and he understands me for it.

I wonder if he's someone I knew before this all happened.

We stop suddenly, but I patiently wait for the next instruction.

I hope we're almost there. I don't want to be seen as weak, I _have_ been practicing, but I'm starting to tire.

He pulls me forward, though there's more of a pull on my shoulders than my arms. What?

I step forward, but it's a bit jarring, because the floor goes _missing_. I gasp in fright as I don't feel the familiar shock of my leg connecting with the floor. I'm tempted to freeze, but he's still in front of me, still guiding me, so I let my foot fall.

Much later than it should have, my foot connects with a solid surface. As relief fills me, I realize that my heart is _pounding_, I'm shaking and breathing heavily.

Calm _down_ Edward, he has you! He won't let you fall.

He doesn't tug me forward, but I take the next daring step, feeling the same sensation. I suck it up and gain the same result, landing a bit later and a bit-lower?

Down. Down.

_Oh_.

All of that anxiety and I was only going down _stairs!_

"Stupid," I rasp, pushing forward much more quickly, annoyed with myself for having a fit over such a trivial obstacle. I feel a slight resistance from him, but I just push against it, clearing the remainder of the stairway in short time.

Only now, I don't really know where to go. I stand there and feel a sudden warmth wash over me.

Oh, what's that? It's really relaxing.

I can take a break now, right?

Apparently not.

He has me by one hand again, tugging on my arm. I mock annoyance on my face, throwing in a smile as I walk with him.

The ground is strangely uneven. Incline, decline, I'm tilted up, sideways, I even nearly fall backward before he catches me. It's all so insane that I just can't help but laugh. There's no sudden turns and no bumping into things.

He must have picked up on that.

Damn, he's awesome.

Once I realize that there's nothing to run into, I feel my confidence returning. I know it's getting the better of me. I let go of his hand, and before he can register, I take off.

I'm tired.

My lungs are screaming.

I don't know if I'll hit a wall.

I still can't see anything, but I have a shaky grasp on freedom.

And I'm _running_.

_Alone_.

The sudden thought brought sickening glee to me as I realized that as freeing as it was to be able to run unassisted, I didn't _want _to be alone. I wanted to share my joy with him. I stop, all too suddenly, and am sent ass over heels in a mad tumble across the unfamiliar terrain.

Oh, how I must look.

I wonder if he saw me.

Laughter bubbles up inside me and spills out, leaving me with no hope of standing. I feel a frantic tug on my shoulder. My world is upchucked as he rolls me onto my back.

But I can't stop laughing.


	8. Chapter 8

To QAS- I ship RoyEd as well as other pairings. Though Roy honestly held a deep admiration that developed into more, Ed has fallen in love with the unidentified man who has been caring for him, in awe of the love _he_ must have for Ed to love someone stuck in his position.

And thanks for the reviews, everyone!

* * *

><p>"It's good to see him happy again," Alphonse remarked, sporting a genuine smile. "You're doing an amazing job, Roy."<p>

"Thank you, Al. Though you know it's not just me. Have you seen the fire in his eyes? Especially when he gets tripped up by something," Roy added with a laugh. "You should have _seen_ his face when he realized he was freaking out over stairs. It was priceless!"

"You sound so heartless," Al sighed. "I'll tell you what I didn't miss, though. He got pretty overwhelmed in the kitchen, didn't he?"

"There's going to be a lot that's unfamiliar to him now. Even a wayward chair can be a danger to him and something to cause fear. He'll get past it. Just you watch."

"I hope you're right. He's sure been enjoying himself lately."

"Yeah. I'll tell you, when he took off running earlier-"

"He tried to _run away?!_"

"Apparently you missed that," Roy murmured. "He was just testing his freedom, Alphonse. He wouldn't run away. He stopped suddenly, tumbled over himself, and started laughing like an idiot."

Al glanced in the room to spot Ed napping on his chair, the day's events exhausting him. "He's made a lot of progress since you've been with him. Thank you, sir."

"I wonder what must be going on in his mind," Roy mused thoughtfully. "It sure seems like that's intact, but doesn't talk much."

"Without being able to hear it, maybe he's worried that he's saying the wrong things."

"And so he focuses on making sure what words _do_ come out are clear and understood."

"I have no doubt that he could manage in a set environment without any help," Roy said suddenly. "He's better at figuring things out than we give him credit for."

"Maybe, but he could still injure himself if left unsupervised."

"He can do that with or without his senses," he replied with a sigh.

Al couldn't help but laugh. Roy was right.

* * *

><p>After our walk, I can feel him backing me up against my chair. My legs hit the seat and I lower myself into it, leaning back in contentment. I'm ready to drift off for a nap, but my arm is tugged on, stirring me out of the peace.<p>

Huh?

I tilt my head, focusing intently as the arm is moved to the outside of the chair on my right, then smacked against the side.

Okay, now I'm confused. Is there a kid here? Playing with me?

My arm is being bent and pushed back, before it's made to smack at the side again. I pull my arm away in confusion, but it's simply moved back into place.

And the point is?

My arm is bent once more, and suddenly I feel like I'm falling. My legs fly up and my body reels back, sending me into a panic as I reach out blindly for support.

I try to yell out to stop, for help, for support; but my brain tells me that it was only a strangled cry.

It honestly takes me a minute to realize that I'm steady again, but my body is still horizontal and I still feel like I'm floating and not in control. My head is still spinning from the sudden motion, and I feel nauseated enough to consider vomiting.

My head is bent back, and fear grips me again. A pressure assures me it's just _him_, but I still feel like I'm falling and I turn my head away, gasping in lingering terror.

What did he _do?!_

I try to put my feet down on the floor to get up, but there's something under them. I can't move.

I try to grasp for support as I lift my upper body, but there's nothing there and I'm too shaken to get up.

I fall back and cry out weakly, feeling my body shake terribly.

I was doing so well. I had so much control.

I was starting to really make progress.

Was he just setting me up to break me again?

I feel a shuddering gasp escape me, but I didn't feel like fighting the tears this time.

The wind escapes me as I feel a harsh blow to my chest, snapping me out of my spiraling thoughts.

He _hit_ me again!

Why the hell does he keep hitting me?!

And after _he_ caused my panic, too!

I swing out wildly, enraged further when my arm connects with only air. I try again to sit up, my frightened shaking dissipating enough that I can no longer feel it. I feel myself fall back with another push, then a hit to my chest again.

"_Asshole!_"

He has the gall to try and kiss me again, but I really plow my hand into his head, and feel myself move as he rocks the chair on his fall to the floor.

My satisfaction and anger is short-lived as I calm down and realize that he hasn't tried to move me again. I wait for several minutes, the grasp of loneliness latching into my heart with an icy grip. I gasp in fear and regret, turning my head pointlessly.

"Hello?!"

I reach for him, but my arms sail freely through the air. I try again to upright myself, but my legs are still blocked by the phantom force beneath them.

Concern for _him_ and frustration finally surmount my perception of limitation, and I lift my legs up, _slamming_ them down with all of my might.

_Whups_.

Whatever had been holding my legs up crashed downward, disappearing underneath me. The momentum I had thrown into my body sends me tumbling forward, landing in a stunned heap in the floor.

I feel somebody moving me, studying me. It's hurried, jerky, and leaves just as quickly as it arrives.

"Hello?"

There's a silence and stillness as I'm left in a half-slump on the floor, knees strained from the apparent hard surface. I hang my head forward as I wait in hope of guidance.

Because I'm just completely lost without it.

He can abuse me all he wants, I can't fight it.

Because I can't survive without help.


	9. Chapter 9

"Hell," Roy moaned, slowly sitting up in his seat. "What happened?"

"Ed punched you," Alphonse replied, just the slightest hint of amusement in his voice. "What did you do to him?"

"I tried to teach him how to use the recliner."

"Apparently it didn't go very well?"

"He panicked when it laid him back, and once I snapped him out of it, he just grew really angry. When I tried to get him to relax, he um…" Roy rubbed his tender temple, wincing at the pain.

"Knocked you flat on your ass with one punch." Al chuckled lightheartedly. "Well, he's certainly… calmed down." Al motioned to the living room, where Ed was curled up in his chair, chin on his knees as he stared through the universe with resignation on his face. "When I heard you hit the floor, I came running and made it just in time to see Ed fall out of the chair. He was fine, but I think he's… lonely again."

"He needs to get his independence back," Roy murmured.

"How can he, Roy? He gets lost in the same room. He can't feed himself, he can't use the bathroom or bathe himself…"

Roy had a thoughtful expression on his face. He turned his gaze to Ed, the blonde's only movement coming from his breathing. "I'd bet against you on that, really."

"You couldn't even teach him how to use a recliner, Roy. How can you expect to teach him to eat? Or, heaven forbid, take care of his hygiene?"

"Let's tackle that recliner first." Roy stood and made his way into the living room, Alphonse tailing him curiously.

"Do you really think you can teach him?"

"We're going to find out right now." Roy pulled Ed's arms away from his legs, earning a noise of disapproval as the arms went right back to where they were. "You stubborn little shit." Roy pulled the arms away again, yanking Ed's feet to place them onto the floor.

"Asshole," Ed muttered again, crossing his arms indignantly.

"I hear the sentiment in that." Roy went to Ed's right side, placing the blond's hand by the reclining lever and giving it a tap.

Immediately, Ed tore his hand back with a panicked expression on his face.

"No!"

"Yes," Roy encouraged, placing Ed's hand there once more. He hit Ed's hand against the lever, then mimicked the pulling motion. He carefully studied the controlled fear on Ed's face, repeating the hitting and pulling several times for Ed, then tapped on his chest. "Your turn, Edward."

Ed lifted his arm curiously, eyes gazing around as he processed the information in his mind. After minutes of hesitant reaching and his mouth moving silently, he slowly reached down, tapping his hand around the lever. It took relatively few taps for him to find the solid protrusion, furrowed brows and sudden determination appearing on his face as he mimicked the pulling motion, setting the recliner into action.

His legs flew up and bounced slightly, his upper body fell back, and his head smacked against the plush headrest. He gasped in surprise, but kept his trembling relatively under control as his focused eyes showed that he was _processing_ what had happened.

"Ed?"

He reached down for the lever that was no longer within reach from his current position, but paused before he could let it affect his composure. He tapped the footrest with his heel, following suit with both feet. Lifting higher each time he thumped it, he finally found the right pressure to push the footrest down and lift the back of the chair, _much_ more gently than the first round. As he sat upright again with focused confusion on his face, his sudden outburst made Roy and Al laugh.

"What the hell kind of chair is this?!"

Roy stood, tilting Ed's head back gently. He stared at the widening golden eyes that suddenly filled with emotion.

"Roy? What are you doing?"

"You mean you've never caught us, Alphonse?"

"Caught you _what?_"

Roy leaned down, pressing his lips to Ed's. He pushed forward, giving Ed the sensory pressure he needed. In reply, Ed's hands connected with Roy abruptly, resting on his lower back before pulling him closer.

Ed made an effort to join Roy in the kiss, delighting the older man. His arms wrapped supportingly underneath Ed's rear, earning a blush and a mad giggle as he lifted him up for a better kiss.

"_Colonel!_" Al hollered his disapproval.

Roy paused from the kiss long enough to answer. "I thought you supported us, Alphonse."

"Some would think you're taking advantage of him!" Al crossed his arms. "He doesn't even know who you are!"

"Does he need to?" Roy frowned. "You know it's not possible for him to live as he used to, with the same moral standards that we have. You said it yourself, he needs help for everything. You know how prideful Ed is; can you imagine what it's like for him, that you have to take care of his every need?"

"But he can't even feel the kiss!"

"Judging by how he kisses me _back_, I beg to differ."

"Hey! Kiss!" Ed's disgruntled call caught their attention, the blush still on his face. "And don't think I don't know your hands are under my _ass_, I can feel deep-tissue sensation!"

Roy laughed at the slack-jawed shock on Al's face, obliging Ed with another kiss.

"As little as he talks, _that_ comes out of his mouth." Al put a hand to his head as it shook in disbelief. "Well, I'll condone it if Ed will."

"Thank you for your blessing, Alphonse." Roy chuckled as Al walked away, red in the face.

* * *

><p>I mastered that chair. I <em>mastered<em> that chair!

Although I still feel stupid that it caused me so much panic on the first round.

I can make myself lay down in the chair whenever I want. It's really a nice change of orientation.

And as dumb as it is, I feel more in _control_.

Although since I've spent so long sleeping upright, I sometimes wake up in a panic when I'm horizontal.

It happens again. I wake with a start, feeling dizzy and anxious. I slam down with my heels, rocketing myself forward-and by some miracle, even though I'm thrown out of the chair, I manage to remain standing.

My heart is _pounding_. This is so annoying.

Feeling brave, I slowly begin to walk around, both of my hands spread forward to field any sudden obstacles. I try to remember the steps I took with him, and after what seems like an eternity, I keel over as something waist-length trips me up. Gasping nervously, I give myself a moment to perceive, and realize it's probably just a table-as half my body was laying on it, but my feet were still touching the floor.

Call me short again, I'm taller than the _table_, Mustang!

It takes me a minute, but I upright myself. I begin my blind exploration again, bumping into things more gently this time. I continue bumping the wall with my hand, my hip, and my foot; using this method, I'm able to follow it flawlessly.

I must be making a lot of noise. Where are they? Isn't she around? Did he leave again?

I do another smack of my hips, realizing how silly I must look doing this, but the thought falls dead as I suddenly feel myself falling.

The wall just gave _out!_

I didn't hit it that hard, did I?!

I lay dazed for a moment before rolling to my side, assuming I'm uninjured. My bones don't ache, my muscles don't burn. My head just thumps a bit, but it's dissipating.

I bet I'm bruised all over. _Haha_.

I shakily stand again, taking a few steps forward. My arms contact nothing as I suddenly slip forward, careening off of some invisible cliff.

While I haven't felt pain in a while, I'm glad that the one in my arm isn't all that bad as I slam roughly into something solid before rolling. As I finally come to a complete stop, I let myself lay, figuring I'd only get into more trouble if I kept _exploring_.

My body temperature is steadily growing lower.

I wonder if I can still shiver from the cold? Maybe I'm doing it now, but I don't even realize it.

Wait, cold?

It's not that cold in my room!

Am I _outside?!_

Oh, hell. Kitchen, door, stairs.

Edward, you _idiot_.

I wonder if I can make it back inside without incident.

I feel around curiously, but I must have rolled far enough away, because I can't _find the stairs_.

Oh, no.

I don't feel the sun warming me.

I'm outside, at night, with nobody around.

I try to keep my wits about me as I cry out for assistance.

"Hey! _Hey! _Someone, help!"

Calm your breathing. Hyperventilating will only make it worse.

"Help! Hello?!"

I wait for much longer than it should take someone to come to my aid, but I'm still surrounded by the cold loneliness. I feel a shiver as the cold and the dread work in tandem.

"H-hello!" I yell louder, at least I _think_ it's louder. "Someone please!"

I remain on my hands and knees, feeling incredibly helpless. I could be just inches out of arm's reach of the stairs, but I have no way of knowing.

"Please," I gasp, reaching out for someone to take me back indoors. "PLEASE!"

I bow my head as I receive no answer, shaking terribly from the cold and the fear.

Some animal could come and attack me. Could I defend myself?

I wouldn't even know it was _there_ until it was on me.

What if it's colder out here than I realize? I'm shaking, is that from shivering?

The rationalization of my situation isn't calming me as it usually does. Because usually, I'm indoors.

Where I'm warm.

And safe.

I yell out one last time for help, but nobody comes.

Nobody can _hear _me.

I scream.


	10. Chapter 10

"_Edward!_"

Alphonse and Winry were at Ed's side in minutes, pulling on his arms to shake him out of his panic.

"Ed _stop!_" Winry cried, tugging furiously as Ed's tortured scream cut through her. "Ed, _please!_"

Ed's screaming died down rapidly as they pulled him off of his hands and sat him the few feet away on the stairs, shaking his shoulders to get his attention. His wide, frightened eyes searched frantically as he tried to speak coherently.

"H-he-hello? A-Alphonse? S-someone-there?"

Alphonse wrapped his arms around his big brother, something that Ed usually resisted. He shook, crying as Ed relaxed in his arms and rested his head on Al.

"Al, we need to get him inside," Winry said quietly as she wiped the tears from her face. "He's still shivering; it's freezing out here."

"Yeah. C-come on, Ed." Al pulled away and tugged at Ed's arms, surprised by how quickly he responded and stood.

Guided by Al as Winry moved possible obstacles out of the way, Ed followed obediently, having no clue that his skin was pale and icy to the touch. He stumbled on the stairs, but kept going because Al caught him; never hit the kitchen table on the way in, and made it to his chair much, much more quickly than he'd ventured away from it.

Winry materialized a thick blanket, sliding herself under it as she nestled next to him. He seemed to sense her presence, responding with thankfulness as he spoke.

"Cold," Ed shivered. "You'll...get cold."

"Oh Ed," Winry laughed on a sob. "Don't you dare think I'm leaving you for something that silly." She put her arm around his middle, squeezing tenderly.

Alphonse reinserted Ed's IV as he snuggled peacefully with Winry, a smile making its way to his face. Ed had scared them senseless with his sudden screaming, waking them from their sleep.

Hadn't Ed tried _calling_ them first?

It's not like they could ask.

Knowing where Winry would spend the rest of her night, Al shared a short kiss with her, taking up residence on the couch nearby.

* * *

><p>"Yes, Roy, I told you. He managed to get outside. At <em>three in the morning<em>."

"Well, he's clearly...growing bolder," Roy replied dumbly on the other end of the phone call.

"He couldn't find his way back in, and he started screaming. I don't know if bolder is a good thing..."

"He's going to learn from that, you know. I doubt he'll go outside alone after last night."

"I hope not. I don't think I can-_Edward!_" Al dropped the phone as he rushed to Ed, who was up and wandering, studying the layout of the kitchen with knocks and kicks. "What are you-"

As soon as Al grabbed his arm, Ed froze in place with a guilty expression on his face. "Ummmm I was just… I want water?"

"But Ed, your IV takes care of…" Al sighed when he realized that Ed had torn out the IV _again_. "Fine. I'll get you water." Al led Ed to the kitchen table, sitting him down gently. He ran over to the phone, muttered an 'I'll call you back' and hung up on Roy.

Ed sat patiently as Al put the smallest amount of water into a mug for him, stood with him, and held it to Ed's lips. Tilting Ed's head back, he tipped the water-but was surprised when Ed turned his head just enough to yank away.

"Ed?"

"I can do it." Ed cupped his hands together to hold the mug, waiting expectantly. As Al reluctantly sat the mug in Ed's hands and guided it to his mouth, he released his grasp, curious to see if Ed really could do it.

And why couldn't he? It's only a cup of water.

Some of the water _did_ make it into Ed's mouth. Most of it, however, landed on his face and trickled down to wet his shirt collar. He had tipped it up too high, and it was both comical and disheartening to see Ed sitting there with a cup balanced on his face, curious eyes darting around.

As soon as Ed moved, the mug dropped to the floor. It shattered, just an audible reminder of Ed's disability and Al's heartbreak.

"Is that all?" Ed asked expectantly, furrowing his brows. "So little."

Al sighed, quickly returning the shattered pieces into a mug and placing it out of harm's way on the table. He pulled Ed to his feet, leading him back to the living room to the recliner. Moments after he sat Ed in the seat, he was knocked over as Ed got right back up.

"Too much sitting," Ed complained, taking one step-into Al-before tripping and crashing spectacularly to the floor. "-Hell!"

"Some days, it is," Al replied quietly, pulling himself to his feet. He pulled Ed upright and led him outside, guiding him down the short flight of stairs. He smiled when he spotted the confident recognition on Ed's face.

"Outside? Is it day?"

"Of course it is, Ed. Besides, I'm with you!"

Al accompanied Ed for some time before Ed tugged his arm away.

"Brother?"

Ed began walking freely and slowly, arms held out as though welcoming the world. His eyes closed as his head tilted back, staring at the sun through lids he couldn't feel with eyes that couldn't see.

Al watched his brother in wonder, running forward only once Ed dropped to his knees and sucked in a sharp gasp. "Ed?!"

"I'm lost," Ed cried, hands squeezing the cool grass. "No matter... I'm still... I can't get free..." He shuddered and started crying in anguish.

"Ed, please..." Al wrapped his arms around Ed's shoulders with a squeeze, shocked when Ed threw him off.

"At least Al could _see_ and _hear_ in the armor!" Ed screamed, lashing out once again and slamming his hand into Al's face. He stood rapidly, bolting away from the house at an alarming speed.

"_Brother!_" Al leapt to his feet, chasing madly after Ed. "Stop!"

Ed may have been the older brother, but the unfamiliar terrain slowed him down enough for Al to tackle him. This made Ed fight harder, trying to escape as Al restrained him.

"Let me go, let-me go! I don't-I can't _do_ this anymore!"

"Ed, calm _down!_" Al wrapped his arms around Ed, pinning his arms to his sides. His already aching heart shattered as Ed tried to pull away from him, failed, and started _screaming_ as loud as he could.

"Winry! _Winry!_" Al cried as loud as he could, forcing Ed to his knees on the ground. Ed's screaming was ear-splitting, and he knew if his cries didn't summon her, the screams would.

Winry abandoned her work when she heard the commotion, racing out of her workshop so quickly that she nearly didn't open the door in time. Crossing the distance in record time, she arrived to help Al try and comfort Ed.

"What happened?!"

"He just-it _got_ to him, Winry! His condition is-Ed, _stop!_" Al yanked back on Ed, who had nearly freed himself. He somehow forgot that Ed's training allowed him to slither away from danger, and within moments, Al and Winry were chasing after him again, the screaming abated... if only momentarily.

"He's going to get himself injured!" Winry cried, reaching Ed just after Al grabbed him again.

"No, he's-not!" Al twisted his body, throwing them both to the ground. "Take his leg!"

Winry froze with a wide-eyed gasp. "Wh-_what?_"

"Take his _leg off, Winry!_"

"_Alphonse!_ He has so little freedom, and you're going to limit him even more?!"

"He's going to get himself _killed!_" Al suffered an elbow to the ribs, pinning Ed once more. "Do you want him to _die_, Winry?"

"He already did," Winry whispered quietly, tears beginning as she knelt down to take Ed's greatest tool to freedom.

Ed's cries had since become incoherent babbling, mixtures of pleas to be freed and yells of resistance. He was crying more than Winry, but his strength hadn't waned one bit in the struggle.

It took only moments for the leg to slide out of the port, becoming a dead weight of medical technology rather than the hopeful freedom it had been moments ago. Winry clutched it to her chest as she stood and backed away, still shaking with silent sobs as she watched Al release his handicapped brother.

Finally freed, Ed swung out to connect with only air. He gasped from the stress he had been under, trying to make it to his feet to run.

And failed.

Ed cried out as he fell down, attempting again to repeat the process. He tried a second time, his fervent anger turning to panic as he made a third bid for freedom and only landed on his side in a debilitated heap.

He remained there, heaving and gasping as his condition slowly sunk in.

Al and Winry cringed, awaiting the yelling and screaming-

But he only curled up on himself, tucking his head into his arms as he went still.

* * *

><p>I didn't scream. I didn't lash out.<p>

They took my leg, my last vestige of freedom.

I'm a shell of who I was, _what_ I was. I can't live like this.

Every glimpse of freedom reminds me of how hard I have to fight just to do the smallest things. It's a reminder of how limited I am.

And dammit, I need more interaction with _people_. But I can't do that anymore.

Freedom, my ass. I'm just a prisoner, stuck forever in this inescapable cage.

My only true release will be death.

She's denied me even that.

Please, if you care for me, if you _knew_ me before, give me the ultimate mercy.

Let me _die_.

Free me from this prison.

I tear out the IV again, as I do every day. I don't want this fucking lifeline. I want death, can't you figure it out?

I can't run from your forced care, because you took my _leg_.

And I fear it's only a matter of time before you restrain my arms so that I can't remove that damn IV.

It doesn't matter. I've heard that heartache can kill a person.

And with my morbid past, I have enough to kill a homunculus. Death should come quick. After all, it's not like I can open my eyes to escape the terrors of my mind and return to the loving faces of those around me.

My prison isn't just physical limitations. Though that's probably what _you_ think.

I've had a lot of love and happiness in my life.

It's not enough to chase away the demons. They're carving at my soul just the way I'm carving at the IV.

Don't-no, get _off_ me! I swing wildly as I feel restraint, realizing that I've probably drawn blood at the IV site. _Good_.

I feel a new sort of pain, a tiny prick in my neck. It's gone as soon as it arrives, leaving behind a small pressure. My hand reaches up to it, but slides back down to my lap as I feel a sudden heaviness to my whole body.

She...she _drugged_ me.

All I can think of as I slip away from consciousness is reaching for the sun, consumed by darkness as Gluttony swallows me whole.

My entire world goes white, and I'm out.


	11. Chapter 11

To clarify- Ed _can_ feel pain. (And pressure!) Only if it's severe enough or deep enough to reach below the surface, as when he fell on the stairs on his tumble outside. A broken bone would be incredibly painful for him. He only felt the syringe deep under the muscle, as a teeny twinge.

* * *

><p>I slip in and out of awareness. Day after day.<p>

Maybe it's weeks. I don't have any sense of time now. They keep me drugged so often.

Probably because I give them _reason_ to.

Every stretch of consciousness I have, I sob uncontrollably, trying to find release from the torment in my mind… and to dehydrate myself. I tear out the IV once I've cried myself out of tears and vomit whatever is left in me. I feel the insufferably familiar prick, and the hellish whorl of black and white swallows me again.

Why won't they let me die? Can't they _see_ I can't live like this?

He hasn't come back.

I'm too broken.

I can't be loved like this.

My heartbreak at his loss only adds to the pain that has become my soul.

And with those damn drugs, it's hard to wake up from the nightmares and find false freedom.

A haze accompanies the ascent out of my drugged state. How long was I out? Hours, days?

I don't feel all too much weaker, I don't feel any atrophy. It hasn't been long since this began.

It's amazing how quickly a shattered spirit can spiral downward.

I make one last effort before they can bind my arms.

I have to be careful… they might hear what I'm doing. I just hope they're not watching me.

Pull at my left arm… yep, the IV is in again. Carefully, find that spot with your right hand. Come on Ed, save the helplessness until _after _the deed. Grab it, grab it. Close your hand and pull, see if you got it. _Tug, tug_.

Good job, Edward!

Go to hell.

You can still be an ass to yourself, that must be worth something.

Lift your hand… tug the IV out… good, now meet your hands and grasp the tube. _Tug, tug_. All secure.

Lift that glorious, damning tube. Wrap it around your neck, carefully…

It kept me alive, and now it's going to allow me to die.

I pull on both ends of the tube and feel my windpipe constrict. My breathing becomes labored, and I'm sure a sanity-deprived smile appears on my face.

As my mind becomes clouded and fuzzy, my arms slacken; I keep my grasp on the tube, but I can't breathe, and everything is so hazy. I just hope I don't release the tube before I slip away to permanent darkness.

I can _breathe_ again. What?!

Did I fail? Did I let go of the tube?

No.

As I feel the choking, gasping, coughing, gagging, and sudden vomiting, my arm is lifted from me again. I know the IV is reinserted, and my failure stings in my broken heart.

_Just let me die, will you?_

The familiar prick appears in my neck once my breathing is nearly normal, and I drift off to my hell once more.

* * *

><p>"Al, we can't let him <em>suffer<em> like this."

"He gave up _everything_ for me, Winry. He said he would give his _soul_ for me. You weren't there, you didn't hear him. But I was. And damned if I'm going to turn my back on him and let him give up. He _never_ gave up on me."

"This is hardly a life for him, Alphonse! He could never be truly happy again, and you know it. What he's being put through now is pure torture. Don't let him go through any more misery."

"I hope you're not talking about…"

"Yes, _Alphonse_, I am. Just… give him what he wants, okay?" Winry wiped her tears away the best she could, keeping her gaze away from the pale, depressed form of her childhood friend. "You have to let him go. Let him have peace."

"I can't… I just… I can't _give up_ on him, Winry. What if… if there's a way to restore him…" Al had been trying so hard, he really had, but the knot in his throat was unbearable and he couldn't stop the tears forever. "An even trade," he gasped, putting his arm to his eyes. "What if I trade myself-"

"_NO!_" Winry screamed, jumping to her feet. "Alphonse you will _not_ do that to your brother! He gave everything so that you could be _whole_ again, do you honestly think he would _allow_ a sacrifice like that?!"

"He's less than I was in the armor, he gave _everything_ for me, and all I can do is make this shadow of a life pure _hell_ for him! I owe him!"

"The only thing you owe him is your happiness and his. And you know what that means, Alphonse." She stood and left the room, sliding into the recliner with her catatonic friend. Her arm wrapped around his middle as she cried into his chest, weeping merciful tears for the loss of her best friend.

She knew he had left them days ago.


	12. Chapter 12

"Colonel Mustang, thank you for coming," Winry said quietly, inviting Roy in.

"Just Roy is fine, Winry." Noting the forced smile on her sad face, he frowned. "How is he?"

"He's… Roy, he can't _stay_ here. I know Al asked you before to take him. Please, he's only ever smiled when you're around. He can't-we can't do anything-please Roy, make him _happy_ again!" She broke into sobs, rushing forward to clutch at Roy's shirt. "He _deserves_ happiness…"

"All of you do," Roy replied comfortingly, pulling her into a firm hug. He released as she lifted her head, offering her a smile. "I'll see what I can do."

Winry led Roy into the living room, glancing back when he froze.

"What have you _done?_"

Edward was pale and motionless, the only sign of life being the rising and falling of his shallow breathing. He had allowed his head to freely hang forward, bangs obscuring the view of his face.

But what struck Roy hardest, angered him most, was the absence of Ed's automail leg.

"He kept trying to kill himself, Roy. We didn't know how to stop him, so we... He's sedated." Her voice was shaky and almost inaudible, but in the silence of the room, it was deafening.

"He was hardly even _depressed_ when I left, Winry. How did he become suicidal in a week?!"

She cringed at the anger in his voice, but didn't dare turn and run. "He can't stand living like this. Trapped inside his mind."

"He's not trapped. He's as free as he damn well wants to be. Until you took his _leg_ from him." Roy stepped forward, kneeling down to get a look at Ed's face.

Ed's dull golden eyes were half-lidded, set back in their hollowed sockets. They didn't contain even a shadow of the fierce determination they once held, and didn't twitch with each breath. The eyelids opened just a hair as Roy lifted Ed's chin, trying to elicit a reaction.

"He's... still sedated," Winry said quietly.

"Like hell he is. Look at him. He's awake. He just doesn't want to leave his mind."

Roy stood, taking Ed by the wrists and pulling upward. Receiving not even a resistant budge from the blonde, Roy tried again. This time, at least, he received a response as Ed pulled back, pressing his back against the chair.

"That's right, fight me, you little shrimp." Roy pulled harder, not giving Ed the chance to tear his wrists away. He dared not release his grip, even as Ed cried out in anguish.

"Just let me _die!_"

"Like hell I will!" With a rough yank, Roy steadied Ed on one foot, trying to fan the sparking fire in Ed's composure.

With a willing slackening of his leg, Ed went down-but Roy was quick to catch him, then throw him roughly into the recliner.

"Drop that pity, Edward! It doesn't suit you." Roy slapped Ed across the face, earning a raging growl.

"I said _let me d_-"

Roy silenced him with another forceful slap, grabbing him by the collar and lifting him up. Two weak hands met his arms, but didn't struggle against him.

"I don't want to hear that out of your mouth again, Edward, or so _help_ me..." Roy dropped Ed unceremoniously into the chair, stepping back as Ed lashed out with a growl.

"Who the hell are you?! Why do you keep _torturing_ me?! You already have my _leg!_"

"You heard him, Winry. Get his leg."

"But-"

"Now."

Winry hurriedly appeared with the automail leg, inching closer to her angry friend. She waited until Roy grabbed Ed's calf and gave it a good yank, sliding a protesting Ed nearly out of the chair.

"What-the hell are you doing?!"

"Put it on."

More rapidly than she had ever done in the past, Winry shoved the leg into the port and locked it into place, leaping back as he screamed in agony and lashed out futilely.

Within moments he was only a gasping heap, dangerously close to slipping out of the chair altogether.

"You have your leg back, Ed. Now get up." Roy grabbed Ed's hands, placing them on the automail and moving them, causing the calf to lift in effect.

Furrowing his brows, Ed repeated Roy's action before releasing his leg. Both heels contacted with the floor, jostling his body just enough-and he comically slid out of his chair, hitting the floor on his rear with confusion on his blushing face.

"Hey what-" He swiped out with his arm, but met only air. Still shaky and weak from the reattachment, he made his way slowly to his feet, testing the waters by taking a few steps. "Why did you give it back?"

"Because you asked for it, dummy." Roy reached out, offering a hand for support. Ed initially shied away from it, but after a moment's hesitation he accepted. "Who has me?"

"Promise not to punch me?" Roy chuckled, stepping forward to lean Ed's head back. He was rewarded with widening eyes, though he didn't expect the sudden pain in them as Ed tore himself away.

"_No_. You weren't here. You always leave," he gasped, crossing his arms over his chest as though it would heal the ache. "You always leave and then it gets so bad..."

"It won't happen again. I promise." Roy pulled Ed against him, holding the shaking blond comfortingly in his embrace.

"Please don't leave, I'm only happy when you're here..." Ed buried his face into Roy's chest, sniffling heavily. "I can't...I can't bear it without you..."

"You won't have to." Roy sighed, a shuddering sigh that even Ed could feel. "Winry...I'm taking him with me."

Winry hung her head slightly, hiding her eyes...but Roy didn't miss her smile. "I'll get his things ready."

"Thank you. And where is Alphonse?"

She stopped suddenly, glancing at the front door. "He went into town to pick up a shipment for me. He should be back any minute..."

"Very good. Thank you." Roy offered her a soft smile as she ran off to pack Ed's supplies. "Well Edward, are you ready to ride on a train?"

Roy's thoughtful musing was interrupted as the front door opened, revealing Alphonse carrying several large packages. He managed to juggle them quite well, considering their collective mass was proportionately larger than he was.

"Alphonse?" Roy cringed as his voice broke Al's concentration...and nearly broke Al's bones when he dropped the packages, burying himself under them. "Alphonse! Are you-"

"Fine," Al called weakly, climbing out from underneath the pile. "I'm sorry, I didn't expect you to be here..."

"Neither did I. Winry asked for me to come." Roy sighed, running his hand gently through Edward's hair. "Taking his _leg_ was hardly the answer, Alphonse."

Al took a breath to steady himself before answering. He _knew_ it wasn't the best decision, not even remotely the _right_ one, but he didn't know what else _to_ do.

"Neither was letting him run into something that could _kill_ him, sir. Do you realize how close we live to the creek?"

"So you strip him of the only thing he can use to escape his mind?!"

"I'm trying to keep him _safe_, Roy!"

"You're keeping him trapped in prison." Roy looked down at the top of Ed's head as the tears had slowed and turned to trembling. He squeezed Ed's shoulder, earning a hug around his middle. "I have already spoken with Winry about your offer. Edward is coming home with me today."

Al's breath caught in his throat as he received the news. He lowered his gaze to one of the packages, lifting it and setting it on the table.

"I have been... searching, for a possible answer. To help restore his senses. But I..." He sighed raggedly, turning back to Roy. "I'm not doing right by him here. I can't give him what he needs. I don't... He's my big brother, Roy. I'm not used to taking care of him, he always watched out for _me_, he shouldn't have to be like this because of me, he shouldn't be so _broken_ while I'm whole..."

Roy left Ed's side long enough to lead Alphonse to his brother. He positioned Al's arms around Ed, giving enough of a squeeze for Ed to feel the pressure in his ribs. Ed in turn wrapped his arms around Al's middle, the golden eyes of both men meeting for the first time in months.

"Brother... I'm so sorry." Al watched Ed's gaze as it jerkily glanced around in front of him. The sight blurred as his silent tears spilled out. "You paid so much, and I've only caused you pain..."

Roy stepped in, lifting Ed's hand away from Al's middle. He brought the hand up to Al's face, gently wiping away his tears with the thumb.

Ed furrowed his brows as his hand was released, holding it just inches from his brother's face. He reached forward with a frown, running the heel of his palm gently over Al's cheek.

"Crying? Are you crying?" His hand remained in place as Al nodded, receiving the signal of motion. "Why? Did I make you sad?" His hand nearly slipped off Al's face as he shook his head vehemently. "Oh... Well then don't cry! He's here now and I'm gonna be fine."

"You know I'm not Roy?" Al asked in surprise, gazing at Ed's concentrating eyes. He tested something, lifting Ed's head back by the chin-but only received a slap across the face.

"Hey! I'm no whore! Only _he_ can do that!" Ed pulled away from Al, crossing his arms indignantly. "And since you're probably wondering, I can tell because you're _shorter_ than he is."

"If he ever knew that he slapped his brother across the face," Roy said with a chuckle. "You'll come visit us in Central, won't you?"

Al nodded, leading Ed to Roy with a heavy heart. "Of course. I… um, thank you, Roy. I'm sorry that I couldn't-"

"No more apologies, Alphonse. They won't help anyone. Just keep on that research for your brother."

"Of-of course." Al went to work with the pile of packages, pulling out various supplies for Roy to pack. In short time, Al had gone over them-the IV and catheter, instructions on their use and caring for Ed, the blond patiently clinging to Roy the whole while. His eyes were focused as he tried to interpret what was going on around him.

"Okay, that's everything!" Winry called as she arrived in the kitchen. She stopped short when she spotted Al, relaxing once she noted that Al had been informed. Though she was worried, as he seemed to be taking this awfully well.

She hadn't seen him crying.

"Oh! Well, you've got it taken care of already." Winry smiled. "Now don't forget, change his-"

"Al informed me," Roy quickly reassured her, going a bit pink at the mere thought.

"And sterility is key!"

"Duly noted. Don't worry; I've changed wound dressings before. This won't be a problem."

"Good. Because he's not really fond of the whole process."

Roy stared at her in shock. "He can _feel_ that?!"

"Just before it gets to his bladder," Al admitted, carefully packing the supplies. "But without it… well, we're not always around when he has to _go_, and he's commented that the catheter is less embarrassing than accidents."

Roy stared at Ed, who was, thankfully, completely oblivious to their conversation. _First things first; I'm teaching you to find the bathroom._

"There's a lot more than just supervising him," Roy commented, watching as Winry wrote down the components to his IV bag. It was a startling list of vitamins, minerals and nutrients.

"If we could only get him to eat," Winry replied with a sigh. "That wasn't a good day…"

"What happened?"

"To sum it up?" Al frowned. "Choking, gasping, fighting, gag reflex, vomit."

"He hasn't let us try to give him solids or liquids since."

"The IV really is his lifeline."

"Unfortunately." Al managed to pack a month's worth of supplies, including clean clothing for Ed, into two suitcases. He set them on the table, seeming to sober in dawning realization. "...Thank you, Roy… for… giving him another chance."

"Of course, Alphonse." Roy handed the clothing suitcase to Ed, who nearly fell over at the sudden _weight_ placed into his arms. He hefted it into his arms with comical determination on his face. They all laughed as he stood there, only determination and wavering patience keeping him still.

"What the hell did you give me? It weighs a ton!"

"Your baggage, of course." Roy chuckled, taking the more sensitive-and liquid laden-of the two packages. Roy reoriented the suitcase so that Ed's hand was clutched securely around the handle, giving it a light shake to remind Ed to not let go. He took Ed's freed right hand into his own, smiling. "Well, I think we're ready."

"Right." Winry smiled, walking forward, hesitating just before she met Ed. He was eager and curious, but also a bit nervous. She slid her arms around his chest, squeezing him gently in a parting hug. He never pulled away, even when he received a second hug from Alphonse.

"Now don't let me find out you're abusing that leg," Winry sniffled, giving it a kick before sending a fist playfully to his chest. "Or I'll-"

"I'll take care of my automail, Winry," Ed said with a cheerful smile. "I promise."

Winry nearly knocked Ed over as she _tackled_ him in a crushing hug. She only released when he wheezed out a complaint about suffocation.

Alphonse was left unmentioned and alienated as Ed assumed that his mechanic was just there to see his re-attachment and subsequent departure. He simply shook his head with a smile when Ed tugged on Roy's arm eagerly.

"We'll see you both later," Al assured Roy, waving with Winry as Roy left with his brother. They stood on the balcony as the two walked confidently, hand in hand, toward the train station.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm excited.

But I'm also, admittedly, _terrified_.

It's not that I'm getting on a train for the first time in...well, how long _have_ I been sensory deprived? I don't even know the passage of time. It could have been months or years.

It's that I'm leaving… _home_. Moving.

I got to hug Winry today. She was there with my caretaker, to reinstall my automail. I've never been so happy for the pain.

I've never been so happy for her to _hit_ me.

Oh crap, I dropped it again. I tug on his arm, and he helps to put the handle back into my betraying hand. I think it's a suitcase...at least, that makes sense, considering we're leaving.

I wonder what color it is.

Focus, Ed, keep your grip on the suitcase.

See, I can feel changes in my bones, but my hands are tricky. I have to squeeze so hard that my bones almost _hurt_, or, as I once found out the hard way by _falling_ on them, bending the fingers back the wrong way. Luckily, I can keep a fist if I focus.

_Squeeze_.

Walking with him is peaceful. He's smart enough to direct me around obstacles before I trip over them, and within five minutes, he taught me to step higher when he tugged up on my arm as we walk. Of course, a few stumbles helped to drill that into me.

I don't feel a lick of embarrassment from being led around like this. It's not like I could do it myself. ...And stay out of trouble, that is.

I must have grinned at that thought, because he pulls my head back for a haphazard walking kiss. We both sway unevenly and I feel myself laugh as we break apart.

"Crazy."

His hand squeezes mine so hard that it hurts. Good.

We stop suddenly, and his hand leaves mine. I decide to be an adult and overcome my stupid reaction of panic, and simply shift my weight as I wait for him to return.

Stop fidgeting.

Well it's not like I can watch people to pass the time.

Oh! You're back!

I smile for him as he leads me again. I move my arm; good, I still have the suitcase!

Oh, maybe he was getting tickets.

I wonder where we're going?

Someplace old, someplace new?

We stop, and he takes the suitcase from me. I open my mouth to question him, I think; but he tilts my head _forward_ just enough to confuse me into silence.

I become a puppet as my arm is lifted, followed by my automail leg. There's a sudden pressure on my ribs, and I think he wants me to...climb?

_Oh_. We're getting on the train.

I wonder how many people are behind me, watching this crippled man try to climb onto the train.

Hell, I'm so blind, so _numb_.

I turn my head just enough to apologize to anybody who might be waiting behind me.

"Sorry for making you wait."

I feel pressure on my spine as he pushes on my back. Is he being reassuring, or is he trying to get me to move?

He wouldn't rush me, would he?

The word passes through my mind often. Almost daily.

_Burden_.

Somehow, it never feels accurate when he's around.

I feel another push on my back, and it hits me.

I haven't _moved_.

I've just been standing here, waging an internal war.

Shit, shit, _shit!_

I think I'm losing the war. I'm losing my grasp on reality. I duck my head, realizing _again_ that I have yet to move. _Crap!_

Those people around me, behind me-I bet they're staring. They must think I'm brain damaged. Oh, god, what must _he_ be telling them? Will he guard my dignity?

What dignity, Edward? You're _still_ standing in that same spot.

He pushes on my back again, harder this time.

Is he rushing me? Is he trying to shake me out of it?

I can feel their stares. I know they're watching as I start to break down.

I can't stop. I'm frozen in place, I can't _mo_ve, I feel like I'm suffocating even though my breathing has grown faster. My head is spinning, and I feel nauseated. He moves my other arm up to the doorway, but I tear it away and stumble backwards, slamming into a body. I can't even manage an apology as I try to get out of their way so that they can board. After only a few steps I hit my knees, suffering from a stupid damn full-on panic attack.

Godammit Ed get it under _control!_

You can't let people see you like this! You're the Hero of the People!

Who gives a fuck anymore? I'm just a shadow of what I once was.

No, you're making yourself out to be that, you wuss. Stop pitying yourself, you hated it when other people did it for you!

I... I... _dammit!_ I need reality. I need a grip on reality, I'm just stuck here on the ground, trying not to vomit from my overpowering thoughts.

When did I get so _weak?!_

This is hardly weak. For lasting so long like this?

Like what? Yeah, a shadow of myself.

_He_ loves you. _He_ still wants you. Now stop paying attention to yourself, he's trying to get your attention, dumb alchemist!

He's trying to lift my head up, to look at my face. I don't want him to see it yet. I don't know what expression I have, but I can still feel myself gasping for air for _no reason_ at all. I hold up my hand, hoping I'm giving him the 'uno-momento-por-favor' signal as I struggle to regain my breathing and silence my unruly thoughts.

His hand remains on my back, with just enough pressure for me to _feel_ it. To be my anchor to reality, to relative sanity.

As I'm coming out of it, I remember.

The reason we're _here_.

"Did we-miss the-the train?"

The pressure on my back disappears as my head is shaken to say _no_.

"They're not-holding it for us, are they?"

There's no response this time, and I know they are. _Shit_.

"Sorry," I manage, making an honest effort to stand-but I still need him. Luckily, my pride has already taken all of a beating it can, and I lean on him as much as I need to. I'm still shaking from the attack. I hope he isn't having second thoughts about taking in someone who is so _broken_.

We're moving again. He puts me in the same position as before to board the train; this time I step up inside with no hesitation and no faltering. I do try to take a step where there are no more and consequently faceplant into a wall, but hell, I made it into the train this time!

Are we going in a public car? Or did you get us private seating?

I could tell the difference. It depends on how the seats are oriented, and their width. See, I'm blind, but I've ridden on-and _fought_ on-enough trains to know these subtle differences.

Dumb thing to be confident about, but with how unsure my life has been since that transmutation, I'll take whatever I can get.

* * *

><p>Public car. <em>Whyyyy<em>.

Not that I want to be treated like royalty for our ride. Or hole up and leave you antisocial just because _I_ can't interact with other people.

I must be imagining it, because I still feel their stares on me.

Is it really just paranoia?

How does my hair look? I reach up and try to find it, but without feeling in my fingers, I can only make my hair worse as I grab and yank it.

He pulls my hands away. I hope that means he's fixing my hair.

"Do I-look okay?" I ask hesitantly, trying to sit up straight and proudly. Not that I had always done in the past, but...

My weight shifts as he pulls me against him. I lay my head on his shoulder, as always meeting him with too lacking of gentleness.

If I'm gentle, I can't _feel_ it.

His hand rolls up and down my back, flexing the vertebrae in my spine in an odd new feeling. But it _is_ soothing.

I can feel it, but I still miss the sensitivity of light touch. The shiver I would feel as his fingers floated across my tanned, scarred skin.

_Ooh_, I almost felt it.

At least I can imagine it.

His touch suddenly disappears. The seat below me moved just enough for my center of gravity to shift, and it takes me a moment to realize that he had gotten up. I stand to follow, despite him not taking my hand to lead me; I'm rewarded with a firm push on my shoulders, easing me back into my seat.

Where are you going?

"You're leaving?"

He nods my head.

I feel panic grip my heart like ice, making each breath painfully obvious.

"You're-leaving me on the train?" I try to voice my fear into a more suitable yes or no question...one to which I hope will yield a more desirable answer. "Are you coming back?"

Relief floods me as he nods my head again.

Why would you even _think_ that he would abandon you on a train?

After my stupid act earlier, he might be changing his mind about me.

Yes, but he wouldn't leave you _helpless_ on a train.

As had been the norm lately, my thoughts run rampant, driving forward and swerving around much like the train carrying me. I'm interrupted, though, by a weak and impatient tugging on my arm.

Does he want me to follow him? I start to stand, but the grasp releases immediately, leaving me confused. I can't follow without his guidance.

Moments after I flop back onto the seat, a series of pressures and weights assaults my legs. My upper body goes forward as someone pulls on my shirt.

Understandably defensive, I press myself against the train seat, gently pushing away with my arms. I don't think it's him.

My left thigh rises-someone is lifting my leg. _Hey, wait!_

What if they're trying to _take_ it?!

I lash out with my arm just after I kick upward, feeling both limbs connect roughly with the person in front of me. I'm trying to keep my fear from affecting my breathing, though I'm sure my eyes are wide.

The following stillness assures me that my attacker has gone, allowing me to exhale shakily with relief.

I just don't realize how quickly the peace will be shattered.

My body jolts forward, the hand on my collar halting my movement as suddenly as it began. My hands fly up to try and defend myself as the person gives me a rough shake, but they're not loosening their grip one bit.

"Let me go!" I gasp, sending my hand out to slam into their head. A strong grip stops it, but my collar slackens as well, leaving me shaking and frightened.

"He-hello?"

My arm is released just as a light thump hits my chest, telling me _he_ is there.

What _happened?_

* * *

><p>"<em>Hey!<em> Who you do think you _are?_"

"Colonel Roy Mustang, ma'am," Roy replied just as strongly, releasing the woman's arm just after calming Ed with a knock to the chest. "And I don't appreciate you assaulting my friend."

"Me assaulting _him?_ You didn't see him attack my daughter!"

Roy's gaze turned to the sniffling child who was dramatically holding her arm as though it was seriously injured. She couldn't be older than five.

"Perhaps you could both tell me _exactly_ what happened?"

"Why don't you let your _friend_ tell you?! He's the one who-"

"Ma'am he is deaf and blind and was merely defending himself against a perceived attack." Roy's words silenced her immediately, his glare averting her gaze from Ed as he sat there innocently.

Innocent was hardly a word Roy would use for Ed before the sacrifice.

"I-I just wanted to play with him," the girl sniffled, watching Ed sadly. "I asked him a coupl'a questions but he didn't answer me."

Roy knelt down next to the girl, reaching out to gently ruffle her hair. "Sorry about that. My friend Ed here can't hear or see anything."

She gasped in amazement. "His eyes and ears don't work?"

"No, but his mind does. Come on, would you like to say hello?"

"But he won't hear me."

Roy smiled and let her over to where Ed was still seated patiently, swaying his body gently to some unheard tune.

"What's your name?"

"I'm Ruby." She beamed up at Roy, revealing eyes as red as her namesake.

"A name as beautiful as the girl it belongs to." If there was one thing Roy knew how to do, it was flattery, and it earned him an adorable giggle.

"Okay, I'm going to put you in front of Ed and put his hands on the top of your head. He also has some trouble feeling things, so he might smack you on accident. If he hurts you, just let me know and I'll smack him too." Roy's wink made her giggle again as she nodded.

Mom watched cautiously as Roy positioned Ruby in front of Ed, doing exactly as he'd explained. He tapped Ruby's head gently with Ed's hands before pulling his own back.

Arms still held in place where gravity should have made them fall, Ed knew there was something in front of him. He ran his hands down her face, neck, shoulder; and as he ran his hands back up to her head, his focused eyes widened. He tore his arms back, staring directly at the girl in front of him.

"What-is this a _kid?_"

Surprising mother and daughter, Roy nodded Ed's head manually.

"Oh, oh no," he gasped. "I didn't-is that who I _hit?_"

There was a much slower nodding this time, Ed's head slipping out of Roy's grasp as he hung it in shame.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, I didn't-I thought you were trying to take my automail."

"I just wanted to see all of your cool leg," Ruby admitted. She climbed into Ed's lap, tapping his chest with a smile. Once she had his attention, she gave him a super awesome hug full of love. "I'm not hurt, honest."

Ed hesitantly reached for her, hand tapping her back. He wrapped his arms around her and smiled, apologizing again.

"Y-you give really nice hugs."

"Aww, thanks mister Ed!" Ruby squeezed harder before releasing, hopping off the smiling blond's lap to rejoin her mother.

Roy knew that Ed had enjoyed the company, so he decided to resume. He pulled Ed against him, holding the blond nearly in his lap as his arms wrapped around Ed's middle.

Making a small noise of protest from the initial shift in position, Ed quickly settled into Roy's embrace with a content sigh. His hands bumped around until they hit Roy's, and adorably, he held hands with him as he closed his eyes and relaxed.

* * *

><p>This white that I always see is deceptive. In darkness, at least, you can ignore what you see and write it off as imagination. But with the white, dreams and visions seem so real.<p>

In the past few weeks, there were a lot of demons in that white expanse. Homunculi, Kimblee, Tucker, even a crying chimera named Nina.

I wished so badly for darkness, but the only black I saw was the manifestation of my darkest nightmares.

I learned today, though, that hugs from a child are magical.

Because, as I lay here with him, I see butterflies fluttering around.

I haven't been so at peace in so, so long.

With his arms around me, the familiar motion of a train under me, and the innocent forgiveness of a child, I finally feel that I've found serenity.

I actually don't care that my senses are gone.

If only this moment could last forever...


	14. Chapter 14

All happiness has to eventually end. Without the bad, how could we enjoy the good?

But, _dammit_, why does that bad have to be in the form of a _headache?_

Did I hit my head while I slept?

From the way my spine is curved, I'm still in his arms, so that's not what happened.

I shift my weight ever so slightly, but slump immediately. I'm slept out, but holy hell, I feel _exhausted_.

He doesn't move. Maybe he hasn't awoken yet. That's all right… I'll just try to dissolve the headache with more rest.

_Crap_, I can't go back to sleep.

I _feel_ the groan in my throat, it's so loud.

My center of gravity shifts as he moves under me. Oh _dammit_, I woke him up!

My head pounds unforgivingly when he uprights me to escape the weight of my body. I don't want to move my head to lay back down, but I still feel too tired to sit up. I slowly lower myself down to the seat with a soft groan, feeling him press on my ribs in what I assume is concern.

"Head," I assure him, curling my arm around my skull. "Ache. Hurts."

The seat shifts weight underneath me again, telling me he's gone.

* * *

><p>"Is mister Ed sick?" In the seat ahead of them, Ruby had stood and peered down at Ed as he napped.<p>

Roy looked up from his take-along paperwork with a smile. "No, he just has a little headache. He'll feel better after his nap, I'm sure."

"Can't ya give him any medicine for it? Mommy says I can't have any 'cause I'm too little, but mister Ed doesn't look little."

_Of course I'm not little! I'm a grown man!_

Roy chuckled as he imagined Ed's outburst, despite the immediate wrenching of his heart that followed when he realized Ed may never have the chance to react like that again. He reached over to brush back the golden locks that had become moist with Ed's breath, frowning at the sight of Ed's knitted brows.

Maybe Ed _was_ sick?

Reluctantly noting that Ruby was still watching, Roy pulled back the waistline of Ed's loose pants just enough to check the urine bag. He had been warned about possible infection-

"Ewww, is that his _pee?_"

"Ruby," her mother hissed, thankfully paying attention to her daughter for once. "Sit down and leave those nice boys alone."

He mentally thanked her as he checked Ed over, noting only that the urine was darker than it should have been. But why? He tried to remember what could cause it.

Ed's soft moan reminded Roy of the headache. He reached into his traveling bag, pulling out a small bottle of aspirin. Surely, that wouldn't hurt him. But how to give it to Ed? If he can't feel anything in his mouth, how would he know to swallow?

He stared at the bottle as he tried to envision possible scenarios. They all ended with Ed choking or vomiting, and Roy wasn't keen on putting Ed through any pain or public embarrassment.

_Hell_, what to _do?_

"Are you gonna take those?" Ruby was back to being her nosy-well, curious-self. She pointed to the bottle. "You gotta take pills with water."

"I want to give one to Ed for his headache," Roy explained; "but he can't feel anything in his mouth, and… I don't know how to get him to swallow them."

"Oh." She frowned, bright red eyes focusing as her mind went to work immediately. It only took her minutes to come up with the answer that Roy didn't even think of. "Can't you teach him to drink water?"

"But he can't feel it in his-"

"Can you teach him how to use a straw?"

Roy's jaw hung agape as he realized how _obvious_ the solution was. If Ed could just suck through a straw, he could control how much liquid went into his mouth at once. It would prevent choking altogether… and give Ed that feeling of control that he'd been so devoid of lately.

"Wanna use my juice box?" Ruby handed Roy an unopened box of apple juice with her winning smile, giggling when he stared at it dumbfoundedly. "You hafta poke the straw in."

He followed the instructions of the five-year-old, hearing an amusingly satisfying little _pop_ as the straw broke through. He sheepishly asked her to hold it as he had forgotten to sit Ed up first.

Not that the blond was going to be agreeable about it.

Ed groaned and pushed Roy away as soon as he was moved, signaling to Roy that he actually was _not_ napping. He had been laying awake and in pain for several hours without even bothering Roy to find some sort of relief.

"Edward, you can be so stubborn sometimes," Roy sighed as he tried to upright Ed once more. He received no more resistance, save a whiny protest.

"Don't...move, my head… _owwww_."

Roy took the juice box from Ruby again, pausing as he wondered how to signal to the heavily-breathing Ed that he would have a straw in his mouth.

"Here comes the hard part…"

* * *

><p>Leave me <em>aloooone<em> my head is _killing_ me.

Why didn't the headache go away yet?

I haven't even been able to sleep.

Even though I feel exhausted.

I'm upright, are you happy now? _Ow. _Ow.

He tilts my head forward. _Ow_.

He hits my _throat_.

Surprisingly, _that_ doesn't affect my headache.

I slouch forward, but that doesn't seem to fit with his plans for me. As he pushes me back against the seat, I shamelessly release an exaggerated sigh, leaving my head slumped forward.

A pressure on the back of my head. What are you _doing? _I thought you wanted me to sit back. I begin to lean forward, but my next inhaled breath quickly turns to pure hell-

Choking, gagging, _inhale_ on accident and I can _feel_ the cool liquid as it spasms in my windpipe and I try to hack it back up without _vomiting_ all over the train car.

Did he _seriously_ just try to give me water?!

I resist the urge to backhand him, if only because I don't feel I have the energy. However, as he tilts my head forward once more, I _seriously_ reconsider it.

The pressure is on the back of my neck again, and despite the clouding of my mind from the headache made _worse_ by my coughing fit, I brace myself for this round.

I try to swallow rather than inhale, and though it's weird as hell to use muscles you can't _feel_, I experience a victory as a small amount of liquid travels toward my stomach rather than my lungs.

Though my head pounds harder from the simple motion, I lift my head in curiosity.

"Water?"

He nods my head. _Ow_.

But how am I drinking with my head tilted _forward?_

I'm sure the answer is obvious, but it's really not that easy to think with a painful thump in your head that you can't ignore because your head is all you _sense_.

Squirt?

Well I didn't sip it so he must have-

Straw.

Edward you're supposed to be a prodigy.

_Straw_.

I could hit myself for not realizing it sooner, but he would probably be alarmed at the gesture.

"Straw?"

I'm rewarded with a hug around the shoulders, compressing my bones considerably more than usual. Is he _proud_ of me for figuring out something so painfully obvious?

"More," I insist tenaciously, cupping my hands together for the container. It may have taken me longer than it _should_ have to figure out how they were feeding me, but dammit, I'm gonna show them I can _do_ it myself!

I feel my hands being raised toward my mouth. He must've put the-bottle? Cup? Container into my hands.

Praying that I don't look like a complete idiot, I open my mouth and, I'm sure, just about gag myself with the straw as I almost eat my own hand.

If I could just _feel_ crap.

Don't think about the other people, Ed. Just shut your mouth and take a swig.

I don't care if it's just him watching, I'll be embarrassed as hell if I missed the straw.

Seconds go by; a miracle is performed. By my own hands, by my own _mouth_, I take a gulp of the liquid. I pause only for a moment to take a shaky breath before returning to the drink with gusto-but empty it after only two more swallows, lowering it in disappointment.

"It's empty."

I relax with my hands in my lap, both proud of my achievement and sheepish that I have to be taught how to drink water.

I can't dwell on either feeling for too long because the pounding in my head hasn't improved. It earns a heavy sigh from me, a firm weight on my leg moments later.

"Headache," I remind him. "Pills?"

Maybe it's possible, now that I can drink again. Maybe I can find some _relief_ from this pain that has hounded me all day.

Then I could enjoy my victory.

* * *

><p>Roy was grinning like an idiot.<p>

Ed had made an important step forward, which Roy was so _proud_ of him for it.

Aware of Ed's continued pain, Roy fetched a glass of water, crushed the aspirin into the liquid, and stuck that wonderful straw into the glass. He had never thought much of straws, viewing them only as amusements for children; but with the advent of Ed's development, he couldn't be happier for their invention.

Keeping it level to avoid spillage, Roy aided Ed in drinking the full glass of water, chuckling when Ed sucked on air a few times before releasing the straw. Roy looked up at the sudden sound of clapping.

"Yaaaay mister Ed can drink water! And I helped!" She giggled madly, tugging her mother's arm to share the news. "Mommy look!"

"Ruby, you shouldn't-"

"Actually ma'am," Roy interrupted, removing the glass from Ed's hands before it could fall and shatter; "Your daughter has been a big help. Edward hasn't been able to drink anything in nearly a year. And now I might be able to take him off the..." He trailed off, eyes widening in horror.

They left at noon, walked under the hot Risembool sun for _miles_ to the train station. A panic attack before they boarded. Ed had fought fearfully once he was on the train and slept peacefully through the night, drooling as he dreamed.

Over twenty-four hours had passed since Ed left home and Roy had _forgotten to reinsert the IV the entire time_.

He felt nauseated. Ed was suffering because he forgot something so _vital_. No wonder Ed had such a pounding headache from _dehydration_, or that his urine production had decreased, Roy had been entrusted with the _life_ of the disabled blond and he forgot something so important it could cause death if neglected.

_I'm sorry Ed, holy hell I-_

He snatched the IV suitcase, tearing into it to get the IV drip he _should have_ been using since yesterday for Ed. It took only minutes to hook it up, though it would have gone faster if not for Roy's trembling hands; and with a moment of rigging on the seat next to Ed, gravity went to work to feed Ed the liquids and minerals he was so quickly losing.

"What was all of that?" Ed uttered, Roy painfully aware of the slight rasp of dryness to his voice despite the water and juice he'd had minutes earlier.

Roy tapped the IV site, watching Ed's eyes widen in realization. He cringed as he was _sure_ Ed was going to scold him for his mistake-

"It was out? All this time you forgot?" Ed's jaw dropped, but he shut it with a _clack_ of his teeth, frowning his disapproval. "Well I can drink now so why the hell did you put it back in?!" After fumbling to find it with his right hand, he tried to tear it out with a yank.

Roy's hands flew to Ed's, holding him by the wrists. "Not yet, Ed. It's been an entire day, we'll supplement-"

"Well if you _really_ want to leave it in," Ed muttered, leaning back. "But I want more water."

Already guilty from his supreme failure, Roy obediently provided Ed with more water. And more. He finally switched to juices, not wanting to upset electrolytic imbalances-but after he noticed Ed's belly pressing against his shirt, he cut the blond off.

"Hey! More!"

"You want more, hm?" Roy pressed on Ed's belly, earning a gasp and a painfully accurate punch to his cheek.

"_Hey!_ That hurt!" Ed purposefully scooted away from Roy, stopping once he bumped into the window.

"That's because you drank too much, idiot." Roy sighed as he gathered the few glasses for the stewardess as she made the rounds. He thanked her with a charming smile before sending her off, laying back in the seat with a sudden feeling of exhaustion.

He remembered feeling this way before, after a spat with Edward in his office. It was _dealing_ with such a high energy, stubborn kid.

He turned his gaze to Ed, who was careful of his bloated middle as he tried to place his feet on the back of the seat in front of them, inching his back down bit by bit. He chuckled as he watched the antic, mentally congratulating Ed when he succeeded, despite the position hampering his breathing considerably.

"Do you intend to stay like that?" Roy knew he wouldn't receive an answer, and his poke to Ed's ribs elicited no reaction. With a sigh and a sip from his requested glass of wine, he matched his pride to Ed's and slid down in the seat to mirror the cramped position, finding it considerably less comfortable-but, he didn't know martial arts _monkey_ style like those damn Elric kids. He wasn't nearly as flexible.

As he stayed in the position, his muscles relaxed enough to find comfort in the awkwardness. Reaching over and claiming Ed's hand in his, he allowed exhaustion to lull him into a nap as he noticed a content smile behind the the golden curtain of Ed's bangs.


	15. Chapter 15

I know I don't say it enough-but I really love everyone's reviews. ❤

And, yes, it has been almost a year since Ed's senses were taken. At the time of Roy's first visit, it had already been months-hence Ed's mental spiraling and muscular atrophy. If you have any other questions, don't be afraid to ask!

* * *

><p>He forgot to put me back on the IV drip for a whole <em>day<em>. I'm a little nervous; is this guy an airhead?

Might explain how he fell for someone who's disabled.

But Winry wouldn't ship me off with someone with a deficit in mental capacity, right?

At least I'm no longer dehydrated. All of the water he fed me yesterday cleared out the pounding in my head and the dizziness I had felt. The only downside was the aftereffects.

I hated. _Hated_ that trip to the bathroom.

But my bladder was filling every five damn minutes and no _way_ that little bag strapped to my leg was gonna hold it all!

My quick recovery and success with the straw didn't lessen my embarrassment one bit when he led me to the bathroom slowly, no doubt walking like an _idiot_ due to my tenderly-full bladder, to take care of my... _private_ needs.

He didn't take the catheter out. Thank goodness. I wouldn't trust the sterility of the train bathroom either.

He _did_ make me stand with my legs against the toilet, hand holding the tube through which I _urinated_, letting it drip as he emptied the bag.

There is no end to my humiliation.

"I don't want to wear this," I complain irritably, tempted to yank the damn thing out for good. Maybe I'm getting too bold for my condition. He gives me a glimpse of freedom, a few beautiful feathers; I try to rebuild my tattered wings.

I'll never fly again, I know it. And it hurts like hell.

I hang my head in defeat as I silently await the reattachment of the _bag_.

I'd rather have automail reattachment. It's painful as hell and a reminder of my handicap, but it's a far cry from the embarrassment of being an invalid who can't even take a _piss _unaided.

Lost in my thoughts, I don't even notice the shaking and gasping of my sobs until he lifts my head up. I tear away from his gaze, not wanting him to see the raw weakness I feel.

_Why_ do you love me?

I'm disabled. Completely fucking useless, unable to contribute to society or even to _you_.

So I learned how to drink out of a straw. You still have to fill the cup, stick that glorious straw into it, and place it in my unfeeling hands.

I'm still completely dependent on someone else for survival.

Do you _realize_ how I lived my life before now? I helped everyone else. I saved lives, saved towns. I saved the _country_.

Well, okay, I had help.

But I'm not used to relying on people so much, and to be unable to get around, unable to _survive_ without assistance... Yeah I know, I need to suck up my pride.

Maybe it won't always sting so badly. Maybe I'll adjust to being helpless, to being a sensoryless cripple.

He lifts my head up again, and I realize that I've stopped crying. Maybe my waning self-loathing stopped the tears.

The pressure on my neck as my breathing grows difficult. My spine as it curves backward, resistance likely in the form of a hand on my back.

Unless he's touching my ass again.

I briefly wonder if anybody is watching. Including that kid. The thought is forgotten as his kiss shifts my neck to the side and I'm reminded of his love for me despite my inabilities.

Wait. We're in the _bathroom_.

Of course nobody's watching us!

He's kissing me in the _bathroom!_

In the bathroom after he emptied my _piss_ out of a plastic _bag_ and he had me hold a dripping tube in front of a _toilet_-

I'm not schooled in romance or love or anything, but I don't think kisses in bathrooms are very endearing. Or hygienic.

Like hell if I'm going to voice my thoughts. I indulge him as he's chosen to do with me, leg bumping against the toilet as I lean against him and do my best to return the kiss.

I always thought I'd end up with Winry. I like her, despite her somewhat… sadistic? abusive? nature. She's really sweet and has caring, healing hands and enough love to change the world.

Instead I have _him_. When I fell from god's domain, she didn't heal my wings. She didn't show me that they were still _there_.

I wish I knew his name. I wish I could see his _face_.

My arms wrap around his back, the rush of emotion causing me to forget about where we are and why we're here.

I can't think beyond this moment.

Everything could end. He could find someone with beautiful wings and fly away.

Nothing is forever. So I hold onto what I have here and now, because the passage of time eludes me and I drift so easily in my white world of fluctuating hope.

_Don't ever leave_.

* * *

><p>We had one more night of blissful peace. One more night to feel the constant wonderful comfort of the train rails beneath me, one more night to sleep in his arms in the safety of his embrace.<p>

Shortly before we drifted off to sleep, I asked him a few yes or no questions, to which he answered as always my moving my head.

"The kid I hit earlier. Is it a boy?"

_No_.

"She's a girl?"

_Yes_.

"Did I hurt her at all?"

_No_.

"Does she know I'm sorry?"

_Yes_.

"I'm sorry, you probably want to go to sleep."

_Yes_.

I went silent, but a squeeze around my middle assured me that he didn't mind my questions.

I haven't asked him any new ones since then, as everything was self-explanatory. When we woke, I knew it was day. When he removed my IV, I knew we were nearly there.

When I slid off the seat after the strange forward pull of gravity, I knew the train had stopped.

I can't help but laugh as I make my way to my feet again, indignantly pushing away his hands as he tries to help. As soon as I'm standing, he shoves my suitcase into my chest, gladly acquiescing my desire for independence.

I proudly make it off the train without stumbling or hesitation, clutching the suitcase with one hand and his arm in the other. Or maybe he has _my_ arm. I have no idea.

I bump into things as we walk. They might be people. Is this place that crowded?

"Are we in a city?" I receive no answer, just more tugging and more accidental collision.

Stop

People, _stop_ running into me-

The next one knocks me off balance and I hit the ground, hand slipping away from _him_.

I let the suitcase out of my grasp as I hug myself, taking a minute to calm the sudden swelling of panic in my chest.

The stress was hitting me again, but it's just a goddamn _train station_, they're just people, it was just an _accident_-and again I found myself being tugged on by him as he tried to stand me up while I waged war with my own mind and forgot the outside world.

I manage to stand, forsaking the suitcase as I clutch his arm like a child holding onto his parent for dear life.

In public, Edward? Get a _grip!_

And not on his arm, either.

"Suitcase," I manage, releasing him tentatively. "I dropped-I dropped it."

He patiently returns it to my hand and leads me through the crowd again, this time at a slower pace and with less collision.

And I don't _panic_ again, either.

We suddenly stop, interrupting my thoughts. I wait patiently next to him, thankful for the little swing he gives my arm to remind me that he's still _there_.

One sense, man. Just give me _one_ sense.

I feel a sudden squeeze around my arms and shoulders, and I should realize that it's a hug but it's so unexpected and my stress levels are still jumpy-

I gasp and shove away, somehow managing to keep hold of the suitcase, though the hand he had led me by is slack. He's-where did he go?!

I back up in uncertainty, but my heel catches something and I go down. My head slams the solid ground, dazing me enough for the coherency of my thoughts to become questionable; but as I feel myself being lifted, I tear away in fear.

You're being unreasonable, Edward!

_Am_ I? You don't know if it's him or not! Someone could have attacked him!

And without your senses, you'd never know the difference.

_Shut up!_

I grab my head as I try to silence my warring thoughts, gasping as I lash out at another grabbing hand.

I try so hard to be rational. To separate the real from the imagined. But I have so little input to go on, everything I know about _outside_ is how I interpret it, and answers to questions that I can't even _hear_ myself asking.

Maybe he _is_ trying. I know I sure as hell am. Although I question my mental stability constantly, and moments like these really drill in the only truth in reality that I really _know_-that trapped in my mind, I'm slowly going mad.

I feel a sudden hit to my chest, and I know it's him. I just swipe out, yelling in rage as I scoot backward.

Why should I keep trying? What am I trying _for?_ Some sense of normality? Some hope for a happy life?

My life is hell. He gives me glimpses of the sky, but it's just a reminder that I'll never feel the sun again or see the smiling faces as they enjoy the weather.

Who was I ever trying to kid? I can't keep living like this.

I curl up and sob into my knees, once again breaking apart in front of him.

I don't

_Care_

I just want to be normal again.

That will never happen.

I just have to try to adjust...

If not for me, for him.

And Winry.

And Alphonse, wherever he is.

Holy hell, what if _Mustang_ saw me right now?

As strange is it may seem, that thought was sobering enough to bring me back from the brink. I lift my head up, wiping the tears that must be coating my face, and give a weak sniffle as I extend my hand for assistance.

I feel myself lifted rather easily, the hands releasing my arm and moving to tilt my head curiously. I make an effort to cast my eyes downward as I apologize.

"I'm sorry. I... There's so much that goes on that..I can only _guess_ at..."

He nods my head and pulls me into a gentle embrace, tearing away when I ask my next question.

"Do you hate that I'm so broken?"

He whips my head from side to side, as though appalled by the mere mention of it. I stumble as he pulls me once more into a hug, nearly squishing me under the pressure.

Is it really possible that when you look at me, you don't see the same thing I do? You don't question why I continue this struggle; you don't see me slowly losing control of the only thing I have left-my mind?

I don't want to keep suffering. I want to be happy, just like every other human on the planet.

It's something I've always had to fight for, all my life. Dad, mom, Alphonse. Now, _me_.

I've made amends to everyone else, every other part of my life. I wonder if I can make it through this...this _deprivation_ and come out sane.

Yet like everything else, I'm not alone. I still have friends, I still have support behind me.

Dammit, I'm going to try. I take a step forward with him, wondering what my facial expression had been telling him.

I wonder if he knows the _turmoil_ in my head for all the silence I offer.

He sits me down and bows my head, sliding me into somewhere. I don't fight, but notice a startling lack of room to move after he releases me.

I don't let it bother me, because he sits next to me and takes my hand comfortingly. I let myself relax...until I feel us moving again, though it's much more sudden than the train ride.

With his hand in mine, I can almost bear it. The sudden lurching forward, the sudden stopping; the turns both ways that would send me flying if not for the seat belt.

I'm not an _idiot_. I figured out that I'm in a car.

But where the hell did this person earn their _license?_

I curse as they slam the brakes for the millionth time, and rather than turn into a panicky idiot again, I release my stress in a more Edward Elric way.

"_Slow the fuck down!_"

The ride does indeed become smoother and slower, though there are still some sudden maneuvers and I wonder if this is the driver or the traffic outside.

We're traveling fairly far from the train station. This _must_ be a city.

I'm just about to ask when the car eases into a stop, the first really gradual one since we got in.

"Are we here?"

_Yes_.

"No more driving?"

_No_.

"Thank goodness. Either the traffic sucks ass or you really need to fire your driver."

Ooh, he has a driver. Is he _rich?_


	16. Chapter 16

_To shiva1_: Al won't forsake Ed's body yet, for the chance he finds a way to fix Ed..not to mention the soul would eventually be rejected from the armor.

Ed hasn't asked if he knows those around him, because he wouldn't know how to ask who they were without going through a long list of names which he can't hear himself asking and might get wrong anyways...

And Al? Poor, lonely Al. (That will be explained soon)

* * *

><p>Roy helped Ed out of the car, not surprised to find the blond on unsteady, shaky knees. That trip <em>had<em> been bumpy.

"I'm sorry, sir. Traffic was-"

"I know, Lieutenant. Thank you for slowing down, even if it _did_ cause us to nearly get rear-ended."

"The drivers are getting worse and worse, I'm afraid." Riza sighed as she locked the car, taking Edward's luggage and following the two men to Roy's front door.

She had witnessed Ed's arrival and, overcome with empathy for him and having _missed_ him for so long, given him a hug. She hadn't expected his reaction of fear as he tore away as though being attacked, or the resulting panic attack when Roy had tried to help him up repeatedly.

She knew there was more going on in Ed's mind than he voiced. He may not know it due to lack of feeling, but his facial expressions revealed quite a bit of the struggle in his mind. She only wished that he didn't have to suffer so much.

First he lost his mother, then his brother...and then his future.

She wouldn't lie; she felt an awful pang of sadness as Ed fought earlier, trying to regain control of his emotions and grasp on reality. It was hard to see such a strong person like Edward torn down and reduced to battling with his own mind as he tried to interpret the outside world.

"Where are we?" Ed's words caught Riza's attention once they were inside.

Roy shared the shortest kiss with Edward, tapping Ed's hands against his own chest. He was rewarded with a small noise of recognition.

"Oh. Your house?"

_Nod_.

"Is this where I'm going to stay?"

_Yes_.

"Do you have a job?"

_Yes_.

"Oh." Neither she nor Roy missed the disappointment on Ed's face. "So I'll be alone sometimes?"

_Yes_.

"But-but not today, right?"

_No_.

The relief was instantaneous. Ed's arms flew around Roy's middle as a soft smile graced his face.

"Sorry, I-I mean come on I'm allowed to be nervous, right? You-you have to get everything set up before you leave. And-and I promise I'll try to stay out of trouble when you do leave."

"Somehow, I don't think that's possible with you, but I appreciate the sentiment." Roy led Ed to the couch, sitting him down as he set up Ed's IV drip with a weary sigh.

"How will you leave him alone all day while you work? He's going to need you for more than just changing the bag on his IV."

"He's not even going to need me for that." Roy chuckled as Ed's free hand searched the side of the couch for a lever. "This isn't a recliner, Ed." After placing Ed's hand back into his lap, he turned to Riza. "I need the rest of the week off with him."

"To do what? Teach him to live on his own?"

"Exactly."

"When you told me this from the phone on the train, I thought you were joking. Just being optimistic. Sir, he _can't_ do that for himself. He has no senses to tell him what's going on around him, or where he is." Riza watched Ed as he patiently sat there, golden eyes darting around out of habit. "And you've seen how he reacts when he's stressed. How do you think he'll react when he can't find his way around the house? When he can't figure out what you want him to do? And if you do manage to teach him to do something for himself and he fails to do it while you're away, he'll only injure himself or sink into a panic attack that _you_ won't be there to snap him out of."

"Don't forget about his determination, Hawkeye. Don't forget _who_ Edward is. The more he learns, the more confidence and control he'll have and the less incidents of stress will affect him."

"I know Edward is strong-willed and stubborn, but that can make his struggles seem more difficult in his mind. It could also be harder on him when he suffers a setback. I have faith in him, but... I do think he needs someone with him all day."

"And for the first week, that person will be me. Please file for my absence, Lieutenant."

Riza sighed, nodding in defeat. "Of course, sir. Is there anything else I can do to help?"

"At the moment, no." He offered her a sad smile. "Thank you for your help, Riza. I really appreciate it."

"Of course." Though Ed couldn't feel it, she pressed a kiss to his forehead. "If you need anything at all."

"Of course."

Once Riza had gone, Roy flopped onto the seat next to Ed. He could tell Ed had felt the seat move, because he turned his head and reached out tentatively.

"Hello?"

Roy compliantly took Ed's hand in his own, pulling it-and Ed-into his lap. Though Ed stiffened at the motion, he relaxed when Roy's arms squeezed Ed's middle.

"This week is not going to be easy…"

* * *

><p>He laid with me for a while. I wonder if it was night? I assumed he was asleep, because he didn't move and I drifted off with the comfort of his every breath causing me to rise and fall faintly against his chest.<p>

Huh? What-

I just got to sleep, didn't I?

He sits me up and rests me against the back of the couch before leaving. Where there was the constancy of his presence and the warmth of being in his arms, I'm faced again with the stillness and loneliness that has been my life for so long.

I don't let it bother me, though. I simply wait for him to return with a smile.

I feel the IV is in. Good, maybe the train incident was just a one-time slip. I wonder if I should chastise him for it later.

That wouldn't push him away, would it?

I don't really know if he would take it in jest. I don't know who he is, I don't know what he would take offense to. He may have an immense amount of patience, but…

Best I just keep quiet. Unless he _hits my chest again like he just did!_

"_Hey!_" I swing out, but the hand is snatched, as well as my other one. He pulls me to my feet by them, rapidly enough that I stumble forward into his arms. He lifts my chin for a kiss, but I indignantly yank my face away before he has the chance. "Why did you wake me? It's not night?"

He shakes my head _no_ and leads me, slowly and carefully. When we stop, he takes my free hand and smacks it against something hard, flat and vertical.

A wall? Okay, nice, I'm sure it's pretty, but…

He releases my free hand and just waits with me. I stand there expectantly, but he makes no more move to walk, instead releasing my _leading_ hand and disappearing from my radar.

Okay okay calm down Ed just because this isn't your _old_ room doesn't mean you're _lost_ you're in his house now-

I tap the wall as he'd made me do moments ago, finding the smallest amount of bearing, of guidance from it. Registering that he'd been on my left side, I begin walking toward him, tapping the wall every step to make sure I still have it for support.

"Did you leave?" I ask as I find nothing but the wall and empty air in my path. I take another step and bump into something solid, sure a grin is on my face as I reach out.

But it's flat. It's solid, unmoving, shapeless, and _flat_.

It's not him. It's just a perpendicular wall.

_Dammit_.

Reluctantly, I turn to the left and follow _this_ wall, wondering if this is how all blind people navigate. Flailing like idiots, using one hand to guide and one to search.

No, really, where _is_ he?

"Okay I get it, your house is spacious. Now where are _you?_" In my next step, the wall disappears, leaving just air that I nearly stumble into when my balance falters.

Somehow managing to catch myself, I feel behind me-the wall is still there, yep-and take a leap of faith, exploring slowly into this new place.

I hope I'm not going outside.

I hope he's there if something goes wrong.

If I _panic_.

Just don't panic, dammit!

_Bump_.

I fall forward, but my arms catch me from hitting the-well, whatever tripped me. What is it? I try to figure it out by feeling it out with my awkward smacking motions. I'm sure as the sky is blue that there's an expression of annoyance on my face as I struggle to identify this… this _thing_ in front of me.

It feels kind of like a chair. Yeah, it must be a chair. Is it a recliner, like my old one?

I turn and sit down on it, reaching down to feel for a lever. Before I'm able to find one, I feel a sudden rush of gravity yanking me down, an uncomfortable pressure around my sides and my thighs when I stop. I try to jump up-out-of _whatever_ this is-but I'm stuck and I can only move my arms.

"What the _hell?!_" I try again to escape, but the pressure only grows into pain as I sink further into this-this _trap_ of a chair. "_Hey!_ Get me the hell _out_ of this! It's not _funny_ to play prank the blind guy!"

I struggle again but this thing is like _quicksand_ and I only further trap myself. Help only arrives once I cry out in frustration, in the form of two strong hands trying to lift me bridal-style out of the trap-chair.

I grab onto his shirt once I find it, cursing as it seems to take him _forever_ to wiggle me out of there. He immediately sets me on my feet, despite how wobbly I am from being so shaken up.

Not giving me a moment of reprieve, he turns me to face the chair, gently bumps my legs against it, and then guides my hands to...drop my _pants? _What the-

No, no, oh god tell me I _didn't_-

"Did I fall into the _TOILET?!_"


	17. Chapter 17

I updated Ch. 1 with a warning that this story does contain RoyEd. I'm sorry if it offended anyone that I didn't have it labeled. To those who still read but aren't RoyEd fans, you may be happy to know that the extent of their relationship is kisses and snuggles and companionship.  
><em>To MantaCat<em>: I laughed. XD  
><em>To all<em>: Thanks for the reviews, guys! Even the critical ones, as they help to develop the story and remind me to clarify things that I may have missed.

* * *

><p>Roy couldn't help himself.<p>

He tried, really he did, to hold in his laughter when Ed looked for the _reclining lever_ for the _toilet_-but when Ed's ass slipped into the bowl and he somehow fit enough to get _stuck_-he lost it.

Maybe it was wrong to laugh hysterically when a disabled man fell into a toilet. But watching _Edward Elric fall into a toilet and get stuck_-

Roy wished he'd had his camera ready.

It wasn't easy for him to weasel Ed out of the confines of the seat through his laughter; how Ed even _fit_ in there was beyond Roy. Though by the time he repositioned Ed, it had diminished to chuckling and snickers; it disappeared altogether at the shock on Ed's face when he hollered in realization.

"Did I fall into the _TOILET?!_"

The pure shock and horror and _embarrassment_ on Ed's face made Roy feel for him. He almost didn't nod Ed's head, but Ed had to realize _where _the toilet was-

"Why didn't you _tell_ me where I was before I could do that?!" He cried in frustration as he tried to back away from the toilet, hindered by the pants around his ankles-but Roy was quick to catch him as he fell.

"Let-let me go, dammit! This-you _planned_ that didn't you?!"

Roy shook Ed's head after returning him to his feet in front of the toilet. His reward was a backhand to the face.

"Bullshit! If you didn't then you wouldn't have let me fall in! You _enjoyed_ it, I bet you were _laughing!_"

How could Roy have forgotten how stubborn and obstinate Ed could be? He bumped Ed against the bowl again, trying to tell him to focus on _that_. Yet as Ed tried to protest about changing the subject, Roy simply replied by placing Ed's hands in front of him as if aiming-

"-And you must be the _biggest_ idiot ever! Why would you have me even _try_ to aim, I can't _see_ anything, do you _want_ your walls as yellow as my hair?!"

"You would rather sit down to urinate?" Roy obliged Ed, turning him and seating him, unsurprised when Ed shot up-and slammed skull into chin, leaving Roy nursing his jaw.

"Are you gonna put me back _in_ the toilet?!" Ed snapped, hand flying to his head in surprise. "What did I hit? Geez I almost got a headache from that, did you hit me?!"

Roy chose to ignore Ed's comments as he rubbed tenderly at his chin. Careful to keep Ed seated this time, he lowered Ed onto the toilet.

"H-hey! I don't _want _to-" Ed was silenced as Roy gave a tug on the catheter. He gasped and tried to smack away Roy's hand, but it was already gone. "Don't-are-are you gonna take it out?"

"Only if you learn where the toilet is," Roy replied as he smacked Ed's hands against the appliance. "You got that, Edward?"

"Well I can't _go_ with the catheter in!" Ed snapped indignantly, seeming to get the message once Roy stood him up, replaced his pants and led him out along the wall. "Wait, are you trying to teach me the path?"

_Nod_.

"_Ohhhhh_." Ed smacked the wall with haughty huff of determination, showing no more embarrassment from the action. He proudly made it back to the couch where Roy sat him down-only to stand him back up again.

"Wait, are we going to the bathroom again?"

_Yes_.

"You're not gonna lead me this time, are you."

_No_.

Even with his arms held out and mild course correction, Ed still managed to smack his face into the wall. On reflex he comically whacked it, chastising both himself and the inanimate entity for meeting.

Ed couldn't hear Roy's chuckling.

After a good half hour, Ed made his way to the bathroom door and inside, finding the toilet-and was _extra_ careful to spread his legs for assurance that he wouldn't slip in.

"See? That wasn't-"

"You can take it out now!" Ed ordered indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Not yet. It took you a half hour to find the toilet, and don't think I didn't see the uncertainty on your face." Roy stood Ed to send him back to the couch, _unaided_. "Until you have the route memorized and can reach the toilet _before _you piss yourself, it stays in."

Ed seemed to realize this when Roy gave him an encouraging push, sending him back out to the couch. With a grumble, he smacked at the wall again as he made his way back to the couch.

Walk, corner, turn, walk, slower, turn, miss couch, take too many steps, pause, course-correct, hit wall.

"_Dammit!_" Ed crossed his arms as he stood once again at the wall, trying to figure out how to-oh, yeah. He walked _back_ to the corner, turning to retrace his steps and try to find the couch.

After doing this twice, he finally succeeded and flopped onto it with a weary groan. He tried to push Roy away when he was being tugged on, protesting that he was _done_ for the day.

"Hardly. You're not done until you have it down pat."

"Come onnnn let me rest, this is easy for _you_, you don't get lost in your own house!" Regardless, Roy had Ed back to his feet and facing the wall after a few more struggling yanks around Ed's ribs. "Okay _fine_ I'll do it _again!_ If it makes you happy," Ed muttered, pushing forward with renewed vigor.

Roy sat on the couch to supervise, watching as Ed flawlessly made it to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and back to the couch without incident. "I'm impressed. But you're still too slow." Standing, he rewarded the returning blond with a kiss… before turning him around and sending him right back to the route.

"Agaaain?" Ed whined, trotting off dejectedly. "Slave driver."

* * *

><p>He sent me back and forth from the toilet to the couch over and <em>over<em> so many times that I lost count.

I lost count because I was counting my steps.

From the corner to the spot in the wall where I turned toward the couch, that was the trickiest part of the whole trip-I would get lost back to the couch so easily it's not funny.

After ten or however the hell many trips I took, I didn't even need to count to find my way. It became almost reflex for me to stop and turn, giving the wall just one smack to ensure I was still _next_ to it, before I found my way back to the couch, spun on my heel, and dropped into it with a shit-faced grin.

At least, that's what I _hope_ he saw.

"Okay I think we've got it covered can you take this thing _out_ now?" I lean back into the couch and await an answer, but after several stretching minutes, receive none. "Are you even there?"

Not trying to be rough, I reach out to feel for him the only way I know how-and I'm pretty sure it's his face that my hand collides with. Oops. Well I'm not gonna apologize for my handicap!

"Hey. Are you asleep?"

New motion-he nods my head, then shakes it no. Either you _are_ or you... _oh_. I woke him up.

With a hand to the face.

I'd be tempted to laugh if I weren't nervous of his reaction.

"I have the path memorized, can we take it _out_ already?" As an afterthought, I add the word _please._

He simply pulls me into his lap, wraps his arms around me, and remains still. I can feel his breathing under me steady and level out.

Maybe it's night, now.

Well this thing is _sure_ as hell coming out tomorrow!

* * *

><p>He left me before I awoke.<p>

It's weird, I could _feel_ his absence, without being able to actually _not_ find him when feeling around.

They say when you lose a sense, your other senses grow stronger.

Well, maybe all I have left is that fabled sixth sense.

And it tells me that he's already gone!

He left me alone.

Well I know my way to the bathroom now, and I know what the hell I want out of my day.

I'm up and moving in a flash, stop in the bathroom, and put myself through the rather unpleasant sensation of yanking-wait, maybe I shouldn't _yank_, I might break it. Okay, _slowly_ pull out the oh god that doesn't make it _any less unpleasant I hate catheters godammit_ okay it's out. I shiver as I let it drop to the floor, pressing a hand to the area of my bladder.

That was so unpleasant that I can't even describe it. Even _without_ the ability to feel it in, thank _goodness_, the urethra-dammit that would be downright torturous!

With a few well-aimed smacks, I find the bathroom tub and slip into it, realizing that I haven't had anything more than a sponge bath in… well, I guess I won't know how long. Though it wouldn't do much good to turn the water on, because I could well and drown myself without supervision.

I sigh at the pure absurdity of the situation.

I'm worse than a baby.

Flood the tub, I drown.

I might end up scalding my skin first.

I slide down slowly, allowing myself to lay in the dry tub. I try to imagine it if I had my senses.

It would still be quiet, and peaceful. Bathrooms usually are.

Pristine white walls and tile. Gleaming silver hardware.

A plush lavender bath mat.

Water so warm that it steams the bathroom and condenses on the walls and ceiling, making a perfect sauna.

The smell of soap piercing through the illusion of dirt and grime and the stresses of the day…

My shaking awakens me from the blissful dream.

I'm crying again.

I've had fantasies like this since the transmutation. Like a double-edged sword, they've reminded me of the senses I lost and made it harder for me to remain sane...but they've also given me fragments of lost hope to cling to.

But none have ever felt so _real_.

Maybe it's because I'm in a tub, and not that prison of a recliner.

Maybe it's being with _him_.

It was such a beautiful vision.

I wish it were real.

I wipe the tears from my eyes, though I can feel them neither on my cheeks or my arm.

Well, the tub _was_ dry.


	18. Chapter 18

His next priority seems to be the kitchen. It makes sense, because that's where he would keep food, right?

But how does he expect me to _eat_ if I can't discern texture or even solid from liquid?

Unless...he puts me on a liquid diet and has me drink everything.

While a bit embarrassing, it _would_ be a welcome alternative to the IV.

I voice my idea, he nods my head.

I wonder if he thought of it first.

Don't care, he can't prove it, I'm totally taking credit for that.

"But if you add milk I'll throttle you! I hate milk, I'll know!"

He just turned me to face me out of the kitchen. I guess he wants to teach me the route before the kitchen layout.

I bet he laughed at my milk comment!

Focus, Ed. Get back to the couch.

"Can we get a reclining couch later? Those exist right?"

No response, so that's a hopeful maybe.

I start on my way back to the couch, confident that I'm regaining a _bit_ of freedom, despite how trapped I'll always be inside this lacking body.

I've started filling the white void with happy things. An image of Winry. A picture of myself on the train.

A floor plan of his house. So I'll never get lost. I bet I could blow his mind and draw this place out onto paper. Once I learn the whole layout...

I still wish I could add _him_ to the void.

I have no idea who he is, so I imagine a face for him. It's kind and caring and maybe a bit too feminine.

It's still not easy to think of myself as _gay_. I've never really identified openly as homosexual or heterosexual, but I'll admit, when he actually did identify as male, I questioned my own sexuality. I think I'm still on the fence about it, honestly.

As long as he doesn't try anything really perverted-

Is that even legal? I mean, yeah, I'm of age, but I can't feel it and could that be considered abuse when you do it to a handicapped person?

Maybe it only counts for the _mentally_ disabled. Although some days, I think I count in that category. _Haha_.

I hope that he would ask before he tried anything invasive. I don't know how he would ask me, and I would deny it despite the gender, but...

It's all wrong. The intimacy wouldn't be there, not really. I need to _know_ him first, but how can that ever happen?

I hope what we already have is enough for him.

Whups, lost my course. Where _is_ that couch?

I stumble and fall. I know it's not from my bearing. It's my train of thought.

He picks me up because I make no move to stand. Because I'm struggling not to cry.

It's not from the fall, I want to tell him. It's because I'm broken as a person and as a lover and can't be what he deserves.

I don't say that. I don't say anything. I just suck it up and try to find the couch.

I wonder if he can sense something's wrong, because he stops me with a hug. That's when I lose it. I break down and cry into his arms, releasing the stresses of yesterday and today and uncertainty and he must think something's really wrong because I'm not _stopping_ and I'm shaking so badly I can barely stand but I _need_ this-

He knows. He holds me comfortingly, holds my head against his chest.

I rely on him so much now. Not just for survival, but for sanity.

I hate that I'm so dependent. But I love his support.

I apologize. I try to say what for, but there's too much and yet none of it feels right to admit to him, because he's so willing, and all the words mix together and jumble and I _know_ the coherence is gone.

He only shakes my head and pulls me into a kiss, despite the fact I'm still blubbering like an idiot and my face is likely a mess.

I think he's more in love than I am, holy hell.

I finally sniffle and thank him, offering a smile. I feel like a weight is gone from my heart. Good thing he's taking care of it.

Really Ed, that's so _cheesy_.

Oh shut up, I reply to my own mind with a laugh. He releases me and I glide away as though I've been living here all my life.

I'm going to memorize this house and never get lost again.

I know I'm capable of that much.

He has faith in me.

I fall into the couch as I misjudge my steps, but just laugh goofily.

_Found it!_

* * *

><p>The rest of the week flies by in a metaphorical blur. I've got the most important routes memorized. Couch, kitchen, fridge, bathroom, office, front door.<p>

He taught me where the stairwell is, so I can keep away from it.

Don't want the baby falling down the stairs, do we? I don't mind avoiding them, because it probably _would_ happen.

He showed me where the front door is, so that I don't accidentally get myself stuck outside.

I appreciate how thorough he is in recognizing the pitfalls of my disability. Though I haven't been focusing on them, as it's taken all of my concentration and time to ingrain the floor plan into memory.

The house really _is_ spacious.

He gives a tug of my hand before disappearing, and I recognize the direction. Did he hear my stomach rumble? I grin and trot after him into the kitchen, honing right in on the magical source of food.

Locating the fridge, I smack my hand against it to make sure I have the right appliance. Yep, flat, tall; okay place your hands on the side and pull forward-my fingers catch in the door and I feel light resistance before the door pulls open.

Ta-da!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Fullmetal Alchemist, opening a refrigerator!

I snort in laughter as I reach inside with both hands, withdrawing them once I feel a weight nested in them.

He made me special cups, I think. Or bought them. They're anti-spill, like toddler cups. And their lid must be a special design, because I never miss when I lower my mouth onto them to suck like it's a straw.

I empty one easily, satisfied and content with the cool liquid running down my throat and resting in my stomach. It gives me a mild chill but it's a welcome feeling.

I think I miss the sink again as I 'put my cup away'. I usually do. He probably thinks I'm a slob, haha. That I used to keep house like this.

Well, Alphonse usually _did_ pick up after me.

I feel a pang in my heart at the thought of my little brother.

I _still_ don't know if he's all right.

I could ask. If _he_ has contact with Winry, he would know.

But… what if something happened at the Gate? What if Alphonse didn't make it back?

What if all of my suffering has been for nothing?

I want to know. But I'm terrified of the answer.

So I don't ask. I cling to what hope I have.

Because if Al hadn't made it… it would be worse than all my suffering so far.

I don't think even _he_ could snap me out of it.

I'd be so broken that nobody could fix me.

So I allow the ache to rest in my heart, because _he_ is taking care of it and keeping me going.

Maybe one day, I'll find the courage to ask.

For now, though, I accompany him to the kitchen table as he has his breakfast, mine growing warmer by the minute inside me.

It's silly moments like these that keep my hopes up.

As we sit, I break the silence by blabbing about some of the random thoughts in my head. I must sound like an idiot, because they're chaotic and unorganized, but isn't that the mark of a genius's mind? That or a mental patient, ha!

He seems to like them though, because he doesn't shut me up with a kiss, only moves my hand periodically to let me know he's listening.

He must be finished eating, because he finally silences me with a kiss before disappearing. I lean back in the chair to relax, but he's back much sooner than usual to lead me somewhere.

Ooh, where are we going now? Somewhere new?

Familiarity strikes me as we walk, and we stop at the front door. He lets me explore the foyer area to confirm my suspicions, and I grin.

"Are we going out?"

_No_.

"Oh. Well I know where this is already, I know not to go out the door."

He shakes my head again, imminent confusion slowly giving way to dread. He wouldn't…

He has a _job_, Edward. He can't stay with you forever.

But, but I, I haven't been _alone_ in-in so long! I _can't_ be alone!

Bullshit, he taught you everything you need to know.

"Are you leaving?" I feel my lungs wheeze as I ask, and realize it must've been a pathetic gasp of a question. A _panicky_ question. He nods my head, and I try to clarify. "Job?" Another nod. "Y-you are coming back right?"

There's a vigorous nod this time, and a crushing hug as he tries to will away my shaking that I hadn't even noticed until now.

Come on, Ed. You'll be fine. He has faith in you.

He pulls away, and I grasp for just a little more time, like a child.

"Kiss," I gasp, knowing I've never sounded so desperate for one before. I grasp at his shirt as tightly as I can when he obliges me, only pulling away when I choke on a sob.

God_dammit_ Edward, get a hold of yourself! He's not leaving you _forever!_

I turn my head away from him in shame and release his shirt, taking a step back.

"I'll-I'll be waiting for you." I will the dumb tears away and offer him a smile. Have I ever sounded so cheesy, so sappy? "I can find everything now."

He responds by placing my hands on the door handle, allowing me to feel it as he closes it from the other side.

I know he's gone.

He'll be back.

That doesn't mean I'm okay with it.

I slide down against the door, curling into myself like I had done many times before, at my _old_ home.

But I'm not breaking down.

I'm not withdrawing inside.

I just need a few minutes.

I'll be just fine.

* * *

><p>Roy rubbed the bridge of his nose as he thought of the blond man waiting for him, alone at home. He wished he could bring Ed with him and keep him under close watch, but he knew Ed would be more safe in a place that was familiar to him. Not to mention, he wanted to keep the public's nose out of Ed's business...and their <em>relationship<em>.

Roy wondered how Ed viewed their relationship. Was it just physical contact to him? Was it a sense of being wanted? After all, how could he truly love a man he didn't even know?

Well, Ed _did_ know Roy. And that, perhaps, scared Roy the most. The two had a bit of a rocky past and Roy doubted that Ed would ever love him if he knew the truth.

Roy lifted his phone off the receiver before setting it back down. Force of habit. It's not like Ed would hear the ringing.

How lonely Ed's world must be.

Yet, Roy was preying on that.

Taking advantage of Ed's disability for his own desires, rewarding Ed's unwavering, undeserved trust with kisses and hugs from a stranger.

Alphonse had expressed his disapproval already, and Roy was sure that Riza held the same views.

He had to tell Ed somehow. Even if it would shatter the trust and sever the relationship. He only hoped what they had now and in the past was enough to carry them together into the future.

But how could he communicate himself to Ed? Name himself, explain his intentions?

Yes and no were easy. Roy was used to Ed asking the questions.

Yet Ed still hadn't asked who he shared his hugs and kisses with. Did he have similar fears? Or did he just not know how he would receive an answer?

Roy gazed at the veritable mountain of paperwork in front of him, wary of the 'homework' that he had forsaken this past week to focus on Ed.

He had to figure out a way to tell Ed.

Even if it broke both of their hearts.


	19. Chapter 19

Roy's arrival home was met with a sudden crashing sound. Racing to the kitchen, he found Ed laying on the floor amidst sudsy water from an overflowing sink containing about five of his 'meal' cups.

"_Edward_...should I ask?"

Walking forward, he took Ed by the hands to help him up-but was rewarded with a well-placed kick to the stomach that dropped him onto his ass.

"Ed!"

"Who-who's there?!" Ed gasped, golden eyes wide as he sat in the wet mess, arms poised to fight back.

"It's only me," Roy replied to deaf ears, tilting Ed's head back to offer him a kiss. He watched golden eyes widen in recognition, but Ed tore away before Roy could meet him in that kiss.

"I'm-I'm sorry, I just wanted to do something for you because you do so much for me." Ed patted the floor, unable to hear the splat of his hand in the soapy water. "I-I think I just made you a mess though."

"Thank you." Roy helped Ed to his feet, standing him at the sink as he turned the water off. He slipped Ed's hands into the water, pressing a hand on his back to encourage him. "Well, go ahe-"

"You want me to try? Really?" Furrowing his brows, Ed proceeded to take an extensively long time to wash the cups after Roy opened them, completely missing the water when he tried to rinse them clean.

"For someone with no senses, you do that pretty well. I can imagine how unstoppable you'd be with just one sense." Roy chuckled, reaching over Ed to rinse the cups properly.

Ed simply continued his task, accurately stopping after the fifth cup. "I'm done right? I only drank five today."

"Only, he says," Roy muttered. "It's supposed to be three a day, Ed." Roy rinsed the last one off quickly and nodded Ed's head, taking quick inventory of the blond-sopping wet, foamy bubbles attached stubbornly to his arms.

"So how-how was work?" Ed asked awkwardly, despite his inability to receive a proper answer. In response, Roy left the sink mess for later, leading him toward the bathroom as he was already half-bathed.

"Where are we…" Ed trailed off as his intelligent mind pieced together the route, though the confusion never left his face. "But I don't have to _go_. Why are we going to the bathroom?"

"You're already soaped up, now we have to clean you off." Roy tapped Ed's hands against the tub and helped him step in. It was only when he tried to sit Ed down that he received any resistance.

"N-no! No, I stand!" Ed yanked away from Roy, nearly stumbling and falling down. "I-I don't-I can't-" He grit his teeth, fear and shame mixing on his face. "If I-I slip I'll-oh god this is so _stupid_," he hissed, turning away from Roy.

"If you slip you'll what?" Roy turned Ed to face him, the blind eyes glancing up into Roy's for just a moment before searching again, as they always did. "Ed?"

Hanging his head in defeat, Ed finally admitted his fears. "I don't want to drown. One slip and-and I can drown. I can't e-even see the water! I can't _feel_ it! Why would you want to give me a ba-" he gasped, hugging his arms to his chest. "Why a _bath?_"

"Because they're relaxing and perfectly safe." Roy eased Ed down into the tub, aiding the blond in undressing. "Come on, if you can do the dishes, you can take your clothes off by yourself." He placed Ed's hands on the bottom of his shirt before pulling away, holding off on adding water to the tub until he could grab clean, dry clothes for after the bath. He had just made it to the bedroom and picked out a set when he heard a loud bang and even louder cursing.

Racing back to the bathroom, he was met with the sight of Edward tangled in his shirt, arms pinned by the fabric as he tried to wiggle out of it. Though he hadn't fallen over in the struggle, his metal foot _had_ cracked the tub where he kicked it.

"Edward…" Stepping forward to aid him, Roy was just a moment too late as Ed's frustration finally released itself with a loud tearing as he ripped the shirt clear off, heavy breathing mirroring his rage. Just as quickly it dissipated and left him looking _incredibly_ guilty.

"Oh, hell, I just… aw maaaan I'm sorry, I'm-I'm really good at breaking stuff…" Grasping, Ed managed to find the tatters of his shirt and hold it up pointlessly in front of his gaze. "Maybe I could… try to fix it…"

"Nonsense. I needed some new rags for cleaning house." Roy took it from him, placing Ed's hands on the waistline of his sweats. "You can get these off without tearing them, I hope?"

"Umm, yeah okay, pants. Sorry about the shirt…" Ed wiggled out of them easily, freezing when Roy clapped his hands to repair the wall of the tub. His head snapped to the point of transmutation, hairs standing up on the back of his neck. "Hey, what-what was that?!"

"Edward? You can feel alchemy?" Roy watched as Ed leaned forward and touched the spot, tapping it a few times.

"Flat, nothing, right? What was that? I.. I could feel the energy."

"Of course." He clapped Ed's hands together and placed it to the location, the action naturally devoid of any alchemical activity since Ed hadn't intentionally made the circle in his mind. He watched as Ed carefully clapped his hands together once more, placing them against the tub wall to create a crackle of alchemic energy without affecting the surface.

"Alchemy!" Ed yanked his hands back, holding them in front of his face as though staring at them. "That's right, I wasn't… I couldn't trade…" He trailed off, slamming the hands down against the tub floor as he cursed. Had he had feeling, that would have been incredibly painful-though Roy wasn't sure it _wasn't_, as Ed lifted them up carefully and placed them gently in his lap. "Of all the-I can't fucking _use_ alchemy, I'm _blind_ and I can't feel anything, _useless_ to have it!" He haughtily laid back in the tub, a little _too_ fast as he misjudged the distance and slammed his head on the bathtub rim. He shot up again, grabbing the back of his head with _another_ curse, pain clear on his face. "_FUCK!_"

"Hey! Calm down, Edward!" Roy pulled Ed's hand away, nearly receiving a backhand for it before Ed seemed to _remember_ Roy was there and stopping himself. "You're fine. There's no bleeding." He gently placed Ed's hands back in his lap with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I won't use alchemy if it-"

"So you're an-an alchemist huh?" Ed asked shakily, managing a smile. "I-I guess it makes sense, my life has always rev-volved around it anyways." Seeming to remember what he was doing before the incident, Ed slid his sweatpants off.

"Yeah, Ed. The Flame Alchemist." Roy smiled sadly as he began filling the tub with warm water. Ed's skin was growing cold to the touch, though Roy knew Ed didn't feel the temperature or the light brush to his chest to test.

The tub was soon half full with steamy warm water loosely populated with soapy suds. Ed could sense it from the reduction of gravity's pull, Roy able to discern this as Ed curiously left his arms float on top of the water before pulling them under and repeating the process. Content amusement was on his face-until his backside slipped out from under him, dropping his head under the water too fast for Roy to catch him.

"_Shit_-"

Ed held his breath with wide eyes, seeming to _know_ he was under. He struggled to sit up in the relatively cramped position, relief clear on his face when Roy yanked him upright.

"I went under didn't I? I-I could feel my head floating," he revealed, eyes wide. "Maybe, maybe I can, maybe..." he murmured, lowering himself down slowly in the tub. Unaware of Roy's hawklike watch, Ed slowly immersed his head into the water, scarred chest rising in preparedness before he slipped under.

The soap didn't sting his eyes as he opened them.

He didn't hear the water seal off his ears.

He could feel his head bob under the water, and feel the sudden return of gravity as he broke the surface again.

"Maybe I won't drown," Ed remarked, sitting up again. "What a relief," he added with a chuckle, hanging his head forward and waiting.

Waiting, as Roy watched him in renewed admiration. Watched as the water streamed from thick golden hair to trace phantom lines down Ed's tanned skin and across his numerous scars. Watched as Ed lifted his head to turn those searching, always searching eyes outward.

"Are you gonna wash me?"

"You can wash the dishes, but you can't wash yourself?" Roy asked in mild surprise, reaching for the shampoo bottle. He worked the cool gel into Ed's golden hair, wishing he'd had this opportunity _before_ Ed lost the chance to truly feel it. As it was now, Roy knew Ed could only feel the shift in gravity and change in position on his neck as he scrubbed the lather deep into Ed's tresses.

"Do you just want me to wash you because you're used to being bathed?" Roy mused, using a cup of water to rinse Ed's hair. "Or are you afraid you won't do a thorough job?" He cleaned behind Ed's ears, continuing on down.

He'd never seen Ed's scars so close, in so much detail before. They were more extensive than he had realized.

Maybe Ed wasn't just being indulgent, or careful. Maybe Ed was letting Roy bathe him as bonding, as building trust.

From the peaceful smile on Ed's face, he seemed to be enjoying it.

Roy wondered just how much of the bath Ed could _feel_...

He pressed a bit hard on Ed's spine, earning almost a _purr_.

Next he put pressure on Ed's right calf, earning a sigh.

Finally, he pressed on Ed's inner thigh, very close to his privates-and was rewarded with a flushed-faced Edward closing his legs and pulling away.

Well, at least he knew how Ed felt about their relationship. It was a bit of a relief.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to try anything lewd," Roy assured him, gently easing Ed back into his spread position. "But I need full access to get you properly clean."

Ed opened his mouth to protest, only an exhale escaping as he clamped it shut with a red face. He was a bit tense as Roy continued to wash him, relaxing when he felt no more incidents of deep touch near his loins.

Until Roy accidentally pressed too hard while washing Ed's rear.

He hadn't been pressing all that hard, really.

Ed must have been _really_ paying attention.

A hand flew down to guard Ed's privates, but due to lack of feeling and misjudged distance and sheer _speed_ of the reaction-

Roy was never so thankful for Ed's deadened senses when he witnessed Ed's hand collide with his balls.

He didn't realize how wrong he was until he heard Ed's _yowl_ of agony as he curled up and pulled his knees to his chest, head dropping below the water before he screamed _again_ and released his pain in half-silent bubbles.

Roy rapidly lifted Ed's head out of the water, receiving no protest as the blond was still in too much pain to do anything more than gasp out in shock.

"Edward you _idiot_," Roy sighed, slowly repositioning Ed so that he wouldn't slip under the water again. "I wouldn't violate you while you're like this. Certainly not before you even know who I _am_."

While Ed was shaking in pain, unaware of the identity of the man supporting him.

While Ed was wary of Roy _touching_ him.

Roy knew he had to tell Ed, despite the recent embarrassments that would make it harder for Ed to accept the truth.

He just didn't know _how_.

And after the last blow to Ed's pride, he didn't feel like trying that hard to figure it out.

At least not for tonight.

* * *

><p>Oh my god<p>

Oh my _god_

That hurt like _hell!_

The pain had lessened to a dull ache, but I still didn't want to get out of that tub.

I had panicked, like an _idiot_ I had tried to guard myself from-from what? He was just _washing_ me! Just like my caretaker had done plenty of times!

Was it the knowledge that he was attracted to me? Because he would kiss me, that he might do more to me?

He helped you become _independent_, Edward. He taught you to use the bathroom so that you'd never have to struggle with the catheter again.

Yet still I doubted him!

He's taught me so much-_given_ me so much-and right away I shy away from his touch before he can try anything-as though he _would_ try anything. He hasn't yet, why would I _think_ he would?

He's sat me up in the tub so I won't _drown_ myself. Because I whacked myself in-in the-how stupid can I _be?_ I must win the award for self-embarrassment.

Maybe I wouldn't be so damn _antsy_ if I just knew more _about_ him. Got to know him, maybe, like a regular relationship!

_Haha_. And you'll do that _how_, Elric?

Ask him what his ideal date is?

I sure as hell doubt it's teaching a blind and deaf man how to find a _refrigerator_.

What are you-don't you _dare_ cry, you have _enough_ self-pity, don't shove more of it off onto him.

He'll understand! I just whacked myself in the-

Which was your _own_ fault.

Just shut _up!_ Go away, leave me _alone!_

You can never escape your own mind, Edward.

You couldn't do it when you had your senses, and you can't do it now.

I hug my arms to my chest as I try to fight the overwhelming urge to curl up and battle with my mind-I fight the stupid _panic attack_ before it can take me and turn me into a gasping, shaking mess of a human.

He's wrapping his arms around me. Is he trying to keep my naked body warm? or is he offering emotional comfort?

Hell, how _pathetic_ must I look. A grown man, shaking in the tub because he can't escape the dark corners of his mind.

He gives me freedom but I keep regressing, I keep falling back down-maybe my wings are still tattered.

Oh woul'ja knock it off with the stupid bird analogy, Edward?!

I can't. It's one of the few dumb things that gives me hope.

I feel my arms moving up. But I'm-no, I _am_ the one moving them. Subconsciously, to grasp at my head as I shudder out a gasp.

No, no, _no!_ I said _no_ panic attack!

Hands down. _Calm_ down. Steady your breathing. C'mon, do that dumb meditation thing. Slow, steady breaths. Focus just on breathing.

You're reduced to-

_Breathe_.

You can't contr-

_Exhale._

You'll never be-

_Shh, I'm being peaceful here._

He's still holding you, y'know.

I lift my head and return to awareness, realizing that I've successfully held off the panic attack and my shaking has disappeared along with my erratic breathing.

I move just enough to feel that I'm still in his arms, and I wonder-is he in the tub _with_ me? Is he getting his clothes all wet, is he naked, or did he drain the tub?

Does it really _matter?_ He's there for you, despite any consequence.

I smile and lift my head up, leaning it back against his chest. I let myself laugh-and I know it's one that's flooded with relief from the absurdity of the ordeal minutes ago. I'm almost crying from the laughing, it's so saturated with the alleviation of stress.

I end up gasping again, but it's a good feeling. He squeezes me around the middle and I laugh again, only abating with the realization that I'm still nude-

"Oh hell I need _clothes!_"

-but I just burst into uncontrollable laughter once more.


	20. Chapter 20

_To shiva1_- Bonding Ed's soul to the armor would technically be human transmutation, and Ed wouldn't want to put anyone through this-least not his brother. And the whole sensing alchemy… maybe Roy's just more sloppy with regular alchemy and that's why Ed sensed it? Haha. (More along the lines of 'oops!' from the author.)  
><em>To gaap237<em>- inorite?! In either series Ed really loses alchemy-it doesn't work on _our_ side, and in bro'hood he sacrifices it. And Ed+alchemy are kind of a _thing_ that we all know and love.  
>Thanks everyone for your reviews! ❤<p>

* * *

><p>I've been here for a few weeks now. It's actually really nice.<p>

We get up in the morning, share breakfast, always one final kiss before he leaves for work.

I leave the dishes for him, because I've figured that I just make a ridiculous mess.

During the day I find pointless little things to occupy my time and keep the chaos of my mind reigned in.

I practice the routes in the house. I've gotten so good that I can do them backwards.

I explore the middles of the rooms, and not just the walls. I've hit a lot of tables and chairs and I may have even broken something fragile. He's never mentioned it, but then again, I've never asked. _Eheh_.

I practice my balance. I try to do some of the basic motions that Izumi put Alphonse and I through when we first began training. Sometimes I make it through one, I _think_, though I wouldn't mind if she were there to help.

For someone who's so cut off from _sensing_ the outside world, I sure miss the interaction i'd become so accustomed to lately.

I fall onto my back yet _again_ from practicing a handstand, waiting for the mental haze and momentary shock to clear from my mind before I sit up.

Well, this isn't working, what about something safer?

I walk freely through the room without the walls for guidance, pleased with myself when I find the stairway. My hand smacks the banister and, like a _child_, I cringe as though expecting a scolding.

None comes, because he's at work.

I grip the banister with one hand and use the other to feel ahead of me as I slowly begin my ascent.

I've been up these stairs before. He takes me up each night for bed, only because I complain about sleeping alone on the couch. We come back down after his morning shower.

But I've never been on them _alone_.

I swear, I think I just _giggled_ from the excitement. Like a _kid_.

I really think I am regressing mentally. Maybe less into a dark place, and more into a younger state of mind.

Children need to be taught to do things properly, and they need to be looked after because they can't survive on their own and if they try, they might _hurt_ themselves.

Ee-yup, we're gonna go with 'mentally handicapped' for my condition, I suppose. Though it's my physical condition _causing_ the limitations.

Focus, Ed! You nearly slipped! Geez, these must be hardwood stairs.

Don't try to rationalize it. You just can't feel where your foot is stepping, only _up_ and _ahead_. Just be careful you don't-

"_Ahh!_"

I grasp at air as I feel my chin slam into the stairs, gravity ruthlessly knocking the wind out of me before rolling me backward to the bottom.

_Shit_, how far did I _go?_ I'm _still_ going down!

I feel the bumping and tumbling on the way down, but nothing is severe enough to be painful under the surface. I only feel the sudden stop as I land at the bottom, leaving me breathless and dizzy. It takes me a minute to realize that I'd landed flat on my back, my receding confusion returning in full force when I feel movement that I don't think I'm consciously doing.

"Hello?"

Slowly, very slowly, I'm sat up. I feel a hug around my shoulders, just enough to know it's _him_.

Oh, hell, he _caught_ me!

He-he didn't see the whole _tumble_, did he? _Crap!_

"So how.. how was-was work?" I ask sheepishly, but he simply stands me and has me tap the stairwell banister. _Busted_. "I didn't go up them." Not _completely_, at least.

He shakes my head no and I wonder if I got off easy-until he smacks my hand against the banister again.

"Well all I know of upstairs is the bedroom! I know all of _downstairs_, I need to explore more!" I cross my arms and put effort into a pout, knowing it will do no good as my abilities had pretty well reached their limitations in the house.

He spins me around a few times as though playing some dumb children's game, giving me a gentle shove when finished.

If he expects me to walk straight, he's sorely mistaken. I admittedly veer a bit, which I think is completely _fair_ given his spinning, but I proudly keep my course straight.

I only stop moments before running into the front door, grinning when I realize my sixth sense combined with my knowledge of the home layout kept me from smacking my face into something solid again.

Saved by fate! _Ha_.

I begin to walk away, but he stops me and lifts my arms over my head. Confused, I lower them, leaving them raised when he repeats the action.

"What are you doing?" I ask as I feel him moving them around. He lowers them and gives a tug at my shirt, causing me to stumble forward. Even with the clues, I can't figure it out. It felt as though he put a shirt on me-but I'm already clothed, so why another?

He presses my stomach, preventing my escape with his other hand at my back. I try to push his hands away with a grumble.

"Knock it off! I just ate!"

And then fell down the stairs.

Really, how do I keep this food _down_ all the time? Between the acrobatics I mean to do and the ones that I… _accidentally_ perform…

He backs me up and leans me against a wall just to confuse me further. I feel my legs lift one-by-one, and wonder if he's checking my feet.

I didn't _land_ on those when I fell, stupid!

Finally, he moves me one more time, placing my hands on the door.

"Y-you're leaving again? But you-you just got home," I ask with a frown.

Only something's different as I feel him closing the door.

I'm on the wrong _side_.

I almost cry out in alarm, but his arm squeezing my waist silences me.

He's… he's with me. I'm with _him_.

He's taking me outside again.

We haven't left the house since our arrival from the train.

I'm _excited!_

Base instinct, silly reaction, be an _adult_ Edward, you can be excited, but don't act like a little _girl_ just because you're-what, gay?

I hang my head with a groan, walking forward before he can stop me. Luckily, the trip is a safe one as he catches up to me and leads me to the… the… I don't know, where are we? We didn't go far from the house.

I think we're being shuttled somewhere. He slides me into a vehicle and I feel the odd sensation of claustrophobia again as I kick my legs but they barely move. Tap my arm to the right, solid. _Door_. Tap it to the left-more room, but I still hit something.

He takes that hand in his and moves it to his lap, offering me comfort. _Oops_, I hit him again. I subconsciously reach up for something with my right hand when we begin moving, but there's nothing tangible that I can _feel_, and honestly, the driving isn't all that bad this time.

"Your driver is doing better."

He releases my hand and taps me lightly on the chest. I don't know what that means, unless it's a thank you. Or an acknowledgement.

It's generally a peaceful drive, but his hand has been gone for a while and I want it back. Maybe I'm being impatient and selfish, but honestly, he gave it to me before so why wouldn't he give it now? I reach over and grasp for it, but whatever my hand connects with isn't him-it doesn't come away with my hand, it slides; it _pivots?_ and I nearly fall over in my seat as we jerk to the right and then back to the left again.

"Wh-what was-was that?" I gasp, reaching again for support that's not _there_ and I feel-floating because we're still _moving_ and I can't control it and it's _really_ unsettling but I-I think I can handle it. I grab the only thing I can by crossing my arms, putting forth the effort to display boredom on my face and not the panic that's ebbing within me.

I feel him trying to take my arm from me-oh, _now_ he wants to comfort me?-but I deny him and turn to face the door, determined to get through this on my own.

I can't get scared at every little thing that I can't see.

I need to stop having _panic_ attacks!

I remember the recliner, because this feeling is a bit similar-I can't move much, I don't have _control_, and-we're still moving-but the recliner had stopped, and I kept going with the stress...but the car is still going, and my stress is dying down.

I _am_ getting better.

I lean against the door and relax my arms, waiting for our arrival. My hand moves as he slides it toward him, but I have no reason to pull away this time.

"I'm better, thanks to you."

* * *

><p>Roy led Edward into the store, acquiring a shopping cart to stock up on necessities. He placed Ed's hands on the cart handle, moving to the front to pull him along.<p>

"Where are we?"

Roy simply led the cart along, curiosity keeping Edward loyally attached to their buggy. He placed a few boxes of food into the cart, picking out first food for himself.

"What am I holding onto? It doesn't feel like you."

Roy only smiled and led Edward to the produce section, the source of his mealtime smoothies. While steering the cart, he pressed a hand to Ed's back to assure the blond of his presence.

"Am I pushing something?"

Roy nodded Ed's head for him, ignoring the curious look one woman gave him.

"It's moving fairly ea-easily. Does it have wheels?"

Another nod, and the woman has managed to get her husband to watch the nod.

"Pushing something with wheels… hmm. All right, ya got me; what is it?"

Spotting a box of crackers that he particularly liked, Roy guided Ed's hand to it to pick it off the shelf and toss it into the cart. He replaced Ed's hand onto the handle, continuing forward with him. "Figure it out y-"

"Are we sorting mail?"

"Sorting _mail_-" Roy sighed and shook Ed's head, trying to figure out _how_ to communicate their whereabouts to Ed without having him smacking the whole place.

"Damn! I thought I had that one. Any more hints-more clues?"

"Give me some time." Roy parked Ed in the middle of the produce section, collecting an assortment of fresh vegetables. His attention left Ed only for a few minutes, but it was enough to attract a curious woman who was wondering _why_ Ed was smacking his shopping cart with such gusto.

"Sir, are you all right?"

Ed continued his focused tapping, unaware, until she stepped a bit closer in concern. She began to ask him again, but his hand connected with her shoulder with enough force to send her backward.

"Ahh! Ex_cuse_ you!"

"Every _time_," Roy hissed as he flew to Ed's defense. "Ma'am, if you'll please forgive my friend."

"What's _wrong_ with him?"

"I believe I can ask you the same question. I'm sure Ed was minding his own business, yet you were close enough for his hand to accidentally hit you."

"He was smacking the cart! I thought he might be mentally disturbed!"

"I _assure_ you," Roy replied angrily; "he is _mentally_ fine. You have no right to stick your nose into his business-"

"You brought him here, didn't you?"

"Yes, I brought my _friend_ to the store with me for a shopping trip!"

"Aware of the knowledge that he could hurt someone?"

"I'm more of a danger to you right now than he is," Roy replied threateningly. "Please leave Edward and myself alone, we're here to do the same thing you are: shop and return home."

"Hey!" Ed attracted their attention as he spoke. "I think I-I got it. Are we in a _store?_"

"He doesn't even know where he is?"

"He can't see or hear," Roy growled as he subtly nodded Ed's head, not missing the triumphant grin on his face.

"_Ha! _Take _that_ you-" Ed's expression turned to horror as his voice grew quiet. "A store, in public?"

"Ed?" Roy ignored the woman as she watched Edward. Why did he suddenly look _afraid?_ He did just fine on the train with Ruby and her mom.

But there _were_ fewer people. Not that Ed could tell the difference, so why would it worry him?

"Y-you brought me to a-a store?" Ed frowned, hands gripping the cart tightly enough to turn his knuckles white. "But why? I-I know we needed the train to move but I-people are gonna-why would you let them _see_ me like this?" he gasped, bowing his head to hide behind his hair as he sucked in a shaky breath. He tore his arm away as Roy tried to comfort Ed by removing it from the cart to relax him. "_No!_" he snapped, shaking his head. "You know I'm-I'm not-I can't-not like _you_, not like _them_, I can't-" he gasped again, halted in his attempted retreat by a display of fresh apples.

"Edward, you were doing just fine," Roy scolded him quietly, trying once more to take Ed's hands in his own to lead him out of the fear. Ed whipped his hands away, hugging his arms to his chest insecurely.

"I want to go home," Ed whined. "I don't-I don't want to be on _display_."

Roy shook Ed's head and drew him into a secure embrace, resisting the weak push from the shaking blond who soon calmed in his arms.

"Are they w-watching?"

Roy sent threatening glares to the curious and empathic stares around them as he lied to Ed to provide the comfort and confidence that Ed so deserved.

_No_.

"Are-are there a-a lot-is the store busy?"

_No_.

"Then kiss me," Ed hissed so low that Roy nearly missed it, despite being the closest to him.

In front of these people? Roy didn't give a rat's ass what people thought of his _sexuality_, but if Colonel Mustang was seen kissing a physically disadvantaged man, much less one a decade younger than himself and a _former subordinate_ of his-

He couldn't do it. For his reputation and Ed's privacy, he couldn't do it.

"I knew it," Ed growled, pulling away from Roy with hurt visible on his angry face. "You _lied_ to me, I knew it!"

"Edward," Roy protested, grabbing Ed's arm to try to calm him-and was rewarded with a powerful fist to the face, knocking him into the zucchini display to land on the floor. Ed towered over him as he took a step forward, outrage emanating from his form.

"Don't you _dare_ lie to me. All that I have to go on about _outside_ is what you tell me, dammit! And I won't be _lied_ to just to save my pride! Don't _lie_ to me, I trust you com-completely, don't… you're all I _have_, you can't _lie_ to me!" He slid down to his knees, reaching blindly forward for the touch of the one he'd grown to depend on for so much.

Roy ignored the forming bruise on his tender cheek as he leaned forward to pull Ed to him. He was surprised when Ed resisted the hug and stood, his hands still in Roy's. He wasn't sure what was going on until Ed tugged on his hands encouragingly.

"Come on, up. Stand up, I-I couldn't have hit you that hard."

Just as Roy had helped Ed to stand so long ago, their roles had reversed and Ed was pulling Roy to his feet.

Roy had lied to Ed, and Ed had forgiven him-not because he had no choice because his survival was dependent on the man, but because he _trusted_ him.

For all of that trust, Ed still didn't know the true identity of the man he relied on for home, for health, for love and support. And that infallible trust… would only make it more difficult for Roy to eventually reveal his identity to Ed.

"Oh, Ed." Roy sighed softly and led Ed back to the cart with a heavy heart. "We can-"

"So what are you buying?" Ed pushed the cart forward, Roy rushing to turn it so Ed didn't slam into the precarious pineapple pyramid. "Are you getting food for me too? You know I eat a lot, we'd better buy enough."

_He wants to stay? _Roy smiled as he subtly slowed Edward and eventually stopped him near the edge of the produce section. _It shouldn't surprise me, really, knowing Edward's tenacity_.

"Very well. Let's stock up, then." Roy led Ed away from the cart and stopped him near the melon display. He positioned Ed's arms outward, lifted the largest watermelon in stock, and set it in Ed's arms, unable to hide his snicker when Ed grasped it as he nearly keeled over from the sudden weight.

"Wh-whu-what _is_ this?! It's so heavy! Is it a _kid?_" Ed held it out from his body cautiously, his arms trembling under the sheer weight of the two-foot melon.

"Only you would make that connection," Roy replied with a laugh, moving the watermelon from Ed's hands to their cart. "What's next… grapes. Do you like grapes? Too much sugar for your smoothies, but I like them." Roy added them to their inventory which happened to be Ed's arms. Broccoli, cabbage, bananas, beans, carrots, oranges, a whole _host _of fruits and vegetables followed-leaving Ed's arms overloaded but the blond too prideful to say anything. Roy chuckled and led him back to the card, unloading his arms. "This is the part where you call me abusive for making you hold all of those things." His words fell on silent ears, weary sigh unheard by the only one who _mattered_ to him.

"Nearly finished," Roy said a bit loudly for his company, placing Ed's hands onto the cart handle to lead him into a paper-goods aisle. He left Ed at the front of the aisle as he walked down to the end, gazed at the selection; glanced to see Ed boredly awaiting company, and chuckled as he returned to the shelving. After a few more minutes, he snatched a package and turned. "If you knew you were using _baby_ wipes in the bathroom, surely you'd…" He trailed off as he saw the full cart left _unattended_. "Ed?!"

Roy ran to the basket and tossed the package in, bolting to the end of the aisle, resisting to call _again_ because Ed wouldn't hear him.

"Where the _hell_ have you gone?!"


	21. Chapter 21

_To alchemyfreak42_- You guessed it! Morse code will be their method of communication in the future.  
><em>To Brenne<em>- While not completely correct, you did influence the story a bit!

* * *

><p>Roy bolted through the store in a panic, eyes darting around frantically for the sight of <em>some<em> hint of Edward.

"Two minutes it wasn't even _two_ minutes where did you go-_why_ did you go?!" He slid into the back of the store, relief flooding him as he caught sight of the golden ponytail and the red hoodie disappearing into an aisle.

Roy was at Ed's side in minutes, but before he could open his mouth to speak, he froze at the scene before him.

"Okay deary, we still have a little more shopping to do before we go home. We need to get some crackers...and some eggs, oh you _know_ I love when you make me eggs!"

Roy stared at the old woman leading a relaxed and compliant Ed by the hand. She was squinting at the packaging on the shelf through her glasses before pulling it off and handing it to Ed, who grasped it in his free arm.

"Um... Ma'am?" Roy stepped forward to be the next recipient of her scrutinizing gaze. "I believe you have my friend mixed up with someone else."

"I'm sorry? Do I know you?"

"No, ma'am. But the man you're leading around the store is my friend, his name is Edward. That's not who you-"

"Edward? Oh goodness no! This my husband Donny. Isn't he sweet? He takes such wonderful care of me. He's my eyes and I'm his ears, he's a little hard of hearing, you understand."

"I'm sorry, but that man really isn't who you think he is." Roy tapped Edward's chest until he received a response.

"H-hello? What? Why are you-did I do something wrong?" Roy shook Ed's head by the ponytail, confusing the old lady further when he continued speaking in a voice that she did _not_ recognize. "Can we put this stuff in the-the cart now? Why am I carrying everything?"

"Donny?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am." Roy placed the packages in Ed's arms into the cart near them. "Edward is blind and deaf and may have mistook you for me. I left him by my cart for only a minute to get something from the shelf."

"But my Donny," she faltered, squinting harder at Ed. "I thought he was…"

"Where _is_ your husband, ma'am?" Roy gazed around the store for an elderly blonde.

"Donny, my Donny… oh I thought I had found him again," she replied sadly. "I haven't seen him in… he's been gone for… five years."

Roy's heart ached as he realized this woman had mistaken Edward for her deceased husband.

"Ma'am.. I'm so sorry for your loss."

"I miss him so," she replied, reaching under her glasses to wipe at stray tears. "Donny was my whole world, we did everything together, we-we grew old and decrepit together," she added with a choked laugh. "I'm so sorry, I want him back so badly that I mistook your friend for him…"

"It's all right," Roy replied. "Edward is no worse for the wear, and he was able to help with your..." He trailed off as Ed turned to the woman, raising his hand hesitantly. Silently he walked forward, distance judgement perfect as he wrapped his arms around the woman in a comforting hug.

"Don't-don't cry. I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I-I don't want to make anyone cry."

"Edward? How did-"

"That's him right there," an unsettlingly familiar voice said, the disagreeable woman from earlier directing the store manager to Ed and Roy.

"I'm sorry sir," the man said to Roy with a knowing look; "I was informed that there was a..." He clearly didn't believe the words he didn't want to say next. "Possibly mentally disturbed man in the store." He glanced at Ed, who was successfully comforting the sad old woman. He turned to the accusatory woman with a frown. "I hardly think this man is a danger, ma'am. He's only comforting Mrs. Waters."

"But he hits people without realizing it! It's not safe to have him in public!"

"He hit _you_ because you got in the way of the hand he was using to _see_," Roy interrupted; "and he hit _me_ because I deserved it for lying to him. Now please let us go about our trip."

"It's not safe-"

"Now you listen here madam," Mrs. Waters interrupted, pointing at the woman. "For a young man who can't see or hear, he's intelligent and an absolute _sweetheart_ and if you soil his name or ruin his day I will personally take my buggy and ram it so far up your-"

"Thank you Mrs. Waters," the manager interrupted with a sly grin. "I'm sure the rest of this day will go about peacefully for everyone. Am I right?"

The woman spun on her heel and left the rest of them alone. Roy exhaled in relief, thanking the manager as they parted ways.

"We thank you for your defense, ma'am," Roy said as Ed finally released the woman.

"Defense nothing. She has no right to treat such a nice, innocent man that way just because he's less able than she is. To me he's doing perfectly fine for his disabilities."

"Thank you, ma'am. He's very strong-willed and refuses to give up. Right, Ed?" Roy took Ed's hand in his, pulling him closer.

"Are we still shopping?"

"Yeah, almost done." Roy nodded his head, earning a smile.

"Good. I-I like getting out of the house."

"I know. Maybe we'll meet again, Mrs. Waters."

"Oh, I would like that! You boys are delightful."

She waved as she walked off, leaving the two alchemists alone.

"Well, I suppose we-"

"Are you doing any shopping? Because I'm just standing here. Hey do you have any of my food? I'm hungry."

Roy shook his head in disbelief and pushed on Ed's stomach just short of knocking him off balance.

"Yeah that's what I said, I'm hungry." Ed waved away Roy's touch and crossed his arms.

"All right, how about juice boxes." Roy led Ed to the drinks aisle, preferring to keep the blond in his sights all the time. He grabbed a pack of juice boxes, setting one in Ed's hands. "There you go, top of the line stuff."

"Thank you," Ed mumbled as he walked with Roy and sipped. There was a look of intense concentration on his face, and Roy realized that Ed never drank his smoothies while walking before-he actually seemed a bit tense and hunched over.

"Maybe we should-" Roy froze as Ed suddenly went down. Having tripped over his own feet, Ed crashed to the ground, flailing for support on the way down...and found it in the form of a pyramidal display of cans that toppled haphazardly, landing both on the floor around them and right on Edward. The largest can, sat atop the pyramid like a star on a Yule tree, landed right at the base of his spine and elicited a sharp gasp of pain.

"Edward!" Roy knelt down to check on Ed, placing his hand gently on the can's impact point. Ed immediately twisted away, struggling to get on his hands and knees amidst the mess of cans on the floor. He shied away again as Roy tried to help him up, fearful golden eyes turning toward him.

"Who-who's there?!" He scooted to the side, stopping when his hand hit another can and sent it rolling. "Did someone-attack me?"

Roy shook Ed's head, easing Ed upright to sit on his knees. He placed the heavy can in Ed's hands for inspection.

"I-I don't-" he gave it a shake and tapped it, dropping it moments later. "I don't know what it is. Did it fall on me?"

"At least you figured that part out," Roy replied by giving Ed a nod.

"Oh. So-so nobody…" he trailed off and hung his head with a sigh. "I'm sorry. My past before you was a little um… rocky."

"Before me, hm." Roy smiled and helped Ed to his feet, concerned when Ed's first few steps were accompanied by a limp. Roy pressed gently where the can had hit, earning a defensive swipe from Ed. "Are you injured?" He pressed again, rewarded with another swipe as Ed stumbled away from Roy with pain on his face.

"S-Stop! Just-just let me walk it out." Ed tenderly rubbed at the spot, offering his other hand to be led by. "Can we go home now?"

"Of course." As he led Edward to their cart, he was pleased to see the limp nearly work itself out. Perhaps it was just a muscular bruise. He knew one thing.. Edward would be sore the next day.

* * *

><p>Their Friday night shopping trip had concluded with a therapeutic back rub and much snuggles before bed, much to Ed's delight.<p>

Saturday morning saw Roy slowly aiding a sore and limping Ed down the stairs and leaving him near the fridge for his breakfast. Through a series of motions with Ed's hands, Roy told him he was off to make a phone call. Ed had asked Roy to wait, snatched a smoothie from the fridge, and followed Roy to the study.

"Do you somehow know who I'm calling?" Roy mused curiously. He sat Ed on his desk before turning his attention to the phone, not denying himself any opportunity to gaze at the man before him.

"Rockbell Automail, Winry speaking!"

Roy had to smile at the woman's bubbly tone. "Winry, it's Roy."

"Oh! Roy." Her tone quickly changed from surprised to nervous. "How is he?"

"Perfectly fine. He's doing much better than I had anticipated."

"Really? What's he doing now?"

"Drinking his breakfast smoothie." Roy smiled at Winry's surprised gasp.

"You taught him to drink food?!"

"Honestly, it's thanks to a little girl named Ruby. She figured out that a straw was the key."

"A little-Roy, you didn't have him in a _daycare_, did you?"

"A-" Roy snorted in laughter. "N-no, Winry. We met her on the train ride to Central."

"Oh. I'm sorry, it was wrong of me to think that."

"Quite all right. Here, hold on for just a minute." Roy reached up and mimicked the phone-dialing motions with Ed, stuck the phone in Ed's right hand and placed it to his ear.

"What?" Ed tried to move the hand, but when it remained put, the reason _why_ dawned on him. "Oh! Y-you want me to talk? But I can't _hear_. Uh...hello. Good morning? I-I hope you're having a good day..." Ed paused in his one-sided conversation. "Um, hold-hold on." He reached out to tap Roy, hitting only air in front of him. "Who is it? Is-is it someone I know?"

_Nod_.

"Oh! A friend?"

Roy lifted Ed's left leg and tapped his free hand against it, hoping his automail would give him the answer-

"Winry? Is it Winry?"

Roy nodded Ed's head, delighting in the sudden enthusiasm in those golden eyes as a grin lit up his face.

"No way, Winry!" The developed habit of word repetition disappeared altogether as he chattered eagerly into the phone. "I'm taking care of my automail, I swear! Okay well _he_ is, because I can't really see or feel it. But after my bath I dry it off extra well, more than my right leg. You know I don't have to wear that stupid catheter now? I know right where the bathroom is! He taught me the layout of his house. I can get around with my eyes closed!" He snickered at his own joke. "I'm glad I got the chance to talk to you Win, even if I can't hear your reply. I miss your voice," Ed added softly. "But he called to talk to you, so I'm gonna hand the phone back. Maybe you can come visit us soon? We're in-uh, a city. It must be a city, the car ride from the train station was pretty long. Or maybe we can visit you! I did like the train ride..." Ed trailed off at the memory of peace and contentment and learning and the constant comfort of the rails, revisiting the train easily in his mind. Only an image of Winry waving to him as he left on the train returned him to reality, and he offered an apologetic laugh. "Sorry, got lost in good memories. Talk to you later, Win!"

"He's quite talkative around the ladies," Roy observed as he took the phone from Ed and set the remainder of the smoothie into his idle hands.

"It's so good to hear him _happy_ again, Roy. Thank you so much."

"It is mostly his own determination that got him this far, I can't take all the credit."

"Until you came along, we couldn't even coax him out of that _chair_. We didn't know how to give him hope. If not for you, Roy… he might not be with us today."

"That would be a shame. Mrs. Waters quite enjoyed his company."

"Mrs. _who?_"

Roy laughed at Winry's bewildered tone. "Last night at the market, an elderly woman mistook Ed for her husband. Her eyesight wasn't the best, but the two of them were halfway across the store in the two minutes that I had my back turned."

"He left with her?!"

"Hell Winry, he thought it was me leading him to another aisle. He was an awfully good sport about it; he held her groceries and everything. I don't think he ever realized that he walked off with someone else, though…" Roy watched Ed sit the cup down next to him and curiously smack around to discern his location. "How about Alphonse? How is he doing?"

"Ever since Ed moved in with you, he's completely thrown himself into searching for a way to help Ed get his senses back. Right now he's actually in Xing with May Chang to learn as much as he can about alkahestry, since much of that art is used for healing."

"So there's still no answers for his condition," Roy murmured, noting Ed's nervousness when he tried to reach the floor with his foot from his perch on the desk. Roy quickly grabbed Ed's hands, yanked him down to his feet, spun him around, and pulled the blond into his lap before he could fight back.

"No, not-Roy, what was that?" Winry had heard Ed's gasp and grunt of disagreement from the sudden movements.

"Just a bit of coercion. Ed couldn't find the floor, so I found him a better seat."

"Yeah, that really explained it to me… as long as he's all right," Winry replied.

"Safe and at ease," Roy chuckled as he put an arm around Ed's waist, preventing any chance of escape. "Oof-settle down, Ed. I'd better go; he's getting restless."

"All right. I'll let Alphonse know he's doing better. Thank you for calling, Roy."

"Of-c-course," Roy grunted as he held Ed in place. He hung the phone up and used both arms to hold Ed around the middle, having a bit of effort with the grown man's weight as he stood and carried him in the awkward position. "Calm down, stop-flailing!"

"What are-where-" Ed felt for Roy's hands around him, wiggling uneasily. "Put-put me d-down!"

"Of course." Roy released Ed once in the kitchen, leading him immediately to a chair. "Now Edward; what shall we do with our Saturday?"

Ed simply sat and waited for stimuli, boredom slowly consuming his expression.

"Thank you for those wonderful suggestions," Roy muttered. "I think mine may win more votes, though. What do you say we go out for ice cream? You need to learn to eat something less _liquid_. Even if it is the frozen form of your..._favorite_ substance."

Ed suddenly narrowed his eyes, mouth opening just a crack before closing in a thin line.

"I just got a-a bad feeling. Is something wrong?"

"I mentioned milk," Roy deadpanned, staring at Ed dumbfoundedly. "How the _hell_ did you sense that?"

"Can we do something? I'm-I'm bored."

"Of course, Ed. Let's go get some iced _milk_." Roy led Ed to the door, dressed him up in the red hoodie and black boots, and led the blissfully unaware Ed out of the house.


	22. Chapter 22

I can't figure out where we're going. All I know is that I had a _really_ eerie feeling before we left. Like something ominous was coming. I've been… sensing things...off and on for a while now. Like at the store, while we were shopping, I felt this...overwhelming _sadness_ next to me. I don't know how I'm sensing them, and if I focus, I can't at all; it seems to work best subconsciously.

I wonder if it has to do with that Dragon Pulse the Xingese speak of? The flow of energy in all things. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me as much as these random moments do.

I stumble a bit as we walk. We had left the house not long ago, and for some odd reason, he chooses to _lead_ me along the sidewalk and walk to our destination rather than ride in his car. Don't get me wrong, I've never been lazy, but since I lost the ability to see, wheeled travel is just… so much _easier_.

Another stumble, but he catches both of my hands and keeps me upright. I slow and stop, asking him to wait so I can catch my breath. It's not a panic attack, thank goodness; instead it's what's keeping my mind occupied and away from any hint of panic-my back.

I don't know _what_ fell on me at the store, but it was _heavy_ and it hurt on impact. And it _still_ hurts.

The more I walk, the more dull the pain is, but it's never gone. I suppose the pain will pass in a few days, but hell, he chooses _today_, the day I'll be the most sore, to _walk_ me how many miles to our destination.

I feel a groan escape my throat. He manages to figure out its cause, as he presses on currently the most sensitive part of my senseless body-my lower back. I hiss and jolt away, knocking into something else-someone else? Not able to tell if it's a person, I ignore it or _them_ and put a hand to my back.

"Yes it's sore it's not gonna go away overnight and it's not gonna get better if you keep _pushing _on it!" I know I'm being snappy, but that spot is tender as hell!

Without any more on the subject, we're walking again. Every step hurts, but I wouldn't tell him that, not when he's nice enough to take me out for...fresh air? A walk? Quality time? I snicker at my chaotic thoughts.

_Ow!_ He suddenly yanks me to the side, bumping me up against him, but it twisted my back. Why couldn't we have _driven?_

I must have voiced that, because he slows his pace to walk with me. I hate to be babied, really, and I speed up-but he only holds me back.

I bet I know what he's saying.

I'm too stubborn for my own good.

Where _are_ we going, anyway? Do we have a destination, or are we just out for a walk?

"Are we almost there?"

The familiar gravity shifting of him nodding my head back and forth. It's silly, but sometimes I ask him questions just to _feel_ the answer.

I'm not dependent on him for social interaction, honest.

Despite the twinge in my back as I twist, I suddenly grab him around the middle in a hug. Maybe it's a childish thing to do, but I want to show my appreciation and affection, and I don't do it enough. In my limited state, it's hard _to_ show.

Our walking has stopped and I wonder if he's waiting for me to get off him-but I feel the vertebrae in my spine flexing under strong fingers and I melt, unable to move. He doesn't touch the sore spot as he rubs my back, and I swear I must be purring, it feels so good.

Its not just the spine flexing...and cracking...but the muscles adjacent are getting a soothing massage, and he has no _idea_ what he's doing for my serotonin levels and-

Hey why did you _stop?_

Oh, right, we _were_ walking.

I fall back into step easily, my gait faster and more smooth thanks to his magically healing touch.

I just know there's a smile on my face, I just _know_.

We walk in peace and silence for another five blissful minutes. I'm so relaxed and content right now, we may as well have _snuggled_ I'm so happy.

Hey Winry, I get snuggles with a _man!_

I can imagine telling her that.

Oh hell I hope I didn't say it out loud!

If I did, he makes no sign of it, or the inevitable blush on my face.

He gently sits me in a chair and places my arms on the table in front of me. As his touch leaves, so does my mind.

He's always so gentle. Unless my deadened senses confuse my perception of _that_, too.

He doesn't _have_ to be gentle. My life never was before this happened to me. Hell, _I_ never was gentle, either.

Then again, I'm still not.

I hang my head as I think of all the times I've smacked and hit and _punched_ him since I met him. Still he seems to love me.

I wonder if he knows of my past? Of my time in the military? The Promised Day?

The day I lost everything.

The day I lost… Al.

I feel a choked gasp, the sharp inhale so familiar for all the many times I've called it out-

It wasn't loud, but it was his name.

_Al_.

I can't keep _not knowing_. It's slowly breaking me inside. I have-I have to _know_.

I feel _him_ shaking my shoulder, trying to snap me out of it. I realize I'm crying, probably making a scene as I sniffle and suck in gasping breaths.

Probably in _public_.

"Alphonse," I suddenly wheeze; "I-I have-I have to know if-if he's-is-is he-did he-is he alive?!"

I lift my head and his touch disappears. I know my desperation is echoed in my expression, and I reach out for him, needing him most now, needing to _know_.

"Please! Please, I-I have to know that-that what I did-_meant_ something. Please, is he alive?!"

His touch returns. I would flinch away from the fear of the answer, but it would only deepen the cracks in my sanity. Slowly my head moves. I focus on the direction-why is he so slow and hesitant, _please_ don't let the answer be-

_Yes_.

Oh, god, he's-I asked the question correctly, didn't I?

"Alphonse is alive?"

_Yes_.

"Is he healthy? Does he-does he have all of his senses?"

_Yes_.

Every answer is a flood of relief on my burdened heart, and I can't stop grasping for more air, more _information_.

"Is he-he doesn't have automail right? He didn't-didn't lose anything?"

_No_.

"Have I-have I been near him? Since-since this happened?"

_Yes_.

"And he-he knows about _me_ right? What happened?"

_Yes_.

I ask no more questions as he pulls my shaking body into his arms.

I know we're in public. I hate that sixth sense now, because I know it's not just paranoia, I can _feel_ eyes on me.

I don't care, though. I just received the best news to the question that has been festering within me since I lost so much-

But I've gained Alphonse back. He's fine. He's okay.

"Can I see him soon?"

_Nod_.

I wonder if Alphonse saw me breaking down. Or trying to kill myself. How often was he with me? How much hope did he have for my condition?

My _mental_ condition?

I've been doing really well with _him_ lately. Still, there are the moments when I break down in public, like now...and even after the immense relief of the answer I've wanted to hear for so long, I'm _still_ crying.

Come on Ed, knock it off! Those aren't even tears of happiness, you're getting stressed out for no reason!

What if Alphonse _did _see me attempt suicide?

What if he blames all of my pain on himself?

He knows better, doesn't he?

He hugs me more tightly, reminding me that he's still there. I drop my head forward welcomingly against him, lungs spasming weakly as I try to rein in my breathing and even it out.

A sharp twinge of pain assaults my lower back as he _pushes_ on it-

I jump in his arms, feeling a faint thud on the top of my head. Did I hit his chin?

"Don't _touch_ that," I scold weakly, the shaking diminished enough that I can no longer feel it.

"Look I-I don't know where we are but I'm sure you didn't bring me here to-to cry. I'm okay now, I promise." I run the heels of my hands down my face in an attempt to clear away the tears.

He releases me again, leaving me to my thoughts once more. But the white void is brighter now.

I can see Alphonse. I try to imagine his emaciated form free of the gate, happy and healthy again, and still kicking my butt in sparring.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I want to spar with him again. I may never have a chance of winning, even if I _could_ have beaten him before-but I think it would mend my sanity a bit more.

My head is lifted, causing the realization that I'd had it resting in my arms on the table. What can I say? It's comfortable and I feel tired.

Sometimes I forget how much I can exhaust myself just through all of this _stress_.

He moves my hand just enough for me to feel a shift in position, a pressure on my throat moments later. I don't know what he wants; does he expect me to keep talking?

"What do you-"

Taking advantage of my kinesthesia, he mimics me taking something in front of me and putting it to my mouth. He squeezes my hand so tightly that I wince at the pain, but I can feel that he has it in a fist.

Holding something? Am I holding something? I feel nodding, so I must have voiced my thoughts. I have to stop _doing_ that subconsciously.

What am I holding? I try to feel it by squeezing my free hand around it so tightly that it hurts. It's really small and narrow. I don't... It's a utensil, I think. But there's no way I can tell what _kind_.

I mimic the eating motion he'd done minutes ago. This could be either a fork or a spoon. Such differences are lost on me, just another annoying aspect of my disability.

He moves my hand, still clutching the utensil, to my mouth. While I don't know if there's any food on it-I hope there is, it would be pretty embarrassing if I tried to swallow _air_-I attentively open my mouth and close it when my hand stops. Taking a leap of faith, I swallow, but I'm not prepared for how _cold_ the little lump is as it slides down my esophagus.

I yank back in surprise, hand flying to my throat and trailing down my chest, finally landing on my stomach where the cold settles like ice and gives me a chill.

My food at home-even from the refrigerator, is never so cold! Not to mention, it travels faster to my stomach, not trailing a slow line of _ice_ all the way down.

Ice, are you feeding me _ice?_

With his aid, I take another spoonful-forkful-_helping_ of the cold liquid, responding this time to him moving my hand as my cue to open my mouth and swallow the stuff. I shiver as the frigid lump travels down to my stomach.

How I'm still warm through this is beyond me. Unless he has me dressed better than I realize, the walk here _was_ a bit uncomfortably warm.

He moves my hand again, though I'm not sure why because my utensil hand hasn't moved from the table. I can't feel it as he opens my mouth manually but I know he _does_ because he presses on my throat and I swallow, feeling the frosty lump make its way down my throat-

I gasp from the sudden surprise of it _being_ there, because I didn't put it there. He taught me to feed myself the stuff, why would he do it himself?

He moves my hand again and I know what's coming. I turn my head in denial, shaking it just enough to display my refusal.

"You taught me to eat it myself-why are you _feeding_ me?"

He _knows_ I crave independence. I'm always so _devoid_ of it.

So why would he give me freedom and then _deny_ it? Does he delight in seeing my helplessness?

He _did_ fall for an invalid.

I feel the absence of his hand, but I don't move mine. Hell, I must have said _that_ out loud too.

Maybe I'm just reading it wrong. What if he doesn't have a fetish for completely helpless men? He wouldn't have taught me so much if he liked seeing me helpless.

What if he's just being… I swallow a lump in my throat. _Affectionate?_

That might explain my over-analysis. I never was a romantic, and I mistook a simple act of caring as masochism.

I slide my hand forward, finding his rather easily. I happily offer a smile as I take the utensil still in my hand-he must have started with two, the sneaky bastard-and slide it into his in a gesture of approval. Still he makes no move to continue; he can't think I'm feeling guilty, can he?

You _are_ good at that, Edward.

"Go ahead," I encourage. "I'm sorry-I think I-over thought-um, over an-analyzed it. I'm too-too prideful and you were just being-kind, being kind, right?"

It's a slow nod this time, but his hand moves mine and I open my mouth willingly. He moves it back and I close and swallow, almost feeling my head move as he pulls the utensil out.

Oh, that _chill_ again. I shiver as it travels through me, but strangely-it feels wonderful.

Maybe because he's doing it for me, out of love.

I had been sketchy about my feelings before-I admitted my love for how he dedicated himself and cared for me-but now I know for sure.

I love _him_.


	23. Chapter 23

100 reviews and so many favs and follows I'm glad you guys love this story as much as I do! ❤

To answer curiosity, my job is a bit monotonous and allows my mind to roam and much of this story is developed during my 8-hour workday. In between breaks at work and life at home I type it out, so the update speed is simply because I'm an overly imaginative introvert, haha.

You guys don't think the chapters are too short?

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><p>Once Roy had received Ed's approval of being <em>fed<em>, Roy indulged Edward-and himself-in a large bowl of ice cream. He wondered if Ed was enjoying the gesture as much as _he_ was.

Roy felt privileged to watch Ed compliantly take the spoon in his mouth, obliviously sliding his tongue across the bottom before closing and finally swallowing just after Roy pulled the spoon from between his lips.

For Roy, it was a rare treat to watch Ed enjoy anything remotely coddling; to enjoy being taken care of in the light of the fact that he _needed_ someone to take care of him.

As he ate, Ed's expression changed from content to embarrassment, shifted to humor and finally a hopeless smile. It was times like these that Roy wished Ed voiced his thoughts more, despite the stuttering repetition he'd developed; no doubt as a safety mechanism to ensure he voiced all the words he was looking for. He missed those philosophical thoughts that had been replaced by strings of halting questions and apprehensive approximations of his interpretation of reality.

He knew Ed's mind was capable of it and was probably always processing useful information from outside _and_ constantly introspecting; but what he revealed of it was so little. Ed had not only been cut off from sensing the outside world, but he was slowly severing any unnecessary ties to it as well.

He asked less about Winry, and he acted more immature as the days passed. With a few exceptions, he was allowing himself to regress and slip into the role of a child, no longer a tortured man condemned to insanity. Roy was glad for Ed's happiness and comfort, but it tore at him to know that Ed was compromising on so much of his past, and what he could be in the future.

He was interrupted from his thoughts when Ed turned his head away from the next spoonful. Having nearly finished the impressively large portion, he inhaled deeply with a hand on his middle. His shaky exhale was a visible haze of frosty air, revealing the source of the slight trembling that had just begun.

"No-no more please. Cold." Ed crossed his arms as though it would warm him faster.

"Of course." Roy finished off the ice cream as Ed waited patiently, the subtle change in his expressions revealing that he was lost in thought.

In the five minutes it took for Roy to finish the remainder of the dessert, Ed had begun to drift off for a nap. He wondered if Ed did this while he was away at work, slept the day away...

He reached under the table with his foot, knocking it against Ed's right leg. Immediately Ed stiffened to alertness, pulling his feet underneath his chair.

"H-hello?!"

"Only me," Roy assured as he leaned forward to lightly hit Ed's chest.

"Oh, you... Why did you kick-that was a kick right? Why did you kick me?"

"You were falling asleep." Roy tossed the disposable bowl into the refuse bin and quickly returned to Ed, who was reaching around the table in concentration. He took Ed's hands in his own and lifted, signaling for him to stand.

"Are we going home now?" Ed leaned forward and pushed down, but as he rose several inches off the chair, he whipped his hands away from Roy. One flew to his back and the other curled under him on the table surface, supporting his weight as he fell back into the chair with a pained gasp.

"Edward!" Roy pressed his hand gently against Ed's sore back, frowning uneasily. "You shouldn't be having this much pain from just a bruise." Roy tried again to help Ed stand, offering extra support under his arm. He finally relinquished when Ed whined and pleaded for him to stop.

"It hurts too much, I can't-I can't walk home. Go-go get your car-your car, we can ride, it hurts too much to walk." Ed slowly lowered himself into the chair, folding his arms in front of him on the table and resting his chin on them.

"I can't just leave you here," Roy protested. He watched as Ed mixed boredom with a hint of misery on his face. "You're too heavy for me to carry all the way home..." He sighed as he tried to come up with a _way_ to get Ed home.

He could call someone to pick them up! _Duh_. With one last check of Ed, Roy ran outside to the payphone. He used the few coins in his pocket to call first Hawkeye, then Havoc, and finally Fuery.

"How the hell can _none_ of them be home?!" Roy returned to Ed's side, finding that he hadn't moved. He tried to lift Ed's arm, but the man just pulled away and grew argumentative.

"Leave me alone please. I'm waiting for someone."

"Amazing, how you say that perfectly." Roy sighed and pulled Ed's head back, rewarded with recognition in those golden eyes.

"Did you get the car already?" Ed's eyes dulled as he stared at Roy incredulously when he was told _no_. "I told you I can't walk home. I'll-I'll wait for you and the car, I won't leave, I promise."

Against his better judgment, Roy nodded Ed's head and left the small cafe. Though he began with a fast walk, he remembered Ed's penchant for disaster and broke into a run, chiding himself for _listening_ to the naive blond.

* * *

><p>The pain was almost enough to make me cry when I tried to stand. He had to understand, I <em>couldn't<em> go home with him on foot, especially if I couldn't _get_ to my feet.

So I sit here at the table and chair, trying to focus my sixth sense solely for the reason that it doesn't _work_ when I focus.

I don't want to sense anything right now, even if it would be a welcome distraction from the pain as I try to therapeutically stretch my back to work out the awful kink.

I don't want to sense the people around me, the strangers who are watching the blond who had to be taught to eat something he couldn't see and couldn't even _taste_.

The people who watched me break down and sob and need to be consoled and-

Oh hell Edward don't you _dare_ panic now, you have no _reason_ to and he's not here to snap you out of it.

I don't have him. I don't have _her_. I'm sitting alone, in the company of strangers, none who know my true story or the extent of my condition-

He's coming back soon, but I still feel an irrational fear that something will _happen_ on the way and I'll be left to sit here, alone, forever.

Invalid. I am such a goddamn _invalid_.

My self-pity is interrupted by a sudden tapping on my shoulder. Huh? He usually goes for my chest, I can feel that better.

A tug on my arm next, but _toward_ the table. No, this can't be him. I pull my arm away, but before I can say anything in my defense, there's a pressure on my thighs and a sudden squeezing around my ribs. I freeze, resisting the urge to shove away, as we _are_ in a public place and it's very unlikely that I would be attacked here.

"Uhm, h-hello?"

A strange reaction follows. Whoever this is pulls my head forward and lifts my arms up. I feel a weight settled between my hands, and as I remain confused and motionless, I feel a pressure on my neck.

I remember the train ride, where I was taught to drink from a straw. I absentmindedly suck on air and swallow-but a liquid flows down my throat, not air, cold and acidic and _bubbly_. I gasp at the sensation, setting my hands on the table along with the container of caustic liquid between them.

"What-what was that?"

The only answer I receive is another hug from this person before the container in my hands is placed by my mouth again. My stomach doesn't feel all that bad, just a bit _fizzy_, so I chance another sip with the thought that it's only seltzer water. Maybe ginger ale?

My belly grows full rapidly, the fizzy liquid contesting for space with the previously-frozen meal I had been fed. The person who is giving me this drink moves-I realize they're _sitting_ on my lap-and I feel pressure on my stomach and a slight hampering of my breathing. Reaching out, slowly and hesitantly, I'm able to feel a solid form that stops below my head.

There's a kid sitting in my lap, using my chest as a backrest. What the _hell?_

"Hey, who-who are you?"

The diminished weight of the nearly-empty cup leaves my hands as they're placed on...I guess...the kid's head? They run down across the head, move out for the shoulders, and finally stop near my legs as I'm hugged again.

This kind of feels familiar... and if he's not here to show the kid-

"Train," I blurt out in surprise. "Are you the girl-the girl from the train?"

The sudden lessening and deepening of pressure on my lap is confusing and I don't really try to interpret it because it jostles my spine and it _hurts_. The pain must show on my face because she stops and hugs me again, but I assure her that it's not her fault.

"I hurt my back yesterday, at the store." I wrap my arms around her and steady my heavy breathing from the shock of the pain. "It's not-not your fault. Sorry."

Her weight shifts just enough to return the cup to my hands. I smile and thank her, obliging her kindness by finishing the drink until I suck on air. Handing the cup back to her, I find it placed in my hands minutes later-_refilled_.

Oh hell, I don't have _room_ for all of this, but… she's so _nice_ to offer, I can't just refuse…

* * *

><p>Roy had nearly broken several traffic rules in his rush to return to Ed. He could only <em>imagine<em> what had transpired since he left.

Someone had tried to talk to Ed, and discovered that he was handicapped and had taken pictures of him or called the cops.

An off-duty worker had come in and demanded that the seating be opened up to more customers and tried to move Ed, resulting in pain for the blond and a fist to the face for the employee-

Someone who works with the disabled had gone into the store, noticed Ed's condition and how he was _alone_ and took him away.

Roy felt nauseated at just _thinking_ about all of these and more, and Ed wouldn't _know_ what was going on, or to ask for Roy Mustang because he just didn't _know_ yet.

The halting screech of his braking tires helped to snap Roy out of it. He leapt from his car and nearly was hit in the process as he failed to check if any traffic was coming. _Stupid_, he chided himself; y_ou won't do any good to Edward if you're dead_.

Rushing in, he stopped short when he spotted Ed right where he left him.

With Ruby in his lap, being thoughtfully supportive by supplying him with a drink.

Ruby's mom was sitting next to the two, enjoying a small ice cream as her daughter worked on hers in between nurturing Ed. Who, by the look on his face, couldn't take much more of the liquid.

Roy chuckled as he walked forward. Ed was such a sucker for kids and he just couldn't say _no_.

"Ruby, thank you for watching Edward for me," he began, sitting at the table with them. "I had to bring the car to take him home. I hope he didn't cause any trouble while I was gone."

"Nuh-uh, he's been really good! And he figured out who I was!" She beamed happily, relief on Ed's face when the weight of the cup left his hands and Ruby's attention shifted to her ice cream.

"You must have done a good job communicating with him." Roy ruffled her hair, earning a giggle. "And you even got him a drink, too. What did you get him?"

"Soda!" She cheered proudly. "Everyone loves soda!"

Roy would have groaned, had it not been for Ruby's innocent intentions. Roy had been feeding Ed smoothies of fruits, vegetables and powdered vitamins.

With a bowl of ice cream and all of that soda, Ed was in for a hell of a sugar rush and _crash_.

"That's very thoughtful of you. Is that his first cup?"

"Nuh-uh, its his second and it's almost gone."

"I think he might not be able to finish what's left. He had an awfully big bowl of ice cream before you arrived, and he looks very full."

"Ohhhh." Ruby nodded slowly, sitting forward to look at the bloat that was hidden by his hoodie, but she could see under his shirt as she peeked. "So...there's an ice-cream float in his belly!"

Both Roy and her mother laughed at her revelation. It was all too true.

"I suppose so. Thank you for taking care of him for me."

"Of course Mister Roy!" Ruby slid off Ed's lap, taking the empty seat next to her mother to finally eat her melting ice cream.

"Huh? Did-did you leave?"

Roy tapped Ed's chest, lifting his chin. The golden eyes widened, glancing around jerkily as he broke into a grin. "You're back! With the car I-I hope?"

_Nod_.

"Thank goodness. Help-help me-help me up." Ed placed his hands on the table to push, aided by Roy's support around his ribs. Standing was slow and Ed needed pause in between progress, but he was soon to his feet, if not panting from the pain.

"That's it, I'm taking you to a doctor, no way this is just a minor injury." Roy thanked Ruby and her mother Kathy before aiding the limping Ed to the car and carefully, slowly settling him inside.

"Ho-home now right?"

"Yeah."


	24. Chapter 24

Gosh guys, I never wrote Dr. Knox before, I hope I do him justice!

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><p>From the car to the door took them ten minutes to traverse the short distance, but the kink seemed to loosen on the way in. Ed could walk unaided once they reached the front door, though still with a noticeable limp. He surprised Roy as his trajectory veered suddenly and rushed as quickly as he could to the bathroom, Roy reminded of all the <em>soda<em> he'd consumed as well as this being his first bathroom trip in hours.

He curiously followed, only to find Ed holding his lower back gingerly as he tried to position himself standing and facing the toilet.

"Ed? That's not how you..." He walked forward to assist when he realized that Ed was in too much pain to _sit_ on the toilet. Reaching around to the front, he helped Ed aim for the bowl, glancing down to see a blush forming on the blond's cheeks. "Don't be embarrassed. You know I've-"

"Thank you," Ed muttered, proceeding to urinate, the blush only deepening as he continued. Deep in thought, he lost his balance and fell back against Roy, luckily finishing _just_ before he could decorate the bathroom.

"If you wanted a hug, all you had to do was-"

Ed yelled out in frustration and shoved away from Roy, over-correcting his balance and landing on his bare ass as a result. The pain coursed through him from the sudden jarring and he _screamed_ before falling to his side and curling up in a shaking ball, erratic gasping indicating either lingering pain or panic-though Roy wasn't sure which.

He knelt down by Ed to comfort and help him, but as soon as he moved Ed's arm he was backhanded roughly.

"I don't want your goddamn _pity!_"

"It's not pity, you idiot, it's help." Roy tried once more to help the blond, but he wasn't offered a third chance because Ed swung his fist, connecting with Roy's skull hard enough to knock him out instantaneously.

They both lay on the floor, Ed slowly calming in the ignorance of what he'd done to Roy. He eventually, very slowly and sorely, sat himself up and sighed raggedly.

"I'm...I'm sorry. I don't know how you put up with me..." He felt around as his words earned only silence, beginning to think he'd been abandoned...until he felt the large form that was never there before. The _body_.

* * *

><p>Roy awoke to a throbbing in his left temple. He vaguely remembered yelling before being hit... Oh right, that was standard procedure with Edward.<p>

Only, didn't that whole thing happen in the _bathroom?_

Roy heard steady breathing near his head. Ignoring the throbbing, he turned to see Ed asleep on the couch, tear stains on his cheeks indicating that he had been awake not too long ago. Further inspection revealed that not only had they both moved to the living room, but Roy was on the floor next to the couch.

Even with Ed's injured back, he had dragged Roy out to the living room with him before climbing onto the sofa.

Were the tears from pain?

He hadn't been crying over punching _Roy_, had he?

"You never cease to amaze me," Roy murmured as he stood to make a phone call. He only hoped that, on a Saturday, he would be able to reach-

"Evening."

"Knox, good after-wait, evening?" Roy turned to the window to see the autumn sun setting the sky ablaze with a rainbow of color. He almost didn't process Knox's next words as the brilliance caught him off guard.

"You don't even know what time it is? Did you sleep half the day away? I thought your Lieutenant warned you about late nights on the weekends."

"No," Roy replied with a chuckle. "Before I was knocked unconscious, it _was_ afternoon."

"What did you get into a fight over this time?" Knox muttered, sounding all too familiar with Roy's habits.

"Bathroom etiquette, apparently." He turned his gaze to the sky again, guilty with the knowledge that Ed would never see it. "I called to ask if you'd make a house call."

"Were you hit _that_ hard?"

"No. I actually have someone here with a possible back injury, and moving him proves to be very painful. I don't want to aggravate his injury any further. Or give him reason to punch me _again_."

"So you want _me_ to be on the receiving end," Knox grumbled into the line. "I'll be over soon."

"Thank you."

* * *

><p>With a glance at the still-napping Edward, Roy answered the knock at the door. Knox entered with his trade bag at his side, easily spotting Ed on the couch.<p>

"Edward Elric?" Knox stepped forward curiously. "He's the one you called me for?"

"Yeah." Roy lifted Ed's arm and gave it a light shake, trying to awaken Ed without jostling his back. "We were at the store and a pile of canned food fell on him. The heaviest one landed right on his lower back."

"I'm surprised you convinced him to go shopping with you. I remember how hot-tempered this kid was."

"Honestly…" Roy sighed and sat on the couch, releasing Ed's arm when the blond continued sleeping. "There's something I haven't told you yet."

Knox raised a brow, glancing between the two. "Don't tell me he's gay?"

"Well, I-wait, you question that _he's_ not but you don't question about _me?_"

"Roy, I worked alongside you enough to see it. I can tell you like men _and_ women."

Roy's jaw dropped as he was outed. "But-but even _I_ didn't-I mean-"

"Relax, I never held it against you or anything. Your life, your business."

"Well… that's actually not what I wanted to tell you about." Roy pressed a hand gently to the sore spot on Ed's back, receiving no response. "When he brought his brother back from the gate, Ed sacrificed his five senses. He can't hear, see, feel, or taste or smell anything."

It was Knox's turn to go slack-jawed as the news. He stared at Ed for only a moment before turning to Roy. "This isn't some kind of joke, is it?"

"I only wish it were." Roy pressed harder, earning Ed's attention as he woke with a start and a pained gasp. Golden eyes searched haphazardly as fear overtook the pain on his face.

"Are-are you-" he ducked his head, breathing quickening as he slipped into a sudden panic.

"Hey, relax." Roy tapped on Ed's chest, frowning when he only broke into choked sobs.

"You're-you're gonna-leave me-leave me I-I'm sorry-" He gasped sharply, clutching at the cushion on the couch as he shook terribly. "All I do is-is fight back and-I'm so ob-obs-stin-nate-"

Despite Ed's claim, he didn't fight when Roy pulled him into a comforting hug. He tugged Ed's ponytail from side to side, telling him that he was _dead_ wrong.

"But you-you do so much for me and-and I-" his words devolved into unintelligible speech as he gasped on air, hands in fists so tight that he could painfully feel them. He only came out of it as Roy knocked the air right out of him with a punch to the chest. With pathetic wheezing breaths, the spasming abated and he slowly returned to reality.

"You weren't joking," Knox murmured. "How is he able to feel when you hit him?"

"The same way he can feel the pain in his back. I read up on the lesser-known senses of the body. Are you familiar with proprioception and interoception?"

"His five main senses were all that were taken?" Knox nodded slowly. "So he has somatic and visceral pain?"

"Yes. As well as thermoception. He can't taste what he eats or drinks, but he can feel the temperature of it."

"And balance?"

"Precarious due to the loss of his sight and his leg being made of automail, but he does manage to get around."

"Until a can falls on his back." Knox sighed as Roy carefully laid Edward onto his stomach, though not without questioning.

"On-on my side, it-it hurts less on my side. Hey, I-I said my side. Am-am I saying it right?" He received a nod, but chose to trust Roy's judgement and remain silent.

"I won't say he'll be cooperative while you examine him, but I'll try to keep him under control."

"Thank you for the reassurance," Knox replied sardonically. "Just hold him steady and keep him calm."

Roy pulled Ed's arms forward and tapped the hands against his chest, letting Ed know where he was. Unfortunately, this resulted in unease and confusion when he felt a slight twinge at his spine where Roy couldn't _possibly_ reach.

"Who-who's there? Are you alone?"

_No_.

"Are they touching my-" his breath hitched as Knox's hands trailed along the spine, just missing the pain. "My back," he panted; "don't let them-my back, no, it's gonna-" He jerked as Knox increased pressure around the area to discover the extent and severity of the injury. "Make them stop!"

"Roy, hold him still!"

"I'll hold his arms, you sit on his legs."

"I'm getting too old for this," Knox growled, pinning Ed's legs as Roy kept a firm grasp of Ed's wrists.

"Can you make this quick?" Roy requested as he realized Ed could feel the sudden weight on his legs. "You saw how he panics, and the longer-"

"Nearly done." Knox continued his inspection, earning pained gasps and fearful struggling from the restrained man. "It seems-"

"Please, please stop," Ed wheezed, escape efforts hampered by the debilitating pain. "Just let me go, I-I didn't mean-please, _please!_"

"Knox, are you done?!"

"Almost! This would be easier if he would keep still!"

"We can't just _tell_ him-"

"_Dammit_ just give me a _break!_" Ed cried, tearing his hands away from Roy. Rather than try to fight Knox, he grasped his head as though it would help him bear the pain. "Just a few...minutes," he pleaded. "I can't... I can't escape pain...you at least have-have eyes and I-I'm trapped-_please_..."

"That's not an unreasonable request." Knox released his hold on the shaking blond, pressing reassuringly on Ed's upper back until the shaking had dissolved into relaxed but quivering breathing.

"Have you finished?" Roy remained on his knees near Ed's head, staring at the sheen of sweat on his pale skin.

"I've examined enough to see that I can't cure him. The pain will eventually resolve itself, though he'll need to see a spinal specialist to realign his spine."

"He's going to need _surgery?_" Roy spluttered in horror.

"Surgery?" Knox laughed loudly. "Nothing so severe. I'm just not studied enough in chiropractic to treat him."

"You're kidding; he just needs to see a _chiropractor?_"

"Once his pain dissipates enough for him to move around without difficulty, yes. I'll prescribe him some painkillers to ease his healing, but you have to watch him and make sure he's not straining himself. I know you're both equally stubborn, so you shouldn't have a problem."

"Understood." Roy sighed in relief. "Thank you for coming over on such short notice."

"Of course. Keep me updated on his condition, will ya? He's a good kid."

"Yeah."

Roy saw Knox out, returning to Ed with the bottle of pain meds in his hand. He sighed and sat in the little room next to Ed on the couch, gently rolling his knuckles across Ed's uninjured vertebrae to relax him. He paused as the muscles tightened under his touch when his hands grew near to the tender spot.

"I… okay, I-I'm ready…"

"I'm not going to hurt you, Edward." Roy worked around the spot, purposefully avoiding any source of pain. He abandoned the task only for a moment to answer Ed's question.

"Y-you're not gonna touch-touch it anymore?"

_No_.

Ed's entire body shuddered as he relaxed completely, taking Roy's word for fact. He crossed his arms comfortably under his head as though the whole ordeal earlier hadn't even happened and even released a moan of pleasure as his tense muscles were worked over by strong hands.

"Where were you after sparring," Ed murmured, catching Roy off guard. "Hell I would have hired you full time…"

"You were just too young for me," Roy joked. "I don't suppose I'm getting out of doing this daily for you now, though." He pulled away, tossing the light blanket over Ed's bare back to prepare a pain-relief drink for him.

"Nobody told you to stop," Ed said with a chuckle, turning his head to the side as his eyes fluttered open. "Why'dya leave? Can't I at least have snuggles…"

"If he could only hear himself," Roy sighed. He was quick to crush the pill and add it to a smoothie, only mildly surprised when Ed was not only able to hold the cup with one hand, but drink it while still horizontal. "Were you this lazy before you hurt your back?"

Naturally, he received no answer as the smoothie was practically _inhaled_. Had the ice cream and soda already digested so quickly?

Then again, Ed _had_ knocked him unconscious for several hours.

"You're a rough one, Fullmetal." Roy carefully and slowly lifted Ed to his feet, despite grunts of pain and protest.

"Come onnnn I was so _relaxed_. Where are we going-um, going now?" He quickly figured it out as they approached the stairs. Ed took two hesitant steps up before stopping, panting from pain despite Roy's support and the pain medication. "I can't-I can't-_hell_," he hissed, hanging his head forward. "I think I.. I'll have to sleep down-down here tonight…"

"Not a chance, Edward." Roy positioned himself in front of Ed, pulled the blond's arms across his chest, and lifted Ed onto his back with his arms supporting Ed's thighs. One flesh leg and one automail tensed, mirroring the arms that gripped manically for support.

"What-what th-the hell a-are you-!" Ed let out a strained whine, huffing indignantly when he realized that he was indeed balanced safely and wouldn't fall. "S-sadist," he grumbled. "Warn a-a guy before you d-do that."

"My mistake." Roy climbed the stairs, not wanting to deny Ed the snuggles he had asked for.


	25. Chapter 25

The past week kind of flew by in a haze. The day he found a… _treatment_ for my back pain… that must have been Saturday, because he didn't leave me that day or the next.

What's the date, anyway?

I wonder what _year_ it is.

I don't even know the month!

Or the season.

_Giggle_.

I swear he has me drugged. I've been feeling so _loopy_ lately. My balance is shot, my thoughts are so chaotic, I… I feel stupid happy all the time.

But there's not much pain, so I don't really care.

To hell with co… um, coherency. _Haha_.

The pain is gone, and he pampers me as soon as I get home!

I mean, as soon as _he_ gets home.

_Snicker_.

He rubs my back at night. He rubs it whenever I ask him to! Maybe he's spoiling me. Maybe I'm being too needy. But holy _hell_ it feels good.

I don't think I would ask him so much if I wasn't feeling so..._affected_. Yeah, I think that's the right word. That's another word for _drugged_, right? Kinda?

My brain is shot, I swear.

But the pain is gone!

Oh, sore, I need more. I make my way to the kitchen-oh hell, balance is off, I missed the doorway, walked into the wall-and _laugh_ stupidly before feeling along the wall and making my way to the fridge.

I've figured out his little game. He puts the drugs _in_ my drinks.

Did he think I wouldn't figure it out because I'm _blind?_

Unfortunately, he's going to notice that I drank a few extra _meals_ today. I'm just trying to stave off any chance of pain. Like what I have now. It's not strong, I… hm. I don't feel it now. I twist and press on the spot, but it's still gone.

Did I _imagine_ the pain?

Oh hell, an ounce of prevention, right? Bottoms up!

And my legs indeed fly out from under me as I lose balance, dropping me with a sudden stop right on my ass. I expect the lightning strike of pain to course through me, but all I feel is a small twinge. I giggle gleefully at the deadened pain before sucking down the drink, realizing when I'm finished that I'm laying flat on the kitchen floor.

Too comfy to get up, I tell myself. Too content. I think too dizzy, too. How dizzy? I don't have eyes or ears to make that..._perception_, do I?

Guess dizzy and balance go hand in hand. Come on Ed, you're not that drugged that you can't figure that out.

I have a feeling that I'm blabbering nonsense. I don't care, nobody is around to hear me anyway.

Wait, what's that-

Relax Ed, nobody's _home_.

However, my sudden gut _feeling_ did in fact prove to be real and not just the smoothie digesting. I feel myself being sat up and my shoulders shaken, but I just snicker stupidly.

"Heyyy, I am happy to an-nounce that I am _pain-free!_" I begin laughing, totally ignoring when he tries to pull me to my feet.

Why get _up?_ It's perfectly comfy down here. Horizontally. Well I am half-vertical now, right? I laugh again, despite him shaking my shoulders to get my attention.

I barely register as he lifts me to my feet, or as we begin walking out of the kitchen. Honestly, I think I'm doing more _stumbling_ than walking, but he's here to catch me.

I find myself suddenly horizontal again, but the motion was so _sudden_ that either I tripped or…

I'm on the couch.

He didn't _shove_ me onto the couch, did he?

"Join me," I say stupidly, lifting my arms invitingly. He shoves them down next to me, not giving me a kiss or _anything_. How rude.

I kind of feel an inhibition called _pride_. It's telling me to stop acting so dumb.

But that's no _fun!_

"Come on, can't we have… have _snuggles?_"

There's no response, so I get up. I fall right back down as my balance gives out, but something else is wrong-I grab desperately at the floor.

"My leg," I gasp; my left leg! "Where is my leg?!"

* * *

><p>Roy dropped his kitchen project to return to Edward's side-the man was being so much <em>trouble<em> today-only to find him floundering helplessly on the floor with distress on his face.

"My leg," Ed cried again. "I can't feel my _leg!_"

Roy sighed in exasperation as he rolled Edward onto his back, guided Ed's hands to the automail and had him hit it repeatedly.

"My-my leg-" Ed trailed off as realization dawned on his face. The stoned look in his eyes never left as he snickered. "Oops. It's metal!"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," Roy moaned. He dragged Ed back to the couch and unceremoniously tossed him onto it _again_, leaving for the kitchen.

"I thought you would know better than to take so _much_ of the stuff," he muttered. He glanced into the sink to find _double_ the usual cups from the day. "You are such an idiot; you can overdose from those pills!"

_Who am I fooling_, Roy thought to himself. _I shouldn't have left them so readily accessible. Especially for how much pain he's had lately…_

"...Amestris has the finest military _brass_, and the state alchemists gonna kick your _ass!_" Ed's horrid off-key singing filtered into the kitchen, followed by fits of stupid giggles and then a _thump_ as he likely fell off the couch.

Roy had been resisting. He really had. But he couldn't help his reaction and did a _complete _facepalm.

He ignored Ed's drugged antics as he moved the few remaining med smoothies to the bottom shelf and prepared a few fresh _clean_ ones for the night and following morning. Having become rather adept at the art of smoothies, he was finished in no time flat.

He walked through the living room on his way to his office, detouring only to lift the sleeping Ed back onto the couch for a _third_ time.

Dialing the familiar number, Roy leaned back and lazily placed his feet on his desk. He smiled as the cheerful voice came through the line.

"Rockbell Automail, Winry speaking!"

"Good evening, Winry. How are things in Risembool?"

"Oh, Roy! Really good, actually. Business is great! How about you? How are you and Ed doing?"

"You know Edward," Roy replied with an amused sigh. "Trouble finds _him_."

"What happened?"

"Just a small accident where he hurt his back. He's feeling better, but he managed to get hold of some extra pain medication, and well… he's acting like a drunken idiot. I've solved the problem and it won't happen tomorrow."

"Geez. He never gave himself a chance to abuse pain pills, even during automail surgery. Why is he doing it now?"

"For a few days, he could barely walk. I imagine he thinks the meds are a cure. Besides getting up and moving around, he doesn't have all that much freedom, so he's just trying to retain what normality he has."

"I suppose you're right."

"How is Alphonse?"

"Oh. He actually just got back from Xing yesterday."

Roy could hear the mix of relief and disappointment in her voice. "Still no answers, then?"

"Unfortunately, nothing from the East. He really thought he would find an answer…"

"I'm worried that this might be permanent. Ed hasn't mentioned once about any cure or answer to getting his senses back, so… he must already know."

"But for him to have to _live_ like that for the rest of his life…"

"It really isn't fair." He frowned. "I think a visit from his mechanic and his brother would cheer him up, though. Business isn't too much for you to take a break and visit Central, is it?"

"Of course not. Can we expect Ed to be on good behavior by then?" She giggled.

"Of course. I'll make sure of it." He hung up after goodbyes and returned to the living room to find Ed laying with his back on the floor and his legs on the couch. He was still asleep, though Roy had _never_ seen anyone fall into that position before. He lifted Ed with ease, sliding himself underneath the blond and wrapping his arms around him protectively. He received a faceful of hair as Ed shifted his weight and scooted up just a bit to stretch his spine.

_Groan_.

* * *

><p>My breakfast didn't have any medication in it. I could tell because my back was bothering me and I didn't feel the fogged <em>bliss<em>. I think I asked for some and complained, maybe with a bit of exaggeration, about the pain.

It's really not that _bad_, just a dull ache, but for the past few days I didn't have _any_ and it was really nice.

I wander to the fridge and reach in, trying to find another cup. Unfortunately, I feel myself pulled back and turned away from the fridge.

What-is he trying to _limit_ me? Come on, I need pain relief!

_No_.

Oh hell, did I say that out loud? Knock it off, Edward!

"Come on, just-just a little bit?"

_No_.

"Well that's just _fine_ for _you_, you don't have any back pain!"

He pulls me to him for a kiss, the _nerve_, and I lift my arm to smack him away-but I lower it when I realize how unpleasantly _reactive_ I'd been lately. I just sigh into the kiss, wrapping my arms around him obediently. I feel him pull away immediately, but I just step forward and squeeze around his middle once more.

"Sorry. I… I know I'm an ass-asshole. People used to tell me all the-all the time. I-I don't want to be selfish, um, selfish. Because I really do love-" My breath hitches as my mind holds me back. I can't… I can't tell him the _truth_ because I still don't know his name, and he might think… I'm just certifiably insane, or only in this for the dependency. "I love-that you care for me...enough to do ev-everything you do. Thank-thank you."

His arms wrap around me and he holds me inescapably tightly, though it doesn't last long and I'm free again. Before I can dejectedly return to the couch, he takes my arm and leads me to the front door.

"Out, are we going out?"

_Nod_.

"Not for very long-very long, my back still hurts a-a little. I might get-" I silence myself before I can pitifully admit to _tiring_ easily. Stop being a baby, Ed; _live_ a little.

He puts my coat on-I've figured out that's why he dresses me before we leave-and leads me out the front door.

Our walk actually _is_ fairly far, leading around a lot of turns and pauses which I assume is crossing the street. I shudder as I imagine getting _lost_ in this city and trying to find my way back home. Maybe I would try to get his address.

Hah, _how_, Edward?

Well, I don't know, hit me for the numbers…

And the street name?

We could… figure out…

You'd never know if you had it right. Just enjoy being his toy doll, will you?

I hang my head as we walk, obediently following his lead. I ignore the sense that someone else is _next_ to me and trying to get my attention and just follow him, knowing that these stupid little moments could never make me _whole_ again.

* * *

><p>He hadn't missed it. Roy had <em>seen<em> that look of recognition on Ed's face when Elicia Hughes ran up to them to talk to them. He just didn't expect Ed to ignore the sixth sense and close his eyes as he pushed on to keep walking.

Roy stopped him long enough to explain to Elicia that Ed couldn't hear or see her, catching her off guard. She rushed Ed to give him a hug when she heard the news.

"Who…" Ed trailed off with a frown, pulling away from her slowly. "I don't-sorry, I don't want-want to be… out right now."

"Ed?" Roy gave his arm a shake, not expecting when Ed yanked it away and stumbled a few steps to the side.

"Why-why do you always bring me out-out into _public?_ Do-do you _like_ letting people see-see me like this?"

Roy took Ed's arms firmly in his grasp, but Ed freed himself easily. With a quick shove, Ed put distance between the both of them, knocking himself on his rear from the loss of balance. Roy watched Ed and waited for the man to calm and return to his senses-how ironic of a phrase was _that_-but instead he saw the sadness in those golden eyes replaced by sudden fear.

"No, no, h-hell, I don't… hey, are you okay? Are you there?! Oh no, no I can't, I don't know my way…" Ed crawled to his knees, feeling around blindly in front of him as his breathing quickened. "Please-please, are-are you…"

"I'm right here Edward," Roy said sadly, lifting Ed's head by the chin. His heart sunk as immeasurable relief flooded the glistening, jerky eyes and Ed reached forward to find Roy's hand.

"I-I'm sorry I-I just-" He stuttered pathetically as he stood again with Roy's help, burying himself in the man's chest with an astounding lack of pride. "I-I can't-I don't-I'm s-sorry, please don't-I mean-w-we can go-go now…"

"I'm sorry Elicia, we-"

"I understand. It was good to see you two again." She smiled and waved to the both of them as Roy led the shaking Edward down the sidewalk.

* * *

><p>I miss my senses. I miss being able to care for myself, knowing where I am and what I'm doing. I miss <em>talking<em> to people.

This thing with the gravity on my limbs and the hot and cold with my organs... well, it's just not _enough!_ And that sixth sense only gives me a bare clue, but I never know if it's friend or foe, it's so _useless_.

Like the Colonel in rain.

But he at least has hearing and touch and taste and smell. I envy him right now. I would gladly be blind the rest of my life if I could have my other senses.

I'm stripped of _all_ of them.

I don't know where I live.

I don't know who I live _with_.

And yet I love him.

How _fucked up_ am I?

Is it selfish of me to want my old life back? To be able to _know_ for sure who I'm talking to?

To be _able_ to talk to them, hold a conversation?

I know I can be a grump, but I'm a social person. I _need_ interaction. I'm not some damned bookworm introvert-not that I'm knocking that, Sczieska is pretty awesome in her own right, but I just… _need_ more than this.

I tell myself it's okay, that I'll adjust. I take another baby step and learn something new, sure. But it all comes back down to, no matter _what_, I can't feed myself, bathe myself, even find my own way. Without the care of another, I would slowly die.

So what's the point of _trying?_

We're still walking. My back doesn't really hurt, but I'm starting to feel tired. Honestly, why are we _walking?_ Is it part of my _therapy?_

Bring the invalid out where he could get lost and die.

Or walk into traffic and die.

Fall into a sewer manhole and die.

Why do I keep on _living?_

I slither my free arm around the one he holds my wrist with, hanging onto his arm as though we were dangling off a cliff and not safe on pavement.

I have a lot of reasons to not want to live. There are just as many ways that I could die from being in this state.

Somehow, after all of this time, I'm still alive. I'm still scrambling through, surviving, clutching at life.

I guess I sometimes forget… Alphonse and I, we always had people behind us, supporting us in our journey. Without them all, we never would have made it or have saved the country.

Now, _he_ supports me. Despite how easily I get angry, frustrated or panicky, he's _always_ there for me to take away my pain, or take a punch.

I don't know if he sees potential in me. I don't think there's much I can contribute to the world in my state. Maybe there's a _reason_ that I've survived this long, though.

Maybe the gatekeeper, maybe Truth, maybe _God_ sees something in me and keeps me going.

Or continues my torment with the evergrin of his.

If I've made it this far, gone this long with this _little_, then I can keep going, dammit. If he's willing to support me and teach me and _love_ me, then I'll take this tattered reality and turn it into something beautiful.

For everyone who backed my brother and I in trying to get our bodies back…

I owe them that much.


	26. Chapter 26

_To Secret __Companion_-Correct! Roy's rendezvous with the gate was a bit accidental, but Ed traded himself to pull Alphonse (and his soul) out, so Truth's keeping _those_ trading cards.

I also apologize for the bit at the end. I couldn't resist.

* * *

><p>When we finally reach our destination, he lets me sit down for a little while to relax. I don't want to appear weak, but honestly, I've been a bit <em>lazy<em> and incapacitated this past week and our two or whatever mile walk kind of kicked my butt. I sit back and steady my breathing and heartbeat with ease, missing my old stamina from my old _life_.

I tell him I'm ready, but we remain sitting. I wonder if he thinks I'm just being eager, so I try to convince him that I really am ready. His response is a subtle _No_.

Oh. Maybe we're waiting for someone.

I reach out for his hand, searching for my anchor to safety in this large and dangerous world, and pull it to my lap comfortingly. Feeling completely at ease, I slip off to my fantasy world of white to dream of happy times and visions of beauty that I'll never see again.

I don't need sight, as long as I have him. He sees the world for me. He sees more than I ever could, sees what my life can _be_ and makes it so.

Without him, I might still be in that recliner without any clue of its extra function, or how to escape. I'd have no strength to move, I wouldn't know the comfort of the rails or that I was able to navigate an entire _home_ by myself.

He's tapping my chest. He moves my hands with his own, cueing me to stand.

"Oh good we're going-going now."

I miss the medicated drink as we stand, though the light twinge is hardly the debilitating pain it was a week ago. It's just enough for me to take a few baby steps before my speed picks up and we're moving, though our path unfortunately winds around a maze of hallways and walls and I nearly trip as something suddenly appears in my path.

My breath remains even and steady as I grip him with absolute trust, though I'd be lying to say this blind and chaotic navigation has become natural or easy for me.

We stop moving and I _feel_ myself relax. For as little as I use clues from my muscles compared to my bones and joints, I'm surprised to feel a buildup of tension in them suddenly _dissolve_.

He lays me down on my stomach just as he had done with the initial..._examination_. The day that I was forced to endure constant pain, treated like a test subject as they pushed on my agonizingly tender spine and muscles-

I come out of the memory to find myself gasping in fear, shaking under his supportive touch. Just the memory of the pain is enough to feel it shooting through me, causing phantom lancing and unnecessary panic.

Though his hands are holding mine, I feel a second set move to my back. I immediately jerk away in fear of the last time this happened, my breath hitching as I cry out.

Come on Edward! He didn't hurt you. Return to reality, steady your breathing, _relax_. Give it a chance.

The hands touch me again, pressing into my upper back. I twitch in reflex but force myself to remain in place and _calm_ my erratic breathing.

There's a low thrum deep in my throat as I try to apologize for my irrational fear. The only response I'm given is a soothing rub along the muscles next to my spine. It's enough to relax me before they continue poking and prodding and I guess... _inspecting_ me.

Diagnosing me?

"Doctor?"

My revelation proves true as my head is nodded gently. I realize I should have figured this out a week ago, but... I _have_ had a sketchy life so far. Though I should know better that he wouldn't let anyone hurt me.

_Whoa!_ Hey, _hey!_

What was _that?!_

Though unexpected, the sudden crack and pop of my spine as he jerked my body _did_ feel good. I exhale shakily and relax, feeling him oblige in a different location as I speak.

"Do...that _again_."

I feel a series of soothing cracks and snapping in my joints and neck and more in my back, and by the end my hands slip out of his and _dangle_ off of this..._table_ of the doctor's. I feel him begin to lift and turn me, but I groan and try to pull away.

"Go away. Too comfy."

A sudden feeling deep in my _rear_ gets me moving. He grabbed my _ass!_

I shoot to my feet, imagining how red my face must be as I cross my arms indignantly.

"I-I'd tell you to kiss it but you might like-_like_ that."

He hugs me before leading me out of the room. I wonder if he laughed at my comment.

_Smartass_.

* * *

><p>Shortly after leaving the chiropractor's office, Ed's walking became slow and sluggish and he stopped with a whine.<p>

"Hey. Hey, I-I need to _go_."

"Go? To the _bathroom?_" Roy sighed in exasperation. "And you let me know _after_ we leave. You're worse than a kid…"

"Are-are we near a bath-a bathroom?" Ed tugged lightly on Roy's arm, golden eyes searching curiously.

"Well, we _were_…" Roy paused to gaze at the buildings around them. He spotted a small restaurant and led Edward in, finding the bathroom easily and making sure the seat was clean before allowing the blond to use the toilet.

Not the most pleasant part of their day, but at least it's better than panicking at the chiropractor's office. Luckily, Ed's doctor had been rather patient and understanding of his condition.

Flushing and washing up rather well for such a lack of external sensory abilities, Ed exited the bathroom with Roy. He stopped immediately, sighing before speaking with an apologetic expression.

"We-we're kinda far from home and-and I-I'm hungry."

"Good thing we stopped in a restaurant, then." Roy gently nodded Ed's head before leading him to a table.

"Are-are we at that frozen food place? Where I met the girl-the girl from the train?"

_No_.

"Oh." Ed slouched in his seat a bit. "Too bad. I like her."

"Me too." Roy gave their waitress a winning smile as she walked up, asking for coffee for them both to start. As soon as it arrived, Roy stuck a straw in Ed's and placed the cup into his hands, wisely supervising as Ed took a sip and nearly dropped it from shock.

"_Ah!_ It's so _hot!_"

"Hot coffee usually is." That _was_ a bit unfair, as Ed couldn't well have been warned beforehand. "Let it cool a bit fir-"

"You're a dick," Ed blurted, pushing the cup away. "Giving me something that damn hot."

Roy just smiled and stirred the coffee, hoping to cool it quicker. A glance revealed an older woman and her husband curiously watching them. They spotted Roy's gaze and began to turn away, but stopped as Ed spoke.

"Hey, I said I was hungry and-and whatever you gave me isn't-it's not enough. You know I-I have a big appetite."

"And mouth," Roy murmured quietly, diplomatically ignoring the nosy elderly couple. He reached forward to press on Ed's stomach, earning an adorably indignant whine.

"Yeah it-it's still empty! Fill it!"

"Soon, Edward." Roy flagged their waitress so he could order. He chose a simple dish of pasta for himself and a creamy bowl of hot soup for Ed, requesting nothing solid in the soup. "You understand, my friend can't have solid food."

"Oh uh... Yeah, sure. I'll tell the cook."

"Thank you." As she left, he tested the coffee again, finding it cool enough to feed to Ed without burning him.

"Thank you," Ed murmured as Roy placed the cup into his hands. Though Ed didn't have the best grip for holding things, he had an iron grip on the mug as he sucked the coffee down in record time. "It's… warm. You always feed-feed me cold, but.." He trailed off with a content smile. "I-I like it."

"Then you'll love the soup." Roy held up his unopened straw and a spoon, sighing as he tried to decide which to give to Ed. Though he had eaten ice cream with a spoon, the ice cream remained solid and stuck to the utensil. One minor tilt and the soup would spill back into the bowl...or onto Ed.

He finally decided to try the spoon. If Ed wasn't getting enough into his mouth for each helping, surely he'd figure out _why_ and prefer the alternative.

He placed the utensil in Ed's hand, squeezing until he saw a wince on Ed's face. He understood the cue and hit the utensil with his other hand a few times, _examining_ it.

"Fork or spoon right?"

_Nod_.

"Um… spoon?"

_Nod_.

"See, I… I say spoon. And I-I think I'm saying the word I want. But maybe my mind mixes it up with _fork_… and I don't know-know because I can't _hear_ it." Ed finally admitted something that had been holding him back from guessing the outside world further. He set the spoon on the table, sighing. "Maybe more-more clues. A fork has tines-has _tines_ and they're _sharp_. You poke s-someone with it. And a spoon… um…you… oh how the _hell_ do we dep-depict that with my _limited_ s-sensation…"

Roy took Ed's fist, lifted it, and brought it forcefully down onto Ed's thigh. Feeling the slight tremor in his leg, Ed jumped with a start, calming when Roy shook his head for _no_. Ed began to stutter out a confused response, quieting when Roy moved his hand to drop the phantom fork and pick up the spoon and then _nod_ his head.

Focused confusion was clear in his knitted brows and eyes that twitched back and forth, Roy smiling when Ed unwittingly mouthed unspoken words as his mind _whirred_.

"...Stab...fork? No fork, yes spoon, is-is that what you meant?"

Roy leaned forward to reward Ed with a hug. _Genius. Kid is a goddamn genius._

_Yes_.

"No _way_, I got it!" Ed's eyes lit up and his face broke into a huge grin. "So that-that means I didn't mix-mix up the-the words! Right? Did I mix them up?"

_No_.

"So I-I've been saying the right w-words after all!" He had a shit-faced grin as he eagerly clutched the spoon. "Take that you gate-gate bastard!"

Roy let out a loud laugh, quieting apologetically as the waitress appeared with their order.

"Thank you. No solids in his soup?"

"There shouldn't be, sir. The cook, he, well… I ran the soup through a blender just to make sure." She glanced nervously at Ed. "That's all right sir, isn't it?"

Just as Roy opened his mouth, Ed turned his head toward her and actually looked _up_, squinting confusedly. After a moment's pause, he spoke, earning both pride and a facepalm from Roy.

"Food?"

"How he's doing that I'll never know," Roy muttered, taking the bowl from her. "That will be fine ma'am, thank you."

"Of course, sir. I'll be by in case you need anything!"

Once she walked off, Roy guided Ed's hand to the soup and stirred it to cool it to drinking temperature. He released his grasp, glad to see the stirring continue as Roy ate a bit of his own pasta.

"Am I-am I making my own food?"

_No_.

"It has to be mixed-mixed together?"

_Yes_.

"Oh." Ed paused in mixing before resuming. "Almost done? I'm hungry."

"Yes, Ed." Roy tested the soup _just_ to be sure, halting the stirring to begin the feeding. Recognition flooded Ed's face as Roy repeated the ice cream scoop-and-swallow motion, Ed pulling away after just two spoonfuls.

"Okay I can-I can do it."

"Impatient, just like a kid."

Ed dug into the soup, eating eagerly and dribbling soup off the spoon on the way to his mouth each time. Noting the lack of warm liquid filling him, he paused and tried moving the spoon to his mouth more carefully, successfully getting a bit more in per spoonful.

After Ed had the bowl halfway emptied, he slowed in eating, sighed in exasperation, and tossed the spoon into the bowl.

Having finished his own pasta some time ago and moved onto pudding, Roy sat alert at the sudden movement. "Ed, wh-"

"This whole time," Ed growled. He shoved back on his chair, stood and turned to face the nosy elderly couple as he crossed his arms. "Whatever you might th-think, I'm not a _retard_. So if-if you stop _staring_ at me that would be _nice!_"

The two froze, grabbed their check and left in a hurry, leaving only a confused waitress and Roy watching Edward. The annoyance left his face as he pointed toward the front door and grinned triumphantly.

"I-I think I scared them off."

"Edward _how_ the hell did you do that?!" Roy stood and took Ed by the shoulders, frightening him with surprise.

"H-hey, I-" He only calmed when Roy thumped his chest. "They-they _were_ watching me right?"

_Yes_.

"Were they f-friends?"

_No_.

"So I was right in what I said-what I did?"

"Mostly," Roy sighed as he pulled Edward into a hug. He sat them both back down, cleaning off Ed's spoon before returning it to his hand. "Now finish your-"

"Are you mad at me?" Ed's words were quiet and accompanied by an adorable pout. His golden eyes glanced up toward Roy, but despite his curious accuracy lately, they still missed their mark.

_No_.

"Are-are you sure?"

_Yes_.

Roy sealed the conversation with a squeeze of Ed's thigh under the table, dangerously close to his pelvis. Ed jumped, knocking his knees on the table in alarm and causing the silverware and plates to clatter. He hung his head as his face reddened, but Roy could spot the grin on his face, however nervous.

"O-okay. I'm-I'm gonna-let's-food now."

They peacefully finished their meal together, Roy aiding Ed in killing off the last of the soup. Roy slipped Ed a few spoonfuls of pudding, receiving no response to its difference from the soup...not that he expected any.

"Sometimes I-I can sense energy near me," Ed explained without prompt, snapping Roy out of the peaceful silence. "I don't know-don't know how. It's both a feeling and-and I just _know_. I just thought you might like to-like to know."

"Oh, Ed." Roy stood them both up, giving Ed a firm hug. "Thank you."

"Hey, my-my heart is beating really fast. What did you feed me?"

"Just soup." Roy led Ed to the checkout counter, faltering in his footsteps as he remembered. _Oops_. Coffee. He never gives Ed caffeine.

"Can we go for a run-a run? My heart is-is _pounding_."

"After just getting back on your feet?" Roy pressed on Ed's lower back, earning an annoyed swat.

"What are you doing? My back doesn't h-hurt. Can't we run?"

"Not just yet. You need to heal first." Roy led Ed toward home, curiously listening above the sounds of the city as Ed began _humming_. He didn't recognize the tune, though it was steady and varied, and he couldn't help but wonder if Ed just wanted to _feel_ it or if he was that happy.

Or hyper.

"Jitter jitter jump," Ed suddenly said, an extra spring in his step as they walked. "You fed me something to make me hyper! Sugar?" Before Roy could get an answer out, Ed _hopped_ in place. "I know this feeling I _remember_ this feeling it's _caffeine!_ Why would you feed me tea?!"

"Close enough," Roy murmured as he dragged Ed along languidly.

"Jitter jitter jump!" Ed repeated, following eagerly. "Caffeine puts more energy in my _rump!_"


	27. Chapter 27

HI GUYS sorry I wasn't sure what I wanted to tackle in this chapter but I picked the inevitable if not difficult way out. It also took a bit longer, haha. I hope it's everything you anticipated!

And ❤**Happy Valentine's Day!**❤

* * *

><p>When we got home and I <em>knew<em> the layout of where I was, I bolted around the house like an idiot. I tested my accuracy of where things were as I ran around and even tried a few handstands and cartwheels to burn off the jittery energy.

I stopped when my back started hurting again. He was right there with me to literally pick me up off the floor after a failed handstand and a rather remindful twinge in my back.

I bet he was scolding me for pushing my limits.

Maybe he was actually praising me for trying new things? I don't know, and I didn't ask, I only limped a bit with him to the couch to settle down.

He laid me on my belly again and I curiously asked _why_ before attempting to get a med drink. He ignored my inquiries as his hands met my back and began rubbing tenderly yet firmly, therapeutically eliminating my pain and finally bringing me off the energy high as I settled into inescapable relaxation.

Ohhh, _yeah_.

"Is this what you do?" I had asked airily. "Are you a ma-a masseuse? You _should_ be..."

For as revved up as I was earlier, I crashed completely, falling asleep under his magic touch.

Yesterday was _awesome_.

* * *

><p>No meds, no soreness, no jitters.<p>

I peacefully wake not on the couch, but warm in the wide expanse of his bed. Slithering out from under the restrictive blanket, I call out for the aid of the man I share the home with, since he wasn't next to me as usual.

There's no response and I wonder if he went downstairs or if he had to use the bathroom. I know there's one upstairs because some nights I wake up and have to go and like a _child_, he escorts me.

I never made my way to the upstairs bathroom while awake, so I couldn't check for him there. I wish I _had_, because I have to _go_.

Though he always guides me, I know the route to the stairwell. Out of habit from so many years, I rub the sleep from my eyes. I miss stupid little things, like being able to _feel_ that.

Hand guiding me along the wall, my steps slow as I near the stairs. My gait has been reduced to baby steps in anticipation of the first step, the sudden disappearance of the floor. My heart is thumping nervously, but it's nothing compared to the _pounding_ as I hit that first step and nearly fall forward, gasping in panic as I grip the railing and catch myself.

I never thought I'd say this in exception of Central Command's entrance, but I _hate_ stairs.

Each step is a slow and methodical thump of my heel slipping off one stair and meeting the next. It's harder with my automail foot, as the shock in my leg is limited to barely a _stump_ of borderline-arthritic bone and wire-infused muscle.

I don't know how close to the ground floor I am. I just know that I'm going too _slow_ because I really, _really_ have to go.

"Hey!" I yell out, continuing my descent. "_Hey!_ Where are you?!"

He didn't _leave_ for the day, did he? Please tell me he only ran downstairs to make coffee.

"Are-are you there?"

I have to be _almost_ downstairs, right?

_Thump, thump_.

I don't even remember drinking so much liquid last night, hell!

The floor finally levels out, flat and even. I take a few tentative steps _just_ to be sure, then shoot off for the bathroom at breakneck speed.

I'm almost there-_almost_ there!-and I _slam_ into something, knocking me backward. I come out of the daze just in time to feel a sudden relief, causing me to cry out in frustration. My arms are lifted and I tear them away, realizing I ran into _him_ on the way.

"You _asshole_ I was al-almost th-there!" I can't _feel_ the urine on my clothes, but I know I had soaked them through. I curse aloud and get to my feet without aid, giving him a shove as he stands in my path. "This-this wouldn't have hap-_happened_ if you weren't in my-in my _way!_"

I stumble into the bathroom, gasping shamefully and stupidly on _tears_ as I shed my clothing and slip into the tub to curl up. There's a tugging on my head just feather-light enough to tell me he's released my hair from its ponytail, as he always does for my bath.

"I can-I can bathe _myself!_" I snap, fumbling forward to turn both knobs on. He moves my hands away, reminding me that I could easily scald my skin if I'm not careful. Today, I wouldn't give a crap. It's not as if I could _feel_ it anyway!

I snatch the bottle of shampoo before he can, squeezing it ungracefully over my head. I then toss it rather satisfyingly at _him_ before scrubbing my fingers into my hair.

"This _is_ your fault you know I-I was _almost_ to the toilet-the toilet and you-you _stopped_ me and if-if you were just _there_ when I woke-I woke up!" I was still gasping on my breaths, though I wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment, the humidity in the bathroom or if I might still be _crying_. He nods my head and I quickly make another demand for independence.

"Now you'll _teach_ me the way to the up-upstairs _bathroom!_"

_Nod_.

Satisfied, I sit back and allow him to bathe me, despite my battered pride. I don't jerk away when he nears my privates, though I do feel his pressured touch hesitate since I usually insist on washing _that_ area myself.

"Well go a-go _ahead_. You're making me wait-wait for breakfast, _you_ hurry up!"

We finish rather quickly, though I don't wait for him to dry me off. I race out of the bathroom toward the kitchen, undoubtedly dripping water the entire way. I pay no mind to it until I'm drinking my breakfast bare-assed, feeling my body temperature drop much faster than usual.

It's not just my cold breakfast, it's because I'm wet and nude. _Oops_.

I feel something wrap around me. I wonder if it's his arms or if it's a blanket. Just to show my appreciation, I shake my head back and forth to sling my wet hair and give _him_ a shower. I grumble in annoyance as I shiver and realize that I had probably been visibly trembling.

He's so sweet, I can't _stay_ mad at him. As much as I'd like to.

I needed my morning bath anyway.

"Thank-thank you," I mutter as I'm wrapped securely again. I blissfully relax as he pulls me into his arms and my body slowly warms while I forget my wet hair that's probably _soaking_ his shirt. Although after earlier, I would probably let it happen anyways.

I wonder if he wrapped me in a _towel_.

Ever the analyst, my mind can't just _shut up_ and enjoy the peace of the moment for an extended period. I bring the heel of my palm up to my head and give it a whack, chuckling when he grabs my wrist.

"Don't mind-mind me, just trying to knock some s-sense into myself."

_No_.

"I'm not gonna _hurt_ my-myself."

_No_.

"What, are-are you mad?"

_No_.

"Then _what?_"

He hits my head repeatedly, just enough for me to _feel_ it. I swat his hand away but he only keeps at it, annoying the _hell_ out of me.

"Wh-what are you d-doing!"

He keeps _hitting_ me!

"Hey if-if _I _can't knock sense into me, n-neither can _you!_"

_No_.

"Are you trying to say that nobody can?!"

_Yes_.

"Knock _this!_" I swipe my leg out, feeling it connect with _his_ and sweep them out from under him. My plan is thwarted when he grabs me on the way down, the two of us crashing to the floor together.

Though my back remains unharmed I feel a weak pain in my right knee and my collarbone as gravity collides me with the floor and _him_. I roll off him with an annoyed grunt and cross my arms.

"You des-served that, you know."

He only pulls me to my feet and leads me to the couch, wrapping me in an uncomfortably restrictive blanket and making me hold it tight.

"Are you getting me some damn clothes now?!"

_Yes_.

I wait for a minute until he's gone before I wrestle out if the annoying cloth, tossing it to the floor. I'm sure I'm dry now, and _besides_, I don't get to feel such a drastic internal change in temperature all that often.

What if everyone were blind? I lay back on the cushions, spreading out in full view of any window peepers that might be around.

Nobody would worry about clothes, except for warmth. Or _blankets_.

My legs and hips move, but I pay it no mind. I know he's putting my pants on. It's funny to think that he puts my pants _on_, but it's only ever me that takes them _off_.

"No shirt," I request for the first time. "I don't wanna wear a shirt-any clothes today."

I have a feeling I mixed some words up. My brain shot off a bit faster than I'm used to.

"That's okay right?"

_No_.

"Well why? It's not cold-not cold out is it?"

_Yes_.

_Oh_. What season?

"Winter?"

_No_.

"Au-autumn? Fall?"

_Yes_.

"Oh. Well to hell with-with clothes! We can just snuggle all day!"

He doesn't approve or deny, only obliges me in a gentle embrace and a loving kiss.

As silly as it sounds, I can _feel_ the love between us.

* * *

><p>In between keeping Ed occupied and amused, Roy had prepared the house for Alphonse and Winry to visit. He had left Ed upstairs after guiding him back and forth to the bathroom to nullify any chances of another <em>accident<em>.

The knock at the door alerted Roy to their arrival. He opened the door and greeted the two with a smile and hello, welcoming them into his uncharacteristically quiet home.

"Where is he?" Al immediately inquired, curiously gazing around for his brother.

"Upstairs, memorizing the path to the bathroom."

"He can do that on his own?"

"He found his way out _your_ front door alone, didn't he?"

"Well yes but-"Al froze as he saw Ed gripping the banister and making his way down the stairs at a rather impressive pace for someone who couldn't _see_ them.

"Dammit Ed, I didn't say you could use the stairs alone!" Roy ran forward, though Ed seemed to _sense_ him, trip, somehow _catch_ his balance and _run_ down the remainder of the stairs flawlessly. Surprising all three, he veered slightly and zoomed into the kitchen. As they ran to check on him, they watched him slide to a stop right next to the fridge, yank it open, and snag a smoothie out to suck it down.

There was a ridiculously fake expression of innocence on his face as his golden eyes jerked around. That little shit _knew_ he'd been caught.

"For the record, that's only the _second_ time he came downstairs alone."

"How the hell did he _do_ all of that?" Al exclaimed, walking into the kitchen to check on his big brother.

"He's become… rather skilled at navigating this house while I'm away at work. That and he seems to be able to sometimes _sense_ the presence of others around him."

"How can he _sense_ people without his senses?" Winry asked curiously, setting her suitcase down near the kitchen doorway.

"Maybe it's the Dragon Pulse?" Alphonse watched as Ed nonchalantly chucked his smoothie cup into the sink, missing it by _just_ an inch and causing it to clatter across the counter. Ed put a hand to his flat tummy with a content sigh as he began to blissfully walk out of the room, but he stopped suddenly, golden eyes wide with recognition.

"What is it? What does he see, Roy?"

"I...don't know, Winry."

Turning slowly, Ed faced Alphonse, hesitantly walking the few steps to close the distance between them. His hands were _shaking_ as they reached up and took Al's head and leaned it forward, their foreheads touching as Ed repeated Al's motion himself. They stood quietly for several minutes, Ed's expression shifting between focus and relaxation.

"I… I know…" Ed hesitated, the following silence shortly interrupted by a violent gasp as Ed tore back, hands still grasping Al's head. "_Alphonse?!_"

"Brother!" Al's hands flew to Ed's shoulders in surprise, though he remembered Roy's nodding motion and imitated it. "But _how_ did you-"

"Alphonse," Ed wheezed, flying forward to envelop his brother in an encompassing hug. His momentum nearly knocked them both off their feet as he broke freely into choked sobs. "Alphonse I-I thought I-"

"I'm sorry, brother. I'm so sorry."

"Y-you're… _whole_ and h-healthy again… oh Alphonse I was so-so _worried_," he gasped, not giving Al the slightest bit of breathing room. He finally released when he felt an overwhelming surge of sadness from the person in his arms. "Al-Alphonse, what's wrong?"

"This is all my fault," Al sniffled quietly. "All of your suffering has been my fault, and you don't even _know_…"

"Al?" Ed tapped Al's shoulder, though due to Ed's unintentional lack of subtlety, it was a bit rough. "Al why are-why are you so um...are you s-sad?"

"Yes, brother. You sacrificed so much for me."

Though Ed couldn't hear Al's words, he pulled him into a firm hug. "It's okay, Al. I'm fine, see? You don't-don't have to be sad." As Al's arms squeezed almost painfully around Ed's middle, he continued speaking. "I'm safe here with him-with _him_, so you don't have-have to worry."

"He still doesn't know who you are, does he?" Winry quietly asked Roy, watching as Ed soothingly rubbed Al's back as though Al was still the younger brother who needed looking after.

"No. I haven't found a way to tell him yet." Roy sighed. "To be honest, I'm worried he won't take the news well."

"He never really _hated_ you. He harbored animosity towards _everyone_, you're hardly an exception." She chuckled sadly. "If you find a way, please tell him. I'm sure it bothers him, even if he doesn't mention it. He was always a bit of a control freak, you know?"

"And now he has so little."

"Al I-I have to ask-ask you..." Ed trailed off as the brothers pulled apart. He hung his head a bit, bangs hiding the sadness on his face. "The day I-I brought you back, y-you... Were you okay?"

"Of course I was." Al nodded Ed's head.

"Did-did you recover quickly?"

_Yes_.

"Then why-" Ed gasped and grit his teeth as he began to tremble. "It-it was h-_hell_, Alphonse. Why didn't you _come_ for me?"

"I was there," Al replied quietly, slowly nodding Ed's head again.

"Yes? What do you _mean_ yes?" Confusion mingled with the distant fear in his revealing eyes. He sucked in another sharp breath and pulled away from his brother hesitantly.

Al took Ed's hands and tapped them against his own chest.

"Al what-are-are you trying-" Ed was clearly trying to fight off a panic attack, though he was slipping fast.

"Don't you _get_ it, Ed? It was me! It was _my_ fault!" Al mimicked a series of motions and events. Hitting Ed's arm where the IV used to be, moving Ed's arms to shadow the suicide attempt, and then tapping the automail leg stump and giving it a yank. Al was sobbing as he finished and his arms dropped weakly to his side.

Already panicky, the unsettlingly familiar motions pushed him just past his tipping point. He stumbled backward, eyes wide in horrified recognition.

"You-you were-you were _there?_ _You_ were my c-caretaker?" He barely felt Al's nod before he tore away and backed further, stumbling and falling flat on his back. He cast away the hands as they tried to help him up, growling angrily. "You're lying! You're _lying!_ My brother wouldn't _do_ that to me!" He cried out in anguish, nearly screaming in anger when Roy tried to help him up. "Al wouldn't let me wi-wither to nothing-to _nothing_ in that prison!"

"Edward!" Winry cried. "It wasn't his choice, it wasn't-"

"But it _was_ my fault, Winry!" Al cried as Ed curled up tightly and shook terribly, gasping out pitifully wheezy breaths and regressed into his awful, painful memories under _her_ care. Under _Al's_ care.

"You only did what you thought was right." Winry cringed when Ed lashed out in reply to more offered assistance, his stuttered words broken by tears and heavy wheezy gasps.

"Edward you have to snap out of this," Roy said worriedly, kneeling down by him. "I've never seen him react so badly..."

"I've never failed him so much before." Al's whisper nearly wasn't heard above Ed's sobbing.

"Roy please make him stop," Winry pleaded. "I can't bear to see him like this."

"He won't respond to me." Roy tried all of his tricks; lifting Ed's head and smacking him on the chest, lifting his arms and none of it was working. Cut off from the outside world so drastically, Ed had finally fallen prey to the illusions in his mind.

"He can't stay like this!"

"No, he can't. It's my fault he's like this, and it's my job to fix it, because he's my _brother!_" Al reached down, grabbed Ed's arms and yanked roughly, pulling Ed to his feet. He only stumbled and hit his knees with a pained gasp, trying to lash out in defense. Al countered by punching his arms until Ed started to block the attacks with slight familiarity marring his desperation, then moved onto his ribs and chest and head and arms again, repeating the pattern once Ed moved on. Yanking Ed to his feet again, he continued the assault in the set pattern, stopping once Ed had defiantly thrown a punch of his own in between blocking.

"This is hardly fair-fair because I can't-I can't see and my-my balance is shot," Ed gasped, sniffling through his heavy breathing as he slowly reigned in his grip on reality. He took a daring swipe forward with his white-knuckled fist, contacting with only air.

"Al, you did it," Winry gasped in amazement. "You snapped him out of it!"

Ed took a step forward, feeling for Al as his breathing calmed and his crying slowed. His searching hand was batted away by his eager brother, to which Ed replied with another missed punch, a quickening of footsteps, and several more failed punches.

"Hold-hold _still_, you little shit!" One more missed punch and Ed dove down to the floor, sweeping his leg out and catching Al off guard with it. Feeling his leg connect, Ed dove forward to pin Al, but his lack of senses slowed him and Al had him on his back in moments.

"Just for-for once can't you _let_ me beat you?" Ed whined pitifully. He latched onto the first solid thing he could as Al got off him, managing to use his little brother to get to his feet. Standing solidly as though he hadn't just suffered a breakdown, Ed grappled blindly for Al once more. "Al-hey Al?"

_Nod_.

"Are you-is it true? Were you r-really my...my _caretaker? _When this-this all started?"

"Yeah." Al took Ed's hands in his own, tugging lightly to draw the two together and meet their foreheads once more, Al's nodding causing Ed to mirror the action.

"You-you were there from the start. For me." Ed held their intertwined hands to his chest, smiling softly. "I didn't know...how to in-interpret everything, back then. I was s-still hurting from the loss-loss of my senses. But I-I'm okay now, Al. And I'm sorry if-if I caused you pain back then."

"How can you apologize," Al replied quietly, tapping their hands to his own chest. "When I'm the one who trapped you and you know-"

"Are-are you apologizing?"

"You always read me so well, brother." Al nodded, confirming Ed's estimation.

"Well don't. Because it-it was all a mis-misunderstanding. But I-I forgive you. Okay? Always, because I love-I love you, little brother."

"I love you too, Ed." He gave one final nod for Ed before pulling him close into a comforting bear hug.

"I wish I had a brother," Roy sighed wistfully. "They're so close."

"Inseparable," Winry added. "Even this can't tear them apart."

"Ed was even able to tell Alphonse was there next to him."

"Yeah," Winry murmured. "But if Ed couldn't tell before, how could he now?"

"He's become more relaxed and content with his condition, and with his mind at ease he's been able to pick up on people around him. Maybe that's why he was able to sense Alphonse so well."

"I wonder if he _is_ sensing chi," Al said curiously. He gently pulled away from Ed, turning him around and stepping away. "I've practiced meditation and focusing my energy while in Xing, and I may be able to become more… _visible_ to him."

"That still doesn't explain how he identified you specifically," Roy observed objectionably. As an alchemist, he still tried to seek the scientific truth behind the universe. "How do you explain that?"

"I was a soul attached to a suit of armor. For years, I was little more than an energy signature attached to a metal shell. He may have subconsciously become attuned to that signature. There were nights he would wake from a nightmare, almost fall out of bed, and then relax because he just _knew _I was there." Alphonse grinned sheepishly. "Or maybe it's just because we're brothers. I guess we'll never really know."

Ed crossed his arms boredly as he was left standing alone. He absentmindedly rubbed at an achy part of his arm where Alphonse had been hitting him earlier.

"Alphonse, what are you doing?"

Roy was momentarily ignored as Al breathed deeply and evenly. Eyes closed and hands clasped, he looked to be the picture of serenity.

"He's done this before," Winry explained. "He says he's centering himself and amplifying his chi. May says it comes easily to him because he was purely a soul for so many years."

"What benefit does this give him?"

"Usually, increased focus and a clearer mind. It also calms him down when he gets frustrated." Winry smiled. "He doesn't need it for that very often though."

"Ed could do with it," Roy muttered. His next words were cut off as Ed turned curiously, hand out as he tentatively walked toward Al. He was even more amazed when Al backed away, turned and kept going, Ed faltering only slightly before following dead-on. "How is he doing that?"

"Ed picks up on energy, right? Strong feelings? That's what Al is right now. He's amplified his energy. It's drawing Ed like a moth to a flame."

"Hey-hey Al, how are you-you doing that?" Ed snatched blindly for Al, missing him by a long shot. The sensing proved to have a delay as Al doubled back and walked past Ed, the older blonde only noticing moments later. "Wait but weren't-weren't you just-Al knock that off..."

Winry laughed at the antics between the two, walking forward to pull Ed into a hug. He froze as she did, eyes darting nervously around.

"Who-who are-you're not Al, who…?"

"You don't recognize your childhood friend? That's not fair, Ed." Winry kicked Ed's leg multiple times just before whacking him upside the head as though a wrench was in her-

"Winry?" Ed broke into a wide grin when she hugged him so tightly that his bones popped. "It's good to see-see you again. Did you come to check my-my automail?" He didn't wait for an answer once he was free, only grabbed her and pulled her toward the couch. He settled onto it and readily yanked his pants off, oblivious to the laughter of those around him and Roy's facepalm that Ed forgot he _didn't wear underwear_.

"_Roy!_ Where are his _underwear?!_" Winry squealed in outrage, appalled by the fact that her friend was living with a _gay man_ with no _underwear_ to protect him from advances.

"It's easier for him to use the bathroom without them!" Roy spluttered in protest. "It's harder for him to find the underwear with no sense of touch!"

Alphonse quickly threw the available blanket over Ed's exposed privates, shaking his head in familiar hopelessness. "He knows he doesn't wear underwear, doesn't he?"

"Unfortunately, he does. I'm not sure whether he did this on purpose or not," Roy muttered, shaking his head.

"Probably," Winry chuckled, slipping a concealed screwdriver from her pocket. "Al, grab my suitcase for me."

"Okay!"

Ed wiggled his leg just enough to feel that it was pinned in place, nodding in satisfaction as he assumed Winry was working on it.

"Just like old times," he said quietly, leaning back onto the armrest. "Winry working on my automail, Alphonse at my side…" His stutter had gone as his contented memories overpowered his care of coherence. "Just like old times."

Alphonse had returned just in time to hear Ed serenely speak once more.

"Only now, I have _him_."


	28. Chapter 28

Whups! Meant to reply in last chapter.  
><em>To Brenne<em>: Just his sixth sense. I've had moments before when I just do something or _stop_ before I walk into something. Could've used that tonight with the icy roads, but I think the car's okay...

* * *

><p>I was halfway through automail servicing before I remembered that I don't wear underwear.<p>

I _stripped_ in front of my best friend and my _brother_ like a whore.

I must have looked like a complete, clueless _jackass_.

A _bare-ass _jackass.

I won't know if my face went red. I willed myself to keep my mouth _shut_ so nothing would slip out and reveal that I _knew_ I had done it.

"Are you almost fin-finished?" I finally manage, assured that someone had covered my _privates_ due to the obscene warmth in my body. My guess would be a blanket, and they had chosen to cover my stomach too. I feel all too warm, but I wasn't about to take this blanket off _this_ time.

_No_.

"Haven't we been-been taking _care_ of it? It never takes-" I jolt in pain as she screws with a wire, possibly yanking it on accident. The sudden sharp pain flared straight up through my leg and finally settled in my back, leaving me panting heavily more from the _shock_ of it than the pain itself. I roll my head back and let it hang over the arm of the couch, my throat vibrating as I moan. "Warn-warn me f-first, dammit…"

Nobody responds to my pained plea. I wiggle my leg again to discover Winry still has it held in place, so I relax and try to imagine the scene.

I'm lounging on a… black couch, sporting a plain white button-up and _no_ pants, just a grey blanket covering me from my chest to my knees. Winry is on the other end, wearing her same old tube top, baggy khakis, and bandana to keep the loose strands from her face. She's hard at work unscrewing the top plate of my automail to access the wiring and shaft inside, her face twisted in concentration as she complains about how I'm always abusing her craftsmanship and just using it as a replaceable _tool_. I can hear her words as she whines and pauses to look at me, asking me why I'm so quiet. All I have to do is flash one of my wistful smiles and she leans back, watching me carefully.

_I know you're hiding something, Ed!_

_I'm not, Win. Honest. I've just missed you._

_Well if you would visit me more often!_

She can't help but smile anyway, despite her annoyance. I latch onto that sunny grin that always lit up my childhood, but the illusion is shattered as her still hands disconnect with the reality of the sudden pain in my thigh.

The entire image quivers before disappearing, leaving my world a silent, lonely white. I lean my head against the back of the couch, curling my arms to my chest as I release a shaky sigh and know, just _know_, that I'm crying again.

I feel Alphonse near me as he shakes my shoulder. I say something to comfort him, I guess it's a word, but I don't really formulate it in my mind before I feel the vibration of speech. He shakes me again, so I tell him the goddamn _truth_.

"I just miss seeing you guys."

Despite his hug, I still feel a bit nauseated and I have to change the mood. I start talking about yesterday and my visit to the back doctor, sparing no detail about how good it all felt and that the spinal shifting was one of the few things I could feel without a lot of deep pressure. I told them about what it felt _like_ and tried to compare it with that numb feeling you sometimes get when you're half-awake, and then recommended they go see the back doctor too just because it was the only good time I ever had at _any_ doctor.

I don't think they ever heard me talk so much at one time before, but I could feel less negativity from my brother so I regaled them with the restaurant tale.

From the hot tea almost burning my throat and even making a joke about how I wouldn't have tasted anything after that even if I _did_ have a sense of taste, all the way to the people staring at me the whole time. I was happy to tell them that I could sense the people just before they disappeared, and that I could tell where the restaurant exit was due to that.

I told them about the silly little debate about the fork and the spoon and how it took stabbing me in the leg to differentiate the two. I only hope they heard me explain that I didn't actually get _stabbed_ because I would have felt that under the skin.

_Oops_, hope I didn't get him into trouble!

I quickly change the subject with the whole stairway adventure.

"And you know he stopped me before I got to the bathroom and he made me _piss_ myself?! Winry do me a favor and tell him off for me! And make sure he knows to stay out of my _way_ when I'm moving so damn fast!"

She yanks my leg suddenly, sending me sliding down the couch a bit. I couldn't know why, but I feel this ridiculous surge of happiness all around me.

"Are you laughing at me?!"

_Nod_.

Who answered me?!

"It's _his_ fault _not_ mine! He was gone when I woke up and I had to _go!_"

More positively _tangible_ joy.

"You guys all _suck_ this is totally unfair!" I cross my arms indignantly, hoping I look irritated as hell. "Well if you're gonna be like that then I'm not saying another _word!_"

Just as promised, I settle into a mellow silence. A wiggle of my leg revealed that Winry had gone, but hadn't she just been working on it? Unless she yanked my leg to tell me she was done.

Hell, I had to break my _vow_ to ask.

"Hey gearhead, you-you done?"

_No_.

"Then why-why did you let go?! Hurry up already." I relax and allow myself to slip into peaceful pondering, reflecting on my unpleasant breakdown from earlier.

Alphonse had been my caretaker. He was _her_, the one who cared for me but whom I never truly felt care from.

He was my little _brother_, but still I never-

I _shunned_ him.

He put his life, his _future_ on hold for me, and I treated him like an indifferent _nurse_.

I'd seen his body in the gate; so frail and weak, so malnourished. There was no way he was able to help at the very beginning. Is that why it was so bad at first? Because it truly wasn't _Al?_

No, he had made it clear today. He'd taken my leg and stopped me from killing myself.

As bad as it had been for me, what must it have been for _him?_ To prevent your own brother from suicide because you pushed him over the edge? And he didn't even know it was you, he wouldn't _believe_ it was you, he had such unshakeable faith in you.

I was so _depressed_ and devoid of hope that I'd caused us both unnecessary suffering. I didn't try to reach out, I didn't even make an effort to live. Curling into my own fresh hell, I ignored the outside world that I had at first thought I was irreparably severed from.

It took… _him_, to free me from the prison I had made for myself. _Him_ to convince me that communication was possible.

It still hurt that Alphonse didn't do what _he_ did. _He_ taught me yes and no, how to navigate and how to _feed_ myself.

Who am I kidding?

Al wasn't alone in my alienation from reality. I had cringed from his offered guidance immediately, too disoriented from imagined attacks to try to interact.

Truth had taken my senses, but I had finished the job and ignored what little I had left.

I don't know what _he_ did differently from Al. Maybe it was my hopeless outlook on life that had settled me enough to not _care_ what happened next, and that's when he came.

It doesn't matter now. I love him and I love Al, and I've forgiven my brother for what happened.

I think, too, that I've forgiven myself.

And then I go and _strip_ in front of everyone.

I giggle stupidly at the thought, not caring what they think of the sudden action. I sense Al faintly, though he's in the kitchen.

I did set my mind on learning the layout for this whole house. I know where every room is now, even upstairs. Unless...

"Does this house have a basement?" I wonder aloud, only realizing I'd spoken due to the vibration in my throat.

My center of gravity shifts ever so slightly as the surface below me moves. I feel an almost painful weight on my right knee followed by a strange feeling of claustrophobia before my head is nodded.

But why-

The pressure on my knee disappears just as something large suddenly collides with my body, leaving a _weight_ on top of me. It's restricting my breathing and my movement, and I freeze in nervous uncertainty.

"Wh-what-"

The weight lifts off me as quickly as it had appeared, leaving me uselessly looking around for a source. "What was that?!"

My hands are lifted to tap against something. Once released, I explore further-only to find a head, shoulders, and chest.

"W-Winry?"

_Nod_.

And I had just felt Winry's-

Chest.

_Boobs_.

I tear my hands away, so flustered that I actually fall off the couch and hit the floor. My breathing is frantic as I try to apologize and explain that I didn't _know_ and what, did she fall on top of me?!

_Yes_.

Great, so I felt her boobs _twice!_ She's my best _friend!_

"Did-did I-did I touch your um-" I couldn't bring myself to say the word, so I tap my chest.

_No_.

"Are-are you sure?"

_Yes_.

"Okay then I-"

_Pants!_

I fell off the couch and I'm not wearing any _pants!_

Starting first thing in the morning, this day has been _so_ embarrassing.

"Pants!" I gasp, pulling my knees to my chest. "I-I need my-my pants!"

I feel my head grow warm, and I know I must be beet-red if I'm blushing enough to _feel_ it.

My arms are lifted and a faint weight placed in them. I try to figured out what it is, realizing minutes layer that it's my pants. But I can't-what if I put them on backwards?

Never mind that, I can't even find the _waistline_.

I must look like a complete fool to Winry. I can't even dress myself.

"I-I can't, um...find-find the... Winry I'm sorry, can you-can you help me get them on?"

Without hesitation the pants are taken from me and slid onto my legs, their weight shifting as she lifts them just enough to shimmy the fabric up to my knees. I know she stopped there because she places my hands on the waistline for me to finish the job.

"Thank you," I murmur in gratitude, squeezing until my hands hurt. I manage to get them on the rest of the way, standing when finished. "I um...I don't normally..." Why would I feel shameful for admitting it? Hell, I don't need catheters or sponge baths anymore! "...Dress myself."

She hugs me, so I keep talking.

"I just hope he picks-picks out cool clothes. Does he dress me-dress me nice?"

_Nod_.

"You're not just-not just being nice, are you?"

_No_.

"I'm glad you both came to visit." I receive a hug for that, though she surprises me just afterward by leading me to the kitchen. We stop and stand there as they, I assume, discuss something.

Just as I'm about to speak up, I'm led to the front door. Only, it's not Winry. I know it's Alphonse who has my hands.

"Al?"

_Yes_.

"Are-are you leaving?"

With my hands still in his, he taps first my chest and then his own.

"Both of us?"

_Yes_.

"But..." I shift my weight uneasily. "Is _he_ coming?"

_No._

"He-" I inhale shakily. "Are we coming back?"

_Yes._

"So we're...not leaving because he doesn't want me any-anymore."

_No._

"I'm sorry," I moan pathetically. "I just-I'm a lot of trouble and ob-obstinate and he does so much for me and-"

A set of arms wrap around me from behind, pulling me into _his_ embrace. He turns me enough to draw me into a kiss, stealing my breath and my heart.

As he pulls away and I slowly regain the ability to breathe, he taps my hand against his chest.

I don't understand. I know it's you, only _you_ kiss me.

He repeats the motion, hitting himself harder.

"Um...chest? Does your chest hurt?"

_No._

"It will if you hit-hit it much harder," I joke as I try to figure out what he's on about.

Him. He's referring to himself. Does he think _he's_ a lot of trouble?

_No_.

Oops, I voiced that. Well, at least I know the answer. I relax as he pulls me into his arms again, calming my irrational fears.

"You don't want to come with us?" I ask pleadingly, tilting my head back to gaze upward with my hopeful golden eyes.

_No_.

_Not this time_, I picture him saying. Just me and Al right now, because we're brothers, and we need this, right? We need to bond again, to forgive and show that we're only stronger together for what had transpired.

He dresses me in my coat.

Alphonse takes my hand in his.

We leave the house, and maybe I'm imagining it, but I can sense _him_ watching us from the doorway.

Don't worry. I have Al. He'll keep me safe.

I'll be home before you know it.


	29. Chapter 29

_To justaislinn_: I try to include or recap anything important (or noteworthy) that Ed misses out on in future chapters or a different POV. But for Ed, unless he can guess it, he really doesn't know what all goes on, and so to view it from his point is just as hindering to the reader as it is to him. Totally intentional for sympathy with our favorite alchemist!  
>To <em>GreedxEd &amp; Guest<em>: Yeah. One of the first things Ed couldn't pick up on was one of the more important ones… that Roy loves him.

For that confusing moment with Winry last chapter, just after Ed told his company about the morning bathroom incident, Winry laughed so hard that she fell off the couch backwards and on the way yanked on Ed's leg because she still had it in her lap.  
>He <em>knew<em> they were laughing. Just not how hard!  
>And when Al and Roy were in the kitchen, Winry leaned over Ed to nod his head...but she fell on him. Haha<p>

Thanks everyone for the reviews, and for reading all of this stuff up here before we even get to the chapter!

* * *

><p>Alphonse had traveled around Central for years with his brother, so finding the address wasn't too difficult. It was miles away from Roy's home and Al was both surprised and proud to find that Ed had no problem traversing the distance, a far cry from when he had been living in Risembool.<p>

"Geez Al are-are we walking the whole-the whole city?"

"It seems that way, doesn't it?" Al curiously watched Ed stop as he did, waiting patiently for them to move again. As they waited, Ed's lids closed slightly and revealed his shift of attention from external to internal. He returned to awareness immediately as Al gave a light tug on his arm, prompting him forward.

"Are we almost..._wherever_ we're going?"

"Yes, Ed."

"Okay, good."

Al stopped short, Ed halting when his wrist was kept secure and immobile in Al's stilled grasp.

"Ed, I didn't nod your head. How did you know what I said?" He awaited an answer from Ed as though it was possible to receive one, but all he got was a long pause followed by a loud yawn from his brother. "Ed?"

Al reached forward to check Ed's eyes and then his ears. Ed made no indication of registering these inspections with the exception of the tilting of his head as Al moved it.

"What are you doing, Al? Fix-fixing my hair?"

"...Yeah." Al nodded Ed's head with a sad smile, beginning their walk again. "I have to wonder if you answered me using that same _knowing_ like all those years ago when we were traveling together."

"Well tell me, Al! Do I look-" he paused to snicker. "_Pretty?_"

"You're incorrigible." Keeping Ed securely upright, Al pretended to give him a shove, laughing when Ed _squealed_.

"Al don't _do_ that my _balance!_" Overcorrecting against the perceived loss of balance, he stumbled into Al, causing them both to go sideways into a wall-but they both just laughed anyway.

"You're always causing trouble, brother." Al righted them both and led Ed toward Linear Way, the street where Ed's chiropractor resided.

"Hey Al are we almost _there?_" Ed whined yet again, though his timing was perfect as they had just arrived. "I have-I have to _go_."

"Didn't you go before we left? I wonder if Roy has this problem with you." Al sighed as he led Ed inside, finding the bathroom quickly and gently pushing Ed in.

"Al, hey, is-is it clean?"

"What? Yeah, why? You-"

"Al? Come on, I-I um… I don't…" His face reddened as he explained. "I can't... _aim_... I have to sit-to sit to go."

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't think..." Al cleaned the seat off for Ed, yanking his pants down and seating him slowly onto the toilet. "There, now-"

"Thanks Al," Ed muttered as his tried to hide his embarrassment. "But I-I can sit and go on my-on my own."

"Oops. I'm sorry Ed, you've learned so much since you've been with Roy... But I'm proud of you, you know?" His words fell on deaf ears as Edward blissfully went about his business. "I think you know."

"_And done_," Ed whispered, standing and pulling his pants back up with just a bit of practiced fumbling. He reached back and hit the tank a few times, managing to miss the lever for every attempt. "Okay, done. Thanks Al!"

"No problem. Let's go see Dr. Reed, okay? She can crack your back just the way you like."

Al led his brother into the waiting room, delighted when they were called just after signing in. They followed the doctor through the hallway, not surprised by the expression of concentration on Ed's face as he fought against the stress of so many twists and turns.

"You don't have a room closer to the entrance for Edward?" Al smiled apologetically. "He's more used to an open floor plan, and all of these tight corners..."

"Oh heavens, I didn't even think of that. I'll be sure to reserve the closest room to the front for him. It's just that my partner in the practice uses the front room for massages, but I don't see why she can't lend that room for one patient, hm?"

"Oh! Well, we-we don't want to be trouble," Al insisted. "He _has_ learned to work around a lot, really, this little hallway trip shouldn't be too bad…"

"Nonsense, I'll just boot Julia out if I have to," Dr. Reed giggled. "Wouldn't be the first time!"

"Well, thank you." Al smiled, leading Ed to the table and assisting the doctor in laying him facedown on it. "I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Edward's brother, Alphonse."

"I see the resemblance," she replied cheerfully. "Your brother really is a good sport about all of this."

"Yeah, he's gotten a lot better at dealing with it." Al beamed proudly. "When he first lost his senses, he had a really hard time coping with the lack of communication." His smile faltered when Dr. Reed stared at him in shock.

"When he _lost_ his senses? I thought he was born this way."

"Is that what Roy told you?"

"No, I… I'm sorry, I assumed. May I ask...how he lost them?" She ran her fingers soothingly along her horizontal patient's spine, earning a contented moan from the blond.

"It was an alchemy accident, actually. On the day of the governmental coup."

"The day Fuhrer Bradley died?"

"Yeah. He sacrificed all five of his senses in an attempt to save everyone at the military headquarters." Al smiled sadly, weaving a tale to make his brother proud. "His outcome wasn't his original intention, but… he did save us all."

Dr. Reed stared at the two in amazement, pausing her soothing fingers to gaze down at Ed. "...I always thought the name and face were familiar. He's the Fullmetal Alchemist, isn't he?"

"Mhm. He doesn't use alchemy anymore though, because he can't see the product, and well…"

"I understand. I'm sorry to hear about his loss." She ran her hand gently up Ed's spine, stopping at his neck with just enough pressure for him to feel it. As he relaxed under her touch, she applied sudden pressure to the spot, a satisfyingly audible _crack_ sounding in the small room. "He seems to enjoy his chiropractic care," she noted with a smile.

"Quite a bit," Al observed humorously. Ed looked positively in _heaven_.

"His treatment is mainly for his back, but he's always asking for more, so I work his entire spine for him."

"It doesn't affect the injured area?"

"Oh, I'd hardly call it an injury. A simple misalignment and some inflamed and _stubborn_ muscle. But with these daily visits, the muscles should relax in no time. Why, after this visit I'll really only see him once a week!"

"Judging from the noises Ed is making," Al said, noticing how inappropriately _suggestive_ some sounded, "I think he'd be sad to learn that his visits won't continue to be daily."

"He's healing remarkably fast. Ah, to be 20 again." She sat Ed up slowly, having finished working on him.

"How can you say that? You're still so-"

"I got it," Ed interrupted. "You're a doctor of the spine-the spine, right? So I'll name you something that-that rhymes! Doctor Stein!"

Ed was met with no approval or denial of the suggestion, as his company was simply too stunned in disbelief and _humor_ to react.

"You know...Stein. Like Doctor Frank-Frankenstein. Um...if that's okay with the doctor. I can't-I can't really learn-learn your name, sorry..."

Having seen how Roy answered Ed, Dr. Reed nodded his head by the ponytail.

"I can accept that name as long as it comes with that grin," she laughed.

"I'm sorry," Al whined apologetically. "He always liked that Frankenstein story as a kid."

"I don't mind, really! I've never been named like that before, and I don't count Doctor or Doc because those are titles. I'm honored!"

"Hey Doc-Doctor Stein, will I see you tomorrow?"

_No_.

"Aww. Am I getting better too-too fast?" Ed slipped off the table as Al pulled him forward. "Will I see you again some-sometime?"

_Yes_.

"Oh good." Ed laughed nervously. "He-he can rub my back really well but he can't-can't _crack_ it like you can."

"Come on brother," Al chuckled. "Dr. _Stein_ has other patients, you'll see her next week."

Ed cheerfully followed Al out, minding the winding hallway less than he had earlier. He seemed genuinely happy despite his condition, causing Al to smile from the infectious joy.

"You sure are happy, brother. Do you want to test your limits today?" He naturally received no answer as they walked toward the park. "First we need to improve your balance."

"Are we going home now?"

_No_.

"Oh." Ed comically pouted, his free hand slipping uncannily accurately into his pocket. "Well why-why not?"

"You need to get more fresh air. Roy told me that he hasn't had a chance to introduce you to the backyard yet."

"Hey-hey Al can we try-um, try something new?"

"Maybe..." Al curiously stopped with Ed, cautious of his request.

"Do that en-energy thing from earlier. I'll follow you un-unaided."

"I don't know..." Al frowned, pulling Ed against the wall of the building near them. "I guess we can give it a shot."

Ed leaned against the wall patiently as Al focused his energy, eyes widening once he could pick up on his little brother.

"Heeeey Aaaaal," Ed said creepily, grinning like a fiend. "I can _seeeeeee_ youuuuu."

"Why do I encourage you," Al replied with a groan. He began walking slowly toward the park, not allowing much room to form between Ed and himself. Keeping his energy levels high, he was surprised to see Ed was keeping up rather easily.

"Hey this-this is awesome!" Ed exclaimed, walking freely in public for the first time. "You have to teach-teach _him_ how to do this!"

"I can try," Al laughed. "Come on, we're at the park! Let's try some sparring." Al jogged away from the sidewalk, careful to choose a path free of obstacles.

"Al hey-" Ed sped up his pace, but as he broke into a jog he stumbled and hit the grass. "_Dammit!_"

"Ed," Al sighed, but he waited for Ed to recover himself. "Stand up Ed; you didn't hurt yourself."

Ed slowly stood, battling mentally with himself again. He had finally finished struggling with his emotions when he was rewarded with a shove that knocked him off his feet again.

"Ah! Hey, wh-what?!" He put his arm up to shield himself, eyes snapping around haphazardly.

"Use your mind, Ed. Find me. Focus! Know what's coming next."

Ed felt a few light punches to his arms and then his entire body being upchucked. He rolled over on the grass, finding his balance and leaping to his feet as he huffed nervously.

"A-Al? Is-is that you?!"

"Focus and you'll know it is!"

Al repeated his random assault, knocking Ed on his ass once more. He grinned as Ed kicked and caught his arm before rolling back and leaping to his feet, closing his eyes as he slipped into his fighting stance.

"Good. Can you anticipate me?" Al bolted forward, throwing out a punch. Ed hesitated and suffered a blow to the chest for it, but the second hit was blocked instantly. He silently obeyed the sixth sense and presence of chi, backing away from and blocking half of the attacks thrown at him. At one point he leapt back from Al's swipe before leaping forward, catching him right in the stomach.

"I-I got you Al didn't I?" Ed huffed victoriously, stumbling backward to carelessly fall on his ass.

"You did," Al replied, dumbstruck but _proud_. "I wasn't even going easy on you! Maybe there's something untapped with your sixth sense," he added thoughtfully. "It might even serve you better than your eyes if you hone it."

"Al? I-I did hit _you_, right?"

"Yes, brother." Al nodded Ed's head before pulling him into a hug. "You did great. Now let's head back, I'm sure Mustang is-"

"Can we go-go home now?" Ed grinned sheepishly. "This is-is fun but I'm tired. And hungry."

"Of course, Ed." Al wrapped his arm around Ed's shoulder, satisfied that he'd done the right thing to let Ed stay with Mustang.

Even if Ed still didn't know the man he shared his heart with.


	30. Chapter 30

I'm tired and my back aches. My knee hurts from the recent abuse of the sparring I haven't done in so long.

But I can _match_ my little brother.

I'm blind and deaf, so it wasn't easy to anticipate his attacks. I couldn't see or listen for the next move, and his pattern was too random to pick out the next in a sequence. I mostly just relied on that sixth sense that's been curiously guiding me in the right direction lately, and it helped me immensely.

It's an odd thing to follow. I think I used to draw on it a bit back when I still had my senses, but never to this degree. I had never put my trust so easily in something that wasn't visible or tangible. It's not even a _feeling_, it's just a reaction. I just allow myself to subconsciously block or swipe or react and it's _right_ and it still surprises me, but it's a thrill to know that this exists and can help me so greatly.

I'm following his energy again, though I think this is tiring both of us more quickly. The strength of his energy is flaring haphazardly and I'm starting to get a headache from focusing on the wavering signature. I'm not sure how much farther we are from home, but I call out and call it quits.

"Hand," I request, holding mine out. "Lead-lead me, Al. My head is starting to hurt."

He obliges me happily, the vibrant energy slowly dying down to become barely an ember of fire in my cold world of white.

Actually, I _am_ growing colder. Am I cooling too quickly after our workout?

Oh, wait! He _did_ say we're in autumn, didn't he? I wonder if we're getting closer to winter or if the season just started. Either way, I'm getting cold internally and antsy to get where it's warm. Preferably in his arms, and I don't care if Winry or Al see us snuggling.

A tug on my arm takes us on a left turn. After another short distance, we stop and enter through a doorway; I know because Al put my hand on the door. I wonder if he wanted to test me? Well dammit Al I'm not dumb! I give it a powerful shove, closing it easily.

"Am I home?"

_Yes_.

"Kitchen!" I proclaim, bolting off on my memorized path and stopping just short of the fridge. I grab the side and yank it open, but there's a pressure around my ribs as I'm pulled away from it.

"Hey! Hey, I-I'm hungry!"

_Nod_.

"Al?"

_No_.

"Winry?"

_No_.

My head tilts backwards as he draws me into a kiss, stealing my breath away once more. My arms slip around him as my hunger goes momentarily forgotten, attention lingering on _him_.

"I missed you too," I exhale dreamily as soon as the pressure is gone. He tries to pull away, and maybe I'm being childish, but I don't _want_ to let go just yet. "Can't-can't we just stay here?"

_No_.

He presses on my stomach, reminding me of the gnawing hunger that had been bothering me since Al and I left our sparring grounds.

"Oh! Food. O-okay." I turn back to the fridge but my attempt is foiled again as he leads me instead to the table and sits me in a chair. My arm rises to my mouth, the accompanied painful squeeze telling me that I have a utensil. "Spoon?"

_Yes_.

I test the first scoop, swallowing to find a warm liquid running down my throat. I squeak in delight; I'll be warm in no time!

"Mm, warm!"

I go at the warm liquid with gusto-I imagine it's a soup-and feel myself warm in no time. I'd be tempted to pick up the bowl and drink it, but I know I'd only make a horrendous mess.

"Are Al-Al and Winry eating with us?"

_Yes_.

"You guys aren't laughing-aren't laughing, are you? I know I'm a little-little clumsy."

_No_.

Just like earlier on the walk, I feel an emotion that has no words, but I know what it means.

_We're proud of you_.

If they had _spoken_ it, I might question them. But you can't lie with feelings, and I know they mean it.

Everything I could do before the accident is either out of my limits or needs to be retaught. Never without some assistance.

But I am doing pretty good, right?

Hell, I beat Al in sparring tonight! I had _never_ been able to do that.

I would've been happy even if I hadn't. Because Al cares, you know? He really cares, to even try doing that with me, despite my limitations.

So does _he_. I don't know if I would have made it this far with Al. Never this quickly. Al wouldn't have pushed me so hard, but it's what I needed.

I may still be dependent on him for survival, but I'm stronger now.

I feel there's nothing I can't do.


	31. Chapter 31

Ed had always complained about his morning grooming. He didn't mind his bath, but he insisted that standing still for Roy to shave him was pointless. After all, Ed couldn't _see_ the facial hair or feel it so what did it matter to keep it so short?

"Ev-every other _day!_ If this so so important-_important_ to you, why can't it just be once a-a week?"

"Because you look better without a beard," Roy chuckled, carefully pulling the razor across Ed's tanned skin. Roy admittedly _had_ let Ed grow a small beard during their first few weeks of exploration and learning, but he preferred Ed to be well-groomed. Their first shaving session was tricky, as Roy had to somehow convince Ed to stay still, and despite the efforts, Ed's impatience had earned him a small cut on the chin-which he luckily hadn't felt, but Roy still had felt horrible about it.

"Roy?" Alphonse poked his head into the bathroom sleepily, catching the two at their antics; Roy nudging Ed to keep him still while he constantly tried to wriggle away boredly and go get _food_. "You're shaving him?"

"Of course. You kept him shaved too, or else he'd have had a beard when I came to visit." Roy pushed Ed's _helpful_ hand away gently. "How did you ever keep him still?"

"Well, he… he didn't move around that much," Al admitted quietly. "So he never knew when we did it."

"...Right." Roy held the razor out as he offered it to Al. "Care to work on him while here's aware and ornery?"

Al laughed nervously as he accepted, stepping in front of Ed. "I'd be honored."

"Why-why won't you let me _try_ it? I can-I can _eat_ on my own why can't I-I _shave?_"

"You'll only cut yourself, brother." Al gently moved Ed's head to better access under the chin, earning an annoyed sigh.

"Come _on_ Alphonse just a few min-" Ed cut himself off with a gasp of surprise, eyes widening as he seemed to realize that he _knew_ the people in front of him had swapped roles. "Alphonse?!"

"How did you even pick _up_ on that, Ed? I'm barely awake, it couldn't have been my energy!"

"That sixth sense of his is really intriguing," Roy murmured. "I always shrugged off anything that sounded supernatural, but I may need to read into occult practices…"

"Who knows?" Al replied curiously. "Just like alchemy, it may just be a science that we don't fully understand yet. We can't see the energy of chi, but we can sure sense and use it."

"You're right." Roy crossed his arms indignantly as Ed held perfectly still for his little brother's careful hands. "He's a lot more compliant for you than for me."

"Who knows? Maybe he picks up on your personality and subconsciously picks at you because that's how you two used to interact."

"That _would_ explain a lot," Roy sighed. "I suppose I shouldn't complain. He never lets me grow bored."

"Just imagine what trouble he'd be if he knew who you were!" Al coughed nervously as he handed the razor back to his dispirited friend. "Finished."

"Yeah," Roy murmured sadly. "Thank you, Alphonse."

"Of course, Roy."

"Is-is it bathtime now?" Ed suddenly spoke, reaching out blindly for guidance.

_Nod_.

"You two have a routine down, don't you?"

"He likes routine, I've found. It makes him feel more in control." Roy turned the water on in the tub, plugging it tight. "And don't let him tell you any differently, he loves bathtime. He likes to pretend he's swimming."

Alphonse laughed, turning to leave as Ed began stripping. "Don't let him drown, Roy."

"Don't worry, Al. I don't let him out of the shallow water. He's not tall enough for the deep end."

Ed froze, face reddening before he burst out in anger, his voice carrying and waking Winry from the upstairs guest room.

"_DID YOU JUST CALL ME SHORT?!_"

* * *

><p>Alphonse and Winry had kept Ed company while Roy went to work at HQ. Though Ed had initially been a good sport while accompanying Al for Winry's shopping trip, he managed to pick up on her cheerful vibes and successfully guess at what she was doing.<p>

"_Shopping?_ We're-we're taking the gearhead _shopping?_" Ed grumbled in mock annoyance, though his brother caught the hint of a smile.

"Yes, brother. Don't worry, we're going to do _guy_ stuff later. Just indulge her for now, okay?"

"Well if-if we're stuck carrying her crap-her _crap_, then buy-buy her something nice from _me_."

"Oh Ed, you're so _sweet!_" Winry squealed, tackling him in a hug that nearly knocked him over.

"Oh _hell _who-who is that?! Winry, is that you?!"

_Yes_.

"Oh just go and pick something out will ya?!" Just before she could huff and run off, he grabbed her and pulled her into a firm hug. "And make-make sure that you think of me when you use-use it."

"Of course, Ed. Thank you."

_Nod_.

"I love you, Winry."

"Oh Ed, you know I love you t-"

"I-I mean that-like a f-friend! Like a _sister!_" Ed's face had gone beet-red from adorable nervousness. "Because I-I love-I love _him!_"

"Ed calm down, I understand," Winry laughed as she patted his back reassuringly. She frowned as his breath hitched, the pain on his face revealing his mental struggle. "Ed?"

"I-I-" He gasped again, calming when Winry squeezed his shoulder. "I don't-do-do you think I'm crazy?"

"_Crazy?_ Ed, why would you _ask_ that?"

_No_.

"It's just that-I love him but I-I don't even know who he _is_ and-" He clutched at Winry's arm as he struggled to calm himself. "I know it's not nor-normal but even-even with how-how _limited_ I am is-is it even _a-acceptable?_"

Ed finally calmed when he was pulled into a hug by his brother, the familiarity of Al's energy cutting through Ed's stress once he relaxed enough.

"Are-are you o-okay with it?"

_Yes_.

"Even though I-I don't even _know_ him?"

_Yes_.

"You don't find it just a-a _little_ weird?"

_No_.

"People fall in love for a lot less, Edward. It's fine, really."

"You're-you're sure?" Ed hissed and grabbed his head as Winry smacked a wrench across it, finalizing their opinion. "That _hurt_ Winry, that's just _mean_…"

"I thought he couldn't feel pain!"

"Somatic, Winry." Al sighed. "A wrench against the skull isn't painless to the bone. Unless it was his brain…"

"You're gonna give me a con-concuss-_brain damage_ I swear!" Ed growled indignantly. "Oh hell, I don't th-think those words came out right…"

"You spoke fine, Ed." Al grabbed Ed around the middle, tugging him along and nudging Winry to continue shopping.

"Hey-hey! Al what are you-are we shopping again?"

_Yes_.

"Aw maaaaan. Do we have to?"

_Yes_.

"Is she buying anything girly this time?"

_Nope_.

"What a _gearhead_."

* * *

><p>Al and Winry had stayed in our home for one more day after the shopping trip. I knew they had to leave sometime, and honestly, I missed my alone time with <em>him<em>; but I really wanted them to stay.

They left me that Tuesday evening, even before _he_ got home from work.

They led me to the door and each gave me a snug and comforting embrace, as though I knew what was going on.

I think that maybe I did.

I asked if they were coming back soon. No? Maybe I'm a bit neurotic, but I asked if they were _ever_ coming back. A quick yes and more hugs.

I wonder if my father is the fault for my abandonment issues.

They were leaving me alone. He wasn't home to console me when they left, though I had been alone plenty of times and I could handle it.

I'm a big boy.

But that moment that they were gone-

And I really _knew_ because I could no longer feel Alphonse-

I broke.

I was so glad for them to visit me, for the time we spent together.

But they were gone, back home and back to their normal lives again.

They couldn't stay with the invalid in his silly childish dream-world.

_They_ had normal lives that they could go back to, one I would never again have.

_He_ was off at his job like any normal human being, just like Al and Winry.

I was the only one who couldn't just get up, read the paper while I had my coffee, and go about the day all normal and self-sufficient.

I haven't felt so lonely in a long time.

My heart ached.

* * *

><p>Roy arrived home to find the house quiet compared to its two visitors that had just stayed there. He figured Ed would miss his friends, but Roy was glad to have the blond all to himself again to smother him with kisses and snuggles.<p>

"Oh Edwaaard," Roy called cheerfully, trotting through the home. He found Ed at the kitchen table, legs crossed on the chair and head on the table as his hand tapped out an irregular rhythmic pattern.

"Hey, no moping. They'll be back to visit, and you have me while they're gone."

Ed continued the tapping, alternating light thumps with heavy ones, barely a pause between series. He finally stopped long enough to release a weary sigh before beginning again, just as Roy rounded to see the mopey reminiscence on his face, blind eyes glazed and lost in memory.

"Is that a song from your childhood?" Roy sat next to Ed, leaving him to his peaceful memories as he relaxed with a bowl of hot soup.

_Thump-tap-tap-tap, tap-thump-tap-tap, tap-tap-thump, tap, thump-tap-tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-thump-tap, thump-tap-tap_…

The tune sounded unfamiliar to Roy as he tried to match it to music he knew, so he simply ate his soup in peace.

It was only minutes later when he subconsciously picked out a few more common letters in the Amestrian language from the tapping that sounded uncannily like the military's often-used Dorset code. He stared at Ed wide-eyed as he decoded the message Ed had been tapping onto the table.

_...the song in spring, sailing on blue wing, happiness to all it will bring..._  
><em>...and when the bluebird flies free, he will sing for all to hear; it will clear your soul and free you of fear.<em>  
><em>Never worry, Edward my dear… when the bluebird flies free, your mother will always be near.<em>

Roy hesitantly reached forward, stilling Edward's tapping hand. He began tapping a message to the most receptive spot on Ed; his chest.

_That was beautiful. Who taught you that?_

Ed's head had lifted when Roy began, eyes growing so wide that Roy was afraid they'd bug out of his head. He gasped in appropriate response to the first _real_ words that he'd received in over a year, the first words he hadn't formulated in his own mind.

"You-you know-you know _Dorset_ code?!" Ed gasped, nearly forgetting to _breathe_ from his shock.

_Nod_.

"Why didn't you-ever t-_try_ it before?!"

_Didn't know you knew it._

"Are you s-stupid?! I was in the-in the military!" Ed cried, reaching out for Roy. "I was re-required to learn-to _learn_ it!"

Roy put a hand to his face as he recalled that _crucial _detail. How could he have thought that Edward wouldn't be required to learn it, as he was only recruited for his alchemy?

_Sorry_.

"We can-can finally com-_communicate_," Ed gasped, grappling for Roy's hand. "I need-I need to-" his breath hitched as he clutched Roy's wrist, holding onto it for dear life. There was immeasurable _desperation_ in Ed's eyes as they stared right into Roy's.

"I need to _know_ who you _are!_"


	32. Chapter 32

_To justaislinn_: Sorry, but _alchemyfreak42_ guessed Morse code back at chapter 20, but kudos for figuring it out as well! :D

Woooo creativity drive! I'm glad to pop these chapters out to you guys, though the next one or two may take a little longer, my work schedule has shifted back to 12-hour days. Oh well.  
>Thanks for all the awesome reviews guys, I appreciate <em>every one<em>, really I love them. ❤

* * *

><p>Dorset code. <em>Dorset code<em>.

He knew-all of this _time_ he knew Dorset code-

And he never _tried_ to _use_ it?!

He knows alchemy just like I do! Surely he _knows_ who I _was_ and that everyone in the military is required to-

I just don't _believe _he never tried it before!

Al, hell, I understood, he never _learned_ it, and I-I didn't think to even _try_ communicating with him using it, but… _him_…

What an _idiot!_

"Please," I gasp, having received no _answer_ to my plea of his identity. "It's all I want-tell me who you _are!_"

He taps on my chest again, my breath held as I focus on every sequence of _dots_ and _dashes_ as though missing one would shatter my soul.

_Don't get angry_.

"What-" I yank on his arm roughly, already feeling the same emotion he had just warned me against. "_Angry?!_ I'll get more-_more_ than _angry_ if you-if you don't _tell_ me who y-you _are!_"

_Roy_.

"Roy? Your-your name is Roy?"

_Nod_.

I tug eagerly on his arm, my breathing terribly erratic as I gasp out an odd chuckle of excitement. "And-and your last-_last_ name?"

_Mustang_.

I nearly pull away before he can finish, but suspense keeps me in place to hear the full name.

Roy Mustang? That can't be a _common_ name, can it?

I feel my breathing quicken.

"I, I, that's fun-funny, I know a man with that s-same name."

_Edward, it's me_.

"Who? _Who?_ I can't-I can't have m-met you before, the only M-Mustang I know is-he wouldn't-he'd _never_-" I grit my teeth as I struggle to find the oxygen _swimming_ around me.

_Fullmetal_-

"_No!_" I yell, tearing away to tumble backward with the chair. He tries to help me up but I kick out, scooting backward in livid terror.

He can't be-

_Roy Mustang_ wouldn't-

All of _this_-

We're _friends_ but-

He's fucking with me.

He _lied_ to me again!

"I _told_ you not to-not to _lie_ to me!" I scream, leaping to my feet as my body quakes in rage. "No _jokes!_ No _lies_, no _tricks!_ Don't you r-_realize_ how-how much I _need_ this?! How-how-how _hard_ this is," I wheeze, the fire burning out and leaving me heartbroken. "To _love_ a man I don't-I don't _know?_"

I had admitted my feelings to him, finally. I told him how much this means to me, how much I need to know his identity-

Please don't _lie_ to me or screw around with me, what's your _name_-

_I love you too, Edward_.

"But who _are_ you?!" I cry, latching onto his shirt desperately. "Please, _please_, who…"

_There is no joke or lie. It's me, Ed._

"C-c-col-" I gasp and loosen my grip on him, taking a step back. "C-colonel Mustang?"

_Yes_.

"The F-Flame Al-Alchemist?"

_Yes_.

"_Bullshit!_" I yell again, throwing out a fist that's caught immediately. "Like _hell_ you are!" I don't give him a _chance_ to reach my chest again, throwing out another punch. Taking advantage of my precarious balance and slow reflexes, he drops me roughly onto my back, pinning my limbs with his body. I struggle to get my hands free and fight back but he's _heavier_ than I am and my-my emotional state is so _compromised_ that I can't-I can't _fight _him and-

His free hand thumps against my chest again, and despite my anger, I can't ignore it.

_I never wanted to hurt you_.

"But you-he-_Roy Mustang_ isn't-he's not _gay!_" I splutter, my physical struggling finally abating as the conflict turned to my mind.

_I fell in love with you_.

"After I became an-an _invalid?!_"

_I loved you before. I just didn't realize_-

"Liar," I cry weakly, breaking down into pathetic sobs.

I couldn't-

Is this the worst fate to accept, Ed? What's so wrong about it?

He's-he's an _asshole_, a self-centered egotistical _womanizing_ bastard who wouldn't go for a _crippled man_-

Why _him?_ Why? Of _all_ the people-

At least I _know_ him…

But he must be the _worst_ person who could be-

My head suddenly snaps to the side, a pressure on my cheekbone telling me that I was hit. He _slapped_ me.

Was I not paying attention-

No, he _heard_ what I had thought. I spoke without realizing it again, and he-

"Well I, I.. how did you-did you _think_ I would r-react!"

_Our history isn't that bad_.

"You were always-always an _asshole!_-"

_So were you._

"You _kissed_ me-and we _snuggled_-oh god," I gasp, trying again to free myself from his grip. "You-you _bathed_ me and you had to-to _teach me_ to use the-the _toilet_-"

_Stop overreacting_.

"Of all people," I sobbed. "Never _you!_ I never want-wanted to sh-show weakness to _you!_"

_You never have._

"But I-"

_Weakness is giving up, and you didn't_.

"I...I…!" I couldn't just let go of my _pride_, of my stubbornly warring mind, I still felt so unjustly _emasculated_ and-

"Prove it," I gasp in a strangled voice. "_Prove_ you're the-the Flame Alchemist!"

I feel a shift in weight before a crackle of unmistakable alchemic energy. There's a sudden tremor near my chest, almost an explosion of air; and as I suck in a breath, it's almost _unbearably_ hot.

"It's you," I gasp weakly, relinquishing my struggle and letting myself go limp. Roy Mustang was on top of me, still no doubt as I always remember him-in that uniform and all-and he was the one, all this time, who-

"Aren't you _blind?_" I cry in sudden realization, my own lack of sight searing into me like the _worst_ kind of irony.

_Dr. Marcoh healed me_.

"_Healed_ you?! With wh-"

Sometimes I wish I _were_ an idiot. Then I wouldn't figure things _out_ so easily.

"Phi-philosopher's stone?"

_I have a better chance at helping this country with my eyesight_.

"You-you _know_ what the-the _ingredients_ are for a-a-a _stone!_" I finally manage to shove him off, leaping to my feet only to stumble on my first step and go back down again. I _scream_ out my frustration and slam my fist to the floor, feeling sudden pain immediately afterward that causes me to curse.

He takes my hand in his to lift it and _inspect_ it, but I yank it back and hold it to my stomach protectively.

"Don't-don't _touch_ me!"

_Ed-_

"_No!_" I scream, throwing my arm out and up, connecting roughly with something solid. I stumble to my feet and run into the living room, veering around the doorway and bolting for the bathroom. I make it in and slam the door, leaning my body against it as I struggled to contain my rage, my _anguish_.

Maybe I'm overreacting.

No, Mustang _knew_ I was in the military, he _knew_ I had to learn Dorset!

He-

All of this time he took _advantage_ of my disability-

He saw _everything_ that I hated, all of my embarrassing struggles-

He saw me fall into the _toilet_ and oh god I made him promise not to _tell_ anyone but probably his whole _team_ knows!

I'm an embarrassment.

My life has turned into one big joke.

Oh yeah, I'm making _real_ progress, what with this weird energy sensing and just _knowing_ kinda stuff.

But I'm in _love_ with Colonel Roy Mustang?

Laugh it off, Ed.

How could I love him?

Could I really-

My body suddenly moves as he tries to open the door. I shove myself backward, shutting the door once again, yelling out when he tries one more time.

"Leave me _alone_ I don't _WANT YOU!_"

I angrily await the door to move again, but it never does. Minutes go by, the time seems to stretch on as I'm left alone to my silent and still world.

I curl up against the door and hold my knees to my chest, breaking into wheezy sobs of immeasurable _loneliness_.

I did this.

I pushed him away.

But right now, I just don't think I can be with him.

* * *

><p>Edward had made it clear. He wanted nothing to do with <em>Roy Mustang<em>, only the fantasy of the man he'd been with for months.

Roy nursed his jaw from Ed's earlier _retaliation_, though it was hardly the thing causing him the most pain.

"_How could I love him?_"

Roy had heard those words clearly through the bathroom door. He _knew_ just from the way Ed had _said_ them that he didn't mean for it to reach Roy's ears.

He had confirmed it minutes later.

"_I don't WANT YOU!_"

Ed had requested to be left alone.

"I'll leave you alone," Roy whispered coldly. He didn't go near the bathroom door, simply took his soup into his study and locked the door behind him.

Roy had never specifically done anything to earn such _hatred_ from Ed, had he? Some irritation and ire, but the pure _rejection_ from earlier…

Maybe Ed was just being too prideful. Though for as much help as he'd accepted lately, he wouldn't have foreseen Ed reacting quite so badly about reputation and _appearances_.

They had shared the same home, the same bed, the same _life_ and _love_ for months now, despite the circumstances. Yet in one night, in one argument, Ed had clearly shown his extreme disapproval for Roy. Renounced his _love_ for the man.

Ed couldn't be expected to accept their relationship immediately, but Roy didn't realize Ed harbored such animosity toward him, or viewed him as such a cold man. Could it just be the _shock_ of learning that Roy was his… the man he was in _love_ with?

_Ed loves me_. _Or is it just the idea of me?_

Roy cursed as the memory of Ed's desperation and anger blocked out all else in his mind.

_He looked so betrayed. Does he think I don't feel the same way? All of the love I've given _him _and he-_

_But he looked just as hurt_.

Ed asked to be left alone. Roy would oblige him and leave him alone until he called on Roy again.

The ache in his heart remained from Ed's sheer _rejection_.

"_Of all the people_," Ed had said. Roy sighed and poked at his soup, suffering an extreme loss of appetite. He finally surrendered and left his bowl to head upstairs, _alone_, and turn into bed early.

Though he knew he knew he'd be lucky to get _any_ sleep.


	33. Chapter 33

_To justaislinn_: Roy's team knows about Ed's condition and living arrangements, and until now Roy has kept all visitors to a bare minimum for the sake of Ed's sanity. But now that Ed can communicate and differentiate people... well, let's wait until an Amestrian winter, hm? ;)

* * *

><p>I've been so lonely.<p>

I did it to myself though. I rejected him-I rejected _Roy_ so completely, balked at the idea that I was in love with _Mustang_ and overreacted to my idiotic pride.

So it's Mustang, so _what?_ He's been putting so much time and effort into my care, into my _happiness_.

He taught me to get up and move on my own. He brought me into his home and taught me the closest to self-sufficiency that I'll ever have.

And after all that I had suffered through, he showed me happiness and bliss in the face of adversity.

He supported me after the failed transmutation when I was a child. For years as his subordinate, he tried to help me find a way to restore my brother and I. He only ever tried to help me with a good heart, if not being a smartass along the way-

He was cold when it was required, he pushed me when I wanted to lay down and not get up. He helped me back on my feet when I fell and he was so much _more_ than just my commanding officer, but I never gave _possibility_ to the idea of _love _between us because-

I'm not _gay!_

You keep telling yourself that, Edward. Yet you loved _him_ completely before you learned of his identity.

He's too old for me.

People have fallen in love with larger age gaps.

What about _Hawkeye? _Those two had such..such _chemistry_.

Does it matter, Ed? He fell in love with you, your limbless body with automail and your caustic disposition, despite everything else and every_one_ else and every other possibility that makes more sense.

And you repaid the love and trust by throwing it in his face and abusing him, _screaming _at him, running away when all he ever did was to run _to_ you and support you.

Would he ever forgive me?

I don't even know when he's around.

He doesn't come to me. He doesn't bathe me or take me to our bed-_his_ bed. He leaves me alone all day to the couch and my devices and my introspective mind.

I miss him, but I treated him so badly. I want to call out to him, _cry_ out for him, and feel myself in his arms again.

Even if it is the man I never wanted to see my wavering pride.

Instead I suffer from the same irrational fear that had kept me from so long asking about my brother. I cry alone on the couch, suffering needlessly rather than opening up and just trying, just _asking_ him for forgiveness.

I don't know how long it's been. Without him, I've lost my sense of day and night and I'm stuck in my lonesome hell of white again.

I wish Alphonse were still here. Even without Morse code, I know we could still communicate, and I need _support_ right now.

I'm just being illogical and stupid, because I know that the only _real_ support I need, the only one who can heal my heartache, is him.

But I'm not alone. I broke _his_ heart.

He's done so much already. He must truly love me.

So...so he would forgive me, right?

He wouldn't give up on me after one... _lover's spat_, right?

I slowly pick myself off the couch and make my way tiredly to the kitchen. My appetite has been crap these past few- I assume it's been days, it feels like so _long_...

Reaching into the fridge, I have difficulty finding a drink. After I finally find one and down it, I cautiously check for another. I'm alarmed to find it completely empty, even when I browse the other shelves I never need to navigate.

He let me run out of food.

Is he-is he _here_ right now, making more next to me and I don't even know it?

"Roy?" I ask weakly, speaking for the first time since I-since I screamed at him. "Are you-are you there?"

I don't expect an answer, so I'm not surprised to receive none.

I explore the kitchen, not finding him anywhere in the room-not at work making my food at the counter, or eating his own meal at the table.

"Roy?" I call again, exploring the other rooms of the downstairs. His study, the bathroom, the living room, I even venture up the stairs and check the bedroom and bathroom and new rooms completely alien to me and I trip and fall and get _lost_ but that's not the cause of my stress it's because he's not _there_ and I need him-

I need to _apologize_-

And not just so he makes me more food.

I don't think he'd let me starve, anyway.

I _did_ really overreact...

I eventually find my way out of the strange area, though I don't realize it until I get to the stairs, _miss_ the step, and tumble down them to land on my right shoulder and still-sore right _hand_ and I cry out in pain, but nobody comes.

He's not home. He wouldn't ignore me falling down the stairs-

He's not here.

I curl up where I landed, rolling onto my left side as I hug my hand to my stomach and choke on sobs.

This is all my own fault.

I pushed him away.

I just hope I can win him back.

* * *

><p>Roy glumly threw more produce into his cart, pushing the haul through the section. He had neglected to do this the day before, though he knew that Ed was low on food.<p>

He wasn't trying to be abusive by starvation. Roy had simply been paying too much attention to his work as an alternative to suffering through heartache.

For _three days_ Ed had completely ignored Roy, remained silent and curled up on the couch in self-inflicted isolation.

For three days, Ed had silently cried and clutched at the red blanket, leaving the couch only for an occasional smoothie or trip to the bathroom.

"I have to say something soon," Roy sighed as he stocked up on Ed's vitamins. "Or else that little shit will starve."

Ed had barely eaten anything since the altercation. One day's worth of smoothies had lasted Ed for three, and he was already slim enough without losing any more weight.

Roy would rather have Ed shopping with him, not home alone and alienated.

But if that's what Ed preferred...

_No, I'm breaking the silence tonight. Immediately when I get home._

* * *

><p>"Hey hey, make it <em>quiet!<em> He has neighbors you know, we can't get _caught_ doing this."

"Why are we ambushing him? Why can't we just attack him head-on?"

"Are you stupid? Have you _seen_ his flame alchemy? He can kill us with a snap of his fingers!" The lock on the door clicked open with a bit of expert prying, two figures slipping into the house in the faint dusk light. "We have to catch him by surprise and knock him out as soon as he comes in."

"Right, right."

Closing the door behind them, the two men slipped into the dark home. Prepared to lie in wait for Colonel Mustang, their attention immediately turned to the body slowly rising from the foot of the stairs.

One man hit the other as quietly as possible, pointing at the blonde man. Waiting until he settled gingerly onto the couch, the two intruders made their way to him to knock him unconscious.

"Roy?" His weak call froze both men in their tracks, though the taller and bolder stepped forward to confront him and do the deed.

"Roy are you there?" Two golden eyes searched around, met the cold brown of the taller man, and kept on looking.

"It appears we have a blind man on our hands," he said with intrigue, surprised when Ed didn't reply to his words.

"Really?" The second man skittered into view, gazing curiously at Ed. "He doesn't seem to mind our _unfamiliar_ voices."

"That is a bit unsettling. Are you used to strange men in your house, Goldie?"

"Nice one, Mitch." He snickered.

"Don't use my _name_, you idiot! Blind or not, this guy can incriminate us with our names!"

"Yeah, because we're not doing that well enough on our own," came the dry reply. "What was your handle again?"

"It's Devon. You _do_ remember yours, right?"

"Uhm, well..."

"Unbelievable," Devon growled. "It's Brandon. The closest name I know to _brain dead_."

"_Hey!_ Just because I'm a little forgetful-"

"You're a fucking _idiot!_ Just shut up, this guy must be listening to every word."

Almost as if on cue, Ed called out for Roy again. Receiving no response, he stood, tiredly heading toward the door with his right hand still held protectively to his chest.

"Where do you think you're going, Goldie?" Devon growled, striding forward and grabbing Ed's left wrist when he didn't answer.

"Roy?!" Ed gasped in reflex, freezing immediately. He reached forward tentatively with his right hand, its skin flushed red from injury. "Is-is that you?"

"What the hell, is this guy a _retard?_" Devon laughed, grabbing Ed's sore hand and squeezing it as tightly as he could, earning an anguished scream. His hand slapped over Ed's mouth, muffling the loud sound.

"_Geez_ Devon you're gonna get us caught!" Brandon hissed, pulling the two apart when Ed's pained cry turned into pathetically frightened whimpering.

"This guy kinda looks familiar," Devon said, ignoring Brandon. "Shine your flashlight on 'im so we can get a better look."

"Uh, yeah, okay."

"He's older now, but I remember that face and that voice. That's the little shit that caught my ass and got me thrown in jail!" Devon shoved Ed, knocking him roughly to the floor. "But how the hell did he end so messed up?"

"I dunno, but I don't think we should be messing with him. It ain't right to mess with the handicapped."

"You ever see how this guy kicked ass years ago? I don't care what he's like now, he earned himself some payback!"

"Mitc-Devon, I don't think he can hear anything we're saying. Just let the man alone."

"Are you-"

"We're here for Mustang, not him!"

"Well maybe I'll just take my anger out on this man instead! Military state alchemist, same thing as Mustang! Only this guy's fucked up and I _really_ get to fuck with his head!"

"Who are you," Ed whined pathetically, cringing when Devon yanked him to his feet. He kept his swollen right hand protectively to his chest, trying to guard it from further attack.

"Your new best friends, kid. Come on Brandon, we're taking him with us."

"Devon, I don't... I really don't approve of this. Its not _right_ to mess with the handicapped."

"Are you gonna back out on me now? You know Mustang got you five years in prison for something bogus!"

"Yeah and that's on _him_, not this guy!" Brandon walked toward the door. "I'm not gonna be a part of this. If you want him, you gotta take him yourself."

"Brandon!" Devon hissed, dropping Ed to the floor on his face as he ran to the door. "You're really gonna _quit?_"

"Mitch, this ain't right. I don't see this turning out well in any outcome."

"Fine, you pussy. Get out of here, I'll do it _myself!_"

Devon returned to Ed, kicking the downed man in the ribs.

"If you're not deaf, I suggest you get your sorry ass up before we have to do this the hard way."

"What the hell do you want?!" Ed cried, throwing a fist with his left hand. It connected with air, but the flashlight that slammed into his skull was dead-on and knocked him out instantly.

"You still have some fight in you, huh kid? This will make it more fun," Devon growled, grabbing Ed under the arms to drag him away. "Damn you're-heavy." Dropping Ed, he remembered Fullmetal's metallic limbs and checked the left leg, yanking the automail off and throwing it aside. "Won't need this, cripple," he laughed gleefully.

With a much lighter load, Devon dragged Ed out to his vehicle and threw him in, leaping into the driver's seat for a quick getaway. The car disappeared into the night without a trace, leaving no clues for the Flame Alchemist as he returned only minutes later.


	34. Chapter 34

_To Taisiya Yuyu & shaatt_: I have every other Monday off, and yesterday was one! As for this chapter… well, this is what I do on my breaks, other than food. (Although this seems more of a minichapter in length, oops)  
><em>To MagnificentFern<em>: Sorry to disappoint… satisfy? you, but Roy won't be the one to rescue Ed. He's saved Ed from insanity once, he can't do it again!

* * *

><p>Hauling his load of fruits and vegetables, Roy slipped his key out only to find the door cracked open. Quietly setting down his bags, he slid his gloves on and entered the home with caution, peering into the darkness for any hint of trouble.<p>

He cleared each room silently and stealthily, fingers poised to snap at the first sign of danger. He expertly made his way through the dark home, wary of the unsettling _stillness_ and lack of life.

He hadn't found Edward. Not on the couch, not in the kitchen, nor in the bathroom or even in the _bedroom_.

"Edward where the hell are you," Roy hissed as he made his way through the house more quickly, his search growing frantic as he desperately tried to find his absent partner. "_Edward!_"

Roy _had_ found the front door open. But surely Ed wouldn't be dumb enough to-

Maybe Ed really _did_ hate the idea of Roy being the man he loved.

But to _run away_ was _suicidal!_ Ed couldn't take care of himself!

Throwing caution to the wind, Roy bolted through the house like a madman, searching it thoroughly two more times to find it completely vacant. He made a mad dash for the door, _hoping_ to find Ed before he got too far-but his attention was drawn to the mysteriously overlooked automail as he tripped over it.

"What the-" Roy's breath caught in his throat as he saw the leg in the shadow of the moonlight, the living room's lighting not quite reaching the limb. He grabbed it and _stared_ at it, dumbly taking a minute to come to horrored realization.

Edward didn't run away. He couldn't _run_ without his leg.

He had been kidnapped.

Roy flew outside to look for a sign of a car, of _something_ to help him find Ed, though he knew his chance was long gone by now. He grit his teeth and returned inside to snatch up the phone and frantically call Hawkeye, explaining the situation to her and recruiting her for search & rescue. Shoving his bags of produce carelessly into the fridge, he threw his coat back on and left the house to search.

* * *

><p>My head is pounding. My spine is twisted in an uncomfortable position, causing a mild ache at the base where I had just gotten over my injury.<p>

What the hell had _happened?_ It felt like I was being attacked earlier, but was it just my imagination?

As soon as I roll slightly to relax my spine, a painful jab to my ribs stops me cold.

I didn't imagine _that_.

"Who-who are you?!"

Another sharp pain and I try to scoot away, but it's so _hard_ to move.

Who's attacking me? Where's Roy? Why isn't he stopping this?

What...what if this _is_ Roy?

I-I know I hurt him but-

"Roy?"

The hits only grow harder, threatening to crack my ribs.

I'm being _kicked_.

If I don't stop the attacks, they'll break my bones.

"I'm _sorry!_" I yell, trying to curl in on myself and guard my tender side. "I-I didn't _mean_ to-Ow! Stop _kicking_ me!"

I swipe out with my arm to try and counter the attack, but it's out of blind anger and not automated defense so I miss. I'm rewarded with my attacker taking my throbbing right hand and slamming it to the ground. White-hot pain courses through me and I find myself laying on the floor, clutching the hand to my chest as I pathetically gasp for relief.

All of the attacks on me have ever been imaginary or perceived, or when Alphonse only did what he thought right to preserve the tatters of my broken life.

But this is real.

As I feel a stunning blow to my head, I realize that if I don't fight back with everything I've got, I could _die_ here.

I can't die yet.

I haven't had a chance to apologize to Roy.

And I-well I hope he forgives me, because I want to keep being his partner. His boyfriend. His _invalid_. His live ragdoll, _anything_, as long as we're both _happy_ again.

I'm not going to just _take_ this. I'm going to make it through so I can apologize to him for what I said. To explain to Roy that I still _love_ him.

I react subconsciously, my arm blocking another blow. Again I block, scooting back with a menacing growl.

There's just enough of a pause to scramble to my feet, but even with working around my out-of-commission hand, I fail to stand. I try once more before I suck in a sharp breath of panicky realization and reach to feel for my automail.

It's _gone_.

"Give it-give it back!" I yell angrily, trying not to let fear overpower my anger.

I can't _see_ anything.

I don't know if I can defend myself.

All I can do is rely on my subconscious and hope Roy finds me in time.

I hesitate to react for just a moment and nearly black out from pain as my hand is slammed to the floor again.

My hand was feeling better earlier, but I think I broke it when I fell down the stairs. If I didn't, it's shattered now.

And this bastard is taking full advantage of that.

I block his foot with my left hand, yanking my right to safety and blocking with my elbow. I miss the incoming hit to my chest, but grin defiantly despite the pain.

Maybe I can't win, but I can sure as hell keep fighting.


	35. Chapter 35

_To MantaCat_: Your reviews make me giggle.  
><em>To Taisiya Yuyu<em>: I would be okay with that! As long as there was love. ❤ Though I imagine Roy would crave more, and while Ed understands that, he will be curious and ask about it in the future.

* * *

><p>I'm in so much <em>pain<em>.

I know he managed to crack one of my ribs, despite my attempts to block him.

My back-

He's been throwing me around and slamming my body in so many ways, and the pain is back nearly as cripplingly as before.

He's had enough of my yelling and stuffs something in my mouth to gag me. I don't feel it there or recognize the hindered breathing for anything other than pain, but I know what it is when I feel the gag reflex and vomit what little lies in my stomach out into my cramped mouth.

I can't fight much longer, Roy. Where _are_ you?

* * *

><p>"You're a resilient little shit," Devon growled, clutching Ed's head by the hair. "But I'm getting tired of your mouth."<p>

He silenced Ed with a balled-up rag, intrigued when at first there was no reaction. He grinned when Ed vomited into the gag, extreme nausea on his face as he began coughing and reaching for the gag with his only good hand.

"Ah-ah-_ah!_ It stays in. _Everything_. I don't want to hear any more of your crap." Devon grabbed Ed's left wrist and yanked roughly on it, aggravating the pain in his shirtless upper body as his ribs were jarred.

Ed hissed and continued his struggle to escape the abuse, attempting to scoot away using his right elbow. When he realized his captor had kept hold of his left arm, he lashed out with his right leg, freeing himself with a kick to Devon's neck.

Another feral growl of warning escaped Ed's throat, causing only choking that made him freeze as he struggled to breathe through the messy obstruction in his mouth and the pain of his cracked rib.

"Geez. I've broken your body but not your spirit. This isn't any fun. How do I break you all the way?"

Devon reached forward to gently run his hand over Ed's cheek, brushing a deceptively gentle feather-touch across the skin.

"You live with another man, huh? I guess you're _gay_, then?" Devon watched Ed carefully for a reaction to the touch, receiving none even when he reached down to run his hand across Ed's inner thigh. "What, you can't feel your skin either? Holy hell man, what kind of life do you have, why do you keep _living?_"

Devon finally earned a reaction when he grabbed Ed's ass and gave it a tight squeeze, the deep pressure registering in Ed's panicked mind. He gasped in terror and tried his damnedest to get away, fear finally marring the pain and replacing defiance in his resolve.

"Oh, you felt _that_, huh?" Devon pinned Ed to the floor, one leg on Ed's right as he held Ed's only good arm with the right hand buried excruciatingly under his own body. He held fast as Ed tried desperately and futilely to escape the grasp of his kidnapper with muffled screams of protest.

"Whassamatta? Don't you get this luxury treatment at home?" Devon cooed mockingly, sliding his hand across Ed's rear and down into his pants. "You sent me to prison, kid, and it fractured my future. Well now I'm gonna return the _favor!_"

Devon slipped his finger into Ed's rear, holding him steady as he jolted in fear and writhed frantically, his muffled screams of desperation going unanswered.

* * *

><p>He-he-<p>

No. _No_. No!

I'm not-

I don't _want_ this. I can't _take_ this!

Get off of me-get _out_ of me!

I scream and try to get out of his grasp, but I'm weak from pain and abuse and not _eating_.

My back arches as he digs in further, shocking my system with pain and nausea and _violation_ and that's _it_ I'm _done_-

I don't know how, but I whip around and manage to throw him off. Unsure of how long I have my mind reacts quickly and I remember a circle, I know what to _do_-

Suffering through the unbearable pain that has become my right hand, I cry into the gag as I stretch the fingers and slam my hands together. I drop down to the ground as my hands meet it, causing the explosion of air that sends me rolling and tumbling despite how close I had been hugging the floor.

I wonder what the explosion sounded like. I had never used it before, but judging from how far I had rolled, it was powerful enough to do what I'd hoped-knock him off his feet and stun him.

I don't know how _long_ I have though. I can't take a minute of reprieve, I have to escape him and this place before he comes after me again-

Hell I wish I had my _leg!_

I crawl as quickly as I can, gasping from the pain in my rib. I _think_ he only broke one.

I pause only for a moment to pull the soiled rag from my mouth to free my heavy breathing, never so glad for my lack of taste and smell, before pushing on.

Damn automail damn hand _dammit_ where's the _wall?_

It's just like home-if I can find the wall, I can find a doorway and try to escape.

Is he just standing there, watching and waiting for me to get close to freedom only to drag me back in?

It doesn't matter. I won't stop fighting.

Does he think he's going to break my spirit? He's gonna have to kill me first. He doesn't _know_ what I've already seen, the hell that I've been through even before I lost my senses.

But I _really_ need to get back to Roy.

I keep moving, finding the wall as my head bumps painlessly against it.

That probably would have hurt if I could feel it.

Focus, Edward!

Hell, I hurt so much.

I choose _right_ and turn, keeping my body angled to lean against the wall as I crawl. Unfortunately, I think I need the support of the wall or I'd fall over and not be able to get up.

My path takes me through something slick and I slide, falling onto my left side and knocking my head against the wall. I scramble to return to my crippled crawl to escape his captivity, fear gripping me because I don't know when he's gonna _catch_ me.

A doorway!

I've never been so happy to reach out and find only air.

I scurry into the new room, keeping close to the wall for bearing's sake. Moving as quickly as I can, I hit some things that I assume are furniture because they don't move easily like an open door would, though I wish I could _find_ the damn exit door!

Shuffle, shimmy, scoot, slip! What _was_ that slick stuff? It's slippery. I give it a sniff, then laugh at myself for even trying.

Keep moving, Elric. You have to get out of here alive, worry about your sanity _later_.

Door, door… hell, even if I find it, it's gonna be a _bitch_ to open it.

Why can't Roy just appear and _rescue_ me? The rest of the way, at least.

I hang my head as I remember his moments of sheer _incompetence_.

Sure, he's given me my life back… but honestly, I'm glad I was able to defend myself.

Just don't tell him that to his face, Ed. You're trying to make nice.

The hell with _making nice_, I just got _kidnapped!_

I collapse from sudden exhaustion, panting heavily from the pain and exertion as they threaten to strand me in this alien and hostile place.

No, no, _no_, get _up_ Ed, you can't give up now! You're so close!

How the hell would _you_ know?

He could be standing right in front of me and I'd never know until it was too late.

I suck in a sharp breath of unsettlingly familiar panic, searing my ribs with more pain. I scold myself in disbelief.

You're having a panic attack? Here, _now?_ Get a _grip!_

My body shakes as I battle to regain control of my fractured nerves and erratic breathing.

You haven't let him see you break yet. Don't give in now.

I find the energy inside me and crawl forward, suffering onward for the goal of two men.

Fullmetal and Flame.

Freakin' fags.

I snort in laughter and pause my advance to relax my heaving ribs.

I called myself a fag! _Haha_.

And yet I'm still a virgin. I wonder if I'll _die_ a virgin. Because even though I love him...the thought of _sex_ really turns me off. I think it's my condition more than anything else.

I wonder how _he_ feels about us physically?

You'll never know if you get stuck here, so keep _moving!_

Door. Door. _Door!_

A depression in the wall tells me that I found a _door_. I just hope it's my way out of this place.

I balance oddly on my right knee and the stump of my left, reaching up to fumble with my good hand in search of the knob. Turn, turn, it surprisingly opens easily and tells me that it was unlocked.

I hope this is the _exit_ door!

I tumble out as the door gives way and I suffer a loss of balance, unluckily landing on my right hand again. I clench my teeth together to hold in my cry of pain so as not to alert my captor.

What I wouldn't give for one of my medicated meals now.

I begin crawling again, steadily feeling my core temperature lower. Either it's really cold in this room...or it's nighttime and I've made it outside.

To _freedom_.

I push on, having no way of knowing my destination or if I'm crawling right into the path of traffic or hungry animals. I'd take either over that kidnapped again, holy _hell_.

Why would someone attack a handicapped man?

I know I haven't been the _nicest_ person in my past, but to garner that wrath when I could barely defend myself? I hope I can tell Roy about him, and he'll burn the bastard to a crisp.

"Flame," I wheeze, my movement slowing for my exhausted body, the permeating cold only amplifying my aches and pains at every movement. "Snap, need heat…"

I've traveled a short distance further when I feel hands grasping me under the ribs. Fearful that my captor has returned, I bear the pain as I try to escape the touch.

"No! _No!_" I'm free in moments, but there's a pain in my right hand as it's _touched_ and I tear it away, rolling onto my back to defend myself with what limbs I _have_ and there's a hit to my chest so I make a hit to his _face_ with my leg-

I can't go back, I _can't_, I have to find _Roy_, I need Roy, leave me _alone!_

I'm outside. I can call for help!

I scream as loud as I can, thrashing as he tries to silence me with a pressured hand on my mouth.

No, _no_, I _won't_ go back! I'll never stop fighting you!

I will my mouth open and bite down, unsure if I had bitten him until the pressure leaves and I resume my loud screaming.

I hope _someone_ will come, because I can't find Roy alone.


	36. Chapter 36

_To Taisiya Yuyu_: God of cliffhangers? That's Goddess, ma'am! (haha)  
><em>To shaatt<em>: Ed's so awesome, he rescued himself!  
><em>To gaap237<em>: *laughing* I love how well you know our little blond 'devil'.

* * *

><p>"He's barely eaten anything in days. And they took off his <em>leg<em>," Roy hissed, shining his flashlight into the night next to Hawkeye. "When I find who took him-"

"We'll see that he finds justice," Riza finished, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Her offered smile was wrought with concern of the situation. "Focus on Edward. He needs us to find him."

"Of course." Roy sucked in a shaky breath, continuing his search.

It was Riza's flashlight that shined on the malformed body with the painfully slow and haphazardly crawl.

"_Sir!_"

"Lieutenant?!" Roy's flashlight met hers and the two _bolted_ to the figure, confirming it to be Edward.

He looked like death warmed over.

He was drenched in drying blood, his golden hair plastered to his face with the crusty crimson color. It contrasted harshly against the pale skin of his pain-contorted face as he crawled slowly and jerkily, each movement jolting him with visibly jarring agony.

His right hand was held guarded especially from the ground as he moved, both officers noting its swollen and inflamed condition.

"Help me sit him up," Roy ordered more calculatingly than he would have preferred, but he was just so _concerned_ for Ed and Riza understood perfectly.

"I wonder how far he came," She replied softly as Roy placed his hands under Ed's arms and lifted, startled but unsurprised when Ed immediately reacted by writhing around to slip out of the grip.

"No! _No!_" He cried in terror, freeing himself from Roy's grasp easily. Riza reached forward to help, but made the mistake of grabbing his injured hand and launching him into a fully defensive mode in which he rolled onto his back, kicking Roy right in the face when he tried to snap Ed out of the panic.

Despite no further touch to the blond, he panted shakily before he began _screaming_ at the top of his lungs, halting Riza in hesitant concern. Roy realized before she did that he was trying to alert help, but they didn't need anybody else privy to this scene, or anybody trying to stop the only man who could wake Ed from his living nightmare.

Pressing his hand to Ed's mouth to silence him, Roy began tapping on Ed's chest frantically in an attempt to _communicate_ with him, and was only rewarded with a bite strong enough to draw blood.

"_Shit!_" Roy yanked his hand back, Riza's flashlight highlighting the sheer feral cornered _panic_ on Ed's face before he began screaming again.

"_Sir!_" Riza knelt down, grabbing Ed less than gently to restrain him in a firm hug with his back against her chest, careful to keep his limbs restrained to prevent injury to either of them. "You have to wake him up!"

"I _know_ that, Lieutenant!" He clamped his hand over Ed's mouth again, careful of the sharp teeth that he had to brush every morning. His stomach turned at the wild rebellion in Ed's pained eyes, but he had _seen_ that expression before and knew that Ed wasn't lost to him.

He began tapping on Ed's chest again, keeping the frantic screams muffled as Riza kept him mostly stilled.

_Tap, thump-tap-tap_. _Tap, thump-tap-tap_. _Tap, thump-tap-tap_.

He repeated the pattern over and over, praying that Ed would pick _up_ on it and return to sanity long enough to question the situation.

_Tap, thump-tap-tap_.

The screaming died down, replaced with confusion clouding his fearful eyes.

_Tap, thump-tap-tap_. _Tap, thump-tap-tap_.

Roy pulled his hand from Ed's mouth as the screams stopped completely, replaced by heavy and erratic breaths.

"_Ed_," he whispered, golden eyes jerking around before angling down as if to see where Roy was tapping out the name repeatedly on his chest. "_Ed, Ed, Ed_."

"Yes." Roy nodded Ed's head by the chin, heartbroken by the sudden surge of hope on his bloodstained face.

"Roy?!"

_Yes_.

"Oh hell Roy-" Ed sucked in a breath, nearly choking on it as he wheezed through shaky sobs. "Roy I-he tried to-he broke m-my-" He slumped in Riza's arms as he gave into the supportive arms and the relief that flooded his broken body. He allowed himself to freely cry, barely managing to ask for more confirmation of who was with him.

_I'm sorry, Ed_.

"Where-where w-were you? When they-" Ed didn't need to voice the rest, Roy picking up on his meaning and on the apprehension to complete the sentence.

_Picking up your food_.

"He-he took my _leg_, I-I couldn't _walk_," Ed wheezed, Riza able to feel every tremor in his shaking body.

_It's safe at home_.

"I-I want to go-to go home," he replied, aware of the blatant childishness of his statement and the tone of his whine.

_We will. But your hand is broken._

"Hospital," Ed whined understandingly. "And-and my-my _ribs_ too," he added. "Roy who-who's hol-holding me?"

_Riza_.

Ed tilted his head back, golden eyes visible to Riza as he offered her a smile.

"Thank-thank you. I'm warmer-warmer now and I-I'm exhausted."

Riza released Ed's right arm to tap a reply to his chest, her Dorset message lighter and slower than Roy's and with more pause between words.

_Of course. We love you, Edward._

"I-I love you too," he replied with an honest smile. He released a shuddering breath, holding his throbbing hand comfortingly to his chest as he was allowed time to just _relax_.

"We have to find who did this to him," Riza reminded Roy.

"I know. It's just-"

"To know he's safe," she finished for him.

"Yeah." Roy leaned forward, tapping gently on Ed's chest.

_Edward_.

"Roy?"

_Riza will keep you safe. I'll return in five minutes._

"Where are you-" Ed tensed in her arms, relaxing moments later as his eyelids drooped. "Roy I-I can't give you any-any clues I'm-I'm sorry," he replied tiredly.

"You know just where I'm going, don't you," Roy chuckled. "It's all right, Ed. I'll find him."

_I find criminals without you all the time. I'll manage_.

Ed jerked in Riza's grip, fire in his eyes.

"Yeah okay you-you _overconfident_ smartass!"

Roy laughed and ruffled Ed's head, leaving the blond huffy and confused as he succumbed to the comfort of Riza's embrace, slowly drifting off in her arms to the rhythmic rise and fall of her breathing.

* * *

><p>The trail wasn't all too hard to find. The flood of Roy's flashlight contrasted shadows better than the sun could have done, revealing where Ed had been half-crawling and half-dragging his body across the sidewalks and through the dirt. He was impressed when he found a spot that Ed had nearly gone off-curb before turning and following the sidewalk again.<p>

He knew he was growing close to the source when he found dried blood forming a trail across the pathway and grass of the average home. He held his glove poised and ready to snap, slipping inside the gaping doorway into the darkness of the living room.

He edged closer to the eerily silent glow of the adjacent room, painfully aware of the blood trail leading through the doorway.

Expecting the perpetrator to be long-gone by now, Roy was alarmed to see the pale and still body lying in a pool of blood. A quick inspection revealed a split skull to be the cause of death.

Mitch Kurkowski. Roy _recognized_ the man.

He was a man wanted for abusing women, beating up new girlfriends and occasionally date-rape. Ed had helped Roy find him, whupped his ass good, and cackled victoriously as they drug him away.

And this was his payback.

Roy put a hand to his head as he thought of all the _people_ Ed had pissed off in the past. He would have to safeguard Ed to make sure this didn't happen again.

But _how?_ He didn't think Ed would want to stay cooped up in a house for the rest of his life, just for the risk of danger.

"_Let someone else try something. I'll kick _their _ass too!_" Roy could easily imagine Ed yelling out that challenge, and he couldn't help but grin.

"Yeah Ed, I bet you would." Roy gazed at the mess of the room. Other than a table knocked over, the only evidence of what had happened was a smear of drying vomit and a discarded rag near the wall. "Now what the hell happened here…"

He left the building, stopping at a payphone to report the situation to the authorities. He knew he would have to file a report on the situation, but for the rest of the night, his attention was purely on getting Ed the finest medical care.

As he neared his diligent Lieutenant, he noticed Ed was peacefully sleeping in her guarding arms. His troubled frown softened into a smile as he watched his two blondes enjoy a moment of respite together, despite the troubled world they faced every day.


	37. Chapter 37

I hear voices.

That's odd, I can't _hear_, how do I hear voices?

The colors swim before my eyes, revealing a hazy vision of Winry sitting by my bedside. She looks so young, I wonder what's going on?

My right arm hurts like hell. I _did_ just have my hand mangled, didn't I?

Ow, _ow!_ My left leg-

I hiss and ask her what happened. She doesn't answer, but I hear a curiously familiar metallic clanking enter the room.

_Alphonse?_ But I got your body back, what's going on?!

No, you didn't-

Did you sacrifice your body for my senses?!

No, no, _no!_

I try to sit up, but Winry stops me and yells at me about my ports.

"_Automail surgery isn't easy, Ed! Now lay down and rest!_"

Automail surgery?! What the hell did the kidnapper _do_ to me?!

I pant frantically and try to lift my right arm but the entire _limb_ is only a mess of cables and wires. I cry out and look down at my leg, but that's when I freeze.

My _leg_ is a mess of the same surgical nightmare as my arm… and my body is entirely too small. Using my left hand, I yank the blanket off and pull up my shirt.

There's no scar.

I'm in a _memory_. This isn't _real_.

As soon as the realization hits me, everything goes white and silent and I'm left alone again to slowly grapple with reality and pray for sanity to save me from breaking apart at the seams.

Roy, are you there? I need bearing, I need help. I can be strong but it's-it's so hard to do it _alone_.

I reach out as I fight to steady my breathing, tearing my hand back as I remember what had happened the _last_ time I reached for someone and thought it was Roy.

Kicking.

Gagging.

My _hand_.

And then he-

I feel a tapping on my chest, returning me to the _here_ and _now_ and letting me realize that I've slipped into a full-on panic attack. I know it's Roy with me, but I react without thinking and swipe out at him as I release a strangled cry before I go limp and break down into sobs.

_Tap, thump-tap-tap_.

_Ed. Ed, what is it?_

"Lost," I wheeze, grabbing for his free hand with my left. "I-I just-I just need an-an anchor."

_Me?_

"Well who-who _else_, dumbass?!" He takes my hand and I grasp it tightly, thrusting out memory of the kicks to my side and replacing it with Dr. Stein's soothing touch. I replace the feeling of _violation_ with the trust of Roy's caring bathing. Yet the feeling still slips in of my body thrown against the wall and I fail to hold back the outcry in reflex.

_Ed?_

"How _long_ is this gonna haunt me?!" I cry, for the first time failing to kill the panic attack as I _will_ it to go away, and it creeps back in on me like-

Like _him_ into my _anus_ and I can't-

_Ed, Ed, Ed!_ A harder hit to my chest finally wakes me from my writhing and returns me to _Roy_, to the comfort of my fractured sanity.

"Oh god," I moan, turning my head to the side. "I can't-I-I _can't_-I'm so sorry Roy I'm still-"

My entire body moves to the side before I feel a weight next to me, the surface shifting under-under _him_, Roy has joined me in the bed. He moves my arm comfortably to my belly and lays his across my chest, gently running his hands over my unscathed ribs with just enough pressure to be soothing.

I asked for an anchor, and he's here to hold me fast to the present.

Why is this _affecting _me so badly?! I wasn't even this traumatized while it was _happening!_

But I knew what was going on. I was stuck in fight mode.

Here, I'm waiting for stimulus, I'm jumping back and forth between fight mode and just being able to _relax_ but maybe because it's still so fresh in my mind-

I never got rid of the hell of trying to bring back mom, I hope _this_ doesn't stay with me forever.

_Tap, thump-tap-tap_.

I slipped again. Despite his embrace, my breathing had grown frantic and I lost my grasp on reality.

I'm swimming between worlds again, feeling all too powerfully my limitations on _perception_ and it's _killing_ me because I thought I was stronger, I thought I could take _anything_.

"I'm so weak and broken," I gasp pathetically, burying myself into his embrace. "One s-stupid incident and I re-_regress_ so much-"

_Quiet. This happens to people all the time_.

"I-I can barely stay a-afloat!"

_It can be hard to grasp reality after trauma_.

"But for how _long!_" I cry, trying to fill my blank void with visions of happy things.

_It could be hours, or months. Time will tell_.

"I-I can't-I-"

You've done so much Ed, come so far. Surely you can suffer through this a little longer to get back to strength and stability.

But I-I want the peace of mind _now_.

It took your entire childhood to get that.

And then I lost it with one trip to the gate.

Yet for all that was taken from you that day, you still found survival and life and _love_ and strength in all of that. You're not going to let one silly little abduction break down all that you've built, are you?

_Tap, thump-tap-tap_.

How is my breathing? Still fast, but my stomach isn't doing flips and I don't feel on the brink of breaking. I'm calming down and he just wants my attention.

"I love you, Roy," I manage, reaching across with my broken right hand to drape it over him and hug him. "I'm-I'm sorry I pushed you-you away."

_Given our past, I don't completely blame you. I'm not that bad though, am I?_

I choke out a laugh, losing myself to the conversation of the present and leaving that dark night behind.

"Like-like fine wine you-you've improved with age."

_You drink, Edward?_

"Shut up and-and take that insult."

_I thought that was a compliment_.

"If you're not-not lying, you must get-get pissed in the face all the time."

_You know politics well, Ed._

I snort in laughter, relaxing in his embrace. Pulling my right hand close, I note that it's pain-free.

"How-how is my hand?"

_Broken in two places. It's in a cast._

"Oh _whaaat?_ How long-long will it take?"

_Two months._

I grumble and curse as I nest the casted appendage between our bodies.

_I'm sorry he broke your hand_.

"No, no, I... He-he made it worse but I-but I hurt it by-by falling down the stairs."

_What were you doing upstairs?_

"Looking for you."

_Ed, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have ignored you_.

"No. I shouldn't have re-reacted so horribly. You've done nothing-nothing but _be_ there for me and I-and I-it's just dumb _pride_ and not f-fair to _you_."

_You may be more prideful than I, but I'm not without fault._

"I know you're not." I grin slyly, earning a pressured poke between my healthy ribs that I try to shy away from. "Hey hey _hey_ stoppit!"

I'm giggling like an idiot when I feel him pull away and leave my side. I start nervously, reaching out with my left hand for him.

"Roy?"

He tilts my head back and I feel the pressure on my neck-

It's the first kiss we've had since our fight.

The first time I've kissed _Roy_ and not _him_.

I was afraid it would feel different, knowing I was kissing the Colonel...and though it _does_ feel different, there's no lack of love, no second-guessing.

There's only a swelling of happiness in my heart, bubbling into my throat and threatening to spill out as more emasculating giggles.

I'm dizzy when he finally pulls away, my head swimming from lack of oxygen and surplus of ecstasy.

_Ed. Ed, Wake up_.

"If-if this is a dream then-then I don't want to wake up."

_I love you too. But I have to leave for a while_.

With those few words, my excessive happiness disappears to be replaced by irrational fear.

"Wh-why?"

_Calm down_.

Oh hell, I _am_ breathing kind of fast.

_I have to file a report on last night. I'm not leaving you alone_.

"Lieu-lieutenant?"

_No. Sergeant Fuery_.

"But-but I-what if I-"

Calm down, Ed! Sergeant Fuery is a capable man. He'll protect you.

But what if I slip into a panic?

Just don't.

Easy for you to say.

How? I _am_ you.

Dammit, I'm going _nuts!_

_Ed. Ed._

I reach out for Roy but he only taps on my chest, leaving my grasping hand unanswered.

_I should be back tonight_.

"I-I won't know when that-that is, you know."

_Kain will tell you._

"Did he see us-see us kiss?"

_Yes._

"He's here now?"

_Yes. I love you Ed, I have to go now_.

"Oh-okay." my hand falls to my side and I focus on a mental image of Roy leaving my hospital room. He pauses at the doorway to give me a reassuring smile-_and then a lusty wink!_ Geez even in my _imagination_ he's a pervert!

_Ed?_

I snap out of my reverie in reply to the name, looking around despite the uselessness of the action.

"Who?"

_You!_

"Yes that's my-my name. Who are _you?_"

_Oh, sorry. It's Kain!_

"S-slow down," I order, tapping my hand on an unknown surface just to demonstrate. "Too-too fast, do it like-like this."

_Sorry. I use Dorset code more than anyone else, I think. It comes as natural to me as speaking!_

He's still a bit fast with the pattern and more long-winded than I'd care for, but it's definitely Kain's personality and I can't bear to dash his good-natured chattiness.

"It-it's good to have a way to communicate." I relax my neck by rolling my head to the other side, my breathing evening out. "Jean and Heymans know Dorset-Dorset too right?"

_Yeah. Jean forgot half of it though, I think. I…_

Hell, I lost track. He's going too _fast_.

"S-sergeant please slow-slow _down_ I can't understand it."

_Call me Kain_.

"Kain." I smile, tapping my chest. "Tap slower and-and harder for the-for the dashes. I'm sorry, I'm still-still a little new-new to this."

_Sorry, Ed. Is this any better?_

"Way better," I confirm with a grin. "Now you-you have to tell me how everyone's been at work." I sense his enthusiasm to my right, so I shift my body slightly to get comfortable. "Spare no-no detail. I-I want to know _everything_."

_You got it, Ed! First I have to tell you about Heymans. You know he went on a diet and lost fifteen pounds! But then he went off and gained twenty…_

Fuery's tapping wavers back to rapid more than once, but he quickly adjusts it so that I can understand. It's a welcome constant anchor to this world, the present reality, and I wonder if Roy chose him as my watchdog for that reason. Not to mention his underestimated capability, and I feel safe even with my kidnapper still out there. I had forgotten to ask Roy about him in the midst of everything going on, but I'll find out later.

For the moment I just process the alternating patterns of light and heavy to my chest as they come.

It feels good to be a part of the world again.


	38. Chapter 38

_To Castianamicheals_: Eventually he will! In the fuuuuuture...  
><em>To shaatt<em>: Not at all! Fear not, Roy will be on Havoc's ass to brush up on Dorset.  
><em>To Spawn of Hades<em>: Kindles aren't typically made for ragefits. Please don't abuse the poor thing because I abuse Ed.

* * *

><p>I had been made to stay at the hospital for only one night. I wonder if it was Roy's doing to get me back home so quickly.<p>

It _is_ only a broken hand and fractured rib, right?

I wonder if they wanted to keep me there for psychiatric reasons.

It's not _my_ fault I slipped into a panic attack three times that night.

As soon as the Dorset stopped.

As soon as Kain fell asleep and fell on me.

And right after someone _moved_ me without telling me first.

Don't they understand what happened? It's like that PTSD for soldiers. I've seen that in action.

I was just _kidnapped_ and kind of tortured.

And _sexually_.

I still haven't told Roy.

We're in his car now as he drives us to his home. I have my head against the window so I can feel every bump on the road.

_Ed_.

"Yeah."

_I have a surprise at home for you._

"A sur-surprise?" I don't move, but I'm sure my curiosity is echoed in my tone.

_She is going to be careful of your rib, but Dr. Reed is making a house call_.

I mouth his words before I feel the vibration of vocalising them.

"Dr. Reed? Who is-who is she?"

_Dr. Stein_.

I suddenly choke on air at this new information.

"You mean my-my back doctor is-she's a _she?!_"

_Why does that surprise you?_

"I-I named him-I mean _her_-Dr. _Stein!_"

_Because she's a doctor of the spine_.

"Oh god she-she must think I'm a crazy person."

_She heard of you from your glory days. She already knew you were insane_.

"You-you encourage the exaggeration of my-of my mental instability, don't you," I replied glumly, putting a hand to my face.

_Of course not, Ed. I respect you too much to do that_.

I fall silent just as the car stops and can't help but smile. He keeps surprising me with how sweet and un-asshole-like he really can be.

He taps my arm in encouragement and I try my hand at the car door. I don't remember where the lever would be, but I run my hand across the panel in thorough strips until my hand snags on something. Giving a yank, the solid surface gives way, leaving me dangling in satisfied surprise as my seatbelt holds me back from hitting the ground.

"Score another one for _Elric!_"

* * *

><p>Dr. Reed will be here soon! He told me she called just before she left.<p>

I've gotten ready for her. I'm lying shirtless on the couch, my left arm under my head and right hand just above it.

"You know my-my back _does_ hurt a little."

There's a heavy pressure on my _ass_ that I can only assume is Roy leaning on it. Before I can complain, a tapping just on my back translates in my mind with little effort.

_Did he harm your back or did it just flare up?_

"Well I-I think it's a little of-of _both_. He didn't target-_target_ my back but he-he _did_ throw me around a lot."

_Is that how he broke your rib?_

"No, that was from kicking me."

A pressure on my back compresses my ribs and weighs on my lungs, causing an ache and labored breathing. Due to the absence of Dorset, I assume he's leaning on my back as well as my rear.

"Are-are you just being thoughtful," I wheeze; "Or are you _deliberately_ trying to-to suffocate me?"

The pressure is gone as soon as the words arrive, leaving a twinge of pain at the base of my spine.

_Sorry_.

"No you're-you're not, you're still on my ass!"

_It's just so comfortable_.

"I love you t-too but it hurts my-my back, get off."

_Are you just saying that to get me off?_

I open my mouth to answer, but I shut it to avoid walking into the trap of his phrasing. I endure the sudden pain as his weight shifts, gasping sharply before panting.

"Roy please, _off_. We can snuggle-snuggle later."

His weight leaves me and the twinge hits me again. I would be able to relax if not for the sudden association of _pain_ with the abduction and-

I can barely move. My hand is done for, I can't _use_ it, I can only use my left to defend myself.

My head, he slammed my _head_ into the wall again-

I lash out, my left hand connecting with something solid, I hope it's that _bastard_, then I roll onto my back to defend myself-

I fall to the floor and cry out as I jar my back and my rib, flooding me with adrenaline as I desperately try to back away and escape.

Where is he, where is he going to attack from next?!

My chest. He hits my chest and I scoot back defiantly, kicking upward with my leg but he's too fast and escapes the collision zone.

He tries to hit me again but it's gentler this time; I grab his wrist with my left hand and twist down, threatening to snap it. I follow through on my threat, imagining the pain as I press harder despite the ineffective hits placed to my chest-

I'm suddenly torn away by a second assailant behind me. They make the mistake of taking me by the ribs and leaving my arms free-

My right arm flies back, the surprisingly painless hand colliding with them.

In only moments I find myself pinned horizontally, arms and leg restrained. The hits return to my chest in a distantly familiar pattern.

_Tap, thump-tap-tap._ _Tap, thump-tap-tap._

_Ed?_ That's Dorset, right?

_Tap, thump-tap-tap._

Yeah, that's Dorset. But why...?

Horror washes over me as yesterday and today return to my memory and I realize where I _am_ and what had _happened_.

Oh god, I was fighting Roy. I went back to a place I want to _forget_ and Roy tried to-

I was _fighting_ him.

"Roy," I cry, reaching out with my good hand for him. I shudder out tears of regret as I try to sit up. "Roy I'm so sorry-"

_Ed. Calm down, we're okay_.

We?

Oh no there _were_ two people here with me-

"Who did I hit?"

_She's fine, Ed. Relax_.

Dr. Stein.

She came to heal my pain and I slammed my _casted hand_ into her.

"Doctor," I gasp, clutching my hands to my chest as I slip further into my panic. "I'm-I'm so-so sorry I-are-are you o-okay?"

_Nod_.

"Where-where did I hit you?"

_She's fine, Ed. Don't worry about it_.

"_Where_ did I _hit her?!_"

* * *

><p>Ed hollered his question angrily, the alchemist professionally transmuting his panic into anger. He glared at empty air until Dr. Reed sighed in defeat, picking up on her presence and turning his angry eyes to her, their primary emotion turning to concern moments later.<p>

"Please, just tell him."

Roy gazed at the red mark on her cheek and placed his hand to Ed's chest, tapping out the message.

"Her-her _face?!_"

_Her cheek. She's uninjured, Ed_.

"She came here for me and I hit her," he whined in a strangled voice.

_She knows you didn't mean it. I told her about what happened._

"But Roy she's-she's here to help _me_ and I _hit_ her!"

"Tell him a bruise on the face is fine with me. As long as I can crack bones, I don't mind!"

Roy relayed the message to the overstressed blond, relieved when Ed cracked a grin.

"You're-you're really not upset?"

Dr. Reed shook Ed's head gently, unable to resist pulling him into a hug when she saw his nervous smile.

"I-I'm sorry Dr. Reed, is there any-anything I can do to make-to make it up to you?"

"He knows my real name?"

"I told him earlier."

"Well, tell him to make it up to me, he can just keep calling me Dr. Stein!"

Roy hesitated before tapping the message to Ed, his own question voiced by the younger man.

"What? Wh-why?"

"I feel honored to have been named! Besides, it's such a cool name."

Roy tapped the reply to Ed's chest, earning a silly giggle from him. Surprising both, Ed grabbed Roy and tapped a message into his chest, his reply completely hidden from Dr. Reed. Roy stared at him incredulously.

"Really, Ed?"

"What? What did he say?"

_I'm gonna tell her_, Roy tapped to Ed, grinning when he reacted with red-faced embarrassment.

"No no don't-don't _tell_ her!"

"He said he wondered if you have any-"

"You're not _telling_ her are you?! Roy!"

"Any friends or relatives named-"

"Roy hey _c'mon_ she'll think I'm _nuts!_"

"Named Frank because together you'll be-"

"_Roy!_"

"-Frank and Stein."

Ed grew silent, picking up on the sudden shift in energy as Dr. Reed put a hand to her mouth to stifle her snickers and giggles.

"That is _too cute_-" she managed to get out between mad giggling, watching Ed's face turn beet-red.

"Why did you _tell_ her Roy I'm gonna kick your _ass!_"

_Wouldn't you rather kiss it?_

Preferring to keep their chat private, Ed tapped his reply into Roy's chest, fingers almost shaking from embarrassment.

_You are such a damn pervert._

_I never hear you complain when I go after your ass._

Ed grew silent for a moment, his introspective expression slowly changing to disgust and fear.

"Ed?"

"No," he gasped quietly as he crossed his arms over his chest, looking as though he was trying to curl up and disappear. Roy's gentle touch earned not a defiant swipe but a terrified flinch.

"Edward! What's wrong with you?" Roy tapped into Ed's chest again but he wasn't having it. He tore away every time, backing away on the floor as he struggled not to cry. He only froze and returned to reality when his head was tilted back for an imaginary kiss.

"R-Roy?"

_Yes. Ed, what was that about?_

"I..." _Ask me when we're alone._

_...Okay. Are you ready for the chiropractor?_

"Oh so _this_ is what chiropractic is!" Ed suddenly exclaimed, interrupting the tense silence humorously. "Yeah okay doc bring it-bring it _on!_"

"I have to say that Edward is one of my favorite patients," Dr. Reed remarked, gently rubbing the muscles along his spine to help relax him after the tense events just minutes earlier.

"What, and I'm not?" Roy asked in mock insult.

"You're not one of my patients."

"Judging by how much Ed enjoys his appointments with you, I believe I should be."

"I'd be more than happy to take you on as a patient," she replied cheerfully, cracking Ed's back.

"Hey Dr. Stein do you want to come live with us," Ed murmured dreamily, stretching comfortably under her touch. "You don't hafta worry-worry about living with two men cause we're both _gay_."

"_Ed_." Roy put a hand to his face as Dr. Reed laughed so hard she had to pause in cracking Ed's back.

Even through his relaxed bliss, Ed picked up on Roy's reaction and revealed it with his trademark shit-faced grin.

"He's always a handful, isn't he?"

"If you only knew."

* * *

><p>Despite Ed being so relaxed that he was nearly napping, he picked up on Roy walking Dr. Reed to the front door and bolted to them, sliding to a stop inches from his partner.<p>

"Ed?" Roy watched him curiously as he nervously hesitated.

"Have you come to see me off?" Dr. Reed cheerfully asked, surprised when Ed's golden eyes turned to her in reply.

"Thank you for coming-for coming to do me. My-my back!" He blushed as his fingers fidgeted nervously. "I-I like it when I see you." Before either could speak, he stepped forward and pulled her into a gentle hug.

"You are too sweet," she said softly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

"Not according to Roy," Ed replied with a snicker, realizing he'd responded to her words with uncanny accuracy when the hug disappeared and he was turned and taken in a different set of hands when Roy grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Uh-h-hey, who is that? Roy?"

_Nod_.

"I just replied-replied to a feeling. Did I do it right?"

_As well as if you'd heard her words._

"This sixth sense _is_ pretty neat," Ed grinned, holding out his hand for Dr. Reed. "I-I hope I didn't freak-freak you out _too_ much!"

"It is his specialty," Roy added.

"And he's even more fun for it. I've always been a sucker for troublemakers." She obliged Ed by shaking his hand, positively melting from his satisfied grin.

"You have yet to live with one."

Ed followed them to the door as Dr. Reed left, stopping right in the doorway in time for a cold gust of autumn air to blow in and chill him to the bone.

"Is-is it winter now?"

_Almost_.

"You-you have a fireplace right?"

_Of course. Come inside._

"I mean you-you don't have to light it _now_ but when it starts to get cold-get colder out we might _need_ it."

_I know_.

Roy sat them both on the couch facing each other, Ed's left hand in his right as he began tapping the Dorset with his free hand.

_I know this won't be easy, Ed. Take your time_.

He saw the unease in Ed's expression and posture as he continued.

_Tell me what happened when you were kidnapped._


	39. Chapter 39

I'm glad you guys like Dr. Reed! Not trying to sound cool or anything, but I mostly based her personality off of mine, haha. Only she's taller and prettier and makes way more money than me. I:  
>And I thrive on reviews. I refresh the review page more than is healthy, haha. Thanks for all of the awesome reviews guys! ❤<p>

* * *

><p>I know his hand is in mine, I can feel it squeeze as I lower my head and hesitate to speak.<p>

Can he really blame me? It's not something that I can just explain like a new alchemic method. It's…

_Tap, thump-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap, tap, thump-tap-thump-thump._

I sigh and pull my hand away from his, carefully crawling forward until I gently bump into him. Turning my body, I nestle into his embrace and lean back against the comfort of his breathing.

"I-I can't tell you what happened," I begin shakily, "if I'm sitting a-alone. Because I-" I pause to take in a deep breath and steady myself. "I was sitting alone on-on the floor and I, I didn't know-didn't know when the next attack was-was going to come."

His arm slides around my waist to hold me comfortingly in place.

_I'm listening_.

"I thought it was you," I blurt, clutching at the arm he has around me. "When-when he came into the house. But my hand-" I lift my right hand up, feeling it ache painfully at the memory. "It already hurt and-and he _slammed_ it to the floor-"

_Ed, calm down. I'm right here._

I'm breathing fast and heavy and I've just begun to explain the event to Roy. How will I tell him what happened just before I escaped?

"S-sorry. I...he kicked me and then I-he must have knocked me out because when I-I came _aware_ again he kept-" I inhaled sharply, gently tapping his hand on my injured rib. "Kicking over and _over_ and then he hit my head and I tried to fight back..."

He understands my need for a moment of reprieve, undoubtedly thankful that I'm managing to regale the tale without breaking down again.

"I must have been making too much noise because he stuffed something in my mouth to gag me-"

I could feel the sudden change around me, as though he _knew_. His arm squeezes around my middle and I clutch at it like a lifeline.

"You-you've seen it, haven't you," I whisper. "That's where you-when you left me with-with the Lieu-Lieutenant."

_Nod_.

"Was he there? Did-did you catch him?"

I figured he had been long gone-

_You're safe. Don't worry_.

"He-he can't get to me?"

_No_.

I exhale in shaky relief, relaxing in his supportive arms.

I don't want to keep talking, I don't _want_ to relive what happened. I know I owe it to him though, as he's the one who cares for me during all of the panic attacks, takes all of the _abuse_ I dole out… and loves me despite all of it.

I owe it to him because that's what people who _love_ each other do. Care for each other's complete health.

"I love you," I murmur, holding his arm tightly as I allow myself to slip into the horror of that night.

I tell him about the kicking and how my body had been thrown around on the floor and against the wall, how I was rolled and flipped and disoriented until my back was in so much pain that I couldn't fight back as well but I never _quit_. I never let that bastard see me break, I never gave in.

"Until-"

_Ed?_

I know he can feel my shaking. _I _can feel it, and I'm in his arms. He tries to nudge me into speaking again, but I just-

I don't know, I feel stupid for feeling _bad_ about it. I mean, sure, I'm a _virgin_ and it's _new_ to me but is that really something to get all freaked out over the way I did? After all, I do live with a _man_ and would call myself gay now, but…

I feel so _emasculated_ for what happened and maybe I shouldn't. Nothing _really_ bad happened, he just-

He's shaking me. I'm panicking again and writhing in his arms as though trying to get out of my own skin. My elbow shoots back out of reflex and slams against his chest, his sudden grip on my own injured rib causing me to freeze from the pain.

"I'm sorry," I cry weakly, settling into his stilled embrace. "I-I just-he-I'm being such a-such a-" I grapple for the arm that he'd torn away from my hand, then release it as soon as it's given to me. I try to get up but he holds me in place. "No, just-just let me go, I-I don't-_you_ don't-I'm-I'm making a big deal out of-out of _nothing_."

He's nudging me again, but I don't want to say any more. He taps my chest to tell me that whatever it is, he supports how I feel about it and he just wants to _know_. But I can't-

How do I tell him that I was _raped?_

Would he ever look at me the same way? Would he still want to hold me like he's doing now? Would he _chide_ me for acting so ridiculously upset about just another physical attack?

_Edward. Ed. Ed. Edward!_

"No," I gasp, shaking my head. I try to get away from him, I don't want to _tell_ him, it'll be easier to just not burden him with it. I manage to squirm out of his arms, but in the struggle to escape, I only fall to the floor and react to the sharp pain in my knee as the lingering bruise jolts pain through my body.

My annoyingly _achy_ body.

That's all right, no matter _how_ much pain I'm in, I'll never show him any weakness.

I release a feral snarl and tear away as he tries to grab my arm.

He tries to pick me up by the ribs, but I shove him away, escaping yet again.

I'll _never_ break, you bastard! Gag me and beat me all you want!

The new touch to my ass sends a fresh kind of fear through me, one I can't explain that makes me fight even harder to try and escape.

"No, _no!_" I thrash around, trying to get _him_ out of me, to tear away and get free of the inescapable feeling of _penetration_ that lingers-

A rough blow to the head puts me in a daze, and despite the horror that I had just been reliving, I return to full awareness in a relatively peaceful horizontal position. As soon as the feeling returns to my lower body and I begin to squirm, a tapping appears on my chest.

_Ed. What the hell happened to you?_

Roy.

Dread grips me as I realize what he'd _seen_, that he knows I'm not telling him something crucial. Can he blame me?

"I-I'm afraid you'll think I'm-I'm over-overreacting," I admit. "That maybe it-it's just because I-"

_What, Ed?_

"I mean it's just-it _barely_ hurt but-"

He pries further as the words catch in my throat yet again.

I feel so full of shame for succumbing to something so minor. I release his arm, fearing he'll only push me away when I finally tell him what happened.

_Ed._

"Well I-"

_A little more, Ed._

"_Dammit!_" I smack my head with my hands as I try to grasp it and get a _grip_ on my weakened disposition. "I'm being such a-such a goddamn _wuss!_ All because he-he stuck-I don't know _what_ he-he used but he-he stuck-he put-something _in_ me, Roy I'm sorry, he shoved it right up my a-my-my-he _raped_ me I-"

Just as I break down into sobs, just as I need him _most_, he disappears. I'm shoved to the empty end of the couch and the cushions shift as his weight leaves.

He _left_ me.

* * *

><p>Roy had been pleadingly supportive of Ed's struggle to explain the traumatic event. He was laying all of his patience into weaseling out the point in the kidnapping that Ed had been hedging on and trying to avoid, despite having caused the most psychological damage.<p>

Roy almost wished he'd left Ed keep it a secret.

"-he _raped _me I-"

Raped?

"_Rape?_"

Roy leapt to his feet, unable to control his anger. It was all he could do to make sure Ed didn't fall off the couch in his upchuck of fury before he stormed away to burn off his _rage_.

"I don't care _how_ much someone kicks your ass," Roy growled to the absence around him; "you don't _rape_ someone who can't defend themselves!"

He stormed back into the living room, snapping his fingers to ignite a loud and hot explosion in the fireplace as it roared to life. He turned to Ed as she sobbing blond cried out from the sudden alchemical and explosive energy rupture.

"Edward," Roy sighed, his anger deflating as the strong man in front of him broke apart faster than a dime-store puzzle. He walked forward to take Ed into his arms again, always willing to pick up the pieces and put him back together.

Though surprised by how quickly Ed latched onto him, he could understand why. Ed needed him now, silent or tappity, just for support.

"Roy," Ed gasped, turning his fearful golden eyes upward in the futile search for Roy. "Do-do you-... D-do you think I'm-um-overreacting?"

_No_.

"But I-" he grit his teeth, bowing his head as he hesitated. His grip on Roy never wavered. "It was just-just one more physical attack and-and I can't _explain_ it-why it-but it was-"

_Violation_.

Roy finished for Ed when he went silent, pulling the shaking man into his arms.

He didn't know if he could help Ed get over this. Not quickly enough, _never _quickly enough, any moment longer that Ed suffered was too much for Roy to bear.

He knew plenty of politics and the suffering of war, but rape had never been a part of Roy's life or something encountered in his job. He didn't know who to trust with Ed's _secret_ to aid him in overcoming the pain.

"I love you," Ed said again, his deathly grasp on Roy's shirt stretching it to complete ruin. He sounded so broken, so _compliant_. So unlike Edward, and it tore at Roy's heart.

_I love you too, Edward. I'm sorry that you have to suffer for this_.

"Why is it haunting me?" He whined, burying himself against Roy for comfort.

_Something very personal was taken from you_.

"It sh-shouldn't have bothered me more than-more than a kick to the-to the _ribs_ godammit!"

Roy laid down with Ed in his arms, holding him securely and willing to help him through the tumult in his abused spirit.

"Y-you didn't ask me how-how I escaped," Ed sniffled, his grip on Roy lessened only slightly.

_No, I didn't. Tell me_.

"I escaped _myself_," Ed replied, the pride audible in his voice helping to stave off the unpleasant memory of the personal violation. "I'm the _Fullmetal Alchemist_ and I-I used a sound-sound explosion. I never used it be-before, but he never came after me, so it-it must have worked. Was he still unconscious when-when you got to him?"

"Unconscious," Roy sighed, the memory of the dead and bloodied man fresh in his mind.

Could he tell Ed? No, not yet. Not while he was still dealing with the fresh hell of the rape.

_You haven't lost your touch. He wasn't going to get up any time soon._

Ed grinned triumphantly, snuggling with Roy more comfortably. Due to lack of feeling, he was completely unaware as Roy used the blanket to wipe away the drying tears on his face.

_See Ed, you're still strong. You still kick ass. No matter what he did to you, it's not permanent. You'll bounce back._

Ed's eyes were half-closed as he processed the Dorset, his mouth moving slowly in repetition. He sighed, a hint of a smile visible.

"I know. I just wish I-I didn't have to _deal_ with it."

_Whenever you do, I'll be right here with you_.

"And-and what about work?"

_I'll be with you._

"You'd take off-off of work? For me?" Ed frowned. "But you-"

_Everybody misses you, Ed. And everybody at HQ knows Dorset. I think a reunion is in order!_

Ed froze in realization that _Roy_ intended to take _him_ to work.

It wasn't the fact that Ed was so much _less_ than he used to be that bothered him.

He would have to face _everybody_.

He feared for his life.

He would have to face _Major Armstrong_.


	40. Chapter 40

40th chapter! Then again they're so short that I can't go by number. I judge the success and awesomeness of this story by how much you all love it. Thanks guys. This story almost stayed just a tale in my head.

_To gaap237_: I'm not alone! Haha. And no, I post each chapter as I write it. The original version of this story had Ed never regaining any of his senses and at the end...well, it was a bit more of a stab in the heart. Not a happy ending. You guys have influenced me to make it a happier story. :D  
><em>To Taisiya Yuyu<em>: Of course it'll be stressful. He's not over the kidnapping or what happened during it. But Ed has always blossomed in the face of adversity and drawn on others around him to help him through. Roy knows this will be good for him.

* * *

><p>I don't think I'm ready to go to HQ yet. It's not even Armstrong, either. I know Roy wants to help speed my <em>mental<em> recovery with socialization, but… I don't want to _break down_ around other people. It's embarrassing enough around _him_, and already Riza and Kain and Dr. Stein have seen it, but I…

People at the military remember me for my strength. Kain told me I'm inspiration to a lot of them.

What if they all see me breaking apart in front of them? What kind of image would they have then?

Roy pulls a second shirt over my head after the first. I grumble about being overdressed, but his patiently tapped reply is '_Late autumn, cold out_' as he fiddles around with the front.

"Is this a-a button-up shirt?"

_Nod_.

"What color?"

_Light blue_.

"And my pants?"

_Yes, they do look nice on your ass_.

"Roy don't _make_ me knee you right in the-"

He silences me with a sudden kiss, reminding me of his attraction to my disagreeable personality. What a _sap_.

"I love you too, asshole," I mutter once I'm able to breathe again. He pokes me between my uninjured ribs and I resist my strong urge to _punch_ the smartass.

_I need more warm clothes for you. We can go shopping later._

"Endless hours of you dress-dressing and _undressing_ me? Pass."

_I could alchemize you some new outfits. I'm not very good at making clothing though._

"I was great at it," I mutter, batting away his hands as he fumbles with my head. "Before I lost my _eyes_."

_Hat_, is his only reply as I feel the pressure on my neck and movement of my head once more. He taps my hand against my head, and already I feel warmer.

"What, no scarf?" I mutter, but am rewarded with one moments later. Me and my big mouth. "It can't be that-_that_ cold out!" I wheeze as he wraps it around again and ties it a bit tightly. "Looser, looser!"

He's still next to me, right? Can he hear my request? It's too tight, it's compressing my throat uncomfortably.

"Roy?" My back hits the wall from maybe one whole inch away as I lose my balance thanks to his desire to add _shoes_ to the mix. One foot, then two, then _another_ top as he puts a third layer on me. This must be the coat. "Roy, the scarf-the scarf is too tight."

_It's not even hugging your neck_.

"Can't you _loosen_ it?"

_Any looser and it'll be off_.

I frown and reach up, pressing my hand against my neck curiously. I can't feel my hand or the scarf, _hell_ this is annoying.

Am I just _imagining_ the constriction? I feel my breathing grow easier as no more hands touch it.

_Great_. It's all in my mind. I'm even more mentally unstable than I thought.

_Ed?_

"Well are we-are we _going?_"

_Yes._

As he leads me outside I feel my body temperature drop, despite the warmth he'd layered me in. Some invisible force pushes me to the side and threatens to land me right on my broken hand, but Roy's quick reflex keeps me upright.

"What-what the hell was _that?_"

_Strong winds._

"I was almost knocked over by the _wind?_"

_You are pretty small and light_.

Support or not, I threw that punch and socked him one.

"_Call me short again and see what happens!_"

We stop moving despite still being upright, and I wonder if I did more damage than I realize.

Well he shouldn't _tempt_ me like that!

"Roy hey-hey, let's go, I'm cold."

Within minutes we're in the car, the wind unable to slice through me further. I shiver and hug the door after he belts me in safely, always craving support to ground me in this sightless world.

_Are you okay?_

I smile and lean my head against the window. I wish I could feel the cold glass.

"Yeah. Just miss sight. I'm fine."

_Even though they can't see..._

He trails off, leaving me curious and prodding for the rest.

"Roy? Roy, what were-were you going to say?"

_...your eyes are still beautiful_.

"Now I _know_ you're gay," I snicker. "That's too-too sappy for the Colonel."

_Men aren't allowed to voice their attraction?_

"Not using a word like that!"

_Why not?_

"Well it's-" I stop talking as I have no valid reason to argue. Am I being homophobic? No, just stereotypical. Well, if _he_ can be sappy then so can I. "...It's perfect from you."

* * *

><p>I know Roy tried to get me to wear a military uniform. He was getting dressed for work <em>upstairs<em> while I was drinking my breakfast in the kitchen and I _felt _the alchemy. I don't know how I knew that he altered one of his uniforms to my size, but I did. I called him out on it just after my bath and he admitted it.

I can't wear one of those, I'm not _in_ the military now! Not to mention I never liked the looks of them anyway.

The car stops and he escorts me out of it like a gentleman. I hope I display dignity on my visit to HQ.

Not that I ever did before, but...

Heheh.

Oh, we stopped. Why are we stopping? I await patiently for movement or orders. Like a soldier. _Sigh_.

_Ed, we have a long stairway to climb. Will you be okay?_

"Of _course_ I will! I've-I've ran up these things _plenty_ of times already!"

_Pace yourself, humble one_.

"Pace _this_." I jolt forward before he can stop me, forgetting my dignity as I rush toward the stairs. Oh shit, I don't know where they _are_-

My foot hits the bottom step and I fly forward, throwing my left hand out. It connects painfully with the diagonal stairs before my face has a chance to and I shove off, scrambling on my way up the stairs like a three-legged dog before I catch my footing and I'm running up just like I used to.

I slow down because I'm-I'm _tiring _easily and this is _annoying_-but before he can get to me I trip again, hit the stairs, and start to roll backwards.

I cry out in panic, clutching my hands to my chest as I try to keep them from harm. My left wrist is sore now thanks to practically _landing_ on it minutes ago when I began my ascent-

I can't afford to have them _both _broken, I'm so _reckless_-

And motionless.

Two strong arms are holding me safe in seemingly midair, only the heels of my feet touching solid ground. I dare not move and upset his precarious balancing act.

"R-Roy?" I only relax as he stands me upright before nodding my head. "...Sorry. I kind of-um, ran ahead…"

_I noticed_.

"Are we almost at the top?"

_Not even close._

I groan and hang my head, offering my arm for him to lead me. Surprisingly, he doesn't take my wrist; he hooks my arm in his.

Is this his proclamation of us being a couple? Or is it easier to keep me upright this way?

_Is_ our relationship public? Hell, I never asked him if anyone else knew!

I should probably ask him before we make it all the way inside. I can focus on Dorset once we're completely horizontal and off these exhausting _stairs_.

Seriously, are we almost _there?_ I'm getting tired.

_Pathetic_.

Shut up, I haven't had a chance to work out recently.

Only with Al, and lack of energy whupped your ass before _he_ could.

And then you didn't eat much… and got kidnapped and beaten-

"How much _further?_"

_We're halfway up._

"Only halfway?!" I whine, slamming on my brakes and stopping him as well.

_Ed? You said you could make it_.

"I'm _fine!_ Just need a-a _break_."

_Not as easy as it used to be?_

"I'm out of shape."

_I can tell_.

Before I ask what he means, he presses on my abdomen. I can feel my organs compress under his touch, but it's not the uncomfortable visceral pressure that bothers me.

"Roy I'm not-" I grasp his arm a bit too tightly. "I-I can't see or feel it and-and I don't _know_ if-I mean-did-did I-Roy did I put on _weight?_"

His arm jerks in mine as he starts shaking. _Why?_ Are you _laughing?_ I give it a yank, nearly taking us both back down to level ground.

"_Roy!_"

_No, Ed. You're a little underweight right now. Your muscles are less defined than they used to be_.

"Underweight?" I repeat confusedly. "But-but _why?_"

_Last week was hell, that's why. Break's over, Ed. Up the stairs._

"Dammit."

We finally make it up the stairs and I have to clutch at him with both arms as my balance suddenly reverses itself and I feel like I'm going to fall. Black invades the white of my vision and swirls around for barely a second before everything is normal again, leaving me leaning my full body weight against Roy for support.

He shakes me in concern, but I don't know what happened either. I have a _theory_.

"Roy I-I think I need water. Last week _was_ hell and-and with the dry air I-I think I'm a little de-dehydrated."

_Not to mention overexertion_.

"You callin' me weak?" I challenge testily.

_Just a little… __**short**_ _on energy._

That bastard-

He _accentuated_ the word _short_ by hitting harder than normal!

I take a step forward with him, whip my leg out, and _drop_ him on his ass easily.

Senses or not, I've proven with Alphonse that I _can_ fight. And Mustang's a much easier target than my little brother!

Free of his grasp, I walk forward to where I assume the main building is. He has yet to join me, so either he's waiting to see if I _can_ make it there alone… or I knocked him unconscious again.

Oh _hell_. For such a hard head, he's so easy to knock out!

"Roy?"

_Here, Ed_.

"Well don't-don't leave me _guessing_." I keep walking, course-correcting subconsciously and stopping just before reaching the door. I can pick up on his amazement, but there's a presence of another that's a bit unsettling.

Wait, there's guards here, aren't there?

"Roy? We're not alone right?"

_No_.

"Guards?"

_Yes._

"Well they _know_ you let's go in." Without waiting for him or them, I barge forward… and walk right into the door.

God_damn_ it I have no _dignity_ like this! Why didn't he _stop_ me? Surely he can react fast enough to stop an invalid!

I'm so used to being able to act on my impatience. Ever since I've been sensory deprived however, I've had to wait on others or suffer risks of accidents.

_Ed. Ed, calm down._

Breathing. My breathing is too fast, I'm starting to panic. It's okay, he caught me, I can do this.

After all, he's the exception. He taught me how to live, almost on my own, in his home. I can run around his house as fast as I want, _do_ what I want, and not worry. Because he's a constant in my life. Roy and his home are there for me, always ready to be my unwavering support.

He takes me by the arm and taps a message to my chest, but I wasn't paying attention and missed it. It wasn't long, so it probably wasn't _too_ important.

"I'm okay. Let's go in."

_Do you remember the way to my office?_

"Didn't-didn't you get a promotion yet?"

_Offered, didn't take_.

"Why _not?_"

_Not conducive to my ambitions_.

"No help with-with Ishvar?"

_It would have led me straight to Creta_.

I'm leading Roy to his office, his hand on my right wrist as I feel along the wall with my left. The feeling is annoyingly crude, but it's enough to stick to the edge of the hall and keep my bearings about me.

Until someone _runs into me!_

All three of us go down, Roy luckily sparing my hand from impact. I wish he had done the same for my head. _Ow_.

"Nurse," I say airily, releasing a moan. Oh, my _head_. As if I wasn't dizzy enough. "Water please…"

_Ed. Ed are you okay? Ed. Ed!_

"Dazed," I reply hesitantly, reaching out for his hand. "Sit not stand, dizzy. Nurse where's my water?"

_Do I need to worry about delirium, Ed?_

"I'm not-not delirious. Who ran into us?"

He taps the name into my chest, but for some reason I don't believe him due to some of my lesser remembered letters and I ask for a repeat.

... -.-. -.. .. . ... -.- .-

"Sczieska? The-the bookworm?"

_Be nice. You're a bookworm too._

"Not anymore!" I reply in my characteristic smartass tone, resisting his urged to pull me to my feet. "Sczieska? You know Dorset right?"

A long pause, then a nod. I wonder if Roy nodded me or he was explaining to her.

The tapping on my chest is really slow and hesitant with some longer pauses in the middle of letters that cause me to confuse them and ask for repeats of seemingly gibberish.

_How are you Ed?_

I smile and tell her that I'm faring well despite my lack of senses. I send Roy off for water and scoot back against the wall before continuing my conversation with her, asking if she knew of my disability already. It's not easy to decode her reply, but she is slowly improving in speed and coherency as she gains confidence.

_Yes. Most people know what happened. Some think you're dead._

"Really?" I frown uneasily, holding my right hand insecurely to my abdomen. "Why dead? And-and how do they know what-what happened?"

_Nobody saw you for over a year after the coup. On that day though, word of your condition spread._

"So-so _everybody_ knows?" I whine self-consciously.

_Only friends know you did it for your brother. Everyone else thinks you became crippled due to fighting the coup_.

"Crippled?" I gasp out, trying to keep my breathing steady. Sure, _I'd_ become accustomed to being physically disabled, but to be referred to by others-_thought_ of by others-as crippled… I always wanted to show strength despite my handicaps in the past, and now-

_Different people think different things. Some think you're just blind, others deaf. Some people think you're in a coma for life_.

"And some think I'm-I'm _mentally_ handicapped don't they?!" I snap bitterly, _feeling_ her shrink back out of nervous shock. I cross my arms and hold them to my chest, fighting off the feelings of _panic_ to try and save what's left of my fractured public image.

There's no Dorset, no touch. I'm sitting quietly on the floor again, fighting my own mind. Roy, dammit, I'm so dependent on you; it doesn't take _that_ long to bring back water!

The familiar tapping on my chest tells me Roy has returned. Unfortunately, I learn from his message that I've been _crying_.

"Are-are people staring?"

_You can't sense them?_

You bastard. You may as well have said _yes_.

"Give me the-the goddamn _water_." I hold my hands out, asking if there's a straw in the cup.

_I put one in the bottle_.

I can't discern a cup from a bottle. Disability made fully public: accomplished!

I down the water rapidly, thrusting the _bottle_ back into his hands before scrambling to my feet. There's only a slight dizziness this time before I pause, steady my turmoil of emotions, and begin walking on autopilot.

My walking is haphazard and my path swerving, jerky and halting. I _feel_ fine, and the first time I try to smooth my trajectory, I walk into someone. _Oh_. My sixth sense is keeping me upright and moving in a crowded hallway.

Well, that's one score for my image.

Maybe I can improve it while I'm here. Just no more _crying_ or breaking apart in front of people.

Oops, I never said goodbye to Sczieska. Or apologized to her. I request to Roy that we visit her later. I'm not sure that he hears me, as I haven't felt him since I got up and walked off, but I feel a faint pressure on my shoulder and know that he squeezed it.

Even for all of the fire in my personality, for all of the disagreeableness I suffer and make _others_ suffer... he knows how to melt my heart.

He _is_ the Flame Alchemist. Fire melts stuff, Ed.

Shut up, you're not ruining my happiness with prideful rationality.

I feel we're close to his office. I don't know how he feels about our relationship and public affection, but you can't deny a blind man guidance, can you? I pause in my walking and reach out for him, pride flooding through me when I feel the painful squeeze in my left hand.

He's here with me. _For _me. To support and love me.

I lead him into his office, a special bounce to my step that I haven't felt in a long time. And for the first time, I don't feel grounded in reality, but I couldn't be happier.


	41. Chapter 41

_To MantaCat_: Ed's got a public image (and pride) to uphold, and he really wants to look good in the eyes of his friends at HQ. No pressure.

_To Taisiya Yuyu_: Roy wanted to dress up Ed in the uniform because he'd never seen Ed in one. Ed has been discharged due to disability, so the uniform would only be for style. Which Ed does not yet agree to, lol

_To guest_: Ed was actually sitting on the floor out of choice, so he could peacefully 'sit and chat' with Sczieska. But I love how you described the comparison of their minds!

* * *

><p>As soon as we get into the office I feel eyes on me. I'm still nervous, despite Roy always alleviating my fears.<p>

I'm not fat, I'm clean and shaven, I'm dressed nicely and my hair is back in a ponytail like I had worn in the past.

Even with this knowledge, I shrink in the presence of friends, wondering what they think of me now compared to the man I was before I went off the deep end.

I slide my right arm nervously behind my back, my body uncharacteristically tense as I stand there and just _wait_ for what chaos may happen next.

* * *

><p>"Sergeant Fuery, have you explained the rules of engagement?" Roy asked his youngest charge after setting them all at ease.<p>

"Ah, yes sir! I've drilled them with all of your instruction."

"Very good. I want to hear those rules, men!"

"Identify yourself with Dorset as you begin talking to him, and every time someone different speaks to him," Havoc began.

"One person speaking to him at a time," Breda continued.

"Don't talk too fast for him," Fuery added nervously.

"No sudden hugs or touches. Is he still bothered by the kidnapping?"

"It's only been three days, Havoc," Roy chided, glancing at the man. "I don't know how long it will bother him or what will set him off. Please avoid touching his right hand as pain can trigger unpleasant memories."

"That's really a bummer," Breda said as he approached the couple. He raised a brow as Ed's thoughtful eyes lifted and then turned to him before his head followed.

"He-hello?"

"How's he doing that?"

"With the loss of his main senses, he seems to be able to tap into his 'sixth sense' and just _know_ things around him. It can be really eerie sometimes," Roy muttered.

"Are you guys _studying_ me?" Ed asked, voicing his displeasure. He reached out rather quickly, his left hand freezing when it connected with Breda's belly. "Oh. Sorry, who-who did I hit?"

"Go ahead, tap your answer into his chest." Roy tapped a short example message to Ed-

_Right in the stomach._

-To which Ed frowned uneasily.

"Well _who?_"

Breda stepped forward and began tapping the Dorset, watching Ed's face as it turned from unease to focus.

_Heymans_.

Only then did Ed break out into a grin. "Heymans? Well no wonder right in the stomach, biggest part of him."

"That's the first thing he says to me after he hasn't seen me in so long?" Breda disgruntledly replied to Ed's humored comment.

_I have been trying to lose weight you know._

"Shit-did I say that out _loud?_" Ed shrank back, clutching Roy's arm nervously. "I'm-I'm sorry Heymans sometimes I-I think out loud..."

_And the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of me is how big I am, huh?_

"Well-I-I um-you-you _are!_"

Breda grinned and clapped Ed on the shoulder.

_Relax. Trying to lose weight for health, not image. I know I'm a big guy. Ladies love it!_

Ed reached forward and shoved Breda back in annoyance despite the grin on his face.

"Smartass."

_Don't talk as much as you used to?_

"Well I-I just learned to hear through Dorset-through Dorset so I haven't had much of a-of a _reason_ to talk."

_I can't see you as the quiet type. You were always so loud._

"Well if people just _listened!_" Ed yelled haughtily, earning laughter from everyone. "And weren't such-such _idiots!_"

_Why do you stutter?_

"Why do I-what?" Ed looked taken aback, his grip on Roy's arm tightening. "Did-did you say _stutter?_"

Though he had been talking to Havoc, Roy clued into Ed's conversation just in time to hear the pained disbelief in Ed's voice.

"Heymans, why would you bring that up?!"

"Someone was bound to! I thought he knew it!"

"_No_ he doesn't-"

"I stutter?" Ed wheezed, gripping Roy's arm tightly enough to cut off the blood supply. "But-but I thought that-that I spoke just _fine_. Roy why-why didn't you _tell_ me?" He yanked on Roy's arm and nearly pulled them both to the floor, but Roy's irritation at the situation disappeared as he saw the frantic _anger_ in those blind golden eyes.

_It's a side effect of being deaf. It's not something to worry about-_

"Like _hell_ it's not!" he yelled in reply, tearing himself away from Roy. "You should have _told _me! I-I could have _worked_ on it! I must sound like-like a com-complete _idiot!_"

_Work on it how? You can't feel your mouth_.

"That's cold, Mustang," Ed growled, shoving Roy's arm away. "You know how-how strong and de-_determined_ I am. We could have done it!"

Not _I _could have done it, _we_ could have done it. Roy didn't miss the sound of pleading and betrayal in Ed's voice.

"We would have figured it out," Ed whined, hugging his arms to his chest insecurely. "Hell is-is there any part of me that _isn't_ broken?"

_Come on Ed, you're not broken. You're the strongest person we know!_

Ed stumbled back from the sudden Dorset, eyes wide. That wasn't a tapping pattern from anyone that he recognized.

_Yo Ed, sorry. Jean here!_

"Havoc?" he asked in surprise, his fiery anger all but extinguished. "You-you mean that?"

_Of course. So you stutter. You're still way smarter than anyone in this room. And you got the Colonel to go domestic!_

Ed blushed madly, socking Havoc square in the face. "That implies _I'm_ domestic too you _asshole!_"

_Wouldn't say domestic_, Havoc replied as he stood and held his head. _Just a violent girlfriend_.

"_What did you call me?!_" Ed yelled just short of screaming, launching himself forward. He was stopped only by Roy's arms, falling back into them from the sudden halting motion. "Hey! Let me _go!_"

_I didn't bring you here to beat up my men_.

"He's _asking_ for it!"

"Havoc, what did you say?" Roy asked in exasperation, keeping his struggling blond restrained.

"I um...called him the girlfriend? He seemed in good spirits, I didn't think he'd mind!"

"Let me _go!_" Ed yelled again, ignored by his captor.

"I assure you, neither of us have assumed _roles_ in our relationship," Roy growled. "Nor have we-_oof!_" Roy dropped down to his knees as a backward swing from Ed landed a booted automail heel right between his legs. They both crashed to the floor, Ed scrambling away in a frenzied terror. He lashed out as Havoc offered a hand, easily leaving a bruise on the Lieutenant's arm.

"_Dammit_," Roy cursed, holding up his hand. "Give him room. He reacts to perceived attacks, but if there are none, he just may snap out of it."

"Snap out of what?" Havoc asked, watching as Ed heaved frantically and tried to back himself into a corner, freezing and swiping backward when stopped by the couch.

"Memories of the kidnapping." Roy approached Ed, keeping just enough room between them to avoid accidental reaction.

Ed's golden eyes darted around as he cautiously waited, confusion replaced by slowly-dawning realization.

"R...Roy?"

Roy replied to Ed's small and scared voice with a tapping on his chest.

_I'll always be here for you_.

Ed hung his head as his left hand curled into a white-knuckled fist, his body trembling as he tried _not_ to cry.

"The...the others? Are they-are they still here?"

_Yes, and they support you too_.

Ed grasped for Roy's hand, tapping shaky Dorset into it.

_Even though I'm so messed up?_

_You're not messed up. Kimblee was messed up. Tucker was messed up. Father was messed up. You're just struggling through a rough patch. There's nothing wrong or broken about you so stop telling yourself and me that_.

_Getting long winded there Mustang_, Ed answered him as he choked out a wheezy laugh.

_Are you alright?_

_So they know about our relationship, huh?_

_Only close friends._

_Dr. Stein?_

_I haven't told her, but I think she knows._

_I like her._

_Don't cheat on me._

_I'm only with you for your status, Mustang._

Roy paused at the interruption of Fuery's snickering. Caught peeping, he admitted to watching the Dorset exchange with his keen eyes and mind.

"I can read fingers."

"That has to be the strangest thing I've heard since Roy telling us he was living with Fullmetal."

"Hey, shut up Havoc!" Roy protested, looking down at Ed as he sniggered.

"Who said what and pissed ya off, Mustang?"

_Ed?_

"Come on you _know_ I can sense things!"

_Can you sense this?_

Roy slowly lifted his gloved hand to Ed's face, watching as the golden eyes widened in horror and Ed dropped to a crouch just before Roy snapped. Everybody watched with intrigue as Ed tuck and rolled to the side, missing the small and relatively harmless explosion where he was moments before.

"Colonel, watch you don't send him over the edge!"

"Relax Sergeant, he wasn't attacked with alchemy." Roy had looked away from Ed for only a moment, but that was all it took for his young and springy body to launch itself at Roy and take them both down in a rolling tackle.

"Whup your ass _with_ or _without_ my senses!" Ed cackled, pinning Roy to the floor. He slipped moments later, losing his balance and flattening Roy further under his surprisingly solid weight.

_Get off me fatass_, Roy tapped to Ed as he groaned. _You're too heavy_.

"I-I thought you said I-I wasn't-_Havoc!_" Ed called out, climbing off Roy. "Come here."

_Yeah Ed?_

_Have I lost or gained weight since you saw me last?_

_Lost, definitely. Have you been sick?_

_Do I look sick? _Ed asked in concern, relaxing when Havoc answered _No_.

_You look just fine, Ed. So you really can't feel anything?_

"No." Ed sighed, breaking the silence. "Nothing subtle, at least."

_How do you eat? You can feel your mouth?_

"I wish. Roy hasn't told you?"

_We're curious but we respect your privacy_.

"He keeps me on a liquid diet," Ed explained with a soft smile. "Fruits and vegetables in a blender-in a blender I think. Although sometimes I get-get hot food. Tea or soup."

_You can only feel temperature?_

"And texture, in my-in my esopha-um, esophagus. I had soda once. It-it was bubbly and-and it felt _caustic_."

_How about alcohol?_

"What use would I have for that in my state?" He snorted in reply, dismissing it nonchalantly. "I haven't-haven't had that since I was six-sixteen!"

_You know the drinking age is 21_.

"To hell with that rule! At least I had a-a _chance_ to get drunk-to get drunk before I lost my senses!"

"When were you _drunk?_" Roy asked incredulously, momentarily forgetting that Ed couldn't hear him.

_So you can't feel pain?_

"That's one thing that-that I'm not spared from," Ed muttered in reply, holding his casted hand up for an example. "I-I can feel pain in my bones-my joints and deep-deep in my muscles. Organs and headaches too."

_But it helps to tell ya what's going on right?_

_And nearly knock me unconscious_, Ed thought to himself as he held his right hand to his stomach. He offered Havoc a smile and a nod. "Yeah."

Breda cut in, nudging Havoc away. He tapped an introduction to Ed's chest, grinning like a fiend.

_Breda here. So Ed, when did you realize you're gay?_

Gold framed red as Ed's face flushed from embarrassment. "Well-I-I don't think that-that's any-any of y-your _business!_"

_Can't share it with a friend?_

"Well I-I," Ed stammered, ducking his head. He thrust his hand out to silently answer him, the red never leaving his face. _You'll think I'm crazy._

_Ed, we had that impression from the day we met you._

_Yeah but back then I had all of my senses!_ Ed frowned, the red dissipating from his complexion. _I...I fell for Roy before I knew he __**was**_ _Roy_.

_That's not that uncommon really. People can fall in love through mail or over the phone, or from different languages and neither can understand a word of the other._

_And some fall in love for looks. I don't have that luxury..._

_But you know what Roy looks like. You're not attracted to him?_

_Well I_... Ed trailed off, picturing Roy clear as day in the white expanse. The black hair, deep onyx eyes; winning cocky smile. ..._I do. But he doesn't... if this makes sense, he doesn't turn me on. Romantically, but not..._

_Sexually_, Breda finished for him. He alleviated the reappearing blush on Ed's face with his next words. _It's okay. Your relationship is still developing, right? Even if you never get to that point, it's perfectly normal. There is no typical relationship, or one like another. Everybody is different, and so is every relationship._

Ed's lips mouthed some of the words as he processed them and ran over the concept in his mind. His hand rested on Breda's chest as he pondered, expression shifting to concern. His fingers started up again, tapping a bit erratically.

_But what about Roy? What if he wants something more physical but I'm never ready for that?_

_That's something you'll have to talk to him about._

_I guess you're right. Thanks, Heymans._

_Of course. Now go to your boyfriend, he looks lonely without you._

Boyfriend. Ed snorted, turning away from Breda with only a moment of teetering balance before his cosmic compass pointed him directly to Roy. With arms open, he shamelessly hugged Roy right around the middle, smiling contentedly.

_Did you miss me that much?_

_Of course_, Ed replied in Dorset. _Roy, you were blind once. You know what deprivation is like_. He frowned as he leaned more of his body weight against Roy. _Tell me what's going on around me. What everyone is doing. Are they looking at me? Are they talking about us? Are they happy to see me back?_

_Who couldn't be happy to see you? Your personality is as sunny as your hair._

_You're so sappy-_

_Breda and Havoc are jealous of our love. They're both single and now they're talking about going out later for women._

_That could be fun. We should go._

_Fuery is drawing some schematics at his desk for something electronic, _Roy said, purposely ignoring Ed's comment. _And Riza just arrived._

_To put your ass to work?_

_As a matter of fact, yes._

_What do I do all day?_

_Keep me company._

_I'm not your lapdog!_

Despite Ed's comment, he growled in annoyance, sounding like a disgruntled mutt.

_I could suggest giving you paper and pencil, but without your eyes or touch-_

_No wait!_ Ed interrupted with his eager tapping. _Give me my own desk and blank paper and a pen._

_Going to write me a story?_

_I just might_, Ed replied with a chuckle. He walked with Roy to an empty desk, sliding elegantly into the chair. Paper was placed in front of him and a pen in the left hand as it was moved to rest on the sheet of paper.

Ed hesitantly placed the pen behind his ear before reaching down to feel in front of him. As his hands ran over the flat surface, he narrowed his eyes in concentration.

"How-how big is the paper?"

_Standard Letter size._

With a nod, Ed closed his eyes, clapped his hands, and slammed them to the desk. A Letter-sized wooden frame extruded itself from the desk under Ed's talented hands, the paper settling perfectly inside it.

While the others marveled at Ed's ability to still perform alchemy, he blissfully plucked the pen from his head, placed it in the top corner of the frame, and got to work happily doodling.


	42. Chapter 42

_To Secret Companion_: It's usually Ed picking up on a feeling or emotion from the other person, like empathy. He's just uncannily accurate with his replies, which wouldn't be artistic license from the author, not at all. ;)  
><em>To Shaat<em>: I try to specify exactly when someone is thinking something, because I know the _italics_ for Dorset can be confused with thought. I hope that helps clear it up! (and don't think I didn't spot your name change!)

* * *

><p>Ed had spent five minutes slowly drawing on the paper with his face set in absolute concentration before he sighed and requested his desk be placed next to Fuery. The young Sergeant obliged and assisted Ed in the minor relocation, as well as the proceeding silence of Dorset exchange between the two.<p>

Another half hour easily went by, Ed's two hands working in tandem as the casted hand played anchor, indicating the start point of his left hand as it traveled carefully and calculatingly back to the right. Ed had never claimed to be an artist, though his past alchemical diagrams were an art in their own right; and he put that dexterity to work as he mapped out a floor plan.

The entire office was privy to his enthusiasm when he suddenly blurted out the paper's completion and held it up.

"I'm _done!_" he called proudly, holding it above his head. Though the lines were slightly uneven and at times the start didn't exactly meet the finish, he was holding an uncannily accurate blueprint to the first floor of Roy's home. The most detail was in the middle of the house, where the couch sat. He had even drawn a smiley face next to two haphazardly written yet still legible words: _GROUND CONTROL_.

_That's so cool Ed!_ Being in the closest proximity to Ed, Fuery was the first to comment on the work.

"Is-is it readable?" He replied hopefully, earning a nod from Roy who was the next to reply.

_Completely accurate. I'm proud of you, Edward._

Ed beamed proudly, handing the paper over to Roy who shared it with his subordinates. "You're-you're not just saying that because I'm-I'm blind, are you?"

_No way Ed,_ Havoc replied. _I could run a special ops mission with these blueprints._

_I love how you labeled the fridge as 'food'_, Breda commented, earning a snicker from the artist.

"Yeah that's a-a good idea. Roy I'm hungry-I'm hungry. Got food?"

"Oh hell, I forgot to bring his lunch with me!" Roy exclaimed with a whine.

"You _forgot_ his food?" Riza scolded in disbelief.

"Seriously?"

"Shut up Havoc!"

"Roy?"

_Wait Ed_.

"We'll have to get him something from the cafeteria," Roy sighed. "Sergeant, can you take him down and find him something he can eat?"

"Of course!" Fuery jumped up, taking Ed by the wrist and giving a gentle tug.

"Oh we're-we're going to go out-go out this time? You-you mean Riza is letting you go during work?" Ed snickered mischievously, his next words muttered and slightly slurred together. "Donno how you can get _any_ work done you're always skipping out..."

_Actually I'm going to take you for lunch!_ Fuery cheerfully tapped, smiling nervously as Ed froze apprehensively.

"He's-he's n-not coming?"

_He has work to do_.

"Well o-okay but you have to slow _down_. Y-you know I lose track if-if you go too fast or say too much."

_Sorry_.

"It's not you. I just wish I-I could hear again." Ed smiled sadly, tugging eagerly on Fuery's grip. "Well let's-let's um, go get food."

_Okay!_

Just as the two left, Roy sat down in his office chair with a hand on his head. All could see the weariness on his young face as he shouldered the burden of himself, Ed, and his country and tried to hold everything together.

* * *

><p>"Okay Kain so-so where are we going?"<p>

_Cafeteria!_

"With all of the other mili-military personnel?"

_Yeah. Don't worry, I'll help you fend them off! _

"What if they-they jeer at me?"

_I'll set them straight_.

"Somehow, that isn't all too-all too comforting."

Kain sighed and slowed Ed down in the hallway, far from the cafeteria. He glanced around, thankful for the relative loneliness of the corridor as he tapped a new message.

_Ed, please don't get upset, but I have a question_.

"Yeah, okay, what?" Ed furrowed his brows in concentration.

_It sounds like you're stuttering more often. Why?_

"I-I am? _Dammit!_" he cursed, hanging his head. "When-when Breda told me I-I stutter I started-started trying to do it _less!_"

_Well what are you doing differently?_

"I'm-I'm paying more attention to my speech-my speech. I'm-I'm trying to enun-enunciate more clearly and-and-"

_Well maybe that's it_, Fuery interrupted. _Most of your stuttering is word repetition, you have little trouble with saying the word right._

"Then-then how do I fix it?"

_Try to relax. Here, say a few sentences and I'll tell you exactly how it sounded._

"I-I guess I don't have anything to-to lose," Ed mumbled, insecurely backing up against the wall and taking Fuery with him. "Okay, relaxing..."

_And go!_

"So-so you guys all-all liked my drawing?"

_Yeah! It was-_

"Thanks, but you're s-supposed to repeat my words."

_Oops. Right._

Ed smiled hopelessly as Fuery translated his spoken words to Dorset, relaying every repeated word or stutter with accentuation in the form of extra pressure per tap and thump.

Through only fifteen minutes, Ed had more confidence in his ability to speak and be understood without focusing so hard. He looked incredibly relieved to know that he was understood so well for being disabled for so long.

"Hey, Kain. Thanks a ton." Ed pulled the shorter man into an appetitive hug.

_No problem Ed! Do you still want me to tell you when you slip?_

"Not for the caf-cafe-" Ed paused to take a deep breath, steadying his breathing. "Not for the cafeteria trip. In Roy's office for sure!"

_Oh right, we were going for your lunch_.

"So he really forgot to-to bring me food, didn't he?"

_Yeah. But at least he brought you. Everybody's glad to see you again!_

"It's good to be back."

* * *

><p>The walk to the cafeteria is taking longer than I remember. Of course, everything in my life has slowed down thanks to the loss of my hearing and sight.<p>

Kain is guiding me with such ease and care, taking wide swings around the corners rather than sharp turns. It's less of a thrill, but much more relaxing and I don't mind.

According to him, my stutter is nearly gone. It only took a short amount of time to find the right amount of relaxation and focus to use to fix the problem.

I have to remind myself later to thank Breda for making me _aware_ of the problem. Though I'd rather not have it at all, at least I can still communicate.

We stop suddenly and I feel this _wave_ of... _chaos_. It's like being in a crowd with hundreds of people all talking at once, except I can _feel_ their voices as emotions.

We must be in the cafeteria.

I try to remember the layout of this room. I had eaten here often enough and gorged on enough food to know that we're heading toward the food counter, and I buck at the destination.

"No," I insist, motioning toward the tables. "I'll sit-I'll sit and wait. I can't carry food and walk at the same time. I'll fall."

He says nothing as he leads me to a table, sitting me down gently and handing me a-well, I don't know _what_, but he squeezed my hand around it just enough to feel the pressure.

I wonder if Roy taught him that trick.

"What am I holding?" I ask curiously. I await an answer, but one never comes. He must've left to get the food.

I run my fingers over the object, but I may as well be trying to stare it down. Even with squeezing I can't figure out what it is. I could put it in my mouth, but the only damn area with feeling is at the back of my throat and that's just a goddamn gag reflex.

A fork or napkin, who knows. Maybe a pen. Now I'm curious-

There's a pain right across the bottom of my ribcage from being shoved forward against the table. I wheeze pathetically to catch my breath and calm the sudden feeling of panic welling inside me.

You've felt pain before Ed, you're fine. You're safe. You're not back _there_.

Another hit to my shoulder.

Are they doing this on _purpose?_

Just like he did.

A third whack to my head and I forget the cafeteria. The constant battering of all of the mixed emotions finally catches me and vaults me into the terrifyingly familiar hell of that night.

I lash out backwards, connecting roughly with something. A retaliation catches me in the chest, but my breathlessness doesn't stop me from fighting back and slamming my arm across the attacker's head.

A yank on my arm catches me off guard, but I just kick out with my leg. He takes it and yanks it from under me, dropping me almost to the floor while my head slams on something on the way down.

"Let me go I'm gonna kick your _ass!_" I holler, receiving only a punch in the face as reply.

Despite my words, I'm getting my ass handed to me. I feel a vicious pain in my right hand and I thrust upward with my knee, mind racing for ideas on how to get _out_ of here.

That's it. The circle appears in my mind, and I have almost a deja vu moment. I ignore the nagging in my head that tells me _no_ because I need to get them _off_ me, I need to get _away_-

The pain jolts through my arm as I slam my hands together-but before I can reach the floor, I'm yanked back and restrained by impossibly strong arms. I try to free myself with a powerful kick but they're pinned just as quickly as my arms and I'm trapped, I can't get _free_, I-

I don't want him to see me break. I _never_ want to show him weakness. But a part of me knows what's coming next, I can't _fight_ while I'm pinned, I can't escape as he yanks my pants off and sticks his-

I writhe in torture, crying out unintelligible strings of curses between yells of anger and fear. I can't get away from him, I know he's making me _wait_ in suspense before he _violates_ me. I break, I plead for him to let me go, to just set me _free_.

There's a frantic rhythm applied to my chest in reply. There's something acutely familiar about it, but in my state of sheer _terror_, it's missing me. I roll my head back and wheeze heavily as the panic grips my heart again and causes me to whimper pathetically.

"Please, please let me go I-I didn't-I don't-I can't _see_ I can't _do_ anything to-to you I-I just-_please_ let me go..."

_Tap-tap-tap, tap-thump, tap-tap-thump-tap, tap. Tap-tap-tap, tap-thump, tap-tap-thump-tap, tap. _

The pattern repeats on my chest over and over, and the lack of any further pain or abuse brings my mind slowly to decode the message.

_Safe_. Safe. Safe.

Over and over, _safe_. It's Dorset, and it's telling me I'm safe.

My breath is still heavy as my struggling stills and I focus on the comforting words, my mind drifting back to reality and the day's events.

Roy. HQ. Team Mustang. Kain. Cafeteria. Oh, _hell_.

I just freaked out right in front of _everybody_. I regressed to one of the worst moments of my life, relived it in front of half the personnel in Central, and even fought some of them.

With this knowledge, I try to steady myself and save face. I level out my breathing and relax, though I'm sure my apologies are coming across more broken than I'd like.

_Ed relax, everything is fine_.

Kain.

I reach out for his hand, tapping a shaky and almost incomprehensible reply to him.

_What did I say? Did I mention the rape?_

_Rape?_

Apparently not. And apparently, Kain didn't _know_ about that. _Fuck!_

_When I was kidnapped_, I shakily reply. _Please let me go, I can't move_.

I'm immediately released and lifted to sit on a chair. At a table. Fuery is right there with me as he taps '_Better?_' to me and I nod.

_Please apologize to everyone for me. I can't. I'm afraid I'll mention the... you know_.

_I understand. I will_.

I hang my head as the Dorset ends. He must be explaining to everyone what had happened. Maybe he's telling them I was kidnapped. Maybe he's just saying it's PTSD. I don't know.

All I know is that I can feel the shaking and the sharp intake of breath as a long-familiar feeling washes over me. I cross my arms to the chest and just give into the silent, wheezy sobs without care to further damage of my already-fractured _public_ _appearance_.


	43. Chapter 43

_To Riltani_: That alternate storyline has no Dorset (Morse) and ends with Ed committing suicide. Less happy and fun than here!  
><em>To Castianamichaels<em>: Eventually he will! But that is not yet to come!

* * *

><p>Just after Kain had apologized for me, he had sat me again at the table. I felt the hunger that had originally brought us to the cafeteria, but my appetite was shot and it only made me feel nauseated.<p>

_I'm not hungry, Kain_, I tap to him.

_You have to eat. I managed to keep it from not getting upturned in the fray_.

_Slow down_.

_Sorry. But you have to eat._

_Yeah Fullmetal, don't let what happened spoil your appetite!_

The sudden intrusion of a third person into our back-and-forth conversation causes me to jump. My head shoots up as I glance around pointlessly.

"Hello?"

_Hi! Sorry. I was listening in_.

"Who are you?"

_My name is Mark. I'm the Floral Alchemist._

"State Alchemist?"

_Yeah. It's not a manly title, but I work with plants in my alchemy_.

"Yeah okay but what-what makes you able to judge?"

I almost feel bad for balking at his encouragement in light of how I'd acted earlier, but he doesn't _know_ what I'd been through.

_Sorry. I_ _saw what went down. That fight shouldn't have happened._

"Was I being attacked?" I ask, my right hand habitually traveling to the safety of my stomach.

_Some guys were bumping into you. When you pushed back, they thought you wanted to brawl_.

"So-so _I _started the fight," I murmur with a frown. "Everything that happened was _my_ fault."

_It was just an accident._

"Well if I hadn't-"

_Sergeant Fuery told us you were hurt recently by a criminal. We understand why you reacted the way you did_.

"Sometimes I slip," I admit, feeling a throb of pain as I move the fingers in my right hand. "I'm blind so I-I sometimes mistake what's going on... for being back _there_."

_Do you mind if I ask how you got out of there? Did someone rescue you?_

"Well I knocked the guy out. Then I crawled out and-and Roy-er, Colonel Mustang found me."

_No way. Blind and deaf and you still kick butt! You know you were my inspiration for learning alchemy_.

He's dangerously inflating my ego as my I swell with pride.

"Really?"

_Yeah. Especially with the way you made things move fluidly with alchemy_.

"Is that what you do with flowers?"

_Plants_, he corrects me. _Flowers are too delicate. I use trees and grasses and bushes._

"Yeah, how?"

I can sense his eagerness as he goes on and tells me all about how his alchemy works and how the plants react to the alchemy, and then how he began learning a few years ago after he saw me using alchemy and being a _badass_ while doing it, and he experimented in the greenhouse his mom had and she nearly threw him out when he accidentally overgrew the entire house in mere minutes.

By the end of his vividly told tale, the scene in my mind has me laughing and I actually _fall off_ my chair but it doesn't stop the laughter. I'm pulled back up to my seat and I calm down, tossing my arm over Kain's shoulder with a blissful sigh.

"That's an awesome story, Mark. The military is lucky to have you."

_Thank you so much, Fullmetal_.

"Call me Ed. I'm not in the-in the military now. I'm retired."

_Too bad. You did a lot of good for the country_.

"Can't do it without my senses now, can I?" I shrug dismissively.

_I bet you could. You're a walking and talking inspiration to so many._

I nod my head slowly in silent pondering, wondering if I could still be of use to people despite my limitations. I _do_ have full use of my mind, despite the debilitating _regression_ of the kidnapping.

_Now will you eat, Ed? I know you used to have a record-breaking appetite!_

"Yeah, sure," I laugh. "Alright Kain, you heard Flowers, bring on the food!"

Kain began the foodie festivity with a cup of cooled tea, quickly following with a heaping helping of mashed potatoes when the tea disappeared in a matter of seconds. He aided Ed in the first two spoonfuls, but the blonde quickly insisted on doing it _himself_ and plowed through it like a boss.

"What else ya got, Kain?"

_I grabbed a ripe banana and cut it up for you. You can chew that, right?_

"Um, well, I can _try_. I can't feel my mouth so it might look silly...or I might start-start choking."

_I'm right here for you, Ed!_

The first few bites of the banana disappeared into Ed's throat after being thoroughly mashed by his teeth, but Kain jumped in panic when he saw a thin trail of blood leak out from Ed's bottom lip.

_Ed stop chewing._

_What? Why?_ Ed tapped out his reply on Kain's shoulder, his jaw freezing instantly.

Luckily there was only a small amount of banana in Ed's mouth, so it was easy to see where he had bitten the side of his tongue to draw blood. Kain sighed and instructed Ed to swallow.

"Okay what happened?" He replied after swallowing, frowning in confusion.

_I'm going to mash your banana. You bit your tongue and were bleeding_.

"Whaaat?" Ed whined, putting his hand to his mouth. "This sucks."

_You did better than I thought_.

"But I can't even eat a banana without incident," he complained, crossing his arms.

_Would you rather have chicken broth and a straw?_

"That's rude, Kain."

_I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be! _Kain flailed, frowning. _I just want to give you ease and preserve your pride. I can disguise it as a drink if you like!_

"Oh, you-you weren't being a smartass? Right, you're not Roy." Ed grinned and placed a hand to his belly. "Yeah I-I still got room, I'll take a broth in a cup."

_Coming right up!_

As Kain ran off to get the warm liquid, Ed snickered at his enthusiasm. He hadn't a chance to grow lonely however, as he felt a tapping on his chest.

_Edward Elric? I heard you're deaf and blind._

"Huh? Who's there?"

There's a pause before the Dorset continues.

G_uess I heard right. You picked a good place to chat, most everyone here knows Dorset!_

"Yeah I guess I did," I mumble, reaching out. "Do I know you?"

My hand suddenly jerks up and down and through my confusion, I realize he's _shaking_ it.

_I helped fight off that Father guy on the day of the coup. You probably don't remember me. Name's Dudley._

"Dudley?" I honestly don't remember him, but there were many Central and Briggs soldiers that I never had a chance to meet or thank. "Sorry, it doesn't sound familiar..."

_I didn't think so. You know, when you used alchemy to bring your bro back, you returned looking half-dead. You barely moved. The only sound out of you was a cry for help. You didn't even make it out of the courtyard before you passed out_.

I was that pathetic? I frown and bow my head nervously.

"I thought I could trade my alchemy for Alphonse. I was wrong." I put my good hand to my head. "All of Al was inside the gate... his soul, his-his body, everything. I was willing to make an even swap. But a-a living being can't survive there long. So I was sent back with Al... but everything that I needed to _live_ was taken. All of my senses." My breath hitches and though I can't feel it, I know I'm crying. "I can't see, I can't hear, I can't _feel_ or taste or smell. But I have wonderful friends who have-have helped me, cared for me, _taught_ me and led me through this hell and given me back my life. And look, I can even chat with people again," I laugh, though it comes out as an emotion-laden sob. "S-sorry about the..the tears. Happy ones, really."

_For all you lost, you're really doing well. A couple of us struggle with PTSD, but seeing you today after what happened to you? Well, we're inspired by your will to push on and forge a new life despite limitations._

"Hell Dudley, why are you a soldier? You should be a _writer!_" I laugh, reaching out to take his hand and return the handshake I was oblivious to earlier. "That means a lot to me, really. Thank you."

_Of course. Oh, Kain is back with your broth in a cup._

"I really called it that, didn't I?" I smile as Kain carefully rests the cup in my left hand, though he tells me it's a short trip to the table if I drop it. "Thanks guys."

* * *

><p>While Ed drank his 'hot tea' several more people had spoken with him, sharing their stories of overcoming obstacles and friends with disabilities. Every new person inspired Ed and gave him more hope, and their enthusiastic energy fed into him to combine with the caffeine from the tea he'd had earlier.<p>

Needless to say, by the time his cup was empty, Ed was ready to be productive.

"Hey Kain let's go back to Roy's office!" The energy was clearly visible in Ed's fidgeting and stupidly big grin.

"He's sure hyped up," one man commented as Ed jumped up from his seat, nearly falling in his stumble.

"I have to wonder if Colonel Mustang doesn't give him caffeinated beverages," Fuery replied. "I'd better escort him before he runs off on his own."

"Take good care of that kid Sergeant," Dudley called.

"Of course!"

However, they had barely left the cafeteria and made their first turn than Ed's memory coupled with his energy overdrive caused him to shoot off, slipping easily from Fuery's supportive but loose grip. Before Fuery could even utter a cry of alarm, Ed had already skidded to a halt and disappeared around another corner.

"Crap! _Ed!_"

He bolted down the hallway with his uniform skirt flying behind him, but his shorter legs were no match for Edward who was already gone.

"Oh no oh no Mustang is gonna _kill_ me..."


	44. Chapter 44

_Because I didn't write it in yet, I thought I'd let you know that neither Kain nor Ed told Roy of the cafeteria incident. Yet._

* * *

><p>I'm so full of energy. And I feel so free!<p>

It's amazing what some inspiring words from friends can do.

I zip around another corner, but I judge my speed wrong and I tumble over myself. _Ow_ my hand.

Still I laugh like an idiot as I get up and start running again.

Without warning I slam into something solid, bounce off and hit the floor with a gasp from the shock.

I don't remember there being a _wall_ there!

I crawl forward and reach out, tapping my hand against it curiously. As I climb to my feet and reach up, the wall _moves_ and I stumble backwards in fear.

"He-hello?"

I feel a sudden _pressure_ squeezing my upper arms against my sides. Before I have a chance to protest, gravity yanks down on me and my feet leave the safety of the floor to dangle in midair. I cry out and freeze, trying to reign in my stupid reaction of _panic_. I almost have control until the pressure encompasses my body, completely restricting my movement from my waist to my neck. The panic keeps hold of me and my breathing grows fast, but I suddenly pick up on a new sensation.

An overwhelming aura of charm and grandeur washes over me, filling me with a combination of calm and _richness_. I relax and am released moments later.

_Ed! Ed are you okay?!_

I almost can't decode Fuery's frantic Dorset.

"Was that you?"

_No, that's Major Armstrong_.

"Major-" So _that's_ what that was! The _sparkles!_

Wait until I tell Al that they're not just visible, they're _tangible_ too.

"Hi-hi Major," I stammer nervously. "It's um-it's been a while huh?"

His Dorset is tapped out at the perfect speed to understand, but so gentle for the large man that I can't believe it.

_Edward! We have all missed you. I'm glad to see you're well!_

"Well, huh? You missed the part where I only know what's going on around me because people explain it to me, din'cha?"

I am _such_ a smartass. And maybe a bit of a dick at times. But at least I said it with a smile?

_Perhaps, but you're getting along very well without your senses. Why, just minutes ago the Colonel was telling me how you can hone in on chi to feel emotions and people around you!_

"Yeah, you have a point," I murmur. "But still-I-I would trade it for what I lost."

_And nobody could blame you._

"What was Roy like? When he lost his sight?"

_Between the time you lost yours to when he regained his, he never strayed from ambition. His lack of sight never hindered his vision. It was so inspiring! He was willing to push forward with or without his sight!_

"And I break down," I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest. "But he only lost one sense. He still had hearing and-and touch to anchor him to reality."

_And you have gravity and proprioception, yes?_

"Not always the biggest help, but yeah."

_He tells me your memory skills are still exceptional and that you haven't lost the ability to fight_.

"Yeah, those-those _are_ both true," I reply with a grin. "I am doing pretty good aren't I?"

_Indeed. Though I am curious where you were off to in such a hurry?_

"Oh. Back to Roy's office."

_Unaided?_

"Oh, well, Kain _was_ taking me but I... I wanted to run." I laugh nervously. "And I remembered the way, so..."

_You are independent. Not to mention you were nearly there! It's my fault for stopping you. Though Kain looks very relieved that I have_.

"I didn't _mean_ to leave him behind, I thought he could keep up! Kain how-how are you unable to keep up with a _blind_ man?"

Kain's answer is tapped not to my chest, but to my back.

_You're taller than me, you have longer legs._

"And Roy calls me short," I smirk arrogantly. "I bet I'm just as tall as _he_ is!"

_Almost_, Fuery replies, but I don't care, because I'm not as short as I had thought.

"Well let's go back to Roy's office!" I insist, crossing my arms. "He's probably lost without me."

We all head back together, Kain leading me by the wrist as the sparkles surround us all.

* * *

><p>Ed had spent the rest of Roy's workday peacefully drawing and 'chatting' back and forth with his desk neighbor, Kain. The art he had produced was of equal quality to the floor plan from earlier and the menagerie consisted of alchemical diagrams, the upstairs layout of Roy's home, and a stunningly accurate sketch of a bluejay.<p>

His final drawing, one that earned laughter from everyone, was a No Smoking sign which he gifted to Havoc with his familiar cocky grin.

Exhaustion and stress finally took him and he comfortably snuggled up at his desk, drifting off in the old familiar peace of Roy's office.

It was as Ed slept that Roy sprung the idea of himself and Ed joining the boys out for a few drinks and picking up the ladies. The agreement was unanimous, all for the idea.

So it went that shortly before the end of the workday, Ed awoke and stood, trying to navigate the room-though he had forgotten where he was and walked right into the wall, shaking him up a bit.

"Bathroom," he murmured, touching the wall with a confused frown, not sensing Roy as the man appeared at his side to take his arm. "Roy?"

_Yes. You have to go?_

"Yeah. What's going on?"

_We're at my office._

"OH! Oh right. Sorry just woke up..."

_I know. We understand_.

"Hurry up and take him Colonel," Havoc encouraged. "He's gonna need all the room in his bladder he can get for the drinks later!"

"For the last _time_, Havoc," Roy sighed. "_One_ beer is all he gets!"

"Roooy I gotta go!" Ed cutely shifted his weight with unease clear on his face. "I-I forget where the bathroom is."

_Didn't use it often when you visited?_

_Used to just piss on your office doors when nobody was watching_, Ed tapped back with a devious grin.

"...That actually explains a lot." Roy sighed and gave Ed a mock shove, earning a squeal from the blonde. "Troublemaker."

"Now let's go before I continue the habit!"

"What habit?"

Roy glanced at Breda with a half-glare. "Some live up to their dog of the military title better than others." He led Ed out before he could be asked to clarify, shaking his head in disbelief.

_You're plenty able to wash and scrub my office doors. I think I have a job for you_.

"You wouldn't _dare!_" Ed retorted indignantly, trotting alongside Roy awkwardly as he held his full bladder.

_Oh, I would_. Reaching the bathroom, Roy let them both into the appropriately-named handicapped stall, pantsed Ed, and sat him on the toilet. _Go_.

"I know you love me but-but to _watch_ me go..." Ed muttered, crossed his arms and rested them on his legs to hide his privates. "I need a _little_ privacy."

_Of course. I'll wait outside_.

Left alone to do his business in peace, Ed smiled affectionately as he was reminded of how caring and thoughtful Roy could be.

Even if he _did_ decide to force Ed to wash his doors later.

* * *

><p>I thought we were going straight home, but apparently, Roy has other ideas.<p>

Work has ended and I'm accompanying he and his men on a walk down the street. I've asked where we're going, more than _once_, but nobody is answering me.

I _hate_ being in the dark.

Even though my world is white!

Quiet, Ed. Focus on your footsteps.

Because for as long as I've been stuck like this, balance still doesn't come easy. Especially when your left leg is metal.

Automail, automail, _automail_. I hate having a metal leg. I wish there was a way to switch it back to flesh and blood, but I know it's not an option.

I'd rather have sight, anyway.

_Damn_ I miss my senses.

I stumble and fall against Roy, but he doesn't expect it and doesn't catch me as I tumble and hit the ground with a curse. He tries to help me up but I stubbornly shove his hands away, pushing myself to my feet with a slight wave of nausea hitting me.

_Ed, what's wrong?_

_Just being moody_, I reply in Dorset, closing my eyes with a soft sigh. _Sorry_.

_Maybe we should go home_.

_I don't want to ruin your time with the guys_.

_Ed_, he begins, _if you'd rather go_-

"Stop holdin' us back old man," I interrupt, giving him a gentle shove. "You're slowin' down our stroll!"

_Smartass_.

I smile despite his playful insult, pushing forward with the support of the guys around me. I can _feel_ their encouragement.

We suddenly stop; myself not by a physical cue but by the sudden flux of excitement from the guys.

"What's-what's going on?"

_We're here_.

"Where?"

_Party central baby!_

"Havoc you're nuts!" I call as I'm tugged forward, stumbling into the building with the others.

Ooh, it's warmer in here.

But entirely too complicated to navigate! I'm led across the room but bump into at least five things on the way, at one point receiving a shove from an outside force. I resist the urge to push back, preferring to not repeat the attack from earlier.

"Come on Roy give me a clue," I complain, keeping my right hand safe at my stomach as my hip bangs into something at my right.

No reply as I'm sat down and leaned forward against...a table. I'm at a table. Okay, and...?

"You guys aren't leaving me alone are you?"

_Not a chance kid! _Breda replies to my question.

I almost ask something else but a sudden corrosive gas enters my throat and clogs my sinuses, irritating both ends of my head. I cough and try to wave away the polluted air, but it thins only slightly.

_Calm down, Ed._ Roy. _It's only cigarette smoke_.

"But what-is it from Jean?"

_A bit. There are other smokers here_.

"Where _are_ we?"

_Can't guess it yet?_

"No! Give me a-another clue!"

_Okay. Heymans will give it to you right...now_.

Just after Roy finishes tapping out the code, I feel my head tilted back before liquid begins pouring down my throat. I begin coughing in reflex, tearing away less from fear and more from a desire to _breathe_.

"What was _that?!_" I cry, not even mentioning how the fluid burned at my throat.

_Your clue._

There's a restraining pressure on my shoulders to pin me in my seat as my head is tilted back again. Knowing what's coming next, I compliantly begin gulping, practically inhaling the mass of caustic liquid and enduring the almost painful burn as it travels to my stomach.

Just as the force-feeding threatens to overwhelm and suffocate me, I'm freed and my head returns to its normal position. I gasp for breath and put a hand to my throat, unable to prevent the coughing fit in reaction to the burning liquid.

"Are you-are you feeding me _acid?!_"

_Really, Ed?_

"Well what else-" I go silent as I realize what this stuff is. I feel my body warming from the inside out and from the stomach up, heating my head as my face undoubtedly flushes in reaction to the blood vessels dilating.

From the _alcohol_.

"You're feeding me _booze?!_"

A hand claps me on the back in congratulations. Oh goodie, I figured it out.

"Why would you give me alcohol? I can't _enjoy_ it like this!"

_You won't know unless you try._

"Roy I'ma kill you," I mutter, shoving back on my chair to get up. There's a tug on my arm but I pull it away indignantly. "I'm not staying here for you to shove more liquor down my throat!"

Before he can catch me, I take all of two steps before I trip over something and go right down on my face. Somehow, my dignity isn't even a thought in my mind as I lie there in a momentary daze.

I do feel all warm and fuzzy. And the hands lifting me up, well, I don't think they're Roy's.

I feel him near me, but whoever has me isn't someone I know. Their hands wrap around my middle and hold me close to them.

I really shouldn't stay here with a stranger, but there's just something trustworthy and warm about this person...

I don't fight as another bottle is put to my mouth and its contents coaxed down my throat, intoxicating me further.

Roy, you're supervising right?

Oh hell, who cares.

Bottoms up!


	45. Chapter 45

Sorry for slower updates guys! Went through a bit of a schoolgirl crush at work and had trouble focusing on the story, haha. Over now!  
>And who did you think had Ed? Now I'm curious as to who you all thought it was!<p>

* * *

><p>"Oh Roy your friend is so sweet," the brunette commented as she waved Ed's left hand around, watching his hazy eyes trying to follow it.<p>

"Thank you Annette," he responded as he sipped at his own beer. "He's doing quite well, isn't he?"

"For not having any senses? Better than I would be." She lifted Ed's hand above his head, watching as he tilted his head back to follow it...and nearly fell off her lap without even a clue.

"Be careful," Roy urged. "I don't know if he can handle one beer, and he's had _three_."

"Three? Poor guy. No wonder he seems drunk."

"Don't judge it by his walking. His balance is crap without the alcohol," he laughed.

"Aww, poor baby." Annette steadied the stupidly-sniggering Edward on her lap. "Roy honey, teach me how to talk to him."

"You have to use Dorset."

"Oh, those dots and dashes?"

"Yeah. Tap his chest four times, pause, then twice."

Annette did as instructed, rewarded with Ed furrowing his brows in concentration.

"Hi back," he finally said, snickering again. "Whassyer name?"

.- -. -. . - - .

"Annell?"

_No, Ed. Annette._

"Thasswat I said! An-n-nell."

Roy shook his head in disbelief as he tapped a new message to Ed.

_You're drunk_.

"YessIam!" Ed proudly said, slurring all his words into one. "Now whoizzis pre'y lady I'm with?"

_An old girlfriend._

Ed slowly processed this information before replying in annoyance. "You comparin' us?"

_None can compare to you._

"Buuuuullshit," Ed called, humor in his voice. "Everybody else gots at least one o' der' sen-senses. I got none!"

"Aww, you poor thing." Annette hugged Ed close, earning an adorable sound of confusion from him.

_You're still more able and adaptive than most_, Roy assured him, though his sentiment was partly lost on Ed who needed a repeat of the Dorset due to his drunken state.

"I love you too Roy," Ed managed to say with barely a slur. He smiled as he leaned back in Annette's embrace. "Nowwherz my next drink?"

_No more Ed._

"Whaaat? Why not?"

_You're drunk_.

"Yeah I-I thought we 'stablished that."

_You want to get sick?_

"Sick _how?_" Ed retorted, hands resting relaxedly on Annette's.

_Drink too much and you vomit_.

"Oh, riiight. I c'n handle an-nother!"

_No_.

"Izzat yer f-final answwrr?"

_Yes_.

"Damn." Ed leaned his head back, his cheek brushing against Annette's. "Sorr' babe, I'm goin' dry."

"I bet he's great fun at parties," she giggled as Roy facepalmed.

"Probably. Everybody enjoyed him at work today."

"He really must be something, to thrive even without his eyes, his ears, or _anything_."

"You should have met him before this happened." Roy smiled and leaned forward, tapping a final message to Ed.

I'm going to talk to Havoc now. Be good for Annette.

"Okaaaay!" Ed flashed an idiotic grin, only adding to the drunken appearance of his red-flushed face.

* * *

><p>I haven't been drunk in years. Of course without my senses it's <em>way<em> different of an experience.

I can barely sit up straight, the hell with _standing!_

Then again I don't think I'd recognize the difference between horizontal and vertical right now anyway.

Annette doesn't know Dorset, that much is clear. She held the pause between H and I a bit too long. Not that I expect Roy's girlfriends to know anything militarized.

"So did Roy ever tell you he liked guys too?"

I don't receive an answer, and I wonder if I'm speaking coherently or if she's paying attention. Maybe she's just ignoring me. I don't know.

"I'm so boooored," I complain, voicing the absolute truth. At least with my straight and sober mind I could entertain myself, but I keep slipping into thoughtlessness.

_Bored?_

"Well _yeah_. Whozzat?"

_Havoc_.

"I thoughtchu were talkin' to Roy."

_Was. He's talking to Breda now._

"Breda huh? Huh. Well enter-entertain me."

_You're so drunk you can't even talk straight_.

"I know what I'm saying. It ain't coming out right?"

_Probably not how you mean it_.

"Damn. Can y'understand it at least?"

_Obviously!_

Right. Duh.

_I can't believe how kick-ass you are, Ed_.

"Oh yeah? Whaddya mean?" Uh-oh, he's inflating my ego again!

_I mean how you took out Kurkowski_.

"Who?" I pause as my foggy mind tries to pick out the name- "_Oh!_ That rapisht guy! Yeah those 'ere the good ol' days!"

_No, how you split his skull after he kidnapped you!_

"So _that's_ who kidnapped me?!"

_Yeah! Using alchemy to slam him into the wall was genius!_

"I was desperate," I admit. "I didn't know if it worked or not."

_I'll say it did! A little overkill, but he got what he deserved_.

"Overkill how?"

_You mean you didn't mean to kill him?_

"Mean to-" The words leave me as my slow mind registers what Havoc has told me. I sober rapidly as my disbelief forms itself into involuntary speech. "I-I committed murder?"

_Roy didn't tell you?_

"_No!_" I swipe his hand away, faintly feeling vertigo and a sudden halting of motion. I think I fell to the floor.

_Ed are you okay?_

Despite my still-drunken state, I recognize Roy's pattern. I swipe my right hand upward, feeling pain as it connects with something.

"You didn't-you _lied_-why didn't you-" I try to climb to my feet, only mildly realizing that he's helping me up. "Outside," I command, gripping his arm in an attempt to stay upright.

He leads me outside into the autumn air, the nighttime chill bypassing my dead cutaneous nerves and hitting me right in the bones and organs. He's leaned me against a wall and stood next to me, keeping my arm around his to ensure my stability and my grasp on reality.

Oh, it's _way_ too late for that.

I pull away from him and cross my arms to my chest, feeling the rasp of the cold air as it travels down my throat, furthering the assault from the earlier alcohol. I manage to not cough, but I feel that my breathing is wheezy in its place.

"Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

_About?_

"Kur-Kurkowski! That I _killed_ him!"

There's an _unsettlingly_ long pause before the Dorset filters in again.

_How did you find out?_

"It doesn't _matter!_ Roy I _killed_ him!"

_It was in self defense_.

"Self de-" I shove away from him, managing to not fall on my ass this time. "Yeah I _get_ that his death was justified! But you should have _told_ me that I killed him! Roy," I gasped, my breathing _already_ shit from the air around me and the booze in me; "I tried to _defend_ myself at lunch today, with Kain, in the _cafeteria_. People bumped into me and-and I went back _there_ to being _attacked_ and I couldn't get free, I couldn't escape, I couldn't-I couldn't-I clapped my hands, Kain _stopped_ me, I could ha-have killed _them_ too, I-I'm-Roy I'm not _safe_-"

No Dorset arrives for translation as he pulls me close with his arms. No, no, not right now- I can't, I'm slipping-

I shove him away, sucking in a ragged breath as I stumble backward against the wall. I hold my arms up guardedly, struggling against my chaotic breathing and disobediently foggy mind. I don't-

This is all wrong; where am I? Why am I panicking so badly?

You killed him, Edward. You killed your kidnapper and now you're going to kill everyone you love, because you're lost in your mind. You poor, pathetic, lost little _invalid!_ You should have lost alchemy. You're a danger with it.

Go away, go _away!_

Hands are moving me again. I struggle against them, keeping myself from defensive clapping by forming my own hands into fists and _throwing_ them instead.

"Not safe," I gasp, trying to escape the-

Is this an attack or is someone trying to help me?

"Don't _touch_ me!" I cry. I suddenly gasp as air leaves me and my head slams into something; I've hit the ground. Was I pushed?!

I-I don't-I don't _know_ anymore-

I _hate_ being stuck inside my _head!_

Take my alchemy, _take_ it! Give me back my senses! I can't _do_ this! Please, _take it!_ I don't _want it!_

I can't breathe. Oh hell, I'm suffocating. What's _happening?!_

He's trying to knock me out, that's what. He's gagged me and now I have to fight between all of this _and_ the vomit-soaked rag.

I can almost smell the bile and it's enough to bring _more_ up and out and-oh god, the _heaving_, I can't stand that he's getting the satisfaction of _watching_ this-

Adding insult to injury, he tries to lift me up only to throw me back down again, but I swing and kick to fight back and try to scramble away, my hazy world spinning before my dead eyes. I try to stay strong for Roy, to get back to _him_ and-

And the Dorset and HQ and the cafeteria and _alchemy_ and I _killed Kurkowski_-

Everything flashes through my mind again and leaves me gasping pathetically on the cold stone sidewalk amidst my own drunken vomit as I realize where I am and that I'd regressed _again_.

What kind of life is this? I've learned to react with reality but I can't stay _rooted_ in it.

"I'm not safe," I cry sadly, curling up only to break down into wheezy sobs.

_I'll take the risk_.

Roy.

I allow his aid as he helps me stand, because I haven't the strength yet in my constitution. He holds me against him for several minutes, despite how I must smell from the booze and vomit on my breath and probably my _clothes_, too.

He loves me so much. And I love him too, but I can't-

I can't _risk_ harming him. Goodness knows how long it'll be before I regress again, and we're _alone_, what if he doesn't _stop_ me in time-

_Ed calm down, you're safe_.

"But you're not," I wheeze, backing away from his support. He follows me caringly, stopping only when I tear away forcefully. "I don't-don't want to _hurt_ you."

_You won't_.

"Did you _miss_ what I told you? I almost killed _others_ earlier!"

I deny any more empty encouragement as I pull away from the beginnings of more Dorset, my heart tearing itself apart inside as I condemn myself with my decision.

"I love you Roy." My voice is small and weak as I hug my arms tightly to my chest. "I can't risk hurting you. I'm sorry."

He must know my plan, because there's a pressure on my bicep to try and keep me here with him.

I'm too fast.

If I can get away from Al, Roy has no chance.

I turn and bolt, launching myself into a frantic run.

I can't stay with Roy.

I can't stay with anyone.

Drunk or sober, I'm a danger to everyone. As soon as I slip into a panic-or _regress_ back to the kidnapping-I'm ready to take the easy way out as the Fullmetal _Alchemist_ and risk life in falsified self-defense.

Kurkowski deserved his fate, yeah, I agree. But I won't have innocent blood on my hands because I'm unstable.

I suddenly stumble and fall to my side, landing painfully on my right hand. I have no way of knowing that I'd barely missed being slammed into by a car after running into the road, saved only by exceptional brakes and my own drunken disorientation.

In moments I'm moving again. Nobody has reached me yet and I'm both grateful and disappointed by Roy's absence.

Is he too old or out of shape to catch me?

Or is he just following me to pick me up when I collapse?

I move faster, determined to put distance between us. My stamina is nowhere near what it used to be, but I don't think Roy's is all that great, either.

I don't know where I'm running. I don't know where or how far my mismatched, nerve-deadened legs will take me.

I just keep moving to escape my ever-shifting, never-stable reality and try to preserve the memory of our happiness together.

Even if I die in the next day.

Even if I never see Roy again.

He'll be safe.

As long as I can keep running-although it's _really_ difficult when you're crying so hard.


	46. Chapter 46

Despite Ed's disability and being _drunk_, he had outrun and outmaneuvered Roy and completely lost him after only three blocks. Unable to track Ed in the next half hour, he returned to the bar for his men for reinforcements and called his ever-faithful Lieutenant in on the hunt.

It didn't help that most of them had a few drinks in, but luckily Hawkeye's tracking skills were still top-notch and unaffected due to lack of alcohol.

"You men," she sighed, sending Havoc alone, Breda with Fuery, and pulling Roy along with her. "Had you yourself been sober, you'd have been able to catch him!"

"You call this _my_ fault?" Roy spluttered in disbelief. "If Havoc hadn't told him-"

"First you allow Edward to drink, then you lose him to the night. We'll play blame later; we have to find him before he _freezes_."

"It's too close to winter," Roy murmured. "I _hate_ the cold."

"Sir, stop complaining and focus on searching."

"Yes ma'am." Roy hung his head in defeat. He clicked on his reliable flashlight and scanned the road with her at his side, checking alleyways and alcoves and doorways for the disabled man. "This would be easier if he could hear us and we could _call_ him."

"Not if he doesn't want to be found." Riza shined her flashlight directly into Roy's face, smiling and returning it to the horizon when he groaned.

"You have a point."

"This wouldn't have happened if he weren't so headstrong. He could have just talked it out with you."

"He honestly believes he's a threat."

"In his state, it's entirely possible. He needs time and counseling."

"Counseling?" Roy's words were laced with bitterness. "You suggest he sees someone who wouldn't be able to properly communicate with him or be able to relate to his condition even an iota?"

"No. I suggest he explains what's going on in his head to those he can trust-you and I and his brother-and we let him know that he can trust us to help him through it."

"Alphonse is not going to be happy to hear about this ordeal," Roy mumbled, hesitating at the edge of the park.

"You haven't told him yet?"

"I was trying to wait until Ed was more recovered from it." He shined the light on the winding sidewalk and turned onto it. "I have a feeling he went in here."

"It's highly unlikely that he _turned_ as he was-"

"Ed's feelings have shown and aided him more than we can understand. Let me follow mine this once."

"Yes, sir." Always loyal to her Colonel, Riza obediently followed Roy into the darkness.

* * *

><p>I'm so tired. I don't know how far I ran before my lack of stamina brought me to an embarrassingly sudden stop and tumble. I tried to get back up and keep moving, but the ache in my leg stump kept me down where I fell.<p>

For all of the imagined assaults on me, I don't think I'd be able to fight back if someone _did_ try to take advantage of me. I have no energy left.

Where am I?

Roy hasn't tried to help me up, and I'm annoyingly cold and shaking from the temperature, so I must have succeeded in separating myself from him. I've been in worse shape before, so the cold and shaking and _exhaustion_ isn't bothering me all that much. Though I wish this drunken haze in my mind would go away, it's still impeding my thoughts.

How long will it take before someone finds me? Unless I've managed to hide myself too well.

How long will it be before I _die?_

If it stays cold enough, I might get lucky and hypothermia will do me in before starvation.

I never got to talk to Al again. And decode his responses as he talked _back_.

As far as I know, Alphonse has no knowledge of the kidnapping, abuse, and _rape_. What will he think when he finds out his big brother ran away to end his life?

I ran away to protect others, not to kill myself.

Well you may as well have Edward, you can't take _care_ of yourself. You can't even find food like this.

I curl in on myself and hold my skeletally-numb hands close to my stomach, trying to at least warm _them_.

I don't want to die. I just want isolation. I just want _peace_ again.

I miss snuggling with Roy. I liked sleeping with him, feeling the pressure of his arm around my stomach as he held me close to him. I could just feel the hint of his breathing as my body moved from his every inhale and exhale. I honestly preferred lying on top of him, because I could feel his breathing more easily. When he moved his head, I could feel it in my neck.

For all of the cold I feel, my head is warm. I hadn't noticed my crying because I've already been shaking terribly from the cold for some time.

Hell, can I go back?

You have to protect them. It's better to stay here-stay _alone_-than put him in danger.

Great. I'm condemned to death because I can't control my own mind.

Something I'd always been proud of, and seen as great for, my mind now rebels against me and pulls me further into my own isolated hell.

I just-I wish I could get a _grasp_ on it! Then it wouldn't cause _me_ and everyone _else_ so much pain.

I'm so _cold_.

I almost don't feel the sudden movement as something pushes at my head, then at my arm. When I finally realize I'm not alone, I curl in on myself and sniffle.

"Please j-just leave m-me a-al-lone."

There's barely a pause before the nudging returns, though surprisingly nobody tries to help me up. After another brief pause, I feel the presence of something situating itself next to me. Despite my repeated, pathetic utterances of my desire to be left alone, it remains and I feel myself rapidly warming.

I don't have the energy to get up and try to get away. I'm too tired physically and mentally to move. The alcohol aids in the comforting lull as I slowly drift off to sleep, allowing the winds of change to alter my fate as they please.

* * *

><p>"Sir, I really don't think he came to the park."<p>

"We're getting closer," Roy urged as he ignored her words. "I just know it."

"Of course." She shined her flashlight to the right, but it was Roy who called out and ran toward the red and grey lump in the grass.

"Wolf!" He yelled and readied his hand to snap, two flashlights haphazardly illuminating the mass of fur as it turned its head and growled at the two newcomers.

"What's a _wolf_ doing in the middle of Central?" Riza's gun was already aimed for a kill shot, but she held her ground as it merely watched them cautiously.

"Someone must have released it from captivity," Roy replied. "Keep its attention on you while I check on Edward."

"Sir." Riza moved off to the side, drawing the aggressive animal's attention. She waved her hand, inching back just enough for it to turn away from Roy and cautiously follow her. She spoke to the animal, coaxing it and distracting it as Roy silently made his way to a dangerously-still Edward.

_Ed? Ed?_

Golden eyes fluttered open and glanced around in confusion, his sudden waking from sleep causing disorientation.

"Wh-where am I?"

The wolf's ears flicked back toward Ed and it turned with a snarl at Roy. It bolted in, knocking him down in a harmless tackle before he could even get a snap off. Luckily for all of them, it only returned protectively to Ed's side with a warning growl to the two officers.

"He-hello?" Ed reached out, his hand smacking the wolf in the face. It huffed and nudged at his hand, licking Ed's face caringly.

"Leave it to Edward to be adopted by wolves," Roy muttered. "It's touching, but we need to get him home and _warm_. Can you disable it so we can take it to animal control?"

"I'd rather not, sir. It may have helpless pups waiting on it."

"You support a wolf population in Central?!"

"I support nature taking its course and families getting a chance!" Riza bolted toward the wolf, earning an equally eager charge from the four-legged beast. She dropped her gun as it launched itself at her, expertly ducking to capture the animal and slam it to the ground, pinning its legs as she cut off its air supply with an arm to its throat. The struggling ended quickly with an unharmed and unconscious wolf and the woman who didn't even break a sweat.

"Impressive," Roy murmured. "Wait until the guys hear about-"

"Roy?" Ed asked weakly, reaching out once more. He closed his eyes as Roy slowly nodded his head. "Sorry..."

_You're safe. We're going to take you home_.

"But...but wh-what if I hurt you?"

_We'll worry about that later._

"But what if I regress again-"

_Ed, do you think you're the only one who regresses?_ Roy continued as Ed's eyes widened and he grew silent. _I've done it, and so has Riza. We all have. It's from trauma. It's from war. It takes time to recover when something like that happens. It takes time and talking to us about it_.

"You're... you're really long winded Mustang," Ed managed a laugh. The cold air burned his throat and he began coughing from the exposure.

_Ed, we need to get you home and warm_.

"I don't want to hurt you-"

_Dammit Ed. Don't you get it? I love you, no matter what happens. I'd risk my life for you, to be with you. Kurkowski did this to you. None of this is your fault. Don't let him cause you any more suffering. Don't give him that satisfaction. You're stronger than him, you're stronger than this_.

Already weakened by exposure, Ed could only bow his head and crawl into Roy's arms. Devoid of the wolf's fur, his skin had again grown icy to the touch despite the red hoodie he wore.

_Nothing to say, Ed?_

"I'm cold. Take m-me home."

_Of course. Can you stand?_

"Are you s-sure you're n-not still blind? I'm too tired."

_Come on, prideful Fullmetal. You're telling me a little cold is gonna keep you down?_

"Dammit Roy m-my leg-"

_It's a mechanical masterpiece. You want me to coddle you in front of Riza?_

"Sh-shit, she's here?" A flush of warmth graced Ed's face as a blush. "Well s-stand m-me up!"

_Of course, o graceful midget._

"If I w-weren't struggling t-to breathe and s-stand-" he hissed as Roy helped him to his feet.

_Breathe, Ed?_

"Too c-cold. Throat hurts. L-lungs hurt."

_I'll send Riza for a car. You're not walking all the way home._

"You s-said you w-wouldn't coddle-" he was cut off by sudden coughing as his throat could take no more and rebelled against him, revealing just how the cold and booze had treated him in the two hours he had been alone.

Roy quickly sent Riza off to return with transportation. He held Ed close, hoping to rapidly warm him and improve his condition.

_Just relax, Ed. It won't be long and we'll be home._

"He-_hell!_" Ed leaned against Roy as he struggled to steady his raspy breathing. "Where-w-where did I r-run to?"

_The park_. Roy obliged Ed's questions, aiding him in very careful and calculated steps, mindful of his stiff and achy body. _A wolf adopted you_.

"A w-wolf? Are you m-mad?"

_No, really. Riza had to knock it out with her bare hands. It didn't want to give you up_.

"You're c-completely nuts. To b-be exp-pected I guess." Ed grinned in spite of himself, footsteps pausing as he attempted and failed to stifle more dry coughing.

_If you can, stop talking. It's only irritating your throat_.

"Cocky smartass-"

_Quiet, Ed. Indulge me for a little while._

_Fine. Smartass._

* * *

><p>I think he's just being a wiseass about my talking. My throat isn't that bad. It's just a little sore. But after alcohol and cold air, isn't that normal?<p>

He gives me another tug to encourage me forward without a care to how achy I really am. Abused from training, fighting, atrophy, overuse and cold, my joints protest at every step.

Did I mention how _tired_ I am? All I want to do right now is sleep.

_Come on Ed, a little farther._

"I'm so tired," I sigh, breaking my vow of silence. He gives me a hug and begins tapping, no doubt to tell me to move my pathetic ass-

_I'm not surprised. You look ill._

"I do?"

_You're pale and trembling, your voice is raspy. You've been in the cold too long._

Do I really look like that? Geez, without my senses I don't even realize it.

I walk farther with him, pleased to feel the stiffness slowly work itself out with each new step. He has hold of my wrist, but I take more and wrap my free arm around his for extra security and comfort.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, paying mind to my irritated throat as I speak. "I-I hope you can-um-forgive...well, truce?"

_So eloquent, Ed. We really must get you drunk more often._

"You love trouble don't you?"

_I chose you as my partner, didn't I?_

"_Hey!_"


End file.
